on certainty
I said it before-- now time to say it again; I need an "I'm back" tag 'cause man... me and my leave-things-unfinished predictability. But really, that is about all that's predictable about me lately. I've rarely come here to share my down times (these times the 'downest' I've ever had), and I've so far been staying true to that. I loved last spring so much because it woke me up from way, way deep where I had gone. I couldn't stop rambling about my spring fever (which I feel coming on again...), yet even then I was afraid of the issues I would have to face once fall came. Then summer rolled in and I still only braced myself for the fall, instead of enjoying my time... I made it through surprisingly well. I handled myself, but then this winter-- oh this winter brought along an entire new case. Lessons.
The blooming flowers, my peaceful and thoughtful 3 mile daily walks home from school-- spring can't get here any faster. Except--! Listen to me. I'm stopping myself right there. I'm realizing I need to not think like that... I've been constantly wishing for time to hurry past to find my place. Hurrying time because the memories of certain things around certain seasons (and I'm not sure why I bundle it together as a whole season, I guess the changing nature impacts my mood along with whatever it is I'm going through) wouldn't let me have peace, and it wasn't until spring of last year that I found calm after having been in rock bottom for months.
How ridiculous is that, now. Time being such a precious thing, how dare I wish it to pass any faster? Trying to truly deal with and take in what is present is harder, but what else is there? Breathe and take it day to day. It's a scary concept for me. Me, someone who is a creature of routine and planning-- I've never been the type who likes waking up and letting the day flow. Sure, I appreciate the spontaneity-- but I'm an animal of habit. Before these changes I'm now facing things felt secure, and losing that secure feeling was the sole reason for my breaking; it was frightening.
I've noticed one sure thing about myself... when I'm home I'm comfortable and entertained and perfectly content. It's hard to get me out of that home-bodied zone. Once I am outside, however, and I absolutely mean outside in nature and fresh air, even just a park, I don't want back indoors at all. I feel perfectly at ease and find thoughtful and admirable details in every little thing. Even just in my backyard-- flowers, lemon tree, birdies, anything.
I take meaning in everything. I take everything and connect it and take it to heart. As dramatic as that sounds, oh well, I'm dramatic. Spring and summer can only promise me so much-- and that is the flowers I will admire and sun I will soak in-- these things won't be a remedy for the hurt, they'll just be a helping hand. No promises, no security. It's a fair state of mind that I wish would change; but it's also protective of myself.
The least I can do is continue to let the time pass and be conscious of it rather than wishing for it to hurry. Enjoy it. Enjoy this frustrating vagueness of where things are going. Get over the fear of not knowing what the seasons will bring because why should anyone have that much certainty in their life anyway? How can I enjoy the beauty of a floating butterfly and ignore that it isn't for ever? That the little bug will expire to dust? It's morbid to think like that, but it's appreciative. Know that it isn't the only gorgeous floating butterfly and that its fluttering presence is greatly treasured for the while it is here, or at least for the few seconds I stare at it...
What I'm trying to say, I guess, without the rambling, is-- I'm not going with the flow. I'm not swimming against it. One made me impatient and the other gave me regrets. I'm standing right in the current for a bit while I figure my ways. No planning-- how dare I try to plan anything in this uncertain place... how did that work out the last time?
I can only keep my chin up. I'm strong, not invincible. I did as well as I could have the last time it all crashed on me to not lose hope in the fact that life shouldn't be judged and hated upon one tragic experience. The difference is last time I didn't free myself from it; I hardly healed from it, I just worked on accepting it. Miserably. It wasn't good for me. Now it's the time to take that deep breath and brace myself for uncertainty-- something I never had to deal with or prepared myself for, ever.
[composed early February 2012)