(no subject)
It has occurred to me recently that I check this almost every day, but I never post anything anymore. It has been more than a year since I have utilized lj for what it's really for, a place to rant and write useless things for people to either read or ignore. I remember a time, back before I had livejournal, when there was deadjournal and I wrote every day, no matter what I had to say. I forgot how cathartic it can be to have something to put your feelings into, even if no one responds to what you're saying. It's sad that I haven't written any of the good things that have been happening in my life, that I'm resorting to an online journal to pour my bad horrible thoughts into while I listen to emo crap on my computer. I never thought I'd be feeling this way again in my life, and never thought I'd be in this position, sitting at my computer, listening to sad music and crying while I type. I never thought I'd be depressed or sad again. I don't know how I thought that, but I did. My naivety has once again gotten the best of me. It's a horrible feeling to feel like you can't talk to people about things, like you have no one to tell the truth to. I hate these sinking feelings I get everyday. This feeling like the best thing in my life is slowly slipping through my fingers like sand, and I can't do anything to stop it, because every move I make causes the sand to slip faster from my grasp. I wish I could go back in time. I wish I could be the person I used to be. I wish I remembered what that felt like. If I could, I would go back and not change. I wouldn't let things get as bad as they are. And now I'm here in this position, not knowing what to do. Not knowing who to turn to. It feels horrible to put off or avoid questions from people about how my wedding planning is going. How do you explain to someone that you've put it off, because you don't know if it's going to happen? How do you tell yourself that? How do you tell yourself that it's okay when it's not? I don't want anyone to tell me it's going to be okay. I just want someone to listen. I just want someone to let me cry. I just want to stop crying. I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay. I just want everything to be okay.