begetting stupid
*BACKDATES* |D this was je_holiday 2009~♥
Title: Begetting Stupid.
Pairing/Group: Yara/Yamamoto [various cameos from MA, Butoukan, THEY]
Rating: PG? Actually, it's probably G. :D 3800w.
Warnings: None bar Yonehana Tsuyoshi's face. ♥
Notes: I've disliked everything I've written for the past few months, so I really hope this turns out okay for you, pot_and_kettle. Happy Holidays!
Summary: MAde Corporation: close-knit (very), hard-working (really), and maybe also more than a couple o' paperclips short of sane.
Think ninja thoughts, Yamamoto told himself. Hiding in broom closets was okay; being caught was not. He peered through the small gap where the door was ajar and waited, biding his time with the patience of a grand yoga master on speed.
His target was one Yara Tomoyuki, Section Head of the Tokyo division of MAde Corp (and therefore Yamamoto's immediate superior).
It was the bosses and co-workers that made MAde Corp such a good place to work. Time-honoured tradition was to treat one another more like brothers than workmates within the company. They were all good friends, and sometimes a little more. Each employee was hand-picked, and so…
Yamamoto held his breath, hearing faint footsteps approaching from the hall.
"-breakfast at dawn," Yara was saying. A door swung shut. "And then Disneyland on the way back. There's no better way to end a roadtrip known to mankind!"
Yamamoto's heart thudded. Disneyland? Yara hadn't been in the office at all the week before, on leave. Nobody in Yamamoto's workgroup, or even the office at large, had been able to pry out of him where he'd be going-and he had to have been going somewhere because Yara wasn't the type to stay at home for very long at all.
"A road trip with you and two other fully grown men," said a second person with an audible grin. "Your standards are questionable."
The speaker's voice was almost as familiar to Yamamoto as Yara's own, and Yamamoto sighed a little inside. Yonehana Tsuyoshi hadn't been in the office either-or cleaning it-while Yara had been gone. The janitor had asked for time off as well (or possibly just taken it. There were rumours, crazy rumours, that Yonehana was actually MAde Corps' private assassin, and only moonlighted as a janitor during the day, which were in part due to the fact that he wore suits as tailored as the rest of the office workers-clearly not standard janitor behaviour. But nothing had ever been proven).
Yamamoto had only wanted to find out who Yara had gone on holiday with for sure (and where he'd travelled, which roads he'd taken, and maybe what he'd eaten and when); he felt a little better now that he knew it hadn't been just Yara and Yonehana away. But then again, three men as opposed to two wasn't that much of an improvement.
"Stow it, Yone," Yara was saying. "Disneyland is awesome."
"You've been saying the same thing since you were six years old," Yonehana laughed. "Doesn't that tell you something about yourself?"
"It tells me I'm a fun-loving guy who's young at heart," Yara retorted, and Yamamoto grinned to himself because he knew it was true. That was what was awesome about Yara: despite being a manager he still knew how to have fun. "Where are your ears? I bought them for you for a reason."
"If you want old Tackey to write me up again, then by all means I will wear them," Yonehana said, and Yamamoto muffled a snerk. Yonehana was not as much fun as Yara.
Yara laughed. "What's a reprimand or two to a guy like you anyway?"
But then after a little shuffling, footsteps approached far too close for comfort and suddenly Yamamoto gave himself over to a slight panic. Maybe hiding in the broom closet hadn't been his brightest idea ever, given Yara was joined at the hip with the janitor…
Sure enough, Yonehana opened the door. "Two or three. What indeed," he smiled. Yamamoto fidgeted behind the stick of a vacuum cleaner, and Yonehana paused. Nervously, Yamamoto tried a smile. Grinning suddenly widely back at him, Yonehana stood there for a long moment, nothing but freakishly backlit against the break room's fluorescent lights.
"Your face is a daily write-up for anybody who looks at you," Yara went on somewhere beyond Yonehana's shoulder (and thankfully out of sight). At that point, Yamamoto couldn't have agreed with his words more.
"That's not a very nice thing to say, Yaraemon," Yonehana told him, not taking his eyes from Yamamoto's own. He reached into the closet and grabbed a canister of something past Yamamoto's ear that had a clear 'THIS IS POISON' skull on it. Yamamoto swallowed, shuffling back when Yonehana next picked up sort of strap-on high pressure hose thing built into a backpack.
Then, with one last grin Yamamoto's way, Yonehana pulled back and shut the door, plunging Yamamoto into complete darkness.
"What the hell is that thing for?" Yara asked. He sounded doubtful that Yonehana might seriously need something so oddly deadly first thing on a Monday morning.
"We have a slight rat infestation," Yonehana said with an audible shrug.
"What? You knew this before taking leave and just left the problem?" Yara said in disbelief.
"No," Yonehana told him, definitely still smiling, "I just found out then." (Behind his closet door, Yamamoto suppressed a shudder.)
"Oh. Well, I'm pretty sure you need a license to kill creatures like that en masse, you know," Yara said, his voice fading out as he preceded Yonehana from the break room. "Especially on corporate property."
Yonehana's too-close laughter was the last thing Yamamoto heard as a chair scraped on the floor by the closet door and then Yonehana, too, left the room. "Yaraemon, you're assuming I don't already have one."
