slow burn treason
slow burn treason
♥ b.i/jinhwan
♂ pg-13
✎ 4900w
☠ none
✂ hanbin has never been much of a morning person.
☞ snapshots of hanbin’s mornings, originally written for kpop-olymfics
Hanbin wakes up to loud rap verse as his handphone alarm goes off. Childish Gambino is extra jarring at 5:45AM. It's early, dusky light filtering through the window-this new window that still looks unfamiliar, setting him on edge and filling him with residual disbelief. Groggy, he eyes his surroundings. The dark hardwood slats of the floor, the bare walls, the blurry shape that is Kim Jinhwan asleep on his bed across the room. Their trainee dorm.
He's never been much of a morning person, that's for sure. But here he is, half-asleep as he tugs on his socks and sweatpants, fumbling for his sneakers in the dark. It's got to say something about the weight of his dreams, how desperately he wants this. After brushing his teeth as quietly as he can, out of some ingrained manners his mother had worked into him, Hanbin pauses in the doorway, eyeing Jinhwan.
He's still sleeping peacefully, this boy that he just met a couple of days ago in the large dance studio, exuding a detached friendly air. Hanbin isn't sure whether he'd appreciate being woken, doesn't know how familiar he needs to get before he's comfortable doing anything of that sort. There's a flicker of doubt as he turns away from Jinhwan's sleeping form, but he buries it with the thought that Jinhwan could very well wake himself up on his own. It's every man for himself out here.
•
When Hanbin's alarm goes off, set a little earlier to 5:30AM now, it feels like every goddamn muscle in his body is tight and sore. "Fuck," he breathes out. It's been a brutal couple of days, the introductory dance instructors going in hard on the short routines in an attempt to weed out the weaker ones in the beginning, probably. It'll take more than that, Hanbin thinks, what with how much they're willing to sacrifice. He's not really a dancer-has never danced in his life, actually-but he's not the only one, for sure.
Kim Jinhwan had been thrown, too. Hanbin's got a general idea of what each of the trainees got in for, in order to gauge his competition, and he knows that Jinhwan's a vocalist. It's nothing polished, but between his steadfast resolve and the almost frightening speed he takes to doing whatever task is set to him, Jinhwan is sizing up quite considerably in his eyes.
There's movement across the room as Jinhwan gets out of bed-he makes that look easy too, Hanbin notes irritatedly-and strides over to Hanbin's side. Hanbin has his eyes snapped shut, feigning sleep, but he peeks as Jinhwan turns the alarm off with a bit of fumbling. "God-" Jinhwan mutters, voice low and a little hoarse this early in the morning.
Hanbin takes this opportunity to blink a couple of times, acting like he just woke up, and shifts onto his right shoulder to look at Jinhwan. He clears his throat. "What are you doing?"
"It's kind of-I don't really like the sound of alarms." Jinhwan says, before pausing with a sudden thought. "I was going to wake you up after turning it off, so don't worry about it."
He's oddly disgruntled. "Don't touch my stuff next time."
"I'm sorry," Jinhwan apologizes easily, before running a hand through his hair. "Hey-I'm going to heat up some porridge for breakfast. Do you want coffee?"
Hanbin is caught off-guard. "Uh, sure?" Jinhwan's almost out the door when Hanbin calls out, belatedly, "Thanks... hyung."
The fourth morning is also the first time Hanbin earns a genuine smile from Jinhwan.
•
The soundtrack of Bobby's snores fill Hanbin's mornings whenever he gives himself a few minutes to lie in bed, along with the soft noises Jinhwan makes whenever he shifts. It was incredibly annoying at first-Hanbin himself has always been a quiet sleeper-but now, he's almost used to it.
This is what Hanbin thinks about when he stares at the bottom of the bunk above him, tracing the wood grain through half-lidded eyes. He's still partially asleep, his mind apt to wander in a way that he never allows it to during the day, and he finds himself counting the seconds between the times Jinhwan shifts in his bed. It's about once every minute, give or take. Like clockwork.
And he knows that Jinhwan isn’t restless, at least not during the day. If anything, Bobby's the restless one. But here he is, shifting and making the bed creak as Hanbin counts to 58, 59, 60 in his head. Hanbin wonders idly if Jinhwan is having a dream-or a nightmare.
Except that would mean that Jinhwan gets nightmares fairly regularly, and Hanbin's unsure as to how that would happen. Hanbin might not be the best at reading people, but even he’s managed to take notice of the quiet assuredness in everything Jinhwan does. He’s almost jealous, though he’s past the point of viewing Jinhwan’s strengths as potential threats to himself, and instead realizes that he'll take anything he can get. They’re a team now, and it’s a team effort to get through each and every monthly evaluation.
The bed creaks again, and Hanbin can’t take it anymore. He’s about to bang on Jinhwan’s headboard, but then thinks of the permanent dark smudges under Jinhwan’s eyes that mirror his own, and decides he’s not that much of an asshole. Hanbin flips to his other side, grumbling as he pulls the covers over his ear.
•
Hanbin's still awake as the room lightens to grey, then gold, as the rising sun casts bands of light onto the far wall. He's gotten maybe an hour of wakeful sleep. He'd been restless the entire night, shifting every so often, trying to make himself pass out, his mind wandering to the previous night every time.
They'd done well at the monthly evaluation-praised for the teamwork between the three of them and how far they'd come. And Hanbin was riding on a high the rest of the night, feeling like he could scale a mountain. So, a few of the celebratory beers he'd taken off of Bobby's hands later, Jinhwan had turned to him beaming, mid-sentence, and Hanbin tugged him closer and pressed their mouths together.
It felt right. Jinhwan’s lips were as soft as Hanbin imagined, not that he'd ever admit to doing so, and it must've been the buzz that had him pressing closer, hungry for more. Hanbin had been in the basement before he even developed a sex drive, to be honest, and had only been kissed by this one headstrong female trainee who was long gone, but he wanted this, even as Jinhwan pulled back. It felt reckless and God, it felt good.
"I don't-you're drunk right now, Hanbin," Jinhwan said. He'd distanced himself already, eyes shuttering, and Hanbin wanted to pull him in again, get back that radiant Jinhwan half-smile of a minute ago.
