Bear Grylls: KILLER!
Anyone who knows me in real life has very probably heard one of my Bear Grylls rants. They usually happen on a Monday night or Tuesday morning after the show has aired in Australia on Monday evening. Let me get this out, loud and clear, so no one has any misunderstandings: I FUCKING HATE BEAR GRYLLS!
It’s become apparent that most people who know of Bear Grylls think he’s fucking awesome. Well I am here to not only tell you that he is not but to also explain why. I hate the man so passionately that whenever someone says “Hey did you see ‘Man vs Wild’ last night?” I have to use every ounce of my self-control not to slap them in the face. I will however, let them know exactly how I feel about the show and the stupid dickwad who hosts it until I am shaking with rage.
So why do I hate him so much? Aside from the fact he has possibly the worlds most annoying accent and tries to get all Steve-Irwin-excited except with less amusement? Aside from the fact his show his a crock of shit? OK well how about how the motherfucker kills animals for ENTERTAINMENT. You heard me, enter-fucking-tainment! There’s no other way around it, people watch the show with the expectation that he will do something gross like drink muddy water or his own pee, or more importantly, kill an animal for food. What’s wrong with that, you might ask? EVERYTHING! I know animals are killed for food all over the world each and every day, I am not naive and nor am I even a vegetarian so it’s not as if I can get all morally-righteous about how meat is murder. But the simple fact is, he kills animals for his TV show because that’s what his brain-damaged target audience want, and so he delivers.
I get into the same argument about this every time I start ranting about Bear Grylls so let me just say this: This show is not about teaching people how to survive in tough locations. It is entertainment, pure and simple. If you think that after watching a bunch of his shows, you could be left alone in a Siberian wasteland and last more than a day then you’re fucking retarded! You’re going to remember all of the things a trained mercenary taught you in an hour TV show, are you? Get fucking real! You ain’t going to remember shit and you know it, dick bag. If you find your arse stranded in the amazon goddamn jungle, you probably did some fucked up shit and deserve to be eaten by piranhas or a boa constrictor within the first hour. Who the HELL finds themselves in those situations? Explorers? Adventurers? Indiana Jones, maybe? Not you, that’s for damn sure!
And then there’s the stupid belief he is actually surviving. OK guys so how’s the show being filmed? Ain’t by hand held camera! He has at least two camera guys with him, based on the different camera angles you see in the show. And that’s not including the people in the helicopters who do those impressive, sweeping shots of him while he’s supposedly “on his own in the wilderness”. Bollocks! Those camera people ain’t “surviving” with him which means they’re probably carrying food with them. Which means Bear Grylls doesn’t have to drink rancid water that camels have pooped in, nor does he need to eat anything he finds with a heartbeat. He could always point at a non-poisonous frog and say “If you were desperate, this type of frog would be edible” (not that it matters since you wouldn’t remember anyway and would most likely end up eating a poisonous toad by mistake) instead of then having to go kill it for the viewing pleasure of his deranged fan base with their insatiable blood lust.
Which brings me to my next point, which fills me with the kind of uncontrollable rage. Killing animals for entertainment. I’ve now established he’s not teaching people how to survive but rather showing off how fancy his SAS training is. I’ve also proven that he’s not actually surviving at all because he has a fucking camera crew with him and no one on earth is crazy enough to eat/drink the stupid shit he does so they’ve clearly got packed lunches in the backpacks and camera bags. These two facts therefore negate all need to kill any of the animals he so callously slaughters, because he doesn’t need the food and not one person watching the show will ever find themselves in a position where killing and eating a massive tarantula will be the difference between life and death. As far as I am concerned, he just enjoys killing animals and ensuring high ratings by eating them LIVE or in the nastiest way possible. You know what dude? Kill the damn animal first if you must eat it. Biting the head off a live snake is not only unnecessary and clearly dangerous, it’s also CRUEL!
If you still think he’s great, that his show really is about teaching people how to survive in inhospitable locations (and actually think you could do any of the stuff he does), that he genuinely is trying to survive in the wilderness and that the animals he kills are a necessary part of his survival, then fine. Just don’t talk about the douchebag to me, lest you wish to feel my fiery wrath. I can’t help you if you’re really that stupid, so just keep all mentions of “Man vs Wild” or Bear Grylls at least 100 meters away from me at all times.
Originally published at rubyvelour.com
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