My Pet Hates aka Cinema Etiquette 101
I am opposed to downloading movies. Not just because it’s illegal and stops Tom Cruise from getting millions of dollars that he really doesn’t deserve, but because this new phenomena of being able to download movies the minute they’re released now means cinemas are packed full of the idiots who lack the intelligence to download movies or just have nothing better to do. I admit I still go to the cinemas to see movies because I like seeing movies on the big screen with good surround sound. While we have a projector at home with an OK sound set up, District 9 kicked about 10,000x more arse when I saw it at the movies. I also enjoy getting out of the house now and then and very much love cinema popcorn and frozen soft drinks. But sadly, despite the numerous episodes of Seinfeld that taught so many people the basic etiquette of going to the movies, people become massive douchebag’s when they go to the movies. Here are my tips for a better movie-going experience:
OPEN PACKETS DURING THE TRAILERS
This should be a no-brainer but I am always missing important parts of movies because someone decides to tear open a packet of malteasers during a quiet or tense part of the film. And it’s never a clean tear, it involves a lot of plastic bag wrinkling and commotion and then the inevitable “hand is too big for the opening so instead of shaking the foods into my hand I’m just gonna cram my hand in there, rustle and scrunch the plastic as my fat hand tries to grab as big a handful as possible and generally make more noise than a Boeing 747”.
BE POPCORN AWARE
OK so I know popcorn is not exactly a quiet snack and I also know that it’s crazily addictive and you can’t just eat one piece at a time, you just have to shovel it in like you’re getting paid for it. But you don’t have to scratch around for a handful of popcorn for three minutes, only to come away with six pieces and a heap of unpopped kernels to show for it. Grab the damn handful in one swoop without shifting all the popcorn around the box and getting your grubby fingers all over the goods. Whether your hand is in there for one second or five minutes, you’re going to come away with the same amount so do it quietly and quickly, please!
WHISPER, BUT NOT TOO OFTEN
I am the worst for wanting to talk during movies, but as I am in a big room full of people who paid good money to watch the same film as me, I bite my tongue and make sure to whisper very quietly if I absolutely have to say something. Shame so few pay this common courtesy back though! Whatever possesses people to have conversations about what’s happening in the film (or sometimes whatever the hell else they have to talk about) in normal voices or in half-arsed whispers that are about half a decibel lower than their normal outdoors voice and then have the audacity to get the shits when I turn around and tell them to pipe down… I just do not know. Save the commentary for when you buy the DVD and take the hint when half the cinemas is turning around and glaring at you.
DON’T CLAP
Have you ever gone and seen a movie and had wankers start clapping at the end? WHAT THE HELL? What, did the director walk in while I wasn’t looking? Is this the film premiere that I inadvertently walked into? No? Then stop clapping. I don’t know why I take such offense to this but I seem to hate clapping in general since it’s not warranted 95% of the time. Especially at the movies.
DON’T RUSH FOR THE EXIT
Have you noticed how everyone decides they will leave the moment the credits appear in a vain attempt to beat everyone else at leaving the cinema? Have you also noticed how this never works and you have a traffic jam down the aisles (where assholes won’t let you out of your row) and everyone ends up leaving at the exact same time in a slow shuffle? Yeah, thought so.
PUT YOUR FUCKING PHONE DOWN
If the movie is that boring, fuck off already. Sitting there, texting on your phone so that everyone around you is blinded and/or distracted by the bright light from your screen is rude and obnoxious as hell. I know I am totally a value-for-money kinda gal, so will stay and watch a movie all the way through to make my $16 worthwhile, but if you tear away your eyes from your douchey bloody iPhone for two hours, you need help yo!
These really are the basics and I could go on and on. God only knows why I bother going to the movies considering how annoying the general public are. It’s like some people just become massive fuckwits as soon as they walk into a movie theatre. I mean really, do you need to wrap your chip packet back up every single time to get a chip out, so that you have to unwrap it a minute later to get the next one??? Can you honestly not tell your friend to shut up and stop asking so many stupid, loud questions? It seems to me these things seem pretty straight forward, but I guess it’s like how you instantly become a dumb arse as soon as you’re a customer, people just seem to lose their shit the moment then walk into the cinemas.
And thus concludes my random, angry rant for the week!