"M'not." He’d only had a couple, really, and he still felt level-headed. All he knew right then was that he wouldn't mind if they just made out for the rest of the night.
Jinhwan stood up, looking like he was about to speak, before he turned away and disappeared down the hall. And Hanbin was left with the crushing feeling of almost rejection, sinking heavily inside his stomach. He’d downed another can of beer.
He kicks his sheets, trying not to recall it again. Hanbin's got the beginnings of a killer migraine, but right now, he just curses the fact that he didn't get drunk enough to forget this whole incident. Jinhwan'll be awake in a couple of hours and Hanbin has no idea how to face him.
•
Hanbin thinks the most when he's in bed, both at night and in the morning. Though nowadays, he doesn't get to bed until long after midnight, so he drifts off immediately, sleep weighing heavier in his mind than anything else. So now it’s during the mornings, when his biological clock has him startling awake at the break of dawn, that Hanbin just lies there and thinks, really thinks.
He thinks about the three of them, thinks about how far they've come compared to all the trainees who’d left before them, thinks about how long they've got left. In the beginning, he had told himself not to get too attached, because these boys would probably be gone and replaced in a month. Except Jinhwan's stuck around, with this unshakeable air about him that Hanbin had dismissed as some kind of defensive detachedness when they first met. And so has Bobby, who always acts so flippant and casual, but has a stubborn streak that rivals Hanbin's own.
Hanbin's really lucky to have ended up with these two, he reflects. He's so-he's so comfortable around them, able to finally let himself go when he's alone with them, in their presence. In fact, he probably likes them too much, his mind flitting to Jinhwan unwillingly.
He promptly feels sick to his stomach. Jinhwan hadn't commented again on the earlier incident, and he'd been acting... normal, surprisingly so. Hanbin almost doesn't want him to act normal, wants to get some sort of rise out of him.
Hanbin tugs his arms out from underneath the sheets and tucks them behind his head. The popcorn ceiling is a familiar sight to him by now, and he sweeps his gaze along the crack that runs in one corner, partially obscured by Bobby’s bunk above him. He can still hear Bobby snoring, which makes him think a little disgruntledly about how he’s always the first to wake, and not even on purpose. It’s born out of habit, and he’s waking up before six every morning whether he likes it or not.
The alarm on his phone goes off, and Hanbin taps it off quickly. Steeling himself for one second, he sits up in bed, before slapping the bunk above him with the flat of his hand. It’s a new day, and they’ve got dance practice in an hour. “Get up.”
•
They add two new kids and somehow manage to squeeze everyone inside the godforsaken dorm. Bobby's cheerful as ever, and promptly volunteers to move into a closet-sized room with Yunhyeong, citing "same-aged friend bonding." He's good at this friendly business, Hanbin has to admit, so he doesn't get too worried about how it's going to play out.
The other kid is another story. Goo Junhwe. He's a little younger than Hanbin, gaze lofty enough to make Hanbin preemptively ticked-off, but he recognizes the vulnerable look in his eyes and decides not to be that hard on him. Junhwe's been trailing after Jinhwan ever since they were introduced, and Hanbin wonders irritatedly if something’s going on. Not that he cares, or anything. Everyone likes Jinhwan easily, he’s so unassuming and friendly in his own way. He's been here long enough to know that everybody's got to have someone to count on, to anchor themselves to, in order to survive.
That doesn’t mean he has to like it. Hanbin turns to his side and tugs his duvet up past his neck, fiddling with the zipper. The curtains are shut completely, except for this one sliver of light that’s hitting the far wall. Jinhwan doesn’t have to play nice with the new kid. Bobby’s friendly enough for the three of them. And he knows the stories, knows that this Junhwe came from JYP, so none of this trainee life is anything he needs to adjust to.
And Hanbin doesn’t like having to start from scratch, teaching someone to dance, all over again. Yunhyeong is so earnest all the damn time, and Hanbin feels too guilty to yell at him, but Junhwe thinks he’s hot stuff and Hanbin is at his wit’s end.
He knows that Junhwe has been on variety shows, and survival shows, and has had probably more experience on camera than the rest of them put together (Hanbin’s Indian Boy performances are taboo and not to be brought up) and should probably be viewed as an asset. But he’s cocky and doesn’t act like the youngest he is-and he’s got no control while dancing, for God’s sake. No eye for execution, just a fuckload of energy that he’s using to emphasize the wrong moves.
There’s still probably over an hour to go before they need to be up, but Hanbin’s morning has been ruined officially just from thinking about this, and he doesn’t have enough time to bother to fall asleep again. He wants to bury his face in the pillow and scream for a good five minutes. Somewhere, deep down, he knows that he’s just irritated Jinhwan’s treating Junhwe the exact same way Jinhwan treated him when they first met, and he can’t stand it.
•
It's fucking 5AM and Hanbin still can't fall asleep. Donghyuk’s sweet, but he’s spent the night cycling through vomiting into the toilet, going to bed, waking up dry heaving, and going back to square one. Jinhwan’s been helping, giving orders when Hanbin just stands, shocked, at the sight of vomit on the bathroom tiles, and going into action when it becomes apparent that Hanbin is out of his depth here.
He tries to be a good leader, as best as he can be, for all of them. But just because he can hustle all six of them through a four hour dance practice doesn’t mean he can wrap an arm around Donghyuk’s waist to keep him steady.
The day before was monthly evaluation day-Donghyuk’s sixth, and Hanbin has lost count of how many he’s been through himself. It meant the stress running a little high as usual, nothing new. Except sajangnim had walked in and dropped a bomb, and in the hours since, Hanbin’s mind has been running a mile a minute.
There’s too much going on. Hanbin was alright friends with the trainees in their age group, Mino coming to mind especially, but suddenly it’s “you versus them.” And Hanbin knows that they’re so goddamn close to what they’ve been working for, what he’s been working for, every single day for the past two years. He has faith in them-and call him arrogant, but he knows that they’re going to win, without a doubt. They’ve just got the last stretch, nightmare of the next 100 days to live through, before they’re home free.
