(no subject)
yeah. things definitely have changed. new information with eric. he told me that he thought that he was doing "all of this" for all the wrong reasons and only to make me happy. i'm sorry eric, but lying to me doesn't make me happy. leading me on doesn't make me happy. and telling me that you waited out entire friendship to make sure you liked me then changing your mind over the span of a week is hurtful. i couldn't tell him that. i'm sure he'll read this post. i don't really care. i'm really fucking hurt but i guess he did what he thought was right. it mostly hurts because i recall telling him that i had a history of guys liking me and then changing their minds and he said, "well, i've waited a long time to make sure that i truly liked you and i doubt that will happen." seriously, what a crock of shit. i totally fell for it. completely. i even fell for his e-mails. i fell for eric and i thought his words were sincere in every way. maybe they were. most likely they weren't. if he had just told me that he didn't want to move on then things would be a okay. just fine. this fucked things up. i've lost a lot of trust in him. i can hardly look at the kid. i do love him but i don't know what kind of love it is. my heart is worn the hell out and it needs some air and space. either a lot of space or someone who follows through with their actions and words. i'm being very bitter about this but i don't really care. i don't like being led on or lied to. i just don't. don't do it to me. that's it. period.
tomorrow i'm going to chase's and we're making vegan food for the picnic on saturday. i don't know where we stand. i love red meat. i know that chase likes me but i'm having a hard time believing anyone that tries to get close to my heart. stay the fuck away, is what i want to say. i could be denying myself happiness. i will probably end up doing that. i hope not. i got chase something at the mall today. i hope he likes it. i know he will. tomorrow will probably be amazing. it always is with chase.
my brother is fucking brilliant. he got me a coney island for the mind: poems by lawrence cunillingus. i love and miss my brother so damn much. today, jamie and i talked about how crazy he and i are when we hang out. oh man. no one could ever take his place. couldn't ask for a better brother. i really need to take time out for him. i don't appreciate him enough. same with elizabeth. one of the best days of my life was spent at their old house. one of the most amazing moments i've gone through was spent with them. whoever was on my screen name and fucked with them is no friend of mine. you just don't do that. you've no idea how fucking happy i am that they're together. they make each other so happy. i couldn't imagine that love. i could, but not in my future or anything. people are way too ..distant.
i gave my english report in first block today. my oral presentation was said to have gone really well. i was shaking. you'll know why when you read it. it was very scary but very liberating. i'm glad i did it. i feel better about myself now. like i overcame something. it feels nice to accomplish something.
i've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on
tomorrow i'm going to chase's and we're making vegan food for the picnic on saturday. i don't know where we stand. i love red meat. i know that chase likes me but i'm having a hard time believing anyone that tries to get close to my heart. stay the fuck away, is what i want to say. i could be denying myself happiness. i will probably end up doing that. i hope not. i got chase something at the mall today. i hope he likes it. i know he will. tomorrow will probably be amazing. it always is with chase.
my brother is fucking brilliant. he got me a coney island for the mind: poems by lawrence cunillingus. i love and miss my brother so damn much. today, jamie and i talked about how crazy he and i are when we hang out. oh man. no one could ever take his place. couldn't ask for a better brother. i really need to take time out for him. i don't appreciate him enough. same with elizabeth. one of the best days of my life was spent at their old house. one of the most amazing moments i've gone through was spent with them. whoever was on my screen name and fucked with them is no friend of mine. you just don't do that. you've no idea how fucking happy i am that they're together. they make each other so happy. i couldn't imagine that love. i could, but not in my future or anything. people are way too ..distant.
i gave my english report in first block today. my oral presentation was said to have gone really well. i was shaking. you'll know why when you read it. it was very scary but very liberating. i'm glad i did it. i feel better about myself now. like i overcame something. it feels nice to accomplish something.
i've packed a change of clothes and it's time to move on