*
"Eda! Where's Yamamoto?" Yara demanded later, standing on Yamamoto's swivel chair to glare over one cubicle wall into the next (damn prefabricated everything being so big). "He's late!"
"I haven't seen him yet, Sir," Eda said, nudging up the glasses that were perpetually sliding down his nose. He grinned a crook-toothed grin. "Weird, right? I thought he'd have been in extra early today knowing you were back. He wasn't even waiting to race against your elevator up the stairs?"
"He wasn't," Yara said and crossed his arms, thinking. Usually Yamamoto's competitive antics-such as the aforementioned sprinting up the stairs each morning while Yara took the elevator, just to see which of them could reach their floor first-were endearing, if occasionally annoying (or borderline absurd). But Yamamoto hadn't been absent without notice in years, and Yara was left feeling as if the morning wasn't right without a little spastic on the side.
Suddenly though, a sharp chop to the back of his knees dropped Yara down into the swivel chair. If his sense of balance had been any worse, he might have fallen completely. Turning to glare, he saw the trailing end of Yonehana's hose-backpack going by.
"Try going around the cubicle to talk someday, Manager," Yonehana said. "Like a normal person instead of a four-year-old on a jungle gym."
"Bastard," Yara said.
"Occupational Health and Safety," Yonehana said back, with a wave of his hand.
"CEO Domoto said safety should be of paramount importance to all employees," Hamanaka Bunichi intoned from the cubicle across the way. "A mandate for both Chiefs Imai and Takizawa."
Yara settled for glaring at the back of their resident Osaka Liason Officer's head when Hamanaka didn't take his eyes from his screen of graphs and numbers fast enough. "I read all the CEO's memos, thank you very much," Yara said testily. But then turned his attention to someone more easily offended when Hamanaka only looked up to stare over the space between them like a fish in drugged water.
"Senga!" Yara barked.
Senga skittered around the corner within seconds. "Yes, Sir, Yaracchi, Sir! What can I do for you, Sir?" (Yara could hear Yonehana snicker from the next lot of cubicles over, and tactfully ignored him.)
"You're the office monkey," Yara said. "Bring me news of Yamamoto's whereabouts. And a good orange juice. Asap."
"Why have I been downgraded from a gorilla?" Senga wanted to know, pouting. "I was a gorilla just yesterday!"
"And you were complaining about it, too," Yara told him. "You can be a regular monkey now."
"And the next downgrade is to sea monkey for how much you sweat!" Eda called over, his head stuck out the entrance to his cubicle. "Find out what's happened to Ryo-chan for us, okay? I can give you his mom's number if you need it."
"His mom's-?"
"Check the break room," Yonehana said casually.
Yara clambered onto Yamamoto's chair again to look over the cubicle wall. "Seen him, Yone?" he demanded.
"Why, just this very morning," Yonehana said, his smile ostentatiously benign.
"Senga!" Yara barked.
Senga snapped to a sharp salute. "Yes, Sir!"
"Change of plans," Yara said, dropping back into the swivel chair and crossing his arms. "Bring me Yamamoto. And an orange juice. Asap."
"Yes, Sir, Yaracchi, Sir!" Senga grinned, and trotted off. "I'll find them for you, no sweat!"
*
Conveniently, there was everlasting orange juice in the break room that Senga had been directed to. Senga didn't know if it was 'good' really, but Yara and Yonehana went through it by the cartonful, so it was probably at least 'decent'. And not expired.
A loud crash from the break room's vicinity made Senga quicken his trot down the hall. He skidded around the corner to see an upset chair, an open closet door, miscellaneous cleaning goods strewn across the floor, and Yamamoto sprawled grumpily with them, a coat hanger in his hand.
Senga blinked. "Were you playing in the closet?"
"No," Yamamoto replied with such vehemence as he dusted his suit off that Senga just blinked some more.
"…okay? But there's nothing wrong with playing in closets, you know. Nika from Procurement and I do it all the time. Though that one's Yonehana's, so maybe it wasn't such a good idea." He shrank back when Yamamoto glared at him.
"Why are you here?" Yamamoto asked. "Has Yara said anything about his holiday yet?"
Senga shook his head and went to the bar fridge by the sink to fetch the required orange juice. "Nope. Why? What do you want to know?"
"He went to Disneyland!" Yamamoto said, with explosive flail. Inside the broom closet, something fell with a clatter. "He totally promised to take me one day, but he hasn't yet, but he totally just went again! While on ninja leave! With Yonehana!"
Senga nearly went too far pouring the juice, stunned as he was by Yamamoto's little outburst. It was really no dirty little secret about the office that Yamamoto idolised Yara. In fact, it wasn't any kind of secret at all. But still, to be quite that upset over a week of leave that wasn't even-
"Oh, crap!" Senga exclaimed, as he felt orange juice trickle over his fingers and quickly came back to himself, grabbing some paper towel and cleaning up the mess he'd made.
Yamamoto for his part set straight the broom closet and chair before coming over to eye Senga strangely from close range. "…did he say he wanted 'good' juice?"
Senga raised an eyebrow. "Yeah…?" Then his face fell, and he looked at the very full glass in his hand. "This isn't 'good' juice?"
"This," Yamamoto declared self-importantly, "is why I am his favourite office monkey. He'll drink that, but the 'good' juice is in the vending machine next to the cafeteria, in the 200-millilitre cans." And with that, he fished his wallet from his pocket and stalked out of the door.
