Jim Foreman is a superhero (courtesy of Elisa)
This is the second funniest article the battalion has printed. It's only trumped by Tommi Ivey's high speed chases article. This one is actually meant to be funny; hence the title "On a lighter note".
Here's my favorite paragraph
Basically, Pluto is the Texas Tech of the solar system. No one really wants to go there, nothing good comes out of it and it takes 249 years to make one orbit (comparable to the time it takes for a Red Raider to get a degree). Better time would have been spent by sending a nuclear missile rather than a spacecraft. Knocking it clear out of orbit would have been a worthy cause.
The rest is here
On Jan. 19, NASA launched the New Horizons spacecraft on the first ever voyage to Pluto. It can be summed up as one long, boring trip for an expensive piece of machinery and one giant waste of time for mankind.
Let's get one thing straight: Pluto is not a real planet. It's a sad excuse for a planet that was meandering along through the universe like a stray cat and somehow got sucked into the sun's gravitational pull. It is the red-headed stepchild of the solar system and was only allowed to stay to help elementary school kids remember the names of the planets by way of "My Very Excited Mother Just Sat Upon Nine Pizzas," which corresponds to the order of the planets (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Poor-excuse-for-a-planet-Pluto).
While the rest of the planets orbit the sun in circles and on a flat plane, Pluto hurtles through space on a catawampus orbit shaped like an oval and tilted 15 degrees. This causes it to butt in front of Neptune from time to time. Such reckless behavior is sure to eventually lead to a collision, not to mention the confusion it causes those poor kids when their clever phrase is changed to "My Very Excited Mother Just Sat Upon Pizzas Nine." Shakespearean as it may sound, it's just not the same.
Basically, Pluto is the Texas Tech of the solar system. No one really wants to go there, nothing good comes out of it and it takes 249 years to make one orbit (comparable to the time it takes for a Red Raider to get a degree). Better time would have been spent by sending a nuclear missile rather than a spacecraft. Knocking it clear out of orbit would have been a worthy cause.
However, scientists claim that a wealth of knowledge will be attained from data accumulated by New Horizons. Apparently Pluto and its moon may contain ice that could possibly provide clues to the theoretical origin of the solar system. Unless that spherical popsicle turns out to be so chock full of oil it will lower gas prices to 99 cents a gallon, nobody will really care, except for a small minority of scientists who have nothing better to do than wait for the rocket to make the 10 year voyage. Obviously if there's enough plutonium out there to power the New Horizons to Pluto, then there must be enough to blow it up as well, and who is the geek who thought it would be cool to power a Pluto-bound spaceship with plutonium anyway?
Scientists may think Pluto is a real gem, but did they even consider the feelings of the other planets? What about Uranus? That poor planet has been nothing more than a punch-line ever since it was named. And how about Venus? Sure the Mars Rover failed to find any little green men on the Red Planet, but that doesn't mean there aren't any little green women on Venus. One would think scientists would be more interested in finding women than ice, but apparently Pluto is just too cool to be ignored (no pun intended).
While some may argue that Pluto is merely an anomaly and should be respected for its contrast to other planets, that argument is null and void. The duck-billed platypus is a cute and furry anomaly of mammals that is appreciated by animal lovers everywhere, but it's obviously the result of someone peeing in the gene pool; the end does not justify the means. Pluto, on the other hand, lacks the cute fuzziness that incites the protection of PETA and hence there is nothing morally wrong with blasting it into itty-bitty pieces in a Star Wars-esque fashion.
Elisa's pickin on me, but that's not really related
Here's my favorite paragraph
Basically, Pluto is the Texas Tech of the solar system. No one really wants to go there, nothing good comes out of it and it takes 249 years to make one orbit (comparable to the time it takes for a Red Raider to get a degree). Better time would have been spent by sending a nuclear missile rather than a spacecraft. Knocking it clear out of orbit would have been a worthy cause.
The rest is here
On Jan. 19, NASA launched the New Horizons spacecraft on the first ever voyage to Pluto. It can be summed up as one long, boring trip for an expensive piece of machinery and one giant waste of time for mankind.
Let's get one thing straight: Pluto is not a real planet. It's a sad excuse for a planet that was meandering along through the universe like a stray cat and somehow got sucked into the sun's gravitational pull. It is the red-headed stepchild of the solar system and was only allowed to stay to help elementary school kids remember the names of the planets by way of "My Very Excited Mother Just Sat Upon Nine Pizzas," which corresponds to the order of the planets (Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune and Poor-excuse-for-a-planet-Pluto).
While the rest of the planets orbit the sun in circles and on a flat plane, Pluto hurtles through space on a catawampus orbit shaped like an oval and tilted 15 degrees. This causes it to butt in front of Neptune from time to time. Such reckless behavior is sure to eventually lead to a collision, not to mention the confusion it causes those poor kids when their clever phrase is changed to "My Very Excited Mother Just Sat Upon Pizzas Nine." Shakespearean as it may sound, it's just not the same.
Basically, Pluto is the Texas Tech of the solar system. No one really wants to go there, nothing good comes out of it and it takes 249 years to make one orbit (comparable to the time it takes for a Red Raider to get a degree). Better time would have been spent by sending a nuclear missile rather than a spacecraft. Knocking it clear out of orbit would have been a worthy cause.
However, scientists claim that a wealth of knowledge will be attained from data accumulated by New Horizons. Apparently Pluto and its moon may contain ice that could possibly provide clues to the theoretical origin of the solar system. Unless that spherical popsicle turns out to be so chock full of oil it will lower gas prices to 99 cents a gallon, nobody will really care, except for a small minority of scientists who have nothing better to do than wait for the rocket to make the 10 year voyage. Obviously if there's enough plutonium out there to power the New Horizons to Pluto, then there must be enough to blow it up as well, and who is the geek who thought it would be cool to power a Pluto-bound spaceship with plutonium anyway?
Scientists may think Pluto is a real gem, but did they even consider the feelings of the other planets? What about Uranus? That poor planet has been nothing more than a punch-line ever since it was named. And how about Venus? Sure the Mars Rover failed to find any little green men on the Red Planet, but that doesn't mean there aren't any little green women on Venus. One would think scientists would be more interested in finding women than ice, but apparently Pluto is just too cool to be ignored (no pun intended).
While some may argue that Pluto is merely an anomaly and should be respected for its contrast to other planets, that argument is null and void. The duck-billed platypus is a cute and furry anomaly of mammals that is appreciated by animal lovers everywhere, but it's obviously the result of someone peeing in the gene pool; the end does not justify the means. Pluto, on the other hand, lacks the cute fuzziness that incites the protection of PETA and hence there is nothing morally wrong with blasting it into itty-bitty pieces in a Star Wars-esque fashion.
Elisa's pickin on me, but that's not really related