A time of reflection
And recollection.
That's what autumn usually is for me. This year more than before.
As most of you already know, I couldn't get into an university. I tried for five, got nowhere. So right now I'm a bit stuck. I'll try again next year... But what to do for the winter?!
Right now I've been working for four weeks, and three more to go, at least. I love the job at the library (I've got the qualification for it, after all). The uncertainty is killing me, though. As I'm only a substitute, I'm not sure if the person I'm substituting for will return after the three weeks, or not. So I can't make any plans. It really gets me.
All I really wanted to was to travel on my own. Just by myself, for a change. Somewhere far away. Ireland is sounding more and more inviting.
Or then I'd like to meet old(er) friends. I miss you all. I'm just not good at contacting people.
My head's still so full about last summer. I just don't want to think about certain things, as they'll get me nowhere. Only in circles. One thing I've noticed as the summer's turned to fall; I've become more patient, a little more adult and somehow a little more distant. I'm also more closed, somehow. I feel like I can't talk about certain things to anyone.
Either they're too young, or too immersed in their own lives, I feel like I don't want to bother them more.
I would like to have new friends, or the old ones back. And I'm craving for change; for something to happen. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. All change is actually good, as it takes you forward.
One more thing I realized clearly this summer; Relationships really aren't my thing. I mean love-relationships; friendships are my life. I realized they make me think too much, and in the end I'll just end up feeling suffocated. So I heartily congratulate people who can hold long term relationships. They're just not my thing.
I'm very well able to make compromises, so it's not that. And I think the closeness would be fun, too, but I think I'd feel too closed in. Forced to think about what the other would think or say about certain things. I don't like explaining myself and why I do what I do.
Perhaps I'm yet to meet the right person. I just know they're not here.
This autumn I want to see the world and I'm stuck home. I wish the winter would go better. I've got little plans for my own room. I'll change it a little and hope it helps for a while. I just got to find the time for myself to do it.
And note: this wasn't meant to be angsty entry, nor to anyone in particular. I just needed to get these thoughts out, and as I can't talk about them (in a comprehensive way), I'll write them down, thinking them through.
That's what autumn usually is for me. This year more than before.
As most of you already know, I couldn't get into an university. I tried for five, got nowhere. So right now I'm a bit stuck. I'll try again next year... But what to do for the winter?!
Right now I've been working for four weeks, and three more to go, at least. I love the job at the library (I've got the qualification for it, after all). The uncertainty is killing me, though. As I'm only a substitute, I'm not sure if the person I'm substituting for will return after the three weeks, or not. So I can't make any plans. It really gets me.
All I really wanted to was to travel on my own. Just by myself, for a change. Somewhere far away. Ireland is sounding more and more inviting.
Or then I'd like to meet old(er) friends. I miss you all. I'm just not good at contacting people.
My head's still so full about last summer. I just don't want to think about certain things, as they'll get me nowhere. Only in circles. One thing I've noticed as the summer's turned to fall; I've become more patient, a little more adult and somehow a little more distant. I'm also more closed, somehow. I feel like I can't talk about certain things to anyone.
Either they're too young, or too immersed in their own lives, I feel like I don't want to bother them more.
I would like to have new friends, or the old ones back. And I'm craving for change; for something to happen. Good or bad, it doesn't matter. All change is actually good, as it takes you forward.
One more thing I realized clearly this summer; Relationships really aren't my thing. I mean love-relationships; friendships are my life. I realized they make me think too much, and in the end I'll just end up feeling suffocated. So I heartily congratulate people who can hold long term relationships. They're just not my thing.
I'm very well able to make compromises, so it's not that. And I think the closeness would be fun, too, but I think I'd feel too closed in. Forced to think about what the other would think or say about certain things. I don't like explaining myself and why I do what I do.
Perhaps I'm yet to meet the right person. I just know they're not here.
This autumn I want to see the world and I'm stuck home. I wish the winter would go better. I've got little plans for my own room. I'll change it a little and hope it helps for a while. I just got to find the time for myself to do it.
And note: this wasn't meant to be angsty entry, nor to anyone in particular. I just needed to get these thoughts out, and as I can't talk about them (in a comprehensive way), I'll write them down, thinking them through.