Senga watched him go before looking forlornly at his glass of now-useless not-so-good juice. Then he shrugged to himself and skulled it.
*
"Oh!" Tsukada said, grinning as he approached the vending machine. Yamamoto was counting coins out in his palm, a look of consternation on his face. He had a hundred and ten yen, but the good juice was a hundred-thirty. "You're getting the good juice after all."
"I'll be getting it if you have twenty yen on you," Yamamoto said. "What are you doing here anyway?"
Tsukada laughed and added two ten yen pieces to Yamamoto's collection. "Yaracchi didn't think Ken-chan would get him the right juice and got impatient waiting."
"He wouldn't've had to wait any if he hadn't left Yonehana unsupervised this morning," Yamamoto scowled, shoving each of his coins into the vending machine slot with excessive force.
Tsukada laughed again. "Did he lock you in a closet then?" he asked in earnest amusement. "He's done that to me before too, you know, but it didn't take me two hours to get out!"
"That's just because he just likes you better," Yamamoto said, adding just to be crystal clear: "Which isn't a position anybody should be envious of."
"Being Yone's favourite?" Tsukada grinned. "Actually the trick is to put up a good fight. He likes a good fight, you know? That's why he and Yaracchi have been friends since forever."
"I just wanted to know where he went for the week!" Yamamoto said, and stabbed at the Good Juice button.
"Yone? He was in Guam," Tsukada said with a smile. "I wish I could've gone, too. Guam is awesome! So many things to jump from, you know? Planes and cliffs and stuff, and good waves-"
The orange juice can thudded to the bottom of the vending machine like a boulder to Yamamoto's brain. "Guam?" he demanded, turning to Tsukada with fervour. "But Yaracchi went touring on his motorbike and stopped at Disneyland on the way back and stuff! He bought Yonehana ears!"
"…what?" Tsukada said, brow furrowed and clearly unused to being the confused one of a conversation pair. "To add to Yone's collection of stupid souvenirs?"
"Souvenirs!?" Yamamoto demanded. "But isn't it what couples do, buying ears for each other when they go to Disneyland and stuff? I always wanted special ears from-"
Abruptly, he cut himself off.
Slowly, Tsukada reached down into the vending machine delivery and slowly, slowly stood back up with Yara's orange juice in his hand. And then slowly, he raised his hand and placed the cool can against Yamamoto's forehead.
"…how… ma-ny fin-gers… am I hold-ing… up?" he asked in a fair mimicry of what Totsuka from Admin always did when people spent too long in the little backroom with the photocopier fumes.
Yamamoto felt like an idiot, and Tsukada's concerned eyes weren't helping. Grabbing Tsukada by the elbow, Yamamoto dragged him two steps around to the side of the vending machine for the sake of what little privacy it afforded them. "They aren't together?" he hissed.
But before Tsukada could reply, Senga's head of blond curls popped up between them. "Who's broke up? Who?" he chirped, grinning. "Nika's gonna wanna hear it! Let me know! Let me know!"
"Yone… and Yaracchi?" Tsukada said, his lazy eye looking bewildered.
"What? Eiw!" Senga's brow furrowed over a frown as he chewed his lower lip. "But they weren't ever together in the first place…?"
"I know," Tsukada said, blinking. "But I think Ryo-chan here kind of missed the memo. Or the not!memo…"
Yamamoto wasn't really listening to them anymore. His biggest rival for Yara's affections-lunch dates, shared food, errands like coffee and orange juice; everything-since forever just… wasn't?
He frowned in consternation. Eda had often called him obsessed and blind and utterly retarded when it came to things concerning Yara, but Yamamoto'd never thought that Eda might have actually been right. Or, for that matter, that Senga's and Tsukada's weird eyes gave them more depth perception than him after all. Or, either, that Yara and Yonehana weren't actually together...
"Then who did he go with?" Yamamoto demanded of whichever of them was still listening, coming back to the issue at hand. "If it wasn't with Yonehana, then who were the two other guys?"
"His… high school friends?" Senga hazarded.
"Right," Tsukada confirmed. "After-school dance club from way back. It's been a yearly thing for them since like… years ago. But they can't usually go for so long, because old people actually work and stuff."
"You know all this?" Yamamoto asked, incredulous at how these precious scraps of information seemed to be no more than common gossip among his colleagues.
"It's kind of hard to forget a guy wearing a Stitch suit on a motorbike," Tsukada said, scratching the back of his neck.
"Wasn't it Doraemon?" Senga asked, and Yamamoto thought right then that he'd had quite enough of life lately.
"Give me that," he said with annoyance, and snatched the can of orange juice from Tsukada's hand, storming back in the direction of the stairs.
*
"Good job, Senga," Yara said with a casual smile as he held court in his office, reclined in his own swivel chair this time. His three junior employees stood at the office door, and Yara made a point of ignoring Yamamoto's irate presence.
Senga beamed. "Tsuka-chan and Ryo-chan bought the juice," he said. "I didn't know that was the one you liked."
"I didn't think you would," Yara said, making Senga pout. "But next time you'll know where the good stuff comes from, won't you? Now get back to work. I think Ryu-chan needs more paperclips."
"I've got plenty, Yaracchi!" Takahashi called across from the cubicle beside Eda and Yamamoto's.
