"I am exactly where I need to be/I need to be exactly where I am"
There is rhythm to life with a baby.
I live in 2 hour cycles. She's hungry, so we nurse for 40 minutes. Then she's awake and alert and we explore for 30 minutes. We look at the light through the trees, the 40 watt bulb in the lamp, the crinkling sound of tape. She's tired and we rock and pat until she falls asleep. When she wakes, she's hungry. Then we repeat.
I found myself doing my makeup this morning (during the time she sleeps...it's the only me time I get) and I realized that even t hen, alone, I was caught up in the rhythm. I was rocking as I applied my makeup. When I realized, I stopped. But it got me thinking about how my life is split into bite sized pieces right now. Most of the time I love just being with her. But there are times I find myself fantasizing about showering. Or brushing my teeth. To be honest, most often I fantasize about taking a bath...to soak my sore nipples and my leg muscles that continue to scream at me for all the walking I'm doing. The exciting thing is that I'm ten pounds lighter today than I was when I got pregnant. The drag is that my muscles are pissed about it.
She, at 6 weeks old, has a dreadful cold. She's miserable most of the time. I'd gotten spoiled by a baby who only cried when she was hungry, wet, or gassy. But this. This is too much for my soft heart. She's really hungry, but struggling to nurse because she can't breathe through her stopped up nose. She screams because she's hungry. That gets the mucus flowing and it's all downhill from there. She's coughing every third breath. Her throat is really raw. When she does manage to eat a little bit, she ends up throwing it all up because she can't manage the coughing and the mucus. I'm pissed at the world, and namely those ignorant parents who brought their sick kids to my house where a one month old lives. She has real, live tears now. So there's no longer just the cry of "w
No one tells you how, in the middle of the night, when your daughter is screaming and inconsolable, how your heart is in a vice and how each cry squeezes it tighter and tighter until, when she's wailing and red with fury, it shatters into splinters.
No one tell you how much it hurts to know that the mere smell of you is not enough to calm her, soothe her.
No one tells you that you will sit in the dark and cry while you hold your baby and wish you could make her feel better.
No one tells you how your heart will soar when morning comes and the light is up and, as with all illness, the pain from the night wanes a bit.
No one tells you that even in the thick of the hardest nights, you find yourself in the rhythm, rocking.
I wish my daughter felt better.
I hope it goes away soon.
---------
I did something amazing assholish, and I feel totally fine about it.
That should concern me.
But it doesn't.
---------
March brings in the birds. I know spring is coming because they've started singing to me in the mornings. I can't wait to spend more time outdoors. I put LJ on a blanket this afternoon while she slept and I raked and pruned one of the gardens. I wish I could have spent 4 more hours at it, but there's a rhythm to my life now....and some of the best laid plans...well. Bug and I have gotten pretty good at doling out taking turns. We each have our own personal goals for the day, so we split up the time when LJ is awake/miserable to give us each a portion of time to achieve our goals. Bug is currently making LJ some booties. LJ is currently sleeping on my chest, upright, to help with the mucus draining. Later, I'll pay the bills when Bug takes her turn.
--------
One of the cutest things I've ever heard is my mother leaving a message on my voicemail for her granddaughter. She insists I hold the phone up to LJ's ear so that she remembers the sound of her Granny's voice. It's ridiculously adorable, and I love how in love my mother is.
--------
I had an appointment with our accountant today. For the first time in years I had to go in and say "File for an extension on the taxes. There's no way in hell I'm going to be ready." I thought I could pull it off this week. I was so amazingly wrong.
--------
Why are the nipples on bottles so freaking LONG? My nipples don't look like that. Why would that be the thing we would choose to substitute for our bodies, when clearly, it's nothing like MY body? I need shallow nipples for my bottles, yo.
---------
"look at me look at me closely
tell me exactly what you see
if you are paying attention you will now begin ascension of the mind
why, because if you look at me just right you will see a kiss..."
