Road Trip Part 3
Other stuff I did in Michigan. Let's see...
I got to see Joey and Justin again. Well, Ari too, but I stayed with him so I saw him every day. Joey and I watched DBZ and worked out, just like old times. Well, not quite like old times - he'd always kick my ass as a kid, but he's sort of had a few too many bags of chips and energy drinks since then. I showed him a PT Test that Sean showed me in Columbus - specifically the one that decides whether you can get into the National Guard (or stay in). The test is 40 pushups in 2:00, 50 situps in 2:00, and a 2 mile run in under 18:36. Sean and I did this together and both finished, though Joey got to about 15 pushups, 2 situps, and walking a mile. Still, I was happy to be working out with him again like old times. And I think he enjoyed it too - he kept talking about how sore he was afterwards, which was something he did to sound accomplished back in the day.
My last day in the Detroit area, I spent part of the day with Miss Corwin. She was as sweet as ever, minus a moment where she lamented breaking up with Karl again (they dated before we dated, then once again afterwards). After a nice lunch at a sort-of-fancy-pretending-to-be-a-food-truck place Ari showed me downtown, we went to get ice cream at Clark's, a place of high sentimental value to me because I used to work there with Jesse. Though, to be fair, part of me taking her there was because she really liked the ice cream that summer when we were dating and I figured it might make her feel better.
We talked about exes and breaking up for a good while. I wasn't terribly thrilled about talking about my ex's love life, but I was happy to try and make her feel better nonetheless. She mentioned not being too sure how to get over him or how to move on, and at some point I hugged her and told her that, luckily, those were two different things. I told her that, to me at least, getting over someone meant being through loving them and feeling all the emotions from that time period, while moving on meant being able to love again or fuction in society without breaking down when things remind you of past loves. I told her that society really only expects us to move on, and as long as we do that in a seemingly appropriate time we can take all the time we need to get over someone. I was about to say something about how I have learned to move on quickly over the years, but some people take longer to get over than others - but I stopped myself at the risk of bringing up weird memories. Also, I didn't want to imply anything that would shift the focus of the conversation to myself, so I kept my mouth shut.
After that, Miss Corwin and I went to a garage sale and looked around at old trinkets, and then just drove around the city singing old songs. We sang "You Don't Know Me," a duet we sang a lot back when we were together (which, looking back, was a terrible choice for an "our song" but was nonetheless one we both got to sing). She said there were certain songs she and Karl used to like that she has trouble listening to, and I leveled with her there. I said that some songs from my past were too hard to listen to after breakups, but others were ones I really liked, and I tried really hard to move past the negative emotions. I told her that, in those cases, I'd sing the songs with new people and make new memories, and make the song less of a "this is a song from person x," but rather "This is my song, which I've shared with x, y, and z. It tells more that one story, all of which were at some point good." I gave her a mix CD I made her, which has sort of become a tradition when we hang out, and specified that some songs were older ones and some were newer ones, and some were new songs by bands we listened to a lot.
I think the most amusing part of that whole exchange was realizing that she's now at the age I was when we dated, which means she's probably thinking plenty of the same "Okay, I just graduated college, now what" sort of things. The mix CD, accordingly, started with A Great Big World's "This Is The New Year" (though the Glee version because we both like Glee and I personally favor Glee's harmonizing voices and extra doo da da's). I almost put on Avenue Q's "What Do You Do With A BA In English," but last minute changed it to Avenue Q's "Schadenfreude" for a pickmeup song at the end, with a few nostalgic longing for the past songs like Garnet Rogers' "The Outside Track" for cathartic release of post-grad feelings. The mix ends with BNL's new single "Odds Are," which has been stuck in my head since the concert I saw on my last night in Boston with Jonah, Nathan, and Kristin.
We listened to most of the mix, though some were saved for later. When she left, she hugged me goodbye and thanked me, saying she really needed this. I don't know why, but I replied with a "Me too." As I went about the rest of my day, I just sort of paused, and thought to myself, "...oh, fuck." I realized at that point that I was basically talking about myself earlier, despite my best efforts, and that I had moved on from Miss Corwin but never really gotten over her. I realized that I still loved her, despite multiple instances of me telling myself I was done loving her (most notably a time right before she and Karl became official, where they had a fight and she was upset and I stupidly booked a plane ticket right on the spot to go see her in Michigan to support her - that was the Greek Town day, though I doubt I wrote about that here because I took a long journal hiatus). I realized that, even though she was never really in love with me to begin with, and even though I would never cheat on Gabby or just ditch this Seattle thing for Miss Corwin, and even though I couldn't do anything that would give me any satisfaction or validation, this girl was still probably the highlight of my detour to Michigan. But I might be okay with letting her be a best friend that I just happen to love. I hate that it's been years and I still haven't gotten over her, but I do like that I'll always have one friend that instantly makes me happier whenever I see her.