Donghyuk’s worried sick, and somehow looking out for him has helped Hanbin take his mind off things as the hand of the clock ticks from late night to early morning. They’d all been set on edge, and now they’re channeling all this nervous energy into taking care of Donghyuk.
When Hanbin brushes past Jinhwan in the hallway at six in the morning, neither of them have slept a wink the entire night, but they exchange tired smiles in recognition of their duty up ahead. Jinhwan’s got an extra spark in his eye, and Hanbin lets his gaze linger for a second too long. There’s no way they’re not going to win this.
•
Hanbin’s nights bleed into his mornings, until he almost forgets that the day is defined by the placement of the sun and not by the taping schedule of the week. If he thought he didn’t get a lot of sleep before, well-he had no fucking clue.
It feels like five minutes is an eternity of sleep, but five minutes is too much time to waste. It’s five minutes he could be spending adjusting the baseline down a millisecond, changing a phrase on his hastily scrawn lyric sheet, or running through his rap one more time. Bobby doesn’t snore anymore, and the Jinhwan he sees every day isn’t the real Jinhwan, his Jinhwan, but the person he’s supposed to sling his arm around when the director gives him a nod. He’s sick, physically and mentally, killing himself over this, and the only lucid thought that keeps him going through the day is that it’ll all be worth it in the end.
•
Whenever Hanbin wakes up in the morning, he gets a few minutes of blissed-out ignorance, a few minutes where he forgets that they’ve lost. Then it all comes rushing back to him, the loss and the regret making him nauseous with the thought that he could’ve done more. He could’ve tried harder, pushed them a little further, and then maybe it would have been enough. Maybe they could’ve won, and then they’d be the ones in the studio right now, night and day, recording their studio album and debuting in a matter of months.
But it’s not, and at first Hanbin had just been numb. Numbness, to misplaced anger, and finally to this bone-crushing, gaping hole of disappointment and regret. Jinhwan had tried to talk him through it-which, personally, he thinks is a little ridiculous, because Jinhwan is the worst crier of them all-but Jinhwan’s selfless enough to keep him steady on his feet, recognizing that the whole team needs him. He’s seems to just get everything that Hanbin feels, and the exact right way to respond to him. Not for the first time, Hanbin wonders where he’d be without Jinhwan. When Jinhwan clasps his arm while talking softly about one thing or another, his words don't register but Hanbin almost wishes he'd never let go.
There are over two hours to go before they should be waking up, but Hanbin knows that trying to sleep again is a lost battle, so he kicks off his covers and swings out of bed. He might as well brush his teeth before the rest of them wake up. God knows how many times he's been hustled out of the bathroom now by Bobby.
Hanbin stops short in the doorway. Jinhwan, who he identifies immediately, is sitting on the floor, legs tucked into his chest with his head between his knees. He almost thinks Jinhwan's asleep at first, before he hears his shuddering breaths over the sound of his own heart. Fuck, but Hanbin has absolutely no idea what to do. It's a little shitty to think about but, in retrospect, it's always been Jinhwan who had comforted Hanbin, and not the other way around.
Even if he can't put it into words, he's got a pretty good idea of what Jinhwan's going through. It's like the world is collapsing in on him, as he's backed into the edge of a cliff. Hanbin often gets the feeling to just lie in bed all day, gazing listlessly at the wooden slats of the bunk above him. Except he has to go on, but with everything being pent up, he needs to let it release somehow. It makes his chest ache-Hanbin would never want someone to feel the way he does, especially not Jinhwan.
Hanbin drops to his knees in front of Jinhwan, tapping his arm. Jinhwan gives a little jerk, before turning away and standing up hastily, rubbing his face with a sleeve. His voice is surprisingly steady, if a little out-of-breath as he speaks. "What are you doing up?"
"You know me." Hanbin's mouth is sandpaper, tongue clumsy as he can't put the thoughts he wants to convey into words. Even he knows by now that 'are you okay?' is the most stupid and tactless question in the world, so he settles for a "Want to talk?" instead.
"I'm good, thanks." Jinhwan's face is schooled into a neutral expression, if a little blotchy, when he turns back to face him. He's silent for a long time, and Hanbin almost talks again before Jinhwan speaks up, voice tinged with bitterness. "I doubt you'd understand-you're not the oldest."
It knocks the wind of Hanbin, makes him recoil. For as long as he's known Jinhwan, he's never voiced a genuinely rude thing aloud. At first, Hanbin had assumed he just never had one mean thought, before realizing that Jinhwan was just really good at keeping his mouth shut. It's too early in the morning for Hanbin's walls to be up, and he just looks at Jinhwan with a face of complete shock, betrayal.
Jinhwan looks like he'd just realized what he said, and his face crumples as he tries to apologize. "Shit, Hanbin, I'm sorry. I didn't-"
"Mean it?" His face feels numb, but Hanbin's learned a thing or two from his etiquette lessons, and he feels his lips curve into a gracious smile. "It wasn't your fault. I get it."
Jinhwan gives him an incredulous look. "Don't do that-fake smile thing. Stop." He rubs the back of his neck, before visibly slumping. "God, look at you. Look at me. What happened? Is this really what we wanted? Fuck, I just wanted to sing."
"And I liked rapping. But look where that got us." Hanbin sits down on the tiles right next to Jinhwan. He draws his knees to his chest, the side of his thigh pressing against Jinhwan's, and once again marvels with a detached fascination how much bigger he's gotten compared to Jinhwan.
"We should start working on breakfast," Jinhwan suggests.
"Don't change the subject."
"Then you stop being so high-strung,” he chides.
Hanbin falls silent. Somehow, Jinhwan's gentle rebukes are scarier than Bobby's occasional shouting. He's soft about it-like every fucking thing he does-but that in itself is just so terrifying.
“It’s not easy, is it?" Jinhwan looks like he wants to say more, but he turns around and walks out.
This situation is literally bringing out the worst in everyone, and Hanbin punches a cabinet, before recoiling and shaking out his fist. He is not high-strung. He's just got a load of nervous energy that he doesn't know how to deal with, so he puts it into writing songs. Maybe his brain will fry if he writes enough and when he wakes up again, this will all be over.
•
Jinhwan looks, for all intents and purposes, normal. He goes about their shared practice for the day, and he's back to his normal, faintly smiling, self. Hanbin hates it.
