More thoughts on Merlin
That's it, I can't handle it anymore. I'm sitting here watching episode 5 of Merlin, and Lancelot is making this incredibly noble speech about becoming a knight to defend the weak, and the sentimental music is swelling in the background, and yet all I can think about is the fact that Lancelot has serious Patrick Dempsey hair, and not in a good way. It's this wavy helmet that does NOT MOVE. And therefore I have resigned myself to liveblogging this episode, as much as one can liveblog something that's on Hulu.
To catch up on the seven minutes of episode preceding this moment:
Merlin's collecting mushrooms in the forest. Then HOLY GIANT GRYPHON, BATMAN, which wants to eat our hero, but instead of Merlin using magic he just attempts to run-crawl backwards like a dumbass. But then Lancelot runs in to beat him off, waving his sword around and allegedly hitting the gryphon, except instead it looks like he's waving his sword around with a badly-CGIed gryphon somewhere about three feet behind him. (Dear BBC, WHAT THE HELL. I know you can do better than this.) But in the process Lancelot allegedly gets wounded, which manifests itself as a minor stain on Lancelot's shirt.
Merlin brings him to Gaius, the physician: "A little Tide will clear that up, I'm sure." Then they discover it has always been Lancelot's ambition to be a knight, so Merlin promises to talk to Arthur for him.
We next see a scene of the Camelot Knight Trials, where Arthur gives a big speech about how the candidates have to face a killing machine: him. Arthur, honey, you're very pretty to look at, but I'm not really buying that you're that intimidating. The knight in question twirls his sword around some, and then two rather unimpressive punches later, Arthur has him down on the ground. (Dear BBC: Add a better fight choreographer to the budget, as well.) Arthur complains about the shit quality of his knights, Merlin brings up the shiny specimen who just saved his life, Arthur reminds him that Merlin almost dying is hardly an unusual occurrence, and I can't help but agree with him. Regardless, he agrees to test this Lancelot, with one minor caveat: all knights must be nobles.
And of course Lancelot isn't, which brings us to the Moving Speech Which I Cannot Pay Attention To. Something about his parents and his village being massacred by raiders, and then it gets all Inigo Montoya up in here, I don't know. What I do know is, the product he is using cannot be period. But then Merlin promises to make him a knight anyway, and we all know this will end well. Although I must say, it's refreshing to have an episode that dwells on a good guy for once, instead of the formula of opening scene establishing shot of Villainous Plot, followed by 40 minutes of Merlin attempting to foil it without magic, followed by five minutes where he just gives up and fixes it with magic anyway.
So now we're caught up. The rest of the episode:
Merlin fakes Lancelot a seal of nobility, although how Arthur and his father won't think it's weird that they haven't heard of a noble from their own damn kingdom, I don't know. It worked in A Knight's Tale, but that was supposed to be an international tournament, and Europe at that time was made up of hundreds of tiny Duchies and the like. This is just one small corner of England/Wales, here. But Merlin convinces Lancelot to go along with it.
FORESHADOWING TAYLORING SCENE!!! Gwen, a servant in this version of the Arthurverse, is measuring Lancelot for his noble clothes, and they're both getting a little flustered. Although I think Merlin and Gwen are sortof kindof together at this point, or at least I think they kissed last episode. Anyway, Lancelot kisses Gwen's hand, then Merlin shepherds his-Farrah-hairedness out of there. And then Merlin clears it up for all of us that he and Gwen are just friends. Nevermind, then.
We come upon Knight Drills, which are like soccer drills but with more sword-flailing. (I'm serious about that fight choreographer, BBC.) Lancelot presents himself, and mid-bow gets smacked by Arthur, and who proclaims him too sluggish for battle. Then Arthur assigns him to stable duty. A disappointed Lancelot looks over to Merlin, who gives him the thumbs up, because this is what Arthur does when he likes someone.
Meanwhile, back at the infirmary, Gaius's suspicions are raised by how maturely Merlin seems to be taking Lancelot's inability to try out for knighthood, and once Merlin reveals the truth we get our weekly Magic Is Not A Toy lecture.