After I left her, I decided I should probably see my family before I left town, against my wishes otherwise. I stopped by dad first, who mostly just drank beer and told me he was lonely and then asked me to go find my sister to talk her into talking to him again - apparently they had some sort of fight. I drove around the city and then eventually found my sister, stoned and bottomless I might add, and asked her when she last talked to dad in a casual tone mid-conversation. She said there was some big fight a while back, and Dad told her to never talk to her again - then followed with "I don't care how big of a bitch I'm being, you don't do that to family" (an argument I've found I no longer really support in my jaded view of this family). I went back to Dad and asked him if he really said that, and he said that he did, but thought she would apologize afterwards (also a pretty shitty defense). He told me he was lonely and needed someone around to help him with things because he's handicapped, and I went back and told Meegan that. I told her that family's a two way street, and that if she was entitled to be a bitch to Dad and that he should still love her because of some intrinsic family moral principle, then she should be prepared to do the same.
I then, in a Hail Mary play, told her dad's a lonely old man who's handicapped and, at the rate he's going, is just going to die in his house alone just like his father (which is true - he inherited the same house even when Grandpa passed away and has lived there since I was thirteen). I also told her that he needs some company to keep him from drowning himself in alcohol and pornography, and that she should feel loved because even in his hatred he still favors her to me, evidenced by how her room is clean and pristine but otherwise untouched, whereas mine has been emptied out and converted into a storage unit for his now growing collection of pornography (which is also true - my bookshelf is now all Playboys and my dresser is now all videos). She made some comment about not wanting to think of Dad in the buff, and then I coughed, pointing to the fact that she couldn't even take the time to answer the door with pants on.
I spent some time with Rick, though admittedly he was probably the last person I wanted to see this trip given that his affair against my mother is also something I've in-theory-moved-on-from-but-still-haven't-gotten-over. He talked about Mom a bit, and how he was trying to fix up the house to sell it so he could move back in with her in West Virginia - which more or less opposed Mom saying something to the effect of her wanting him to move there and that he said he was gonna sell the house two years ago but still hasn't cleaned it up yet. His argument was also flimsy because of all the holes in the walls and stairs that are new - which he blamed on fighting with Meegan. In the interest of being fair, I contributed one of those holes accidentally as I ran up the stairs to my childhood bedroom, falling through the stairs in the process. But in that particular case, the whole house is so run down that this wasn't really any direct incident's fault anymore.
With one family house falling down slowly and the other now a hall of porn that I have no interest in revisiting, I think I've found a great mindset for moving forward and not getting stuck in the same place and habits. Maybe Seattle won't be so bad after all.
-Didroy
I got to see Joey and Justin again. Well, Ari too, but I stayed with him so I saw him every day. Joey and I watched DBZ and worked out, just like old times. Well, not quite like old times - he'd always kick my ass as a kid, but he's sort of had a few too many bags of chips and energy drinks since then. I showed him a PT Test that Sean showed me in Columbus - specifically the one that decides whether you can get into the National Guard (or stay in). The test is 40 pushups in 2:00, 50 situps in 2:00, and a 2 mile run in under 18:36. Sean and I did this together and both finished, though Joey got to about 15 pushups, 2 situps, and walking a mile. Still, I was happy to be working out with him again like old times. And I think he enjoyed it too - he kept talking about how sore he was afterwards, which was something he did to sound accomplished back in the day.
My last day in the Detroit area, I spent part of the day with Miss Corwin. She was as sweet as ever, minus a moment where she lamented breaking up with Karl again (they dated before we dated, then once again afterwards). After a nice lunch at a sort-of-fancy-pretending-to-be-a-food-truck place Ari showed me downtown, we went to get ice cream at Clark's, a place of high sentimental value to me because I used to work there with Jesse. Though, to be fair, part of me taking her there was because she really liked the ice cream that summer when we were dating and I figured it might make her feel better.
We talked about exes and breaking up for a good while. I wasn't terribly thrilled about talking about my ex's love life, but I was happy to try and make her feel better nonetheless. She mentioned not being too sure how to get over him or how to move on, and at some point I hugged her and told her that, luckily, those were two different things. I told her that, to me at least, getting over someone meant being through loving them and feeling all the emotions from that time period, while moving on meant being able to love again or fuction in society without breaking down when things remind you of past loves. I told her that society really only expects us to move on, and as long as we do that in a seemingly appropriate time we can take all the time we need to get over someone. I was about to say something about how I have learned to move on quickly over the years, but some people take longer to get over than others - but I stopped myself at the risk of bringing up weird memories. Also, I didn't want to imply anything that would shift the focus of the conversation to myself, so I kept my mouth shut.