It's 5:00AM, and Jinhwan had just crawled into bed an hour ago. He still smells like fresh, outside air, except for an edge of powdery perfume.
He knows Jinhwan is still awake, so he just speaks up. "Please don't tell me you're fucking some chick."
There's a pause, where Hanbin almost thinks Jinhwan is actually asleep, before he replies. "What's it to you?"
"Jinhwan-" he starts. Jinhwan climbs down unsteadily and sits cross-legged at the foot of his bed. His cheeks are rosy and-"shit, are you drunk?"
"As a matter of fact, I am and I did." He laughs loosely, still slightly inebriated. "She's shorter than me-imagine-this idol girl."
"The fuck were you-"
Jinhwan crawls up over him, and it's suddenly incredibly stuffy in this room. "Jealous?"
He sputters. "What? In what world."
Jinhwan leans in close and Hanbin's heart almost beats out of his chest. Jinhwan's lips are just centimeters away from brushing his ears when he whispers. "Don't think I haven't seen the way you look at me. It's cute. Cute little Hanbin. We could have fun." He runs a finger along the line of Hanbin's jaw clumsily.
Hanbin pushes Jinhwan off of himself. He can't think straight through Jinhwan's burning touch, through this panic. "Take a cold shower, hyung. You're not yourself." Jinhwan's the oldest and if he can't be responsible, there's no way any of them can do any better. He takes a deep breath, while jiggering his leg. "You're the oldest, you need to-"
"Set an example?" Jinhwan spits. "I already fucking know. Haven't forgotten it for a second."
"I didn't-" Hanbin's reaching for him, but Jinhwan's already ducked out of the room.
•
His mornings are just long periods of nauseousness now. Back to practicing, back to the uncertain future, back to the silent treatment he's been giving a very confused Jinhwan. Because of course Jinhwan doesn’t remember a damn thing.
It's six o'clock, and his pillow feels thin under his head. Hanbin's developed a whole assorted box set of problems, like how he can't stop looking at Jinhwan, or this particular one where he can't seem to sleep at all anymore. It's like his body won't listen to him, some bass line always reverberating in his ears. Back to the damn grind.
•
Another show. Another bunch of fresh-faced kids. Hanbin just doesn't think he can do this anymore, but now he realizes he can't just stop either. There's nothing else he knows to do, for heaven's sake. There's no way he can leave. Not when Jinhwan is here. Not when he still feels like there's something he needs to prove.
But for now, he just sets aside his tangled mess of feelings, because he's got to work for his newly expanded team right now. He's made it for sure, and so has Jinhwan and Bobby, but he's overwhelmed with guilt as he thinks about the other three still struggling for their place. They deserve it as much as rest of them, but they're still living under this pressure while Hanbin is home free, in a sense. Hanbin feels like shit.
He hates that other show too. Hanbin's drowning, spiraling down, forgetting all his damn lines and just pulling a blank, and not only during vital performances. Sometimes, Hanbin just lies on his side on top of his comforter and just stares listlessly at the wall. His head hurts so much but it's all just white noise, really.
Sometimes, he wonders what Jinhwan is up to. He likes him too much and Hanbin is still trying to figure out how all of this affection just crept up on him. The Jinhwan he sees maybe an hour a day now is the camera Jinhwan, the on-air Jinhwan. Unassuming but just the right amount of edge. Too perfect, and the scariest thing is, he's still recognizable. Hanbin hates it, but he supposes he's going to be seeing a lot more of this from now on, seeing as they're debuting and all. It's a funny thing-he's worked single-mindedly towards this one goal for the past three years, and now that it's finally in his grasp, he doesn't know what to do anymore.
•
It's ridiculously early in the morning when Hanbin wakes up. At least his body clock hasn't let him down. He's momentarily disoriented by the ugly couch he's sprawled on, the pillow he's clutching, the crick in his neck, until he realises that he’d fallen asleep in the studio again.
Shit. His mouth tastes nasty, and the time is three AM when he wakes the desktop screen. It's early enough that he might as well get back to the dorm to sleep.
The trek back is chilly, and Hanbin closes his eyes as he braces himself against the cold wind. When he unlocks the door, stepping into the room as quietly as possible, Hanbin finds himself facing a very much asleep Jinhwan on the sofa.
He must've stayed up, waiting for Hanbin to get back. Hanbin's half exasperated, and half almost pleased.
Moving forward softly, Hanbin sinks down just to look at Jinhwan’s face. Jinhwan looks so peaceful when he's asleep, the tiny indent between his brows relaxed, eyelashes fanning across his cheeks, his mouth slightly parted. It hits him then, how much he likes Jinhwan, likes just being around him. He is, for lack of better words, head over heels. God, he likes him so much
Jinhwan's eyelashes flutter as he blinks awake. "Hi," he says softly.
"Hi," Hanbin responds. "Did you stay up for me?"
"Yeah." Jinhwan's smile is so gorgeous, even half-asleep with his eyes still lidded.
"Well, I'm back. Let's get you into bed." Hanbin is suddenly giddy, and he scoops Jinhwan up. He's as light and small in his arms as Hanbin expected, and Jinhwan lets out a surprised laugh, arms automatically going around Hanbin's neck.
"That's not my room," he says finally, as Hanbin nudges the door open with his foot.
"Nope," Hanbin agrees. He drops Jinhwan onto his own bed. "It's too far, my arms are tired. We can share."
Jinhwan doesn't protest, a kind of sleepy realization and understanding in his eyes. His lips curl as he smiles, amused. He squeezes one of Hanbin's biceps delicately. "Somehow, I doubt that." Bobby's snoring is loud as Hanbin lets out a stifled laugh.
Being near Jinhwan just makes him feel better automatically. Maybe it's going to be alright. The four kids are set, they're all set, and it seems the worst is behind him. The perfect Jinhwan persona is still going to be there whenever they're in front of a camera, but Hanbin can probably deal with it if it means that he gets this Jinhwan all to himself.
Technically it had already been morning earlier, but when Hanbin wakes up a couple of hours later at six, with Jinhwan's clean scent all around him, he knows that this, right now, is the best morning of his life.
