(no subject)
The hours between midnight and early dawn are my favorite hours. I am alone, it is quiet, and it is the time when I cleanse myself. I revel in it. I think all I need to make it an ultimate experience is a BIIIIIIIIIIIG bed, a BIIIIIIIIIIIG tub, moisturizing body oils, candles, soaps, exfolating sea salts, a natural sea sponge, fluffy pillows, and a luxuriously soft and fluffy comforter. The ULTIMATE, ULTIMATE, ULTIMATE experience, though, would be all that plus a balcony on which night-blooming jasmine grew. But I am happily content with the time alone I have with the shower I have with the soaps I have. It's just so nice to dream.
I used to have problems with daydreaming. Up until high school, teachers would always complain to my parents that they'd catch me staring off into space. They'd say that it would take them several tries to snap me out of my stupor--I always thought they were full of shit, though. I don't ever remember daydreaming. I don't ever remember being shocked out of a stupor, either, something I think I'd remember.
I do remember needing to have my attention called while I read books as a kid. I remember people needing to go through great lengths to interrupt my reading. One time, it took my entire 6th grade class including the teacher to disrupt my attention from a book I was reading in class. Ever since around the time my dad tore up all my books, though, I've had a difficult time focusing. Was it caused by the book-tearing? I have no idea. But I have a feeling, since then--though I've always scored above-average when it came to reading comprehension--my reading comprehension ability has greatly decreased.
I also remember constantly having this feeling of euphoria as a child. I don't know if it was a feeling or a temporary state of mind (is a feeling a temporary state of mind?), but I got them until I was about... 14, I'd say. I'd usually get them driving home after spending a day with either my mother or father. This feeling is associated with a blur of the night sky, the dark blue interior of my mother's old car, the lights of the commercial district of my hometown. It was this awesome feeling, this feeling of... it's hard to put it into words. I felt like I was overflowing with love and happiness and gratitude and sorrow (?) and awe of God. I felt good, and although the sorrow and happiness conflict, I did not feel conflicted. Oh, I felt whole--that is what I mean to say. I felt like I had everything I could possibly want and did not want more. I felt like I could have gave everything I had to charity and still would feel as great as I did at that moment.
I remember smiling for no reason when I was a child, too. This stopped sooner than my euphoric feeling, though they were often paired together. Whenever my family took our weekly outings on the weekend, driving to our destination, I'd feel overwhelmingly happy and I'd smile. I would have never noticed it, I don't think, had my mom not mentioned it.
"Gosh, stop smiling. You have no reason to smile right now. You look like a crazy person."
"What? ::totally caught unawares:: I'm smiling? ::asks, despite knowing this is true because I felt my smiling muscles relax::"
"Yeah, it's weird. Stop."
"You're weird!"
::giggles ensued::
I remember mulling it over and wondering whether it was weird or not. I tried to think of reasons why I had been smiling, only to come to the conclusion that my mom was right--I had been smiling for no reason. I think I decided that smiling without a reason wasn't weird, but then quickly changed my conclusion to that I, indeed, had a reason for smiling, and it was because I was happy. Why was I happy? It took a bit more to figure that out, but I'm pretty sure I decided that it was because I was alive and well and had a family to drive out somewhere to enjoy each others' company.
I used to wonder why people took personality tests. I never saw a purpose for them, really. You test yourself, get the result, then read about yourself. Usually, it's you confirming the results. I mean, if a person already knows about themselves, why would said person need a test to confirm things? Well, of course, I was being dumb. Personality tests are around for more reasons than I the patience to enumerate, but one thing I've realized is that they are around to help identify possible problems and attributes that are not necessarily problems we have but are too blind to see in ourselves. An example of this being pertinent to myself is this:
ENFPs strive toward the authentic, even when acting spontaneously, and this is usually communicated nonverbally to others, who find this characteristic attractive. ENFPs, however, find their own efforts of authenticity and spontaneity always lacking, and tend to heap coals of fire on themselves, always berating themselves for being so conscious of self. --Taken from Here.