After that, Miss Corwin and I went to a garage sale and looked around at old trinkets, and then just drove around the city singing old songs. We sang "You Don't Know Me," a duet we sang a lot back when we were together (which, looking back, was a terrible choice for an "our song" but was nonetheless one we both got to sing). She said there were certain songs she and Karl used to like that she has trouble listening to, and I leveled with her there. I said that some songs from my past were too hard to listen to after breakups, but others were ones I really liked, and I tried really hard to move past the negative emotions. I told her that, in those cases, I'd sing the songs with new people and make new memories, and make the song less of a "this is a song from person x," but rather "This is my song, which I've shared with x, y, and z. It tells more that one story, all of which were at some point good." I gave her a mix CD I made her, which has sort of become a tradition when we hang out, and specified that some songs were older ones and some were newer ones, and some were new songs by bands we listened to a lot.
I think the most amusing part of that whole exchange was realizing that she's now at the age I was when we dated, which means she's probably thinking plenty of the same "Okay, I just graduated college, now what" sort of things. The mix CD, accordingly, started with A Great Big World's "This Is The New Year" (though the Glee version because we both like Glee and I personally favor Glee's harmonizing voices and extra doo da da's). I almost put on Avenue Q's "What Do You Do With A BA In English," but last minute changed it to Avenue Q's "Schadenfreude" for a pickmeup song at the end, with a few nostalgic longing for the past songs like Garnet Rogers' "The Outside Track" for cathartic release of post-grad feelings. The mix ends with BNL's new single "Odds Are," which has been stuck in my head since the concert I saw on my last night in Boston with Jonah, Nathan, and Kristin.
We listened to most of the mix, though some were saved for later. When she left, she hugged me goodbye and thanked me, saying she really needed this. I don't know why, but I replied with a "Me too." As I went about the rest of my day, I just sort of paused, and thought to myself, "...oh, fuck." I realized at that point that I was basically talking about myself earlier, despite my best efforts, and that I had moved on from Miss Corwin but never really gotten over her. I realized that I still loved her, despite multiple instances of me telling myself I was done loving her (most notably a time right before she and Karl became official, where they had a fight and she was upset and I stupidly booked a plane ticket right on the spot to go see her in Michigan to support her - that was the Greek Town day, though I doubt I wrote about that here because I took a long journal hiatus). I realized that, even though she was never really in love with me to begin with, and even though I would never cheat on Gabby or just ditch this Seattle thing for Miss Corwin, and even though I couldn't do anything that would give me any satisfaction or validation, this girl was still probably the highlight of my detour to Michigan. But I might be okay with letting her be a best friend that I just happen to love. I hate that it's been years and I still haven't gotten over her, but I do like that I'll always have one friend that instantly makes me happier whenever I see her.
After I left her, I decided I should probably see my family before I left town, against my wishes otherwise. I stopped by dad first, who mostly just drank beer and told me he was lonely and then asked me to go find my sister to talk her into talking to him again - apparently they had some sort of fight. I drove around the city and then eventually found my sister, stoned and bottomless I might add, and asked her when she last talked to dad in a casual tone mid-conversation. She said there was some big fight a while back, and Dad told her to never talk to her again - then followed with "I don't care how big of a bitch I'm being, you don't do that to family" (an argument I've found I no longer really support in my jaded view of this family). I went back to Dad and asked him if he really said that, and he said that he did, but thought she would apologize afterwards (also a pretty shitty defense). He told me he was lonely and needed someone around to help him with things because he's handicapped, and I went back and told Meegan that. I told her that family's a two way street, and that if she was entitled to be a bitch to Dad and that he should still love her because of some intrinsic family moral principle, then she should be prepared to do the same.
I then, in a Hail Mary play, told her dad's a lonely old man who's handicapped and, at the rate he's going, is just going to die in his house alone just like his father (which is true - he inherited the same house even when Grandpa passed away and has lived there since I was thirteen). I also told her that he needs some company to keep him from drowning himself in alcohol and pornography, and that she should feel loved because even in his hatred he still favors her to me, evidenced by how her room is clean and pristine but otherwise untouched, whereas mine has been emptied out and converted into a storage unit for his now growing collection of pornography (which is also true - my bookshelf is now all Playboys and my dresser is now all videos). She made some comment about not wanting to think of Dad in the buff, and then I coughed, pointing to the fact that she couldn't even take the time to answer the door with pants on.
I spent some time with Rick, though admittedly he was probably the last person I wanted to see this trip given that his affair against my mother is also something I've in-theory-moved-on-from-but-still-haven't-gotten-over. He talked about Mom a bit, and how he was trying to fix up the house to sell it so he could move back in with her in West Virginia - which more or less opposed Mom saying something to the effect of her wanting him to move there and that he said he was gonna sell the house two years ago but still hasn't cleaned it up yet. His argument was also flimsy because of all the holes in the walls and stairs that are new - which he blamed on fighting with Meegan. In the interest of being fair, I contributed one of those holes accidentally as I ran up the stairs to my childhood bedroom, falling through the stairs in the process. But in that particular case, the whole house is so run down that this wasn't really any direct incident's fault anymore.
With one family house falling down slowly and the other now a hall of porn that I have no interest in revisiting, I think I've found a great mindset for moving forward and not getting stuck in the same place and habits. Maybe Seattle won't be so bad after all.
-Didroy