♥ b.i/jinhwan
♂ pg-13
✎ 4900w
☠ none
✂ hanbin has never been much of a morning person.
☞ snapshots of hanbin’s mornings, originally written for kpop-olymfics
Hanbin wakes up to loud rap verse as his handphone alarm goes off. Childish Gambino is extra jarring at 5:45AM. It's early, dusky light filtering through the window-this new window that still looks unfamiliar, setting him on edge and filling him with residual disbelief. Groggy, he eyes his surroundings. The dark hardwood slats of the floor, the bare walls, the blurry shape that is Kim Jinhwan asleep on his bed across the room. Their trainee dorm.
He's never been much of a morning person, that's for sure. But here he is, half-asleep as he tugs on his socks and sweatpants, fumbling for his sneakers in the dark. It's got to say something about the weight of his dreams, how desperately he wants this. After brushing his teeth as quietly as he can, out of some ingrained manners his mother had worked into him, Hanbin pauses in the doorway, eyeing Jinhwan.
He's still sleeping peacefully, this boy that he just met a couple of days ago in the large dance studio, exuding a detached friendly air. Hanbin isn't sure whether he'd appreciate being woken, doesn't know how familiar he needs to get before he's comfortable doing anything of that sort. There's a flicker of doubt as he turns away from Jinhwan's sleeping form, but he buries it with the thought that Jinhwan could very well wake himself up on his own. It's every man for himself out here.
•
When Hanbin's alarm goes off, set a little earlier to 5:30AM now, it feels like every goddamn muscle in his body is tight and sore. "Fuck," he breathes out. It's been a brutal couple of days, the introductory dance instructors going in hard on the short routines in an attempt to weed out the weaker ones in the beginning, probably. It'll take more than that, Hanbin thinks, what with how much they're willing to sacrifice. He's not really a dancer-has never danced in his life, actually-but he's not the only one, for sure.
Kim Jinhwan had been thrown, too. Hanbin's got a general idea of what each of the trainees got in for, in order to gauge his competition, and he knows that Jinhwan's a vocalist. It's nothing polished, but between his steadfast resolve and the almost frightening speed he takes to doing whatever task is set to him, Jinhwan is sizing up quite considerably in his eyes.
There's movement across the room as Jinhwan gets out of bed-he makes that look easy too, Hanbin notes irritatedly-and strides over to Hanbin's side. Hanbin has his eyes snapped shut, feigning sleep, but he peeks as Jinhwan turns the alarm off with a bit of fumbling. "God-" Jinhwan mutters, voice low and a little hoarse this early in the morning.
Hanbin takes this opportunity to blink a couple of times, acting like he just woke up, and shifts onto his right shoulder to look at Jinhwan. He clears his throat. "What are you doing?"
"It's kind of-I don't really like the sound of alarms." Jinhwan says, before pausing with a sudden thought. "I was going to wake you up after turning it off, so don't worry about it."
He's oddly disgruntled. "Don't touch my stuff next time."
"I'm sorry," Jinhwan apologizes easily, before running a hand through his hair. "Hey-I'm going to heat up some porridge for breakfast. Do you want coffee?"
Hanbin is caught off-guard. "Uh, sure?" Jinhwan's almost out the door when Hanbin calls out, belatedly, "Thanks... hyung."
The fourth morning is also the first time Hanbin earns a genuine smile from Jinhwan.
•
The soundtrack of Bobby's snores fill Hanbin's mornings whenever he gives himself a few minutes to lie in bed, along with the soft noises Jinhwan makes whenever he shifts. It was incredibly annoying at first-Hanbin himself has always been a quiet sleeper-but now, he's almost used to it.
This is what Hanbin thinks about when he stares at the bottom of the bunk above him, tracing the wood grain through half-lidded eyes. He's still partially asleep, his mind apt to wander in a way that he never allows it to during the day, and he finds himself counting the seconds between the times Jinhwan shifts in his bed. It's about once every minute, give or take. Like clockwork.
And he knows that Jinhwan isn’t restless, at least not during the day. If anything, Bobby's the restless one. But here he is, shifting and making the bed creak as Hanbin counts to 58, 59, 60 in his head. Hanbin wonders idly if Jinhwan is having a dream-or a nightmare.
Except that would mean that Jinhwan gets nightmares fairly regularly, and Hanbin's unsure as to how that would happen. Hanbin might not be the best at reading people, but even he’s managed to take notice of the quiet assuredness in everything Jinhwan does. He’s almost jealous, though he’s past the point of viewing Jinhwan’s strengths as potential threats to himself, and instead realizes that he'll take anything he can get. They’re a team now, and it’s a team effort to get through each and every monthly evaluation.
The bed creaks again, and Hanbin can’t take it anymore. He’s about to bang on Jinhwan’s headboard, but then thinks of the permanent dark smudges under Jinhwan’s eyes that mirror his own, and decides he’s not that much of an asshole. Hanbin flips to his other side, grumbling as he pulls the covers over his ear.
•
Hanbin's still awake as the room lightens to grey, then gold, as the rising sun casts bands of light onto the far wall. He's gotten maybe an hour of wakeful sleep. He'd been restless the entire night, shifting every so often, trying to make himself pass out, his mind wandering to the previous night every time.
They'd done well at the monthly evaluation-praised for the teamwork between the three of them and how far they'd come. And Hanbin was riding on a high the rest of the night, feeling like he could scale a mountain. So, a few of the celebratory beers he'd taken off of Bobby's hands later, Jinhwan had turned to him beaming, mid-sentence, and Hanbin tugged him closer and pressed their mouths together.
It felt right. Jinhwan’s lips were as soft as Hanbin imagined, not that he'd ever admit to doing so, and it must've been the buzz that had him pressing closer, hungry for more. Hanbin had been in the basement before he even developed a sex drive, to be honest, and had only been kissed by this one headstrong female trainee who was long gone, but he wanted this, even as Jinhwan pulled back. It felt reckless and God, it felt good.
"I don't-you're drunk right now, Hanbin," Jinhwan said. He'd distanced himself already, eyes shuttering, and Hanbin wanted to pull him in again, get back that radiant Jinhwan half-smile of a minute ago.