Arthur comes upon Lancelot sharpening his sword and tests his catlike reflexes. Impressed, he then orders him to kill him. Arthur, honey: I have expressed appreciation for your prettiness previously, but I believe the v-neck shirt you're currently sporting is a bit much. Also, I don't really believe you're that badass. Arthur actually gives him the come-on fingers, and then they spar with broomsticks in what is the most believable fight yet, possibly because the actors are less afraid of actually hurting each other. Arthur is impressed, and allows Lancelot to attend basic training.
I forgot to mention previously that the gryphon from earlier has been nomming villagers; gryphon-refugees begin trudging into Camelot as bells ring ominously. Arthur and Uther fret prettily about the creature's Camelot-ward trajectory, because apparently the villages already hit aren't nearly as important. Meanwhile, Gaius checks his copy of The Care and Keeping of Magical Creatures to figure out what we all did sixteen minutes ago, that our winged friend is a gryphon. Because of the prospect of gryphon attack, Arthur bring's Lancelot's entrance test forward, because apparently basic training consists of standing around and watching the other knights swish their red capes prettily.
In an actually convincing fight scene which may or may not have been done by stunt doubles, Lancelot manages to hold his own and then trick Arthur into defeat. Arthur makes like he's going to arrest him, but then knights him instead. We're only 20 minutes into the episode here, so you know that won't be the end of it. Morgana makes her first appearance of the episode, looking gorgeous in a Queen of the Undead sort of way, and comments upon both Lancelot's impressiveness and sudden appearance. Uther is suspicious, however, and has Lancelot's seal of nobility examined by Geoffrey of Monmouth, court genealogist (medievalist squee!). Geoffrey discovers the lack of Lancelot in the book which Merlin conjured his paperwork out of in the first place; if Merlin had half a brain, he would have magicked it into the book while he was at it. But then he'd have brains. For what it's worth, Morgana's wearing her backless Sexy Dress again, and attempting to give Arthur bedroom eyes. Arthur asks Lancelot whether he finds her beautiful with the air of a gay man trying to convince himself to follow the path of least resistance, but Lancelot is busy gazing at Gwen.
HA! Merlin is asking Gwen, by way of party game, which she'd choose -- Arthur or Lancelot? "But I don't have to, and I never will," Gwen says, trying to wriggle out of it. Oh, Gwen.
Next morning Lancelot is hauled unceremoniously in front of the king, who dismisses him from sight. Artie gets his dander up, and it looks like we have another plot about Uther blindly preferring social convention over the actual good of the kingdom, and yet another seed of Arthur's later egalitarian rule.
I feel now would be a good time to point out that Merlin is constantly wearing this red kerchief around his neck, which kind of makes him look like a geeky, misplaced cowboy. Anyway. Gaius has actually just now figured out that the kingdom has a gryphon problem, when ten seconds later it swoops down upon the Camelot square itself as townspeople flee from the bad CGI. Arthur and knights kneel in a circle in the center of the courtyard, shields in front of them, because that will totally help when the gryphon attacks the exposed three-quarters of their bodies, including their helmet-less heads. By the way, does this town not have archers? Apparently not. Arthur kneels in the center of the circle, the easier for the gryphon to target, I guess. The boys then try a pointed formation that at least appears to make a little more sense. They then decide to charge a creature that flies. Arthur, the only one with a spear, shoves it at the gryphon and it breaks, allegedly off the creature's hard body, except the special effects are so terrible that it just looks like the spear breaks of its own accord somewhere in the near vicinity. I really cannot adequately express how bad this is.
There is apparently a reason why Arthur thinks he's the hottest stuff in the kingdom, and that is because he's the only one doing a damn thing here. All the other knights stand around and watch as Arthur starts waving a torch in the gryphon's general direction. (I have two words for you: flaming. arrows.) However, this deterrent does send the gryphon flying into the sky. Well, at least we found something that works. Now we just need to set all of Camelot on fire.
"You said your knights were the best in the land. They proved it today," Uther says. By doing what, displaying an adequate knowledge of geometry? Because they sure as hell weren't doing any fighting. But Uther declares they need to finish the job, because arming all the villagers with torches really isn't a feasible long-term strategy. Gaius mentions the inconvenient fact that gryphons are born of magic and must die through magic, but of course Uther's anti-magic blinders are on, and he refuses to listen. "The creature has tasted our steel once; next time shall be its last." If by "tasted", you mean "eat for lunch," sure.
