outside influences, part 1
One of the things I worry about, being online so much around so many fabulously articulate people, is how much my own feelings and opinions are unduly influenced by other people. This plays out in a bunch of ways and not all are bad, but some are. It’s getting long, so I’ll split it into two entries. (The bit about dogpiles will be in the second part.)
First, there’s a problem that is really my own problem and not anyone else’s. (I’m going to be repeating this several times: I am not meaning to diminish anyone else’s experiences or decisions in any way. This part is only about my own reaction and those are entirely my own problem.) I have is that I really am pretty susceptible to having my brain taken over by what I’ve been talking about. Sometimes this is good; the one mountain-bike race I did owed a lot to my working with a dedicated mountain biker at the time, and I did lots of climbing when I had a boss who was into it. (Also, he did some classes in lead climbing, so it was a direct as well as indirect influence.) Other times, though, it influences me for ill, when I get wrapped up in thinking in ways that are right and true for other people but not for me. For instance, there are a number of people on my reading list who have all kinds of physical and mental illnesses, probably a lot more than I encounter in the flesh (which makes sense; often if you don’t have the ability or energy to get out, you can at least keep your mind active and get some social interaction online). Those are all very real issues (I can’t stress that too many times) and since they’re big influences on people’s lives, of course people talk about them. And since many of those are people I care about, of course I want to know about them. The problem for me comes when I start applying the thoughts that are valid for other people to myself, in cases where they’re not valid. Especially when I’m pushing myself close to limits, which is just what you do routinely as an athlete, it can be a hard line to determine; when do I legitimately not have enough spoons to work out that day and when am I just being lazy or malingering from a minor issue?
It’s a problem for driving as well; there are also a bunch of people I interact with online who don’t, can’t, or won’t drive, for good (and very varied) reasons of their own. They’ve arranged their lives to allow this and (for the ones who won’t rather than can’t) have decided it’s acceptable in their lives, or at least more acceptable than the alternative. The thing is, for me it’s not an acceptable restriction. There are too many things I want and need to do that require driving. I’m pretty sure my own issues with driving were one random panic attack (back in Taiwan), which totally blindsided me, and anxiety due to the fear of others. That means problem is entirely in my head entirely in my head; this doesn’t mean it is in any way imaginary but that it very susceptible to being influenced by what I think and feel and what others say. I’m doing better now, but it took some work. For one thing I figured out that when I get nervous I breathe funny and that hyperventilation was why my head felt funny. But to get there, I also have to convince myself at a gut level that no, while this may be OK for others it is not OK for me; that I am *fine* and completely able to drive and do whatever I need to get wherever I need to go. (This is still in work; I don’t have much need to do highway driving these days.)
I need a bit of a firewall around my brain, really.
Mirrored from Dichroic Reflections.