"M'not." He’d only had a couple, really, and he still felt level-headed. All he knew right then was that he wouldn't mind if they just made out for the rest of the night.
Jinhwan stood up, looking like he was about to speak, before he turned away and disappeared down the hall. And Hanbin was left with the crushing feeling of almost rejection, sinking heavily inside his stomach. He’d downed another can of beer.
He kicks his sheets, trying not to recall it again. Hanbin's got the beginnings of a killer migraine, but right now, he just curses the fact that he didn't get drunk enough to forget this whole incident. Jinhwan'll be awake in a couple of hours and Hanbin has no idea how to face him.
•
Hanbin thinks the most when he's in bed, both at night and in the morning. Though nowadays, he doesn't get to bed until long after midnight, so he drifts off immediately, sleep weighing heavier in his mind than anything else. So now it’s during the mornings, when his biological clock has him startling awake at the break of dawn, that Hanbin just lies there and thinks, really thinks.
He thinks about the three of them, thinks about how far they've come compared to all the trainees who’d left before them, thinks about how long they've got left. In the beginning, he had told himself not to get too attached, because these boys would probably be gone and replaced in a month. Except Jinhwan's stuck around, with this unshakeable air about him that Hanbin had dismissed as some kind of defensive detachedness when they first met. And so has Bobby, who always acts so flippant and casual, but has a stubborn streak that rivals Hanbin's own.
Hanbin's really lucky to have ended up with these two, he reflects. He's so-he's so comfortable around them, able to finally let himself go when he's alone with them, in their presence. In fact, he probably likes them too much, his mind flitting to Jinhwan unwillingly.
He promptly feels sick to his stomach. Jinhwan hadn't commented again on the earlier incident, and he'd been acting... normal, surprisingly so. Hanbin almost doesn't want him to act normal, wants to get some sort of rise out of him.
Hanbin tugs his arms out from underneath the sheets and tucks them behind his head. The popcorn ceiling is a familiar sight to him by now, and he sweeps his gaze along the crack that runs in one corner, partially obscured by Bobby’s bunk above him. He can still hear Bobby snoring, which makes him think a little disgruntledly about how he’s always the first to wake, and not even on purpose. It’s born out of habit, and he’s waking up before six every morning whether he likes it or not.
The alarm on his phone goes off, and Hanbin taps it off quickly. Steeling himself for one second, he sits up in bed, before slapping the bunk above him with the flat of his hand. It’s a new day, and they’ve got dance practice in an hour. “Get up.”
•
They add two new kids and somehow manage to squeeze everyone inside the godforsaken dorm. Bobby's cheerful as ever, and promptly volunteers to move into a closet-sized room with Yunhyeong, citing "same-aged friend bonding." He's good at this friendly business, Hanbin has to admit, so he doesn't get too worried about how it's going to play out.
The other kid is another story. Goo Junhwe. He's a little younger than Hanbin, gaze lofty enough to make Hanbin preemptively ticked-off, but he recognizes the vulnerable look in his eyes and decides not to be that hard on him. Junhwe's been trailing after Jinhwan ever since they were introduced, and Hanbin wonders irritatedly if something’s going on. Not that he cares, or anything. Everyone likes Jinhwan easily, he’s so unassuming and friendly in his own way. He's been here long enough to know that everybody's got to have someone to count on, to anchor themselves to, in order to survive.
That doesn’t mean he has to like it. Hanbin turns to his side and tugs his duvet up past his neck, fiddling with the zipper. The curtains are shut completely, except for this one sliver of light that’s hitting the far wall. Jinhwan doesn’t have to play nice with the new kid. Bobby’s friendly enough for the three of them. And he knows the stories, knows that this Junhwe came from JYP, so none of this trainee life is anything he needs to adjust to.
And Hanbin doesn’t like having to start from scratch, teaching someone to dance, all over again. Yunhyeong is so earnest all the damn time, and Hanbin feels too guilty to yell at him, but Junhwe thinks he’s hot stuff and Hanbin is at his wit’s end.
He knows that Junhwe has been on variety shows, and survival shows, and has had probably more experience on camera than the rest of them put together (Hanbin’s Indian Boy performances are taboo and not to be brought up) and should probably be viewed as an asset. But he’s cocky and doesn’t act like the youngest he is-and he’s got no control while dancing, for God’s sake. No eye for execution, just a fuckload of energy that he’s using to emphasize the wrong moves.
There’s still probably over an hour to go before they need to be up, but Hanbin’s morning has been ruined officially just from thinking about this, and he doesn’t have enough time to bother to fall asleep again. He wants to bury his face in the pillow and scream for a good five minutes. Somewhere, deep down, he knows that he’s just irritated Jinhwan’s treating Junhwe the exact same way Jinhwan treated him when they first met, and he can’t stand it.
•
It's fucking 5AM and Hanbin still can't fall asleep. Donghyuk’s sweet, but he’s spent the night cycling through vomiting into the toilet, going to bed, waking up dry heaving, and going back to square one. Jinhwan’s been helping, giving orders when Hanbin just stands, shocked, at the sight of vomit on the bathroom tiles, and going into action when it becomes apparent that Hanbin is out of his depth here.
He tries to be a good leader, as best as he can be, for all of them. But just because he can hustle all six of them through a four hour dance practice doesn’t mean he can wrap an arm around Donghyuk’s waist to keep him steady.
The day before was monthly evaluation day-Donghyuk’s sixth, and Hanbin has lost count of how many he’s been through himself. It meant the stress running a little high as usual, nothing new. Except sajangnim had walked in and dropped a bomb, and in the hours since, Hanbin’s mind has been running a mile a minute.
There’s too much going on. Hanbin was alright friends with the trainees in their age group, Mino coming to mind especially, but suddenly it’s “you versus them.” And Hanbin knows that they’re so goddamn close to what they’ve been working for, what he’s been working for, every single day for the past two years. He has faith in them-and call him arrogant, but he knows that they’re going to win, without a doubt. They’ve just got the last stretch, nightmare of the next 100 days to live through, before they’re home free.