Arthur releases Lancelot, telling him to ride away and never return, but also giving him the opportunity to ride in at the last possible second and save the day. Years later, Arthur would probably regret releasing Lancelot. Of course, his real mistake was screwing his sister, but that's neither here nor there, as in this version he and Morgana aren't even related.
Merlin and Gaius attempt to cast a gryphon-killing spell on a dagger. Meanwhile, Lancelot shows up at Gwen's asking for armor and weapons, as he's going to follow Arthur and protect him, whether Arthur wants protection or not. Gwen is moved by his bravery, and they make eyes at each other for awhile. Then Gwen runs and tells Merlin, who has still failed to magick the dagger. Merlin insists on accompanying Lancelot instead. They come upon Arthur's small army smashed to bits, all conveniently unconscious. Merlin manages to magick Lancelot's lance just before he makes contact with the gryphon, which is really much more useful for a creature that size than a dagger anyway. However, how Lancelot didn't notice his lance glowing with magical blue fire is beyond me, unless he's going to become the one other person who knows of Merlin's secret magic. At any rate, I think Lancelot realizes something's up, because as Arthur stirs, Merlin runs back to the castle, leaving Lancelot to take the credit. However, Uther's still a stupid git, so when Lancelot shows up for his due thanks, Uther orders him out like a mongrel and gets shouty with Arthur.
Arthur insists that Uther reinstate Lancelot, but Uther refuses: "The code bends for no man!" I never understand why in these plots, the rulers act like the very laws they made are unchangeable. You freaking made the law; just make a new one! What's the good of being an absolute monarch if you can't even change your own rules?
Lancelot and Merlin have a chat outside, in front of the apparently deaf guards. Turns out Lancelot did figure out what Merlin did, but his secret's safe. However, he cannot take credit for what he did not do, so before Uther decides his fate, he leaves Camelot, saying "Perhaps fate will provide me with another chance to prove myself a worthy knight of Camelot." And, y'know, to snog Gwen. Arthur: "But Lancelot, you've already proved that to us." Lancelot: "But I must prove it to myself." And to Uther, because he's a status-blinded idiot. And thus, Lancelot and his helmet hair depart Camelot, leaving Arthur looking wistful.
And Gwen, who's watching Lancelot ride away from the window. And we end the episode with Merlin saying, "Until we meet again, Sir Lancelot." Foreshadowing!
Holy god, this got really long. Time for bed.
To catch up on the seven minutes of episode preceding this moment:
Merlin's collecting mushrooms in the forest. Then HOLY GIANT GRYPHON, BATMAN, which wants to eat our hero, but instead of Merlin using magic he just attempts to run-crawl backwards like a dumbass. But then Lancelot runs in to beat him off, waving his sword around and allegedly hitting the gryphon, except instead it looks like he's waving his sword around with a badly-CGIed gryphon somewhere about three feet behind him. (Dear BBC, WHAT THE HELL. I know you can do better than this.) But in the process Lancelot allegedly gets wounded, which manifests itself as a minor stain on Lancelot's shirt.
Merlin brings him to Gaius, the physician: "A little Tide will clear that up, I'm sure." Then they discover it has always been Lancelot's ambition to be a knight, so Merlin promises to talk to Arthur for him.
We next see a scene of the Camelot Knight Trials, where Arthur gives a big speech about how the candidates have to face a killing machine: him. Arthur, honey, you're very pretty to look at, but I'm not really buying that you're that intimidating. The knight in question twirls his sword around some, and then two rather unimpressive punches later, Arthur has him down on the ground. (Dear BBC: Add a better fight choreographer to the budget, as well.) Arthur complains about the shit quality of his knights, Merlin brings up the shiny specimen who just saved his life, Arthur reminds him that Merlin almost dying is hardly an unusual occurrence, and I can't help but agree with him. Regardless, he agrees to test this Lancelot, with one minor caveat: all knights must be nobles.
And of course Lancelot isn't, which brings us to the Moving Speech Which I Cannot Pay Attention To. Something about his parents and his village being massacred by raiders, and then it gets all Inigo Montoya up in here, I don't know. What I do know is, the product he is using cannot be period. But then Merlin promises to make him a knight anyway, and we all know this will end well. Although I must say, it's refreshing to have an episode that dwells on a good guy for once, instead of the formula of opening scene establishing shot of Villainous Plot, followed by 40 minutes of Merlin attempting to foil it without magic, followed by five minutes where he just gives up and fixes it with magic anyway.