The first time I read this, I had been struggling with authenticity. I was and am a natural person, but for some reason, found it hard time being reactionary. It was around the time when I was sorta unfettering myself of convention so as to figure out what I was made of, what I believed, blah blah blah, but it was a horrible idea (still havn't recovered). During this, I realized I lacked reactions. The only things that came naturally was feeling physical pain and being amused. Everything else, I had to sit and think really hard about how to react. I thought this was really, really weird, I guess, because I tried really hard to do something about it. For the longest time, I'd have to think about how the average person would feel about something and then make myself feel that way. One time, THE MAN was passively unfaithful. I knew that tons of people would have freaked out about what had happened, and even THE MAN thought so. He was very frantic, upset, and worried as he confessed. I felt sort of anxious when he told me he had something to tell me and that I'd be upset, but after he told me, I didn't know how to feel. It wasn't that type of oh-I'm-so-hurt-I-am-numb type of thing, either. I just didn't know how to react. I wasn't really sad or angry about it, and I thought that was weird. But I remember THE MAN insisting that I was angry, even though I clearly remember not really minding at all. Reader, you may be thinking, if you are reading this objectively, that I was just in denial. But this is not so. I tried to figure out why I wasn't angry and I concluded that it was because what had happened really wasn't bad, THE MAN was beating himself up more than I could ever, and also because I knew THE MAN was remorseful and really had no active desire to have seen what he saw. But THE MAN was so insistant on my anger, so I remember analyzing the situation, much like I've done with literature, to find something with which to make myself angry. I couldn't do it. At most, I made myself feel disappointed, but even then, it wasn't even really heartfelt.
Lately, though, my concern with authenticity has not been a big issue. It has not been a big issue for a loooooooooong time. Which made me come to think that I, like all living, dynamic things, have changed. So I retook the Myer-Briggs test three times with three different tests. All three times, I showed up as something different. I tested in the following order: ESTJ, ESTP, ESFJ.
I also took another intersting test which guages how one really is against how one wants to be. Here are the results for that:
Jung Ideal vs. Real Test Introversion |||||||||||| 46% |||||||||| 36% Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 76% |||||||||||||||||| 76% Intuitive |||||||||||||| 60% |||||||||| 36% Sensing |||||||||||||| 56% |||||||||| 33% Feeling |||||| 26% |||||||||||| 50% Thinking |||||||||||||||| 70% |||||| 26% Judging |||||||||||||||||| 76% |||||||||||| 46% Perceiving |||||||||||| 43% |||||||||||||| 56%
ideal you |||||| real you |||||| ideal type - ENTJ, real type - ENFP
Take Free Jung Ideal vs. Real Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
I'm almost split down the middle with a lot of things. It's sort of... disappointing, but I don't think disappointing is th word for it. It's just that I was just so perfectly ENFP for the longest time, it feels odd to be something else. But after much reading and thinking, I believe I'm cross between the following: ESTP, ENFP, ESTJ. I am no longer a clearly cut ENFP. I am an EXXX. More on this later, perhaps if I care to think about it more.
A new subject:
I hate being obligated to do things, and I hate it when people feel obligated towards me. But, this view seems to change quite a bit. Or, maybe it doesn't change, but I know it is a dumb thing to think. Obligations are necessary, because it's not like we're always feeling up to something that we would otherwise wholeheartedly do. Also, sometimes, it is necessary to do things to achieve something quite pleasureable and fulfilling later on. So it is quite worthwhile to fulfill obligations. But despite knowing this, I still have my issues. I guess this is why I am a feeler.