"You need more paperclips, Ryu-chan!" Yara called back. "Senga needs something to do."
Takahashi laughed. Pouting still, Senga slunk back around the corner. "Fiiine~"
"Tsuka-chan?" Yara said, turning.
Tsukada grinned. "Yup?"
"Go see if Yone needs any help with his rat-kill," he said.
"Sounds like fun!" Tsukada said, happily curious. "We've got rats?"
"Yone says we've got rats," Yara shrugged. Which Yamamoto interpreted to mean that really, Yara trusted Yonehana about these things probably about as far as he could kick him in the balls (which was not at all), but there was usually more amusement than not to be had by indulging Yonehana's fancies.
"Yessir!" Tsukada saluted, and trotted away.
Come to think of it, Yamamoto thought, temporarily ignoring all else, Yara's indulgent attitude with everybody-but Yonehana most of all, and Yonehana's right back at Yara-was exactly the kind of thing that had confused Yamamoto for ages into making a fabulous fool of himself just this morning…
"There are no rats!" Yamamoto said at last, his cheeks flushed and hands balled into fists. Turning, he closed the door to Yara's office and drew its blinds before turning back. "It's only because I was lurking in his broom closet this morning, okay?"
Yara tilted his head in a considering manner. If anything, his eyes were more amused than usual. "Cute," he said. "Care to explain yourself then?"
Yamamoto was suddenly glad he hadn't done his tie back up properly after using it in his Great Escape with the coat hanger. Cute? "I just wanted to know where you went!" he said, trying for indignant but probably coming out a bit more puppy-squeaky. "You weren't telling me!"
"Oh," Yara said, laughing, and waved Yamamoto away. "Well if that's all, then that's fine."
"All?" Yamamoto demanded though, on a roll. "It's not all, and it's not fine!" The small office was fast getting more than a little too warm, but he ignored it. "You were keeping things from me!"
"Really?" Yara asked, his large eyes sparkling in a way that tied Yamamoto's tongue. "Like what?"
"Like… like, I totally thought you and Yonehana were like… like…"
He faded out in embarrassment as Yara started laughing and laughing and wouldn't stop. "Me and Yone?" Yara gasped. "Oh god, me and Yone. But have you seen his face lately, Ryo-chan? By which I mean, in the last ten years..."
"Why didn't you tell me!" Yamamoto demanded, red-eared. "You know I like you; why do you have to be so-"
"So?" Yara raised an eyebrow, his lingering half-smile daring Yamamoto to say something out of line.
Yamamoto shut his mouth. He'd clearly been stupid enough for one day and it wasn't even time for lunch yet.
"Eda's not a very good wingman, is he?" Yara chuckled, pleased by the reaction, and changed the subject. Kind of.
Yamamoto frowned, crossing his arms. "No. He sucks. He doesn't know anything and doesn't tell me anything except when I'm being stupid."
"You should probably switch to Tsuka-chan in this case," Yara said, looking thoughtful. "He goes back a long way with both Yone and I, and always likes to help."
"Are you coaching me about catching you?" Yamamoto blurted, nonplussed. Then felt his cheeks heating again when he realised that, duh, it was exactly what Yara was doing, because clearly Yara thought Yamamoto needed the help. "Eda's going to laugh if I get serious for real," he muttered, resigned.
Yara gave him a reproving smile. "How did you expect to get anywhere with half-hearted attempts if you weren't serious before, Ryo-chan?"
"…understood, Sir," Yamamoto said, wondering aside what exactly Yara might consider 'serious' if hiding in a broom closet in the name of reconnaissance didn't even blip his radar. The prospect of finding out made Yamamoto smile though, and when he looked back up it was with resolved eyes. "I will catch you though, you know," he said firmly. "So don't think you can run away."
"Me, run?" Yara scoffed with a returning grin. "Don't flatter yourself, Ryo-chan. You'll catch me or die trying."
*
"So," Yonehana said, as if he was considering the colour of autumn leaves, or maybe just plans to hijack a plane. He walked with Yara down the road toward the ramen cart that served the best dinners after a fun day at the office.
Yara's jacket was slung over his shoulder, his tie loose and hair now artfully mussed. Yonehana's state of dress remained immaculate (dreadlocks aside), not so much as a drop of rat poison (or blood-blood and exploded brains were always possible) having fallen on his shoes since morning.
"What happened today?" Yonehana asked. "Your door closed and the blinds drew, and then I heard no more."
"Nothing happened, you ass," Yara laughed.
Yonehana sighed, ostentatiously put out. "What a waste. And here I passed you such an easy ball."
"Your plans are infallible as always, O Deviousness of Deviousness," Yara said mockingly. "But I don't need your help here."
Yonehana clicked his tongue. "You wouldn't, would you. Yamamoto's such a prey animal he's practically begging to be picked on."
"You should stop doing that, too," Yara added.
"Picking on him?" Yonehana laughed. "You know you love it when he gets his boxers in a twist."
"Yeah, but," Yara smiled, shark-sharp as they reached the ramen cart, "I like being the one twisting those boxers just as much. Remember that, Yone."
Yonehana hummed, smiling benignly as Yara patted down his pockets, patiently waiting for Yara to realise he'd left his wallet back in the office like he did four times out of ten. "If you think that's how you want things, Yaraemon, far be it from me to serve it up any other way."