So now we're caught up. The rest of the episode:
Merlin fakes Lancelot a seal of nobility, although how Arthur and his father won't think it's weird that they haven't heard of a noble from their own damn kingdom, I don't know. It worked in A Knight's Tale, but that was supposed to be an international tournament, and Europe at that time was made up of hundreds of tiny Duchies and the like. This is just one small corner of England/Wales, here. But Merlin convinces Lancelot to go along with it.
FORESHADOWING TAYLORING SCENE!!! Gwen, a servant in this version of the Arthurverse, is measuring Lancelot for his noble clothes, and they're both getting a little flustered. Although I think Merlin and Gwen are sortof kindof together at this point, or at least I think they kissed last episode. Anyway, Lancelot kisses Gwen's hand, then Merlin shepherds his-Farrah-hairedness out of there. And then Merlin clears it up for all of us that he and Gwen are just friends. Nevermind, then.
We come upon Knight Drills, which are like soccer drills but with more sword-flailing. (I'm serious about that fight choreographer, BBC.) Lancelot presents himself, and mid-bow gets smacked by Arthur, and who proclaims him too sluggish for battle. Then Arthur assigns him to stable duty. A disappointed Lancelot looks over to Merlin, who gives him the thumbs up, because this is what Arthur does when he likes someone.
Meanwhile, back at the infirmary, Gaius's suspicions are raised by how maturely Merlin seems to be taking Lancelot's inability to try out for knighthood, and once Merlin reveals the truth we get our weekly Magic Is Not A Toy lecture.
Arthur comes upon Lancelot sharpening his sword and tests his catlike reflexes. Impressed, he then orders him to kill him. Arthur, honey: I have expressed appreciation for your prettiness previously, but I believe the v-neck shirt you're currently sporting is a bit much. Also, I don't really believe you're that badass. Arthur actually gives him the come-on fingers, and then they spar with broomsticks in what is the most believable fight yet, possibly because the actors are less afraid of actually hurting each other. Arthur is impressed, and allows Lancelot to attend basic training.
I forgot to mention previously that the gryphon from earlier has been nomming villagers; gryphon-refugees begin trudging into Camelot as bells ring ominously. Arthur and Uther fret prettily about the creature's Camelot-ward trajectory, because apparently the villages already hit aren't nearly as important. Meanwhile, Gaius checks his copy of The Care and Keeping of Magical Creatures to figure out what we all did sixteen minutes ago, that our winged friend is a gryphon. Because of the prospect of gryphon attack, Arthur bring's Lancelot's entrance test forward, because apparently basic training consists of standing around and watching the other knights swish their red capes prettily.
In an actually convincing fight scene which may or may not have been done by stunt doubles, Lancelot manages to hold his own and then trick Arthur into defeat. Arthur makes like he's going to arrest him, but then knights him instead. We're only 20 minutes into the episode here, so you know that won't be the end of it. Morgana makes her first appearance of the episode, looking gorgeous in a Queen of the Undead sort of way, and comments upon both Lancelot's impressiveness and sudden appearance. Uther is suspicious, however, and has Lancelot's seal of nobility examined by Geoffrey of Monmouth, court genealogist (medievalist squee!). Geoffrey discovers the lack of Lancelot in the book which Merlin conjured his paperwork out of in the first place; if Merlin had half a brain, he would have magicked it into the book while he was at it. But then he'd have brains. For what it's worth, Morgana's wearing her backless Sexy Dress again, and attempting to give Arthur bedroom eyes. Arthur asks Lancelot whether he finds her beautiful with the air of a gay man trying to convince himself to follow the path of least resistance, but Lancelot is busy gazing at Gwen.
HA! Merlin is asking Gwen, by way of party game, which she'd choose -- Arthur or Lancelot? "But I don't have to, and I never will," Gwen says, trying to wriggle out of it. Oh, Gwen.
Next morning Lancelot is hauled unceremoniously in front of the king, who dismisses him from sight. Artie gets his dander up, and it looks like we have another plot about Uther blindly preferring social convention over the actual good of the kingdom, and yet another seed of Arthur's later egalitarian rule.