I have always had issues with people helping me. I hate asking for help. I'd so much rather figure out or do things myself. I will ask for help, though, but it will be on when I'm just barely hanging on to sanity. Not many people know this, and it has been the cause of lots of strife on my part and inconvenience and confusion on their part. People don't know that when I make them aware of my feelings, hunger, or basically anything that I see as something I need that would be an inconvenience to another human being, I am basically in dire need of whatever I'm asking for. I think most people don't realize this because I'm very good at masking how I feel. I mask how I really feel about things because I fear offending people or making them unhappy. I really don't know why I care about other people's happiness especially when it is a burden on my part. I really wish I didn't do it. It's annoying and makes my life harder than it really should be. Or if this is a characterstic I simply could not do without, I wish I could pick and choose or do it less. But yes, this is a somewhat new discovery about myself. Oh, if only I didn't fear being a burden by needing food, water, to pee, to rest, or to blahblahblah, I would have saved a lot of pain on my and a lot of other people's part--I think. Why the 'I think?' I have no idea. But right now, I am recalling the few times I've actually insisted on things for my sake and being told to wait. How fucking annoying. It's so annoying. I try to avoid asking for stuff because I hate being a burden, and the few times I actually need something whether it be food or to relieve my bladder, I'm told to wait. But it would be stupid of me to demand that people understand that I only ask when I'm in absolute need. This is also probably why I am super annoyed with people who don't seem to be as conscious about being a burden. Intersting.
Despite my being extroverted, I am a homebody. Home is a big deal to me. I need to have a home, that is a comfortable, clean solace that I can call completely mine. Cleanliness is a big deal for me. I don't know what else to say about that. I've said all I could say. Home is a big deal to me. Cleanliness is a big deal to me. Right now, I do not have either.
I have this hang up. I've been trying to figure out where I got this hang up. My hang up is with my possessions. It's not that I have to have a lot of possession, but the little I do possess, I have a hard time lending. In fact, save some formal dresses I had to beat myself into lending and still worry about everyday, I haven't ever lent anything out. I like to take care of my things. I'm so afraid of other people's consideration or rather their lack of consideration that I seldom, almost never, lend things to others. This hang up with possessions bothers me. Or it actually doesn't bother me, but I feel like it should.
You know what? I just sat here and thought about it, and I just realized I didn't always have this hang up with possessions. It's only after I moved out of my parents' house did I have this problem. I have probably figured out where it sprouted. Since I feel I don't have a home, I've clung onto the few things that belong to me since I cannot say any dwelling place belongs to me.
I am super annoyed when people are annoyed with me about not wanting to change something particular or when people try to make me do things through indirect means. Indirect means? I mean when they think they are trying to be subtle about things. I can see through subtlety, and, to me, it is someone's effort to bamboozle me. Bamboozle. Heh.
This post had absolutely no purpose.
I used to have problems with daydreaming. Up until high school, teachers would always complain to my parents that they'd catch me staring off into space. They'd say that it would take them several tries to snap me out of my stupor--I always thought they were full of shit, though. I don't ever remember daydreaming. I don't ever remember being shocked out of a stupor, either, something I think I'd remember.
I do remember needing to have my attention called while I read books as a kid. I remember people needing to go through great lengths to interrupt my reading. One time, it took my entire 6th grade class including the teacher to disrupt my attention from a book I was reading in class. Ever since around the time my dad tore up all my books, though, I've had a difficult time focusing. Was it caused by the book-tearing? I have no idea. But I have a feeling, since then--though I've always scored above-average when it came to reading comprehension--my reading comprehension ability has greatly decreased.
I also remember constantly having this feeling of euphoria as a child. I don't know if it was a feeling or a temporary state of mind (is a feeling a temporary state of mind?), but I got them until I was about... 14, I'd say. I'd usually get them driving home after spending a day with either my mother or father. This feeling is associated with a blur of the night sky, the dark blue interior of my mother's old car, the lights of the commercial district of my hometown. It was this awesome feeling, this feeling of... it's hard to put it into words. I felt like I was overflowing with love and happiness and gratitude and sorrow (?) and awe of God. I felt good, and although the sorrow and happiness conflict, I did not feel conflicted. Oh, I felt whole--that is what I mean to say. I felt like I had everything I could possibly want and did not want more. I felt like I could have gave everything I had to charity and still would feel as great as I did at that moment.
I remember smiling for no reason when I was a child, too. This stopped sooner than my euphoric feeling, though they were often paired together. Whenever my family took our weekly outings on the weekend, driving to our destination, I'd feel overwhelmingly happy and I'd smile. I would have never noticed it, I don't think, had my mom not mentioned it.
