beautifully broken
The past couple of nights kirk, josh and matt have been trying to cheer me up and make me forget about brian. I appreciate it so much...the other night matt looked at me and said "kayla when your drunk your much more honest and let me tell you I'm drunk...Whitey's (brian) like a brother to me, but your my sister in christ and one of my best friends, so I don't want you to get offended when I say this but you're an absolutly georgous girl and guys want you, you deserve and can do so much better then him". I looked at him and said "everyone keeps telling me that, and I know that in my head, but getting my head and my heart to believe the same thing is a difficult task". And it's only proving to be more difficult then I ever imagined. I saw him yesterday...just in passing, I watched his head follow me as I walked past (out of the corner of my eye), I didn't know what to think.
I've seen his parents all over the place too. They are such nice people but every time I see them they talk to me and I'm trying so hard to be polite, but in my head I'm screaming "your son broke my heart, can't you just leave me alone atleast for a little while".
But those times that I have been spending with matt, kirk and josh have been great. we've talked about brian but they know when I've had enough and they know when to stop. they also know that it's going to be a while before I'm healed and they have made it perfectly clear that thats ok and they will let me wallow in it for as long as I need. But I also know that if I need a pick me up they'll buy me a tropical sno and act like little kids. Or they'll buy my favorite beer (even though they don't like it) and sit in matt's apartment with me and get drunk (they will I won't...I enjoy watching them get totally plastered to much to get wasted). And I know that they understand that my starting smoking again is because before I didn't quit for the right reasons. I quit for Brian and not for me. So now I'm going to try and quit for me.
I also wanted to thank sam and tee. You guys helped me through the worst of it even if it only was with comments. I know your thoughts were with me and when I looked and got those comments I knew that someone from my past still cared. You two have really helped me, if it weren't for you I really don't think I would have come as far as I have so quickly. so thank you. I only wish you guys lived closer.
I'm not saying I'm done hurting over him. It's going to be an incredibly long time before I can say that. Just sitting here I'm thinking about him and I'm not ready to give up just yet. I don't think I ever will completeley. But I'm putting it in God's hands now. If he wants brian and I to be together, it'll happen...maybe it's just not our time yet. But if we're not meant to be together I know that God has other plans. Someone else for me. But right now thats really hard to accept. All I can say is I'm going to stand still and let God move. And take my time to heal.
I've seen his parents all over the place too. They are such nice people but every time I see them they talk to me and I'm trying so hard to be polite, but in my head I'm screaming "your son broke my heart, can't you just leave me alone atleast for a little while".
But those times that I have been spending with matt, kirk and josh have been great. we've talked about brian but they know when I've had enough and they know when to stop. they also know that it's going to be a while before I'm healed and they have made it perfectly clear that thats ok and they will let me wallow in it for as long as I need. But I also know that if I need a pick me up they'll buy me a tropical sno and act like little kids. Or they'll buy my favorite beer (even though they don't like it) and sit in matt's apartment with me and get drunk (they will I won't...I enjoy watching them get totally plastered to much to get wasted). And I know that they understand that my starting smoking again is because before I didn't quit for the right reasons. I quit for Brian and not for me. So now I'm going to try and quit for me.
I also wanted to thank sam and tee. You guys helped me through the worst of it even if it only was with comments. I know your thoughts were with me and when I looked and got those comments I knew that someone from my past still cared. You two have really helped me, if it weren't for you I really don't think I would have come as far as I have so quickly. so thank you. I only wish you guys lived closer.
I'm not saying I'm done hurting over him. It's going to be an incredibly long time before I can say that. Just sitting here I'm thinking about him and I'm not ready to give up just yet. I don't think I ever will completeley. But I'm putting it in God's hands now. If he wants brian and I to be together, it'll happen...maybe it's just not our time yet. But if we're not meant to be together I know that God has other plans. Someone else for me. But right now thats really hard to accept. All I can say is I'm going to stand still and let God move. And take my time to heal.