~"Exactly," Amy Stienberg
I live in 2 hour cycles. She's hungry, so we nurse for 40 minutes. Then she's awake and alert and we explore for 30 minutes. We look at the light through the trees, the 40 watt bulb in the lamp, the crinkling sound of tape. She's tired and we rock and pat until she falls asleep. When she wakes, she's hungry. Then we repeat.
I found myself doing my makeup this morning (during the time she sleeps...it's the only me time I get) and I realized that even t hen, alone, I was caught up in the rhythm. I was rocking as I applied my makeup. When I realized, I stopped. But it got me thinking about how my life is split into bite sized pieces right now. Most of the time I love just being with her. But there are times I find myself fantasizing about showering. Or brushing my teeth. To be honest, most often I fantasize about taking a bath...to soak my sore nipples and my leg muscles that continue to scream at me for all the walking I'm doing. The exciting thing is that I'm ten pounds lighter today than I was when I got pregnant. The drag is that my muscles are pissed about it.
She, at 6 weeks old, has a dreadful cold. She's miserable most of the time. I'd gotten spoiled by a baby who only cried when she was hungry, wet, or gassy. But this. This is too much for my soft heart. She's really hungry, but struggling to nurse because she can't breathe through her stopped up nose. She screams because she's hungry. That gets the mucus flowing and it's all downhill from there. She's coughing every third breath. Her throat is really raw. When she does manage to eat a little bit, she ends up throwing it all up because she can't manage the coughing and the mucus. I'm pissed at the world, and namely those ignorant parents who brought their sick kids to my house where a one month old lives. She has real, live tears now. So there's no longer just the cry of "w
No one tells you how, in the middle of the night, when your daughter is screaming and inconsolable, how your heart is in a vice and how each cry squeezes it tighter and tighter until, when she's wailing and red with fury, it shatters into splinters.
No one tell you how much it hurts to know that the mere smell of you is not enough to calm her, soothe her.
No one tells you that you will sit in the dark and cry while you hold your baby and wish you could make her feel better.
No one tells you how your heart will soar when morning comes and the light is up and, as with all illness, the pain from the night wanes a bit.
No one tells you that even in the thick of the hardest nights, you find yourself in the rhythm, rocking.
I wish my daughter felt better.
I hope it goes away soon.
---------
I did something amazing assholish, and I feel totally fine about it.
That should concern me.
But it doesn't.
---------
March brings in the birds. I know spring is coming because they've started singing to me in the mornings. I can't wait to spend more time outdoors. I put LJ on a blanket this afternoon while she slept and I raked and pruned one of the gardens. I wish I could have spent 4 more hours at it, but there's a rhythm to my life now....and some of the best laid plans...well. Bug and I have gotten pretty good at doling out taking turns. We each have our own personal goals for the day, so we split up the time when LJ is awake/miserable to give us each a portion of time to achieve our goals. Bug is currently making LJ some booties. LJ is currently sleeping on my chest, upright, to help with the mucus draining. Later, I'll pay the bills when Bug takes her turn.
--------
One of the cutest things I've ever heard is my mother leaving a message on my voicemail for her granddaughter. She insists I hold the phone up to LJ's ear so that she remembers the sound of her Granny's voice. It's ridiculously adorable, and I love how in love my mother is.
--------
I had an appointment with our accountant today. For the first time in years I had to go in and say "File for an extension on the taxes. There's no way in hell I'm going to be ready." I thought I could pull it off this week. I was so amazingly wrong.
--------
Why are the nipples on bottles so freaking LONG? My nipples don't look like that. Why would that be the thing we would choose to substitute for our bodies, when clearly, it's nothing like MY body? I need shallow nipples for my bottles, yo.
---------
"look at me look at me closely
tell me exactly what you see
if you are paying attention you will now begin ascension of the mind
why, because if you look at me just right you will see a kiss..."
~"Exactly," Amy Stienberg