Donghyuk’s worried sick, and somehow looking out for him has helped Hanbin take his mind off things as the hand of the clock ticks from late night to early morning. They’d all been set on edge, and now they’re channeling all this nervous energy into taking care of Donghyuk.
When Hanbin brushes past Jinhwan in the hallway at six in the morning, neither of them have slept a wink the entire night, but they exchange tired smiles in recognition of their duty up ahead. Jinhwan’s got an extra spark in his eye, and Hanbin lets his gaze linger for a second too long. There’s no way they’re not going to win this.
•
Hanbin’s nights bleed into his mornings, until he almost forgets that the day is defined by the placement of the sun and not by the taping schedule of the week. If he thought he didn’t get a lot of sleep before, well-he had no fucking clue.
It feels like five minutes is an eternity of sleep, but five minutes is too much time to waste. It’s five minutes he could be spending adjusting the baseline down a millisecond, changing a phrase on his hastily scrawn lyric sheet, or running through his rap one more time. Bobby doesn’t snore anymore, and the Jinhwan he sees every day isn’t the real Jinhwan, his Jinhwan, but the person he’s supposed to sling his arm around when the director gives him a nod. He’s sick, physically and mentally, killing himself over this, and the only lucid thought that keeps him going through the day is that it’ll all be worth it in the end.
•
Whenever Hanbin wakes up in the morning, he gets a few minutes of blissed-out ignorance, a few minutes where he forgets that they’ve lost. Then it all comes rushing back to him, the loss and the regret making him nauseous with the thought that he could’ve done more. He could’ve tried harder, pushed them a little further, and then maybe it would have been enough. Maybe they could’ve won, and then they’d be the ones in the studio right now, night and day, recording their studio album and debuting in a matter of months.
But it’s not, and at first Hanbin had just been numb. Numbness, to misplaced anger, and finally to this bone-crushing, gaping hole of disappointment and regret. Jinhwan had tried to talk him through it-which, personally, he thinks is a little ridiculous, because Jinhwan is the worst crier of them all-but Jinhwan’s selfless enough to keep him steady on his feet, recognizing that the whole team needs him. He’s seems to just get everything that Hanbin feels, and the exact right way to respond to him. Not for the first time, Hanbin wonders where he’d be without Jinhwan. When Jinhwan clasps his arm while talking softly about one thing or another, his words don't register but Hanbin almost wishes he'd never let go.
There are over two hours to go before they should be waking up, but Hanbin knows that trying to sleep again is a lost battle, so he kicks off his covers and swings out of bed. He might as well brush his teeth before the rest of them wake up. God knows how many times he's been hustled out of the bathroom now by Bobby.
Hanbin stops short in the doorway. Jinhwan, who he identifies immediately, is sitting on the floor, legs tucked into his chest with his head between his knees. He almost thinks Jinhwan's asleep at first, before he hears his shuddering breaths over the sound of his own heart. Fuck, but Hanbin has absolutely no idea what to do. It's a little shitty to think about but, in retrospect, it's always been Jinhwan who had comforted Hanbin, and not the other way around.
Even if he can't put it into words, he's got a pretty good idea of what Jinhwan's going through. It's like the world is collapsing in on him, as he's backed into the edge of a cliff. Hanbin often gets the feeling to just lie in bed all day, gazing listlessly at the wooden slats of the bunk above him. Except he has to go on, but with everything being pent up, he needs to let it release somehow. It makes his chest ache-Hanbin would never want someone to feel the way he does, especially not Jinhwan.
Hanbin drops to his knees in front of Jinhwan, tapping his arm. Jinhwan gives a little jerk, before turning away and standing up hastily, rubbing his face with a sleeve. His voice is surprisingly steady, if a little out-of-breath as he speaks. "What are you doing up?"
"You know me." Hanbin's mouth is sandpaper, tongue clumsy as he can't put the thoughts he wants to convey into words. Even he knows by now that 'are you okay?' is the most stupid and tactless question in the world, so he settles for a "Want to talk?" instead.
"I'm good, thanks." Jinhwan's face is schooled into a neutral expression, if a little blotchy, when he turns back to face him. He's silent for a long time, and Hanbin almost talks again before Jinhwan speaks up, voice tinged with bitterness. "I doubt you'd understand-you're not the oldest."
It knocks the wind of Hanbin, makes him recoil. For as long as he's known Jinhwan, he's never voiced a genuinely rude thing aloud. At first, Hanbin had assumed he just never had one mean thought, before realizing that Jinhwan was just really good at keeping his mouth shut. It's too early in the morning for Hanbin's walls to be up, and he just looks at Jinhwan with a face of complete shock, betrayal.
Jinhwan looks like he'd just realized what he said, and his face crumples as he tries to apologize. "Shit, Hanbin, I'm sorry. I didn't-"
"Mean it?" His face feels numb, but Hanbin's learned a thing or two from his etiquette lessons, and he feels his lips curve into a gracious smile. "It wasn't your fault. I get it."
Jinhwan gives him an incredulous look. "Don't do that-fake smile thing. Stop." He rubs the back of his neck, before visibly slumping. "God, look at you. Look at me. What happened? Is this really what we wanted? Fuck, I just wanted to sing."
"And I liked rapping. But look where that got us." Hanbin sits down on the tiles right next to Jinhwan. He draws his knees to his chest, the side of his thigh pressing against Jinhwan's, and once again marvels with a detached fascination how much bigger he's gotten compared to Jinhwan.
"We should start working on breakfast," Jinhwan suggests.
"Don't change the subject."
"Then you stop being so high-strung,” he chides.
Hanbin falls silent. Somehow, Jinhwan's gentle rebukes are scarier than Bobby's occasional shouting. He's soft about it-like every fucking thing he does-but that in itself is just so terrifying.
“It’s not easy, is it?" Jinhwan looks like he wants to say more, but he turns around and walks out.
This situation is literally bringing out the worst in everyone, and Hanbin punches a cabinet, before recoiling and shaking out his fist. He is not high-strung. He's just got a load of nervous energy that he doesn't know how to deal with, so he puts it into writing songs. Maybe his brain will fry if he writes enough and when he wakes up again, this will all be over.
•
Jinhwan looks, for all intents and purposes, normal. He goes about their shared practice for the day, and he's back to his normal, faintly smiling, self. Hanbin hates it.
