im tired fuck finishing this shit
i just typed up this whoooole long big ass fucking entry thing about
all my emotions and problems, and then my comp restarted. think its a
sign from god? well fuck god. fuck vulnerability, and fuck all you
bitches in advance for talking shit about me for retyping this shit. i
walked in to talk to my dad about a friend of mine whos goin through
some tough shit at home and was asking if he could spend the night for
a day or 2 just until things blow over with his parents, and my dad
does that whole biligerant tyrant thing that he always does and
completely ignores everything i say like a friend staying over for a
night or 2 is any different than a friend staying over for a night or 2
because of problems hes having with his family. anywho so then i got
all emotional and started thinking about other shit, like charles, that
kid from jams who died of some disease that i cant recall. he was a
really cool guy, i wasnt even his friend, but he died. all he got was a
plack in the attendance office and an announcement on the P.A.. is that
all there is to a teenage death? i mean its sad and people dont want to
morn over somethign so insignificant as some middleschool kids death,
becuase hes so unimportant and all, but god damn that blew over faster
than any one of the common rumors that circle around these days. got me
thinkin about suicide, people think its the bitch way out..but the
bitch way out of what? out of "this"? maybe dying is better than
living. maybe not having to deal with anything is better than faking
yourself into a constant stream of good and bad emotions that happen
day to day. that whole mindset of "i gotta work my ass off so i can get
more crap that will keep my mind off working my ass off". but what are
you to do when youre not at work or in front of the tv? when youre out
with your friends or at a party. you sit around and have small talk to
get your mind off of work, so you sit around talking random pieces of
shit about who said what and what you wouldnt do and how much better
you are than said person rumor is being spread about. you go to your
other forms of escape to keep you away from your own problems. but in
death, there are no problems, and happiness isnt a side effect of
sorrow. the only thing holding me back is the thought of this just
being a phase, or that stupid ass human nature shit thats like nah man
dont do it maybe youll figure somethin out. this totally is a phase and
im pretty sure everybody else is goin through it and just doesnt wanna
talk about it or bring it up in any way that will effect their social
life, ever. but i guess i just dont really care. i think the reason for
making this entry is to build up some self esteem in the sense that im
one of the few people willing to admit my emotions to the general
public and try to sort through and see what they want to use against
me. i guess im kinda looking forward to building some callouses from
all the emotional beating this is gonna most likely get me.
yaaaahoooooo, maybe after this ill have one less weakness.