(no subject)
crazy, everyone has always said that the only thing they can honestly be sure of is you and me. other wise the world doesn't make one drop of sense. it doesn't seem to.
Mom said "that can't be true."
This isn't supposed to happen.
okay i'll agree.
everything that i've been thinking and noticing lately, it tells me it has to happen once if you want to keep going. i want to keep going
but let's make it only this once. let's make this our one time.
i don't understand.
things have been hard before. i've fought some of the toughest battles of that time and i did it. but this is too hard. i don't know the point of...
what good comes from these feelings? where does the good come out of wounds. that they heal? that they scab over into ugly disfigured patches of skin where you're supposed to put your hand over in public? the parts that don't tan with the rest of your skin, because it will always stand out and it will never blend because it doesn't make sense.
you live happy. even though parts aren't happy you're still happy because you know what happy is. and you understand you won't be happy all the time, and that's why it's okay and not so hard to get back to being happy again after you're not. But what about when you don't have that security happiness? how do you get through, how do you even tell where the end is? and it's so weird, it's so strange and it makes no sense when all you've been knowing is that you and the one person you care about most are mutual. you feel the same
right? i thought that's what it meant. but now it just sounds like it meant "i was telling you things you like but i don't feel the same i was just afraid you wouldn't like knowing." some people call it lying but i don't think that's necessary.
i'm just confused. can someone translate this?
look up best friend somewhere. you know you tell someone they're your best friend. like real true best friend. don't you help best friends. i feel like
i have cancer,
instead of helping me through the chemo
my best friend is going to avoid me.
it hurts too bad to watch me suffer.
(but to stay in the analogy...)
i'm the one losing my hair.
my hurt is i need to know you'll still love me even after all my hair is gone and i smell like marjiuana all the time. i need to know you'll still kiss my arms after having IV's in them. or why not?
it was perfect
so very imperfect.
and you'd do so little to so much not to have me. i wish i'd known better.
I should have known though. i got a warning in florida.
on my vacation.
my crappy little vacation.
i spilled the beans to mom,
"that's why i was too nauseaus to eat on monday."
that's why i rarely looked up.
Isn't vomitting what the body does to get rid of the bad? so is the bad still there if nothing came out when my body was trying to help me? or was nothing there in the first place? whatever that's supposed to mean. i don't know, my body's failed again.
maybe that's why i still can't eat.
i didn't know it was bad to need you. i didn't know you needed me not to. because it's kind of crazy, they way i love you
i just want to give you everything.
i went far enough away from my room as i could, i thought perhaps if i could leave anything that makes me think of him i'll be okay, for just this first step.
and the world laughed and EVERYTHING that was you lit up even brighter. every place in anywhere i'll ever go has some stain from us. this pretty pinkish greyish glow. staind on everything. you helpped put it there.
it's impossible not to think of you. i thought of you every day since i left. everyday and each time i smiled right before my eyes started leaking again. i can't help but smile. i love you. i miss that time you said it and i knew you meant for real and forever and no matter what.i miss you.
sometimes it seems like i ask so much,
it's okay to to be in love with me the way you are were. it's okay to just say it. it's crazy. and good.
(you're lucky your pictures were already down.)
i didn't know your world was better without me. or easier or whatever you were trying to explain. it would have been easier to avoid if you had just told me i'm no good for you. you should have please
admitted it.
coz how can you be with someone who's hard to love. who you don't even enjoy loving anyway.
i wishing, harder than my eyes are pounding, that you don't mean "hard"
.
maybe
maybe you mean tough, coz tough we can get through, tough you're supposed to do.
but hard, is suffering, grueling. hard. no one should do hard. Hard isn't worth it.
but i know we can do tough. i thought.
please
make it just this once