Helicopter moms in the making
I'm pregnant, and i didn't mean to be, so this explains my rather... dispassionate stance on the whole journey. That said, this child is sort of a miracle, given my medical history, and i've got a big house, good job with great maternity benefits, loving extended family and over enthusiastically happy husband, so abortion is not an option. I assure you that after my child is born it shall want for nothing - not for love, attention, or discipline. But for now, since The Balrog has only given me pain and suffering for these 4 months, i shall continue these observations.
I've met helicopter moms and they are frightening! Have you heard of these type of moms? They are the obsessive kind of mother/pregnant lady, the kind who steal your parking spaces because their babies are late for class. Those who push and shove to get the best deals on cheaper maternity wear. Those who judge you if you are not as obsessive as they are. They are crazy, over protective and scary, and they hate me. From now on, i shall call them 'Pregnant Lady Nazis' (PLN).
Example one:
PLN: do you know where i can get a student midwife?
Z: Nope. what are those?
PLN: They attend your obstetrician appointments with you, they see you at your house, and they can be there for your birth.
Z: But why do you want someone extra there?
PLN: My student midwife will EXECUTE my birth plan if the father is unable to.
Firstly, why can't you trust your husband to execute a birth plan? If you want to be in a certain birthing position, i'm sure he can say so. It's only crazy PLNs who have such complicated plans that a normal person can't remember them; only a student on the way to being a certified healthcare professional would remember, since you are her case study for her course. Secondly, EXECUTE A BIRTH PLAN??!!! Is this some kind of engineering feat?!
PLN: Who is your obstetrician?
Z: He is Dr Batman
PLN: Good. He has an excellent reputation.
Z: Oh great. He was the one who told me not to have a plan actually, just go with the flow and he'll get it out of me.
PLN: WHAT??!! I though he would recommend something better!!
Z: Well it sort of agrees with my philosophy...
PLN: *Purses lips, glares angrily into space and swims away*
Hey lady, i didn't hate you until you started hating me! I didn't diss you for being a project manager in your birth, planning each excruciating second of your blood filled experience. Why are you dissing me?
Example two:
PLN 2: Who is your obstetrician?
Z: Dr Batman
PLN 2: Yes. I know his reputation is great. He works with my doctor, Dr Robin, and they cover for each other when they are on holidays.
Z: I wish i had a female doctor...
PLN 2: But there are loads! - she then rattles off 5 doctors off the top of her head. For a first time mom, she is seriously clued up!! -
Z: But i couldn't get an appointment with any of them! I called 30 doctors and they were all busy. My GP had to call in a favour to get me Dr Batman. These obstetricians. They NEVER work! When i call on friday, they say that office is closed, they are closed on mondays and wednesday too. Dammit, do they only work between 10 - 10:30am on thursdays?!
PLN 2: *stunned silence at my joke* Humph. MY Doctor works fridays. Humph. Anyway, when did you start calling to make appointments?
Z: When i found out, about 8 weeks.
PLN 2: That's too late.
Z: I only found out at 8 weeks!
PLN 2: That's too late.
Z: Well many obstetricians don't take appointments unless you've got a positive pregnancy test from your GP.
PLN 2: Mine DOES.
ARGHHH!!!!
Nazis who make pregnancy appointments before they are pregnant, those who condemn you for not having a birth plan.....
Example 3:
PLN 3: Do you drink coffee?
Z: Not really. i don't like the taste anymore.
PLN 3: Good. don't. Make sure you don't eat this and that and that and this and that..... have you stopped smoking?
Z: Yup
PLN 3: Good. That's best for the baby
Z: *beginning to feel irritated and contrary and wanting to wind her up*
Z: I didn't stop smoking because of the baby, i stopped because the taste made me want to die! GRRRR!!! (ok, i was being childish, but i was angry, and like Ben Ainslie, you don't want to make me angry).
PLN 3: Ah well. at least you've stopped. Hey! Don't eat that chilli! Spicy food is bad for the baby!
Z: I don't believe that.
PLN 3: WELL, if you continue to eat that, you can tell me if you get a premature birth or not.
Z: Fine!!!
Example 4:
PLN 3: Are we allowed to eat that carrot cake with cream cheese frosting?
Z: Sure. *gulps it down*
PLN 3: I don't think *We* are. I'm not going to eat it.