I feel now would be a good time to point out that Merlin is constantly wearing this red kerchief around his neck, which kind of makes him look like a geeky, misplaced cowboy. Anyway. Gaius has actually just now figured out that the kingdom has a gryphon problem, when ten seconds later it swoops down upon the Camelot square itself as townspeople flee from the bad CGI. Arthur and knights kneel in a circle in the center of the courtyard, shields in front of them, because that will totally help when the gryphon attacks the exposed three-quarters of their bodies, including their helmet-less heads. By the way, does this town not have archers? Apparently not. Arthur kneels in the center of the circle, the easier for the gryphon to target, I guess. The boys then try a pointed formation that at least appears to make a little more sense. They then decide to charge a creature that flies. Arthur, the only one with a spear, shoves it at the gryphon and it breaks, allegedly off the creature's hard body, except the special effects are so terrible that it just looks like the spear breaks of its own accord somewhere in the near vicinity. I really cannot adequately express how bad this is.
There is apparently a reason why Arthur thinks he's the hottest stuff in the kingdom, and that is because he's the only one doing a damn thing here. All the other knights stand around and watch as Arthur starts waving a torch in the gryphon's general direction. (I have two words for you: flaming. arrows.) However, this deterrent does send the gryphon flying into the sky. Well, at least we found something that works. Now we just need to set all of Camelot on fire.
"You said your knights were the best in the land. They proved it today," Uther says. By doing what, displaying an adequate knowledge of geometry? Because they sure as hell weren't doing any fighting. But Uther declares they need to finish the job, because arming all the villagers with torches really isn't a feasible long-term strategy. Gaius mentions the inconvenient fact that gryphons are born of magic and must die through magic, but of course Uther's anti-magic blinders are on, and he refuses to listen. "The creature has tasted our steel once; next time shall be its last." If by "tasted", you mean "eat for lunch," sure.
Arthur releases Lancelot, telling him to ride away and never return, but also giving him the opportunity to ride in at the last possible second and save the day. Years later, Arthur would probably regret releasing Lancelot. Of course, his real mistake was screwing his sister, but that's neither here nor there, as in this version he and Morgana aren't even related.
Merlin and Gaius attempt to cast a gryphon-killing spell on a dagger. Meanwhile, Lancelot shows up at Gwen's asking for armor and weapons, as he's going to follow Arthur and protect him, whether Arthur wants protection or not. Gwen is moved by his bravery, and they make eyes at each other for awhile. Then Gwen runs and tells Merlin, who has still failed to magick the dagger. Merlin insists on accompanying Lancelot instead. They come upon Arthur's small army smashed to bits, all conveniently unconscious. Merlin manages to magick Lancelot's lance just before he makes contact with the gryphon, which is really much more useful for a creature that size than a dagger anyway. However, how Lancelot didn't notice his lance glowing with magical blue fire is beyond me, unless he's going to become the one other person who knows of Merlin's secret magic. At any rate, I think Lancelot realizes something's up, because as Arthur stirs, Merlin runs back to the castle, leaving Lancelot to take the credit. However, Uther's still a stupid git, so when Lancelot shows up for his due thanks, Uther orders him out like a mongrel and gets shouty with Arthur.
Arthur insists that Uther reinstate Lancelot, but Uther refuses: "The code bends for no man!" I never understand why in these plots, the rulers act like the very laws they made are unchangeable. You freaking made the law; just make a new one! What's the good of being an absolute monarch if you can't even change your own rules?
Lancelot and Merlin have a chat outside, in front of the apparently deaf guards. Turns out Lancelot did figure out what Merlin did, but his secret's safe. However, he cannot take credit for what he did not do, so before Uther decides his fate, he leaves Camelot, saying "Perhaps fate will provide me with another chance to prove myself a worthy knight of Camelot." And, y'know, to snog Gwen. Arthur: "But Lancelot, you've already proved that to us." Lancelot: "But I must prove it to myself." And to Uther, because he's a status-blinded idiot. And thus, Lancelot and his helmet hair depart Camelot, leaving Arthur looking wistful.
And Gwen, who's watching Lancelot ride away from the window. And we end the episode with Merlin saying, "Until we meet again, Sir Lancelot." Foreshadowing!
Holy god, this got really long. Time for bed.