Title: Begetting Stupid.
Pairing/Group: Yara/Yamamoto [various cameos from MA, Butoukan, THEY]
Rating: PG? Actually, it's probably G. :D 3800w.
Warnings: None bar Yonehana Tsuyoshi's face. ♥
Notes: I've disliked everything I've written for the past few months, so I really hope this turns out okay for you, pot_and_kettle. Happy Holidays!
Summary: MAde Corporation: close-knit (very), hard-working (really), and maybe also more than a couple o' paperclips short of sane.
Think ninja thoughts, Yamamoto told himself. Hiding in broom closets was okay; being caught was not. He peered through the small gap where the door was ajar and waited, biding his time with the patience of a grand yoga master on speed.
His target was one Yara Tomoyuki, Section Head of the Tokyo division of MAde Corp (and therefore Yamamoto's immediate superior).
It was the bosses and co-workers that made MAde Corp such a good place to work. Time-honoured tradition was to treat one another more like brothers than workmates within the company. They were all good friends, and sometimes a little more. Each employee was hand-picked, and so…
Yamamoto held his breath, hearing faint footsteps approaching from the hall.
"-breakfast at dawn," Yara was saying. A door swung shut. "And then Disneyland on the way back. There's no better way to end a roadtrip known to mankind!"
Yamamoto's heart thudded. Disneyland? Yara hadn't been in the office at all the week before, on leave. Nobody in Yamamoto's workgroup, or even the office at large, had been able to pry out of him where he'd be going-and he had to have been going somewhere because Yara wasn't the type to stay at home for very long at all.
"A road trip with you and two other fully grown men," said a second person with an audible grin. "Your standards are questionable."
The speaker's voice was almost as familiar to Yamamoto as Yara's own, and Yamamoto sighed a little inside. Yonehana Tsuyoshi hadn't been in the office either-or cleaning it-while Yara had been gone. The janitor had asked for time off as well (or possibly just taken it. There were rumours, crazy rumours, that Yonehana was actually MAde Corps' private assassin, and only moonlighted as a janitor during the day, which were in part due to the fact that he wore suits as tailored as the rest of the office workers-clearly not standard janitor behaviour. But nothing had ever been proven).
Yamamoto had only wanted to find out who Yara had gone on holiday with for sure (and where he'd travelled, which roads he'd taken, and maybe what he'd eaten and when); he felt a little better now that he knew it hadn't been just Yara and Yonehana away. But then again, three men as opposed to two wasn't that much of an improvement.
"Stow it, Yone," Yara was saying. "Disneyland is awesome."
"You've been saying the same thing since you were six years old," Yonehana laughed. "Doesn't that tell you something about yourself?"
"It tells me I'm a fun-loving guy who's young at heart," Yara retorted, and Yamamoto grinned to himself because he knew it was true. That was what was awesome about Yara: despite being a manager he still knew how to have fun. "Where are your ears? I bought them for you for a reason."
"If you want old Tackey to write me up again, then by all means I will wear them," Yonehana said, and Yamamoto muffled a snerk. Yonehana was not as much fun as Yara.
Yara laughed. "What's a reprimand or two to a guy like you anyway?"
But then after a little shuffling, footsteps approached far too close for comfort and suddenly Yamamoto gave himself over to a slight panic. Maybe hiding in the broom closet hadn't been his brightest idea ever, given Yara was joined at the hip with the janitor…
Sure enough, Yonehana opened the door. "Two or three. What indeed," he smiled. Yamamoto fidgeted behind the stick of a vacuum cleaner, and Yonehana paused. Nervously, Yamamoto tried a smile. Grinning suddenly widely back at him, Yonehana stood there for a long moment, nothing but freakishly backlit against the break room's fluorescent lights.
"Your face is a daily write-up for anybody who looks at you," Yara went on somewhere beyond Yonehana's shoulder (and thankfully out of sight). At that point, Yamamoto couldn't have agreed with his words more.
"That's not a very nice thing to say, Yaraemon," Yonehana told him, not taking his eyes from Yamamoto's own. He reached into the closet and grabbed a canister of something past Yamamoto's ear that had a clear 'THIS IS POISON' skull on it. Yamamoto swallowed, shuffling back when Yonehana next picked up sort of strap-on high pressure hose thing built into a backpack.
Then, with one last grin Yamamoto's way, Yonehana pulled back and shut the door, plunging Yamamoto into complete darkness.
"What the hell is that thing for?" Yara asked. He sounded doubtful that Yonehana might seriously need something so oddly deadly first thing on a Monday morning.
"We have a slight rat infestation," Yonehana said with an audible shrug.
"What? You knew this before taking leave and just left the problem?" Yara said in disbelief.
"No," Yonehana told him, definitely still smiling, "I just found out then." (Behind his closet door, Yamamoto suppressed a shudder.)
"Oh. Well, I'm pretty sure you need a license to kill creatures like that en masse, you know," Yara said, his voice fading out as he preceded Yonehana from the break room. "Especially on corporate property."
Yonehana's too-close laughter was the last thing Yamamoto heard as a chair scraped on the floor by the closet door and then Yonehana, too, left the room. "Yaraemon, you're assuming I don't already have one."