"Gosh, stop smiling. You have no reason to smile right now. You look like a crazy person."
"What? ::totally caught unawares:: I'm smiling? ::asks, despite knowing this is true because I felt my smiling muscles relax::"
"Yeah, it's weird. Stop."
"You're weird!"
::giggles ensued::
I remember mulling it over and wondering whether it was weird or not. I tried to think of reasons why I had been smiling, only to come to the conclusion that my mom was right--I had been smiling for no reason. I think I decided that smiling without a reason wasn't weird, but then quickly changed my conclusion to that I, indeed, had a reason for smiling, and it was because I was happy. Why was I happy? It took a bit more to figure that out, but I'm pretty sure I decided that it was because I was alive and well and had a family to drive out somewhere to enjoy each others' company.
I used to wonder why people took personality tests. I never saw a purpose for them, really. You test yourself, get the result, then read about yourself. Usually, it's you confirming the results. I mean, if a person already knows about themselves, why would said person need a test to confirm things? Well, of course, I was being dumb. Personality tests are around for more reasons than I the patience to enumerate, but one thing I've realized is that they are around to help identify possible problems and attributes that are not necessarily problems we have but are too blind to see in ourselves. An example of this being pertinent to myself is this:
ENFPs strive toward the authentic, even when acting spontaneously, and this is usually communicated nonverbally to others, who find this characteristic attractive. ENFPs, however, find their own efforts of authenticity and spontaneity always lacking, and tend to heap coals of fire on themselves, always berating themselves for being so conscious of self. --Taken from Here.
The first time I read this, I had been struggling with authenticity. I was and am a natural person, but for some reason, found it hard time being reactionary. It was around the time when I was sorta unfettering myself of convention so as to figure out what I was made of, what I believed, blah blah blah, but it was a horrible idea (still havn't recovered). During this, I realized I lacked reactions. The only things that came naturally was feeling physical pain and being amused. Everything else, I had to sit and think really hard about how to react. I thought this was really, really weird, I guess, because I tried really hard to do something about it. For the longest time, I'd have to think about how the average person would feel about something and then make myself feel that way. One time, THE MAN was passively unfaithful. I knew that tons of people would have freaked out about what had happened, and even THE MAN thought so. He was very frantic, upset, and worried as he confessed. I felt sort of anxious when he told me he had something to tell me and that I'd be upset, but after he told me, I didn't know how to feel. It wasn't that type of oh-I'm-so-hurt-I-am-numb type of thing, either. I just didn't know how to react. I wasn't really sad or angry about it, and I thought that was weird. But I remember THE MAN insisting that I was angry, even though I clearly remember not really minding at all. Reader, you may be thinking, if you are reading this objectively, that I was just in denial. But this is not so. I tried to figure out why I wasn't angry and I concluded that it was because what had happened really wasn't bad, THE MAN was beating himself up more than I could ever, and also because I knew THE MAN was remorseful and really had no active desire to have seen what he saw. But THE MAN was so insistant on my anger, so I remember analyzing the situation, much like I've done with literature, to find something with which to make myself angry. I couldn't do it. At most, I made myself feel disappointed, but even then, it wasn't even really heartfelt.
Lately, though, my concern with authenticity has not been a big issue. It has not been a big issue for a loooooooooong time. Which made me come to think that I, like all living, dynamic things, have changed. So I retook the Myer-Briggs test three times with three different tests. All three times, I showed up as something different. I tested in the following order: ESTJ, ESTP, ESFJ.