It's 5:00AM, and Jinhwan had just crawled into bed an hour ago. He still smells like fresh, outside air, except for an edge of powdery perfume.
He knows Jinhwan is still awake, so he just speaks up. "Please don't tell me you're fucking some chick."
There's a pause, where Hanbin almost thinks Jinhwan is actually asleep, before he replies. "What's it to you?"
"Jinhwan-" he starts. Jinhwan climbs down unsteadily and sits cross-legged at the foot of his bed. His cheeks are rosy and-"shit, are you drunk?"
"As a matter of fact, I am and I did." He laughs loosely, still slightly inebriated. "She's shorter than me-imagine-this idol girl."
"The fuck were you-"
Jinhwan crawls up over him, and it's suddenly incredibly stuffy in this room. "Jealous?"
He sputters. "What? In what world."
Jinhwan leans in close and Hanbin's heart almost beats out of his chest. Jinhwan's lips are just centimeters away from brushing his ears when he whispers. "Don't think I haven't seen the way you look at me. It's cute. Cute little Hanbin. We could have fun." He runs a finger along the line of Hanbin's jaw clumsily.
Hanbin pushes Jinhwan off of himself. He can't think straight through Jinhwan's burning touch, through this panic. "Take a cold shower, hyung. You're not yourself." Jinhwan's the oldest and if he can't be responsible, there's no way any of them can do any better. He takes a deep breath, while jiggering his leg. "You're the oldest, you need to-"
"Set an example?" Jinhwan spits. "I already fucking know. Haven't forgotten it for a second."
"I didn't-" Hanbin's reaching for him, but Jinhwan's already ducked out of the room.
•
His mornings are just long periods of nauseousness now. Back to practicing, back to the uncertain future, back to the silent treatment he's been giving a very confused Jinhwan. Because of course Jinhwan doesn’t remember a damn thing.
It's six o'clock, and his pillow feels thin under his head. Hanbin's developed a whole assorted box set of problems, like how he can't stop looking at Jinhwan, or this particular one where he can't seem to sleep at all anymore. It's like his body won't listen to him, some bass line always reverberating in his ears. Back to the damn grind.
•
Another show. Another bunch of fresh-faced kids. Hanbin just doesn't think he can do this anymore, but now he realizes he can't just stop either. There's nothing else he knows to do, for heaven's sake. There's no way he can leave. Not when Jinhwan is here. Not when he still feels like there's something he needs to prove.
But for now, he just sets aside his tangled mess of feelings, because he's got to work for his newly expanded team right now. He's made it for sure, and so has Jinhwan and Bobby, but he's overwhelmed with guilt as he thinks about the other three still struggling for their place. They deserve it as much as rest of them, but they're still living under this pressure while Hanbin is home free, in a sense. Hanbin feels like shit.
He hates that other show too. Hanbin's drowning, spiraling down, forgetting all his damn lines and just pulling a blank, and not only during vital performances. Sometimes, Hanbin just lies on his side on top of his comforter and just stares listlessly at the wall. His head hurts so much but it's all just white noise, really.
Sometimes, he wonders what Jinhwan is up to. He likes him too much and Hanbin is still trying to figure out how all of this affection just crept up on him. The Jinhwan he sees maybe an hour a day now is the camera Jinhwan, the on-air Jinhwan. Unassuming but just the right amount of edge. Too perfect, and the scariest thing is, he's still recognizable. Hanbin hates it, but he supposes he's going to be seeing a lot more of this from now on, seeing as they're debuting and all. It's a funny thing-he's worked single-mindedly towards this one goal for the past three years, and now that it's finally in his grasp, he doesn't know what to do anymore.
•
It's ridiculously early in the morning when Hanbin wakes up. At least his body clock hasn't let him down. He's momentarily disoriented by the ugly couch he's sprawled on, the pillow he's clutching, the crick in his neck, until he realises that he’d fallen asleep in the studio again.
Shit. His mouth tastes nasty, and the time is three AM when he wakes the desktop screen. It's early enough that he might as well get back to the dorm to sleep.
The trek back is chilly, and Hanbin closes his eyes as he braces himself against the cold wind. When he unlocks the door, stepping into the room as quietly as possible, Hanbin finds himself facing a very much asleep Jinhwan on the sofa.
He must've stayed up, waiting for Hanbin to get back. Hanbin's half exasperated, and half almost pleased.
Moving forward softly, Hanbin sinks down just to look at Jinhwan’s face. Jinhwan looks so peaceful when he's asleep, the tiny indent between his brows relaxed, eyelashes fanning across his cheeks, his mouth slightly parted. It hits him then, how much he likes Jinhwan, likes just being around him. He is, for lack of better words, head over heels. God, he likes him so much
Jinhwan's eyelashes flutter as he blinks awake. "Hi," he says softly.
"Hi," Hanbin responds. "Did you stay up for me?"
"Yeah." Jinhwan's smile is so gorgeous, even half-asleep with his eyes still lidded.
"Well, I'm back. Let's get you into bed." Hanbin is suddenly giddy, and he scoops Jinhwan up. He's as light and small in his arms as Hanbin expected, and Jinhwan lets out a surprised laugh, arms automatically going around Hanbin's neck.
"That's not my room," he says finally, as Hanbin nudges the door open with his foot.
"Nope," Hanbin agrees. He drops Jinhwan onto his own bed. "It's too far, my arms are tired. We can share."
Jinhwan doesn't protest, a kind of sleepy realization and understanding in his eyes. His lips curl as he smiles, amused. He squeezes one of Hanbin's biceps delicately. "Somehow, I doubt that." Bobby's snoring is loud as Hanbin lets out a stifled laugh.
Being near Jinhwan just makes him feel better automatically. Maybe it's going to be alright. The four kids are set, they're all set, and it seems the worst is behind him. The perfect Jinhwan persona is still going to be there whenever they're in front of a camera, but Hanbin can probably deal with it if it means that he gets this Jinhwan all to himself.
Technically it had already been morning earlier, but when Hanbin wakes up a couple of hours later at six, with Jinhwan's clean scent all around him, he knows that this, right now, is the best morning of his life.