Be happy. This doesn't happen a lot.
Once, there was a boy by the name of Than. He thinks he was called Than because too many people used John. He was wrong, but that's okay. He was a quiet boy.
Than was a very strange boy. He was smart and responsible beyond his years, and never did anything wrong. He was always the best in his class at school, and, while he didn't have any friends, nobody disliked him either. He liked reading, a lot, and everybody told him he was good at writing, he didn't believe it, because his penmanship was too sloppy. He was quiet, always.
Than's parents were very strange, too. His mother was silly, and while she was funny, she was almost never happy, and sometimes forgot Than was there, and would go out and work and shop and play games and eat dinner with her mother, leaving Than AAALLLLLL alone. But she loved Than (when she was there). His father was mean, and a little crazy. He would drink a lot, and then he would get home smelling really bad, and he would yell at Than and his mother. Sometimes, he would leave for days and weeks at a time, and once, he didn't even come home for Christmas! And he ALWAYS thought he was sick, and he spent a lot of time at the hospital, and when the doctors told him he was okay, he'd go and drink himself sick again. But he was there sometimes, and he fed Than, and took Than fishing a couple times, and he loved Than (whenever he wasn't smelling really bad).
One time, when Than was 7 or 8 (it's hard to tell- when you're as quiet as Than, most days all look the same), his father was smelling really bad, and his mother was gone. So Than's father asked Than, "Hey, boy, you want to go for a ride with your papa?" and Than, being a stupid little boy, said Yeah, papa. I would like to go for a ride very much.
So Than and his father got into their 1981 Ford Bronco with manual transmission and rear window defrosters and 220-watt halogen headlights and 15-inch Firestone Hydro-tread tires and went for a ride to someplace. Than didn't know where. Maybe his father didn't either. It didn't matter, really.
Because, as they were driving down the road, Than's father got sick AAALLLLLL over the inside of the car! Oh, no! And then, he went to sleep for a while. This was BAD, because naps are okay at home, cuddled up in bed, but not while going 80 miles per hour down the freeway! But quiet little Than did all he could, and he grabbed the steering wheel, and he grabbed the stick shift, and he TRIED, oh, how he tried, to get the car to stop and go off the road. But he didn't. He went the wrong way, first, and hit a new-looking black 1990 sedan, and then he went off the road and into a sign that told him that there was food at the next exit. This stopped the car, but it woke up Than's father, and he got very mad at Than, and told him it was all his fault, which it had to have been, since Than was so quiet. Than's father even told Than's mother it was little Than's fault! But most of all, Than was scared fucking shitless, because he just about died when his asshole father passed out behind the goddamn wheel!
Now, Than is nearly 21. He still has nightmares about the first time he drove, and he doesn't particularly enjoy driving much when he's awake. He hates his father now, too, and drunk people, but he doesn't see much of either, so that's fine. He has a job, and works more some days than his father has worked since the day Than was born. Than has become bitter and cynical and is frightened by just about everything. Than has his own car. It is an automatic.
The moral of this story is, if you decide to bitch about my driving, then you get to fucking walk.
Than was a very strange boy. He was smart and responsible beyond his years, and never did anything wrong. He was always the best in his class at school, and, while he didn't have any friends, nobody disliked him either. He liked reading, a lot, and everybody told him he was good at writing, he didn't believe it, because his penmanship was too sloppy. He was quiet, always.
Than's parents were very strange, too. His mother was silly, and while she was funny, she was almost never happy, and sometimes forgot Than was there, and would go out and work and shop and play games and eat dinner with her mother, leaving Than AAALLLLLL alone. But she loved Than (when she was there). His father was mean, and a little crazy. He would drink a lot, and then he would get home smelling really bad, and he would yell at Than and his mother. Sometimes, he would leave for days and weeks at a time, and once, he didn't even come home for Christmas! And he ALWAYS thought he was sick, and he spent a lot of time at the hospital, and when the doctors told him he was okay, he'd go and drink himself sick again. But he was there sometimes, and he fed Than, and took Than fishing a couple times, and he loved Than (whenever he wasn't smelling really bad).
One time, when Than was 7 or 8 (it's hard to tell- when you're as quiet as Than, most days all look the same), his father was smelling really bad, and his mother was gone. So Than's father asked Than, "Hey, boy, you want to go for a ride with your papa?" and Than, being a stupid little boy, said Yeah, papa. I would like to go for a ride very much.
So Than and his father got into their 1981 Ford Bronco with manual transmission and rear window defrosters and 220-watt halogen headlights and 15-inch Firestone Hydro-tread tires and went for a ride to someplace. Than didn't know where. Maybe his father didn't either. It didn't matter, really.
Because, as they were driving down the road, Than's father got sick AAALLLLLL over the inside of the car! Oh, no! And then, he went to sleep for a while. This was BAD, because naps are okay at home, cuddled up in bed, but not while going 80 miles per hour down the freeway! But quiet little Than did all he could, and he grabbed the steering wheel, and he grabbed the stick shift, and he TRIED, oh, how he tried, to get the car to stop and go off the road. But he didn't. He went the wrong way, first, and hit a new-looking black 1990 sedan, and then he went off the road and into a sign that told him that there was food at the next exit. This stopped the car, but it woke up Than's father, and he got very mad at Than, and told him it was all his fault, which it had to have been, since Than was so quiet. Than's father even told Than's mother it was little Than's fault! But most of all, Than was scared fucking shitless, because he just about died when his asshole father passed out behind the goddamn wheel!
Now, Than is nearly 21. He still has nightmares about the first time he drove, and he doesn't particularly enjoy driving much when he's awake. He hates his father now, too, and drunk people, but he doesn't see much of either, so that's fine. He has a job, and works more some days than his father has worked since the day Than was born. Than has become bitter and cynical and is frightened by just about everything. Than has his own car. It is an automatic.
The moral of this story is, if you decide to bitch about my driving, then you get to fucking walk.