(no subject)
I wrote this in my journal yesterday
Please please rain. All I want right now is for everything and everyone around me to be as grey and miserable as I am.
Another ticket today. mother was supposed to give me a copy of my insurence card but did'nt. Now I have to leave work early to go to court and show them that i have proof of insurence, and im still in my probational period with my job..so I might lose it. Still havent gotten my car inspected cause i dont have the money for it. At least I paid the ticket for it though. Been popping that Ativan like candy..gave some to friens..laughed at how it actually made them feel good and how it barely keeps me at bay. The bottle is almost gone. It's just not enough..my stress and anxiety is still too high. I was able to turn on my car with out getting a panic attack though..so it's helping a little.
The depression is going nowhere. I need to call back the doctor and try to get some prozac or lithium or something. God I just cant take it. I'm so tired of being so unhappy. god does anyone know what its like to be absolutly miserable 90 percent of the time!
its so unbearable. Doc sais she thinks im bi polar..well no shit i was diagnosed with it 4 years ago..but i dont want anything to assist me in my "manic" times. I NEED those times. I enjoy them. That euphoria and confidence only comes ever so often..its the only thing with this disease that i can hold onto that is keeping me some what sane.
God just giveme something..I just want this depression kicked the fuck out of me. Everything is terrible..im not in school but i want to be..so so bad..but i cant afford it..im stuck in a career i hate..i have no real friends anymore except for maria and brittany, i get disguisted when I look in the mirror. I just hate everything,and I will cry about it all.
I get so depressed that it makes me angry, and then eventually I become numb and nothing matters. I have no motivation to do anything. Its like a fucking war..why cant my brain just ever stop..everything is just so terrible most of the time..My brain is al lover the place..im upset, and confused and angry and stressed and still fighting to stay sane all at the same time. then im numb..and im still depressed..its just a more apathetic from of it.
I just want to walk in front of a bus and have my limps slewn and seperated from the impact into mulitple pieces, ends, and limbs. I just want to rip apart every pieace of my body until theres nothing left.
This is kind of what it feels like
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That was yesterday. Today I am doing ok. It's more of a numb day but I'm somewhat stable. It's days like these that make me think I can make it on my own. But then I remember days like yesterday and I know I can't. Dave is supposed to be sleeping over tonight and supposidlly theres going to be a "suprise"
yeahwe'll see..hes not one for keeping his promises anymore. But I will try to have faith in him. But at the same time..im not going to be suprised if he calls me and sais hes not coming at all. I still cried to him over the phone though, about how terrible he makes me feel sometimes, but said i stillwas going to make sure I looked pretty for him when he came. idk why..as hard as i try that really isnt a possibility. I'm not ugly..no no no..just not pretty. I told him I need adventure, I want to see things..I want to learn things. I dont want to sit on my ass every single night were together and do nothing. Thats nice once in a while..I cant do that. I need to live. I need to trust. I cant trust him.
I dont know whats really going to happen with him. He's going to have to prove himself to me..and then he will have a chance to have my heart again. Until then, it's no ones but my own. Unless some prince charming comes and sweeps me off my feet. I need to feel infinate.
p.s-I decided to change my hair again
Please please rain. All I want right now is for everything and everyone around me to be as grey and miserable as I am.
Another ticket today. mother was supposed to give me a copy of my insurence card but did'nt. Now I have to leave work early to go to court and show them that i have proof of insurence, and im still in my probational period with my job..so I might lose it. Still havent gotten my car inspected cause i dont have the money for it. At least I paid the ticket for it though. Been popping that Ativan like candy..gave some to friens..laughed at how it actually made them feel good and how it barely keeps me at bay. The bottle is almost gone. It's just not enough..my stress and anxiety is still too high. I was able to turn on my car with out getting a panic attack though..so it's helping a little.
The depression is going nowhere. I need to call back the doctor and try to get some prozac or lithium or something. God I just cant take it. I'm so tired of being so unhappy. god does anyone know what its like to be absolutly miserable 90 percent of the time!
its so unbearable. Doc sais she thinks im bi polar..well no shit i was diagnosed with it 4 years ago..but i dont want anything to assist me in my "manic" times. I NEED those times. I enjoy them. That euphoria and confidence only comes ever so often..its the only thing with this disease that i can hold onto that is keeping me some what sane.
God just giveme something..I just want this depression kicked the fuck out of me. Everything is terrible..im not in school but i want to be..so so bad..but i cant afford it..im stuck in a career i hate..i have no real friends anymore except for maria and brittany, i get disguisted when I look in the mirror. I just hate everything,and I will cry about it all.
I get so depressed that it makes me angry, and then eventually I become numb and nothing matters. I have no motivation to do anything. Its like a fucking war..why cant my brain just ever stop..everything is just so terrible most of the time..My brain is al lover the place..im upset, and confused and angry and stressed and still fighting to stay sane all at the same time. then im numb..and im still depressed..its just a more apathetic from of it.
I just want to walk in front of a bus and have my limps slewn and seperated from the impact into mulitple pieces, ends, and limbs. I just want to rip apart every pieace of my body until theres nothing left.
This is kind of what it feels like
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That was yesterday. Today I am doing ok. It's more of a numb day but I'm somewhat stable. It's days like these that make me think I can make it on my own. But then I remember days like yesterday and I know I can't. Dave is supposed to be sleeping over tonight and supposidlly theres going to be a "suprise"
yeahwe'll see..hes not one for keeping his promises anymore. But I will try to have faith in him. But at the same time..im not going to be suprised if he calls me and sais hes not coming at all. I still cried to him over the phone though, about how terrible he makes me feel sometimes, but said i stillwas going to make sure I looked pretty for him when he came. idk why..as hard as i try that really isnt a possibility. I'm not ugly..no no no..just not pretty. I told him I need adventure, I want to see things..I want to learn things. I dont want to sit on my ass every single night were together and do nothing. Thats nice once in a while..I cant do that. I need to live. I need to trust. I cant trust him.
I dont know whats really going to happen with him. He's going to have to prove himself to me..and then he will have a chance to have my heart again. Until then, it's no ones but my own. Unless some prince charming comes and sweeps me off my feet. I need to feel infinate.
p.s-I decided to change my hair again