*
"Eda! Where's Yamamoto?" Yara demanded later, standing on Yamamoto's swivel chair to glare over one cubicle wall into the next (damn prefabricated everything being so big). "He's late!"
"I haven't seen him yet, Sir," Eda said, nudging up the glasses that were perpetually sliding down his nose. He grinned a crook-toothed grin. "Weird, right? I thought he'd have been in extra early today knowing you were back. He wasn't even waiting to race against your elevator up the stairs?"
"He wasn't," Yara said and crossed his arms, thinking. Usually Yamamoto's competitive antics-such as the aforementioned sprinting up the stairs each morning while Yara took the elevator, just to see which of them could reach their floor first-were endearing, if occasionally annoying (or borderline absurd). But Yamamoto hadn't been absent without notice in years, and Yara was left feeling as if the morning wasn't right without a little spastic on the side.
Suddenly though, a sharp chop to the back of his knees dropped Yara down into the swivel chair. If his sense of balance had been any worse, he might have fallen completely. Turning to glare, he saw the trailing end of Yonehana's hose-backpack going by.
"Try going around the cubicle to talk someday, Manager," Yonehana said. "Like a normal person instead of a four-year-old on a jungle gym."
"Bastard," Yara said.
"Occupational Health and Safety," Yonehana said back, with a wave of his hand.
"CEO Domoto said safety should be of paramount importance to all employees," Hamanaka Bunichi intoned from the cubicle across the way. "A mandate for both Chiefs Imai and Takizawa."
Yara settled for glaring at the back of their resident Osaka Liason Officer's head when Hamanaka didn't take his eyes from his screen of graphs and numbers fast enough. "I read all the CEO's memos, thank you very much," Yara said testily. But then turned his attention to someone more easily offended when Hamanaka only looked up to stare over the space between them like a fish in drugged water.
"Senga!" Yara barked.
Senga skittered around the corner within seconds. "Yes, Sir, Yaracchi, Sir! What can I do for you, Sir?" (Yara could hear Yonehana snicker from the next lot of cubicles over, and tactfully ignored him.)
"You're the office monkey," Yara said. "Bring me news of Yamamoto's whereabouts. And a good orange juice. Asap."
"Why have I been downgraded from a gorilla?" Senga wanted to know, pouting. "I was a gorilla just yesterday!"
"And you were complaining about it, too," Yara told him. "You can be a regular monkey now."
"And the next downgrade is to sea monkey for how much you sweat!" Eda called over, his head stuck out the entrance to his cubicle. "Find out what's happened to Ryo-chan for us, okay? I can give you his mom's number if you need it."
"His mom's-?"
"Check the break room," Yonehana said casually.
Yara clambered onto Yamamoto's chair again to look over the cubicle wall. "Seen him, Yone?" he demanded.
"Why, just this very morning," Yonehana said, his smile ostentatiously benign.
"Senga!" Yara barked.
Senga snapped to a sharp salute. "Yes, Sir!"
"Change of plans," Yara said, dropping back into the swivel chair and crossing his arms. "Bring me Yamamoto. And an orange juice. Asap."
"Yes, Sir, Yaracchi, Sir!" Senga grinned, and trotted off. "I'll find them for you, no sweat!"
*
Conveniently, there was everlasting orange juice in the break room that Senga had been directed to. Senga didn't know if it was 'good' really, but Yara and Yonehana went through it by the cartonful, so it was probably at least 'decent'. And not expired.
A loud crash from the break room's vicinity made Senga quicken his trot down the hall. He skidded around the corner to see an upset chair, an open closet door, miscellaneous cleaning goods strewn across the floor, and Yamamoto sprawled grumpily with them, a coat hanger in his hand.
Senga blinked. "Were you playing in the closet?"
"No," Yamamoto replied with such vehemence as he dusted his suit off that Senga just blinked some more.
"…okay? But there's nothing wrong with playing in closets, you know. Nika from Procurement and I do it all the time. Though that one's Yonehana's, so maybe it wasn't such a good idea." He shrank back when Yamamoto glared at him.
"Why are you here?" Yamamoto asked. "Has Yara said anything about his holiday yet?"
Senga shook his head and went to the bar fridge by the sink to fetch the required orange juice. "Nope. Why? What do you want to know?"
"He went to Disneyland!" Yamamoto said, with explosive flail. Inside the broom closet, something fell with a clatter. "He totally promised to take me one day, but he hasn't yet, but he totally just went again! While on ninja leave! With Yonehana!"
Senga nearly went too far pouring the juice, stunned as he was by Yamamoto's little outburst. It was really no dirty little secret about the office that Yamamoto idolised Yara. In fact, it wasn't any kind of secret at all. But still, to be quite that upset over a week of leave that wasn't even-
"Oh, crap!" Senga exclaimed, as he felt orange juice trickle over his fingers and quickly came back to himself, grabbing some paper towel and cleaning up the mess he'd made.
Yamamoto for his part set straight the broom closet and chair before coming over to eye Senga strangely from close range. "…did he say he wanted 'good' juice?"
Senga raised an eyebrow. "Yeah…?" Then his face fell, and he looked at the very full glass in his hand. "This isn't 'good' juice?"
"This," Yamamoto declared self-importantly, "is why I am his favourite office monkey. He'll drink that, but the 'good' juice is in the vending machine next to the cafeteria, in the 200-millilitre cans." And with that, he fished his wallet from his pocket and stalked out of the door.