I also took another intersting test which guages how one really is against how one wants to be. Here are the results for that:
Jung Ideal vs. Real Test Introversion |||||||||||| 46% |||||||||| 36% Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 76% |||||||||||||||||| 76% Intuitive |||||||||||||| 60% |||||||||| 36% Sensing |||||||||||||| 56% |||||||||| 33% Feeling |||||| 26% |||||||||||| 50% Thinking |||||||||||||||| 70% |||||| 26% Judging |||||||||||||||||| 76% |||||||||||| 46% Perceiving |||||||||||| 43% |||||||||||||| 56%
ideal you |||||| real you |||||| ideal type - ENTJ, real type - ENFP
Take Free Jung Ideal vs. Real Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
I'm almost split down the middle with a lot of things. It's sort of... disappointing, but I don't think disappointing is th word for it. It's just that I was just so perfectly ENFP for the longest time, it feels odd to be something else. But after much reading and thinking, I believe I'm cross between the following: ESTP, ENFP, ESTJ. I am no longer a clearly cut ENFP. I am an EXXX. More on this later, perhaps if I care to think about it more.
A new subject:
I hate being obligated to do things, and I hate it when people feel obligated towards me. But, this view seems to change quite a bit. Or, maybe it doesn't change, but I know it is a dumb thing to think. Obligations are necessary, because it's not like we're always feeling up to something that we would otherwise wholeheartedly do. Also, sometimes, it is necessary to do things to achieve something quite pleasureable and fulfilling later on. So it is quite worthwhile to fulfill obligations. But despite knowing this, I still have my issues. I guess this is why I am a feeler.
I have always had issues with people helping me. I hate asking for help. I'd so much rather figure out or do things myself. I will ask for help, though, but it will be on when I'm just barely hanging on to sanity. Not many people know this, and it has been the cause of lots of strife on my part and inconvenience and confusion on their part. People don't know that when I make them aware of my feelings, hunger, or basically anything that I see as something I need that would be an inconvenience to another human being, I am basically in dire need of whatever I'm asking for. I think most people don't realize this because I'm very good at masking how I feel. I mask how I really feel about things because I fear offending people or making them unhappy. I really don't know why I care about other people's happiness especially when it is a burden on my part. I really wish I didn't do it. It's annoying and makes my life harder than it really should be. Or if this is a characterstic I simply could not do without, I wish I could pick and choose or do it less. But yes, this is a somewhat new discovery about myself. Oh, if only I didn't fear being a burden by needing food, water, to pee, to rest, or to blahblahblah, I would have saved a lot of pain on my and a lot of other people's part--I think. Why the 'I think?' I have no idea. But right now, I am recalling the few times I've actually insisted on things for my sake and being told to wait. How fucking annoying. It's so annoying. I try to avoid asking for stuff because I hate being a burden, and the few times I actually need something whether it be food or to relieve my bladder, I'm told to wait. But it would be stupid of me to demand that people understand that I only ask when I'm in absolute need. This is also probably why I am super annoyed with people who don't seem to be as conscious about being a burden. Intersting.
Despite my being extroverted, I am a homebody. Home is a big deal to me. I need to have a home, that is a comfortable, clean solace that I can call completely mine. Cleanliness is a big deal for me. I don't know what else to say about that. I've said all I could say. Home is a big deal to me. Cleanliness is a big deal to me. Right now, I do not have either.
I have this hang up. I've been trying to figure out where I got this hang up. My hang up is with my possessions. It's not that I have to have a lot of possession, but the little I do possess, I have a hard time lending. In fact, save some formal dresses I had to beat myself into lending and still worry about everyday, I haven't ever lent anything out. I like to take care of my things. I'm so afraid of other people's consideration or rather their lack of consideration that I seldom, almost never, lend things to others. This hang up with possessions bothers me. Or it actually doesn't bother me, but I feel like it should.
You know what? I just sat here and thought about it, and I just realized I didn't always have this hang up with possessions. It's only after I moved out of my parents' house did I have this problem. I have probably figured out where it sprouted. Since I feel I don't have a home, I've clung onto the few things that belong to me since I cannot say any dwelling place belongs to me.
I am super annoyed when people are annoyed with me about not wanting to change something particular or when people try to make me do things through indirect means. Indirect means? I mean when they think they are trying to be subtle about things. I can see through subtlety, and, to me, it is someone's effort to bamboozle me. Bamboozle. Heh.
This post had absolutely no purpose.