ARGH! It's synthetic Kraft cream cheese frosting! There is no cheese in Kraft products! Just random chemicals!!! And i don't believe that the declining birth rate in France is due to the women continuing to eat cheese during pregnancy!
If you want to be paranoid, go ahead, but don't include me in your plans.
*normal relaxed mom to be signing out*
I've met helicopter moms and they are frightening! Have you heard of these type of moms? They are the obsessive kind of mother/pregnant lady, the kind who steal your parking spaces because their babies are late for class. Those who push and shove to get the best deals on cheaper maternity wear. Those who judge you if you are not as obsessive as they are. They are crazy, over protective and scary, and they hate me. From now on, i shall call them 'Pregnant Lady Nazis' (PLN).
Example one:
PLN: do you know where i can get a student midwife?
Z: Nope. what are those?
PLN: They attend your obstetrician appointments with you, they see you at your house, and they can be there for your birth.
Z: But why do you want someone extra there?
PLN: My student midwife will EXECUTE my birth plan if the father is unable to.
Firstly, why can't you trust your husband to execute a birth plan? If you want to be in a certain birthing position, i'm sure he can say so. It's only crazy PLNs who have such complicated plans that a normal person can't remember them; only a student on the way to being a certified healthcare professional would remember, since you are her case study for her course. Secondly, EXECUTE A BIRTH PLAN??!!! Is this some kind of engineering feat?!
PLN: Who is your obstetrician?
Z: He is Dr Batman
PLN: Good. He has an excellent reputation.
Z: Oh great. He was the one who told me not to have a plan actually, just go with the flow and he'll get it out of me.
PLN: WHAT??!! I though he would recommend something better!!
Z: Well it sort of agrees with my philosophy...
PLN: *Purses lips, glares angrily into space and swims away*
Hey lady, i didn't hate you until you started hating me! I didn't diss you for being a project manager in your birth, planning each excruciating second of your blood filled experience. Why are you dissing me?
Example two:
PLN 2: Who is your obstetrician?
Z: Dr Batman
PLN 2: Yes. I know his reputation is great. He works with my doctor, Dr Robin, and they cover for each other when they are on holidays.
Z: I wish i had a female doctor...
PLN 2: But there are loads! - she then rattles off 5 doctors off the top of her head. For a first time mom, she is seriously clued up!! -
Z: But i couldn't get an appointment with any of them! I called 30 doctors and they were all busy. My GP had to call in a favour to get me Dr Batman. These obstetricians. They NEVER work! When i call on friday, they say that office is closed, they are closed on mondays and wednesday too. Dammit, do they only work between 10 - 10:30am on thursdays?!
PLN 2: *stunned silence at my joke* Humph. MY Doctor works fridays. Humph. Anyway, when did you start calling to make appointments?
Z: When i found out, about 8 weeks.
PLN 2: That's too late.
Z: I only found out at 8 weeks!
PLN 2: That's too late.
Z: Well many obstetricians don't take appointments unless you've got a positive pregnancy test from your GP.
PLN 2: Mine DOES.
ARGHHH!!!!
Nazis who make pregnancy appointments before they are pregnant, those who condemn you for not having a birth plan.....
Example 3:
PLN 3: Do you drink coffee?
Z: Not really. i don't like the taste anymore.
PLN 3: Good. don't. Make sure you don't eat this and that and that and this and that..... have you stopped smoking?
Z: Yup
PLN 3: Good. That's best for the baby
Z: *beginning to feel irritated and contrary and wanting to wind her up*
Z: I didn't stop smoking because of the baby, i stopped because the taste made me want to die! GRRRR!!! (ok, i was being childish, but i was angry, and like Ben Ainslie, you don't want to make me angry).
PLN 3: Ah well. at least you've stopped. Hey! Don't eat that chilli! Spicy food is bad for the baby!
Z: I don't believe that.
PLN 3: WELL, if you continue to eat that, you can tell me if you get a premature birth or not.
Z: Fine!!!
Example 4:
PLN 3: Are we allowed to eat that carrot cake with cream cheese frosting?
Z: Sure. *gulps it down*
PLN 3: I don't think *We* are. I'm not going to eat it.
ARGH! It's synthetic Kraft cream cheese frosting! There is no cheese in Kraft products! Just random chemicals!!! And i don't believe that the declining birth rate in France is due to the women continuing to eat cheese during pregnancy!
If you want to be paranoid, go ahead, but don't include me in your plans.
*normal relaxed mom to be signing out*