Senga watched him go before looking forlornly at his glass of now-useless not-so-good juice. Then he shrugged to himself and skulled it.
*
"Oh!" Tsukada said, grinning as he approached the vending machine. Yamamoto was counting coins out in his palm, a look of consternation on his face. He had a hundred and ten yen, but the good juice was a hundred-thirty. "You're getting the good juice after all."
"I'll be getting it if you have twenty yen on you," Yamamoto said. "What are you doing here anyway?"
Tsukada laughed and added two ten yen pieces to Yamamoto's collection. "Yaracchi didn't think Ken-chan would get him the right juice and got impatient waiting."
"He wouldn't've had to wait any if he hadn't left Yonehana unsupervised this morning," Yamamoto scowled, shoving each of his coins into the vending machine slot with excessive force.
Tsukada laughed again. "Did he lock you in a closet then?" he asked in earnest amusement. "He's done that to me before too, you know, but it didn't take me two hours to get out!"
"That's just because he just likes you better," Yamamoto said, adding just to be crystal clear: "Which isn't a position anybody should be envious of."
"Being Yone's favourite?" Tsukada grinned. "Actually the trick is to put up a good fight. He likes a good fight, you know? That's why he and Yaracchi have been friends since forever."
"I just wanted to know where he went for the week!" Yamamoto said, and stabbed at the Good Juice button.
"Yone? He was in Guam," Tsukada said with a smile. "I wish I could've gone, too. Guam is awesome! So many things to jump from, you know? Planes and cliffs and stuff, and good waves-"
The orange juice can thudded to the bottom of the vending machine like a boulder to Yamamoto's brain. "Guam?" he demanded, turning to Tsukada with fervour. "But Yaracchi went touring on his motorbike and stopped at Disneyland on the way back and stuff! He bought Yonehana ears!"
"…what?" Tsukada said, brow furrowed and clearly unused to being the confused one of a conversation pair. "To add to Yone's collection of stupid souvenirs?"
"Souvenirs!?" Yamamoto demanded. "But isn't it what couples do, buying ears for each other when they go to Disneyland and stuff? I always wanted special ears from-"
Abruptly, he cut himself off.
Slowly, Tsukada reached down into the vending machine delivery and slowly, slowly stood back up with Yara's orange juice in his hand. And then slowly, he raised his hand and placed the cool can against Yamamoto's forehead.
"…how… ma-ny fin-gers… am I hold-ing… up?" he asked in a fair mimicry of what Totsuka from Admin always did when people spent too long in the little backroom with the photocopier fumes.
Yamamoto felt like an idiot, and Tsukada's concerned eyes weren't helping. Grabbing Tsukada by the elbow, Yamamoto dragged him two steps around to the side of the vending machine for the sake of what little privacy it afforded them. "They aren't together?" he hissed.
But before Tsukada could reply, Senga's head of blond curls popped up between them. "Who's broke up? Who?" he chirped, grinning. "Nika's gonna wanna hear it! Let me know! Let me know!"
"Yone… and Yaracchi?" Tsukada said, his lazy eye looking bewildered.
"What? Eiw!" Senga's brow furrowed over a frown as he chewed his lower lip. "But they weren't ever together in the first place…?"
"I know," Tsukada said, blinking. "But I think Ryo-chan here kind of missed the memo. Or the not!memo…"
Yamamoto wasn't really listening to them anymore. His biggest rival for Yara's affections-lunch dates, shared food, errands like coffee and orange juice; everything-since forever just… wasn't?
He frowned in consternation. Eda had often called him obsessed and blind and utterly retarded when it came to things concerning Yara, but Yamamoto'd never thought that Eda might have actually been right. Or, for that matter, that Senga's and Tsukada's weird eyes gave them more depth perception than him after all. Or, either, that Yara and Yonehana weren't actually together...
"Then who did he go with?" Yamamoto demanded of whichever of them was still listening, coming back to the issue at hand. "If it wasn't with Yonehana, then who were the two other guys?"
"His… high school friends?" Senga hazarded.
"Right," Tsukada confirmed. "After-school dance club from way back. It's been a yearly thing for them since like… years ago. But they can't usually go for so long, because old people actually work and stuff."
"You know all this?" Yamamoto asked, incredulous at how these precious scraps of information seemed to be no more than common gossip among his colleagues.
"It's kind of hard to forget a guy wearing a Stitch suit on a motorbike," Tsukada said, scratching the back of his neck.
"Wasn't it Doraemon?" Senga asked, and Yamamoto thought right then that he'd had quite enough of life lately.
"Give me that," he said with annoyance, and snatched the can of orange juice from Tsukada's hand, storming back in the direction of the stairs.
*
"Good job, Senga," Yara said with a casual smile as he held court in his office, reclined in his own swivel chair this time. His three junior employees stood at the office door, and Yara made a point of ignoring Yamamoto's irate presence.
Senga beamed. "Tsuka-chan and Ryo-chan bought the juice," he said. "I didn't know that was the one you liked."
"I didn't think you would," Yara said, making Senga pout. "But next time you'll know where the good stuff comes from, won't you? Now get back to work. I think Ryu-chan needs more paperclips."
"I've got plenty, Yaracchi!" Takahashi called across from the cubicle beside Eda and Yamamoto's.
