(no subject)
i really miss my brother right now...
and im very scared for the future.
ah its just so hard to let go. its an emotional rollercoaster. and im not an emotional person, but this is making me one. and i hate it. because i cant control it. i keep saying that its over, and officially it is b/c i broke it off a week ago..but hes still been in and out of my life. its not like i just said goodbye. and turned off how i felt, which is what i normally do. and yanno, the second he needs me..im right there. but then hours before that ill sit here and tell myself that i dont want to talk to him again, that im done. then he calls..or shows up. and i still maintain my bearings...but then something happens. one of us will get upset and start crying, next thing u know were hugging. and we keep saying we want to fix things. i came to his rescue again this morning before school, and he kept telling me that it really hit him, and he thinks im a better person than him. maybe i am, because i would have never done the things he did, no matter what the reason. he just has good intentions and makes fucked up choices sometimes. he just kept telling me that im too good for him..and he started crying and i said well is this it then? is this what your saying you want to leave it at? and he said no. damnit theres so many reasons why i SHOULDNT want to be with him, and so many reasons why i feel i should. sometimes im very hardcore and ill sit here and call him an ass, and tell people that the things that have been happening arent bothering me. and i mean it at THAT point in time. and because im not emotional i dont always want to sit here and analyze everything with people.its like i dont want to talk about it, b/c i dont think anyones going to understand how I feel, or see it my way.then theres the points where im extremely upset, unsure, and lost, like right now. but anyway, ill admitt it doesnt feel the same when he was holding me, but it doesnt feel wrong either, but i think a lot of that has to due with the fact that were going through rough times, and that im having a hard time possibly letting go. he just makes all my past relationships feel so meaningless. im so on the fence. i dont know if i should try to make things work, or go on looking for someone new. theres so many factors involved, me leaving being one of the biggest. and i go through the typical worries of if im ever going to feel the way that i did with him, or the way that i kinda still do feel. he came from a messed up home, and for the he doesnt know how to have a relationship. his biggest goal in life is to be accepted by his dad...which no matter what wont happen, due to how his parents are. and i know from personal experiences that your homelife effects how u handle your own relationships.you either turn it into something good, or use it as a way out. i must give him credit, because he was good to me. he never treated me badly until our problems arose. most of the other girls hes gone out with werent exactly goal oriented in life. and he tells me all the time thats what he loves about me, and thats what makes me different. and i helped him to get back on track for his goals, and now it just seems like im working hard, and hes hardly working. what kind of future would that be? he turned his life around, and now hes just at a deadlock. but theres nothing i can do for him anymore, its all dependent upon him. i just wish that if he didnt want me to e with him, that he would say so, and if he does, i wish he would fix these problems. but hes not telling me he wants to break it off with me...but nothings getting fixed. and i keep picturing what it would be like if we do break it off for good. what am i suppose to do for prom next week?? i wanted to go with someone who means something to me..notjust have a date for the sake of having a date...and i wonder how it would be if we just hung out for fun? i think i would be willing to be a friend, because i didnt have to think twice about coming to his rescue this morning..it was just impulse. my heart is just allllll over the place. im so so confused. ive never been so emotionally wrapped up in one person. theres just so many details, but im not putting them in for the sake of his privacy. because i do not want anyone to think that hes a horrible person. i may so so at times, but its out of anger and hurt. i guess i should be happy for the good times that i had with him, and always keep those memories and feelings with me.
this is too much for me.
and im very scared for the future.
ah its just so hard to let go. its an emotional rollercoaster. and im not an emotional person, but this is making me one. and i hate it. because i cant control it. i keep saying that its over, and officially it is b/c i broke it off a week ago..but hes still been in and out of my life. its not like i just said goodbye. and turned off how i felt, which is what i normally do. and yanno, the second he needs me..im right there. but then hours before that ill sit here and tell myself that i dont want to talk to him again, that im done. then he calls..or shows up. and i still maintain my bearings...but then something happens. one of us will get upset and start crying, next thing u know were hugging. and we keep saying we want to fix things. i came to his rescue again this morning before school, and he kept telling me that it really hit him, and he thinks im a better person than him. maybe i am, because i would have never done the things he did, no matter what the reason. he just has good intentions and makes fucked up choices sometimes. he just kept telling me that im too good for him..and he started crying and i said well is this it then? is this what your saying you want to leave it at? and he said no. damnit theres so many reasons why i SHOULDNT want to be with him, and so many reasons why i feel i should. sometimes im very hardcore and ill sit here and call him an ass, and tell people that the things that have been happening arent bothering me. and i mean it at THAT point in time. and because im not emotional i dont always want to sit here and analyze everything with people.its like i dont want to talk about it, b/c i dont think anyones going to understand how I feel, or see it my way.then theres the points where im extremely upset, unsure, and lost, like right now. but anyway, ill admitt it doesnt feel the same when he was holding me, but it doesnt feel wrong either, but i think a lot of that has to due with the fact that were going through rough times, and that im having a hard time possibly letting go. he just makes all my past relationships feel so meaningless. im so on the fence. i dont know if i should try to make things work, or go on looking for someone new. theres so many factors involved, me leaving being one of the biggest. and i go through the typical worries of if im ever going to feel the way that i did with him, or the way that i kinda still do feel. he came from a messed up home, and for the he doesnt know how to have a relationship. his biggest goal in life is to be accepted by his dad...which no matter what wont happen, due to how his parents are. and i know from personal experiences that your homelife effects how u handle your own relationships.you either turn it into something good, or use it as a way out. i must give him credit, because he was good to me. he never treated me badly until our problems arose. most of the other girls hes gone out with werent exactly goal oriented in life. and he tells me all the time thats what he loves about me, and thats what makes me different. and i helped him to get back on track for his goals, and now it just seems like im working hard, and hes hardly working. what kind of future would that be? he turned his life around, and now hes just at a deadlock. but theres nothing i can do for him anymore, its all dependent upon him. i just wish that if he didnt want me to e with him, that he would say so, and if he does, i wish he would fix these problems. but hes not telling me he wants to break it off with me...but nothings getting fixed. and i keep picturing what it would be like if we do break it off for good. what am i suppose to do for prom next week?? i wanted to go with someone who means something to me..notjust have a date for the sake of having a date...and i wonder how it would be if we just hung out for fun? i think i would be willing to be a friend, because i didnt have to think twice about coming to his rescue this morning..it was just impulse. my heart is just allllll over the place. im so so confused. ive never been so emotionally wrapped up in one person. theres just so many details, but im not putting them in for the sake of his privacy. because i do not want anyone to think that hes a horrible person. i may so so at times, but its out of anger and hurt. i guess i should be happy for the good times that i had with him, and always keep those memories and feelings with me.
this is too much for me.