"You need more paperclips, Ryu-chan!" Yara called back. "Senga needs something to do."
Takahashi laughed. Pouting still, Senga slunk back around the corner. "Fiiine~"
"Tsuka-chan?" Yara said, turning.
Tsukada grinned. "Yup?"
"Go see if Yone needs any help with his rat-kill," he said.
"Sounds like fun!" Tsukada said, happily curious. "We've got rats?"
"Yone says we've got rats," Yara shrugged. Which Yamamoto interpreted to mean that really, Yara trusted Yonehana about these things probably about as far as he could kick him in the balls (which was not at all), but there was usually more amusement than not to be had by indulging Yonehana's fancies.
"Yessir!" Tsukada saluted, and trotted away.
Come to think of it, Yamamoto thought, temporarily ignoring all else, Yara's indulgent attitude with everybody-but Yonehana most of all, and Yonehana's right back at Yara-was exactly the kind of thing that had confused Yamamoto for ages into making a fabulous fool of himself just this morning…
"There are no rats!" Yamamoto said at last, his cheeks flushed and hands balled into fists. Turning, he closed the door to Yara's office and drew its blinds before turning back. "It's only because I was lurking in his broom closet this morning, okay?"
Yara tilted his head in a considering manner. If anything, his eyes were more amused than usual. "Cute," he said. "Care to explain yourself then?"
Yamamoto was suddenly glad he hadn't done his tie back up properly after using it in his Great Escape with the coat hanger. Cute? "I just wanted to know where you went!" he said, trying for indignant but probably coming out a bit more puppy-squeaky. "You weren't telling me!"
"Oh," Yara said, laughing, and waved Yamamoto away. "Well if that's all, then that's fine."
"All?" Yamamoto demanded though, on a roll. "It's not all, and it's not fine!" The small office was fast getting more than a little too warm, but he ignored it. "You were keeping things from me!"
"Really?" Yara asked, his large eyes sparkling in a way that tied Yamamoto's tongue. "Like what?"
"Like… like, I totally thought you and Yonehana were like… like…"
He faded out in embarrassment as Yara started laughing and laughing and wouldn't stop. "Me and Yone?" Yara gasped. "Oh god, me and Yone. But have you seen his face lately, Ryo-chan? By which I mean, in the last ten years..."
"Why didn't you tell me!" Yamamoto demanded, red-eared. "You know I like you; why do you have to be so-"
"So?" Yara raised an eyebrow, his lingering half-smile daring Yamamoto to say something out of line.
Yamamoto shut his mouth. He'd clearly been stupid enough for one day and it wasn't even time for lunch yet.
"Eda's not a very good wingman, is he?" Yara chuckled, pleased by the reaction, and changed the subject. Kind of.
Yamamoto frowned, crossing his arms. "No. He sucks. He doesn't know anything and doesn't tell me anything except when I'm being stupid."
"You should probably switch to Tsuka-chan in this case," Yara said, looking thoughtful. "He goes back a long way with both Yone and I, and always likes to help."
"Are you coaching me about catching you?" Yamamoto blurted, nonplussed. Then felt his cheeks heating again when he realised that, duh, it was exactly what Yara was doing, because clearly Yara thought Yamamoto needed the help. "Eda's going to laugh if I get serious for real," he muttered, resigned.
Yara gave him a reproving smile. "How did you expect to get anywhere with half-hearted attempts if you weren't serious before, Ryo-chan?"
"…understood, Sir," Yamamoto said, wondering aside what exactly Yara might consider 'serious' if hiding in a broom closet in the name of reconnaissance didn't even blip his radar. The prospect of finding out made Yamamoto smile though, and when he looked back up it was with resolved eyes. "I will catch you though, you know," he said firmly. "So don't think you can run away."
"Me, run?" Yara scoffed with a returning grin. "Don't flatter yourself, Ryo-chan. You'll catch me or die trying."
*
"So," Yonehana said, as if he was considering the colour of autumn leaves, or maybe just plans to hijack a plane. He walked with Yara down the road toward the ramen cart that served the best dinners after a fun day at the office.
Yara's jacket was slung over his shoulder, his tie loose and hair now artfully mussed. Yonehana's state of dress remained immaculate (dreadlocks aside), not so much as a drop of rat poison (or blood-blood and exploded brains were always possible) having fallen on his shoes since morning.
"What happened today?" Yonehana asked. "Your door closed and the blinds drew, and then I heard no more."
"Nothing happened, you ass," Yara laughed.
Yonehana sighed, ostentatiously put out. "What a waste. And here I passed you such an easy ball."
"Your plans are infallible as always, O Deviousness of Deviousness," Yara said mockingly. "But I don't need your help here."
Yonehana clicked his tongue. "You wouldn't, would you. Yamamoto's such a prey animal he's practically begging to be picked on."
"You should stop doing that, too," Yara added.
"Picking on him?" Yonehana laughed. "You know you love it when he gets his boxers in a twist."
"Yeah, but," Yara smiled, shark-sharp as they reached the ramen cart, "I like being the one twisting those boxers just as much. Remember that, Yone."
Yonehana hummed, smiling benignly as Yara patted down his pockets, patiently waiting for Yara to realise he'd left his wallet back in the office like he did four times out of ten. "If you think that's how you want things, Yaraemon, far be it from me to serve it up any other way."