god i'm loved if by no one else, by tara lynn reed
ok its really long...warned
xDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ok so only zac knows right now cuz he had breakdown last night and then ihad breakdown last night
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: haha
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: you tell em!
Pica Muza: woot woot...now back to you
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ok so you were the first person to know about my eating issue, i refuse to call it a disorder so we'll refuer to it as issue
Pica Muza: alright
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: so its gotten worse
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: like since you came home and left ive lost about 8 pounds
Pica Muza: oh?
Pica Muza: and what triggered this issue?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and zac told me i need to get help, and somehow i want help but i dont wanna give up my "lifestyle"
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: idk
Pica Muza: you dont need to give it up tyler. but if you keep goin like this it will need to be modified
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: its been there for a while, its always there i never escape it but somethin jus made it expolde all over again. i was getting better, less pills a lil more food, a lil less exercise
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i think ****** kinda triggered it off again, like made me want to go back to it even more than i was already contemplating
Pica Muza: i mean if it gets really bad and its really effecting you as a person, you should really get help
Pica Muza: why did she?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: she did that whole i was anorexic for abotu a week thing again like she did a couple years ago
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and i just kinda sat there and played it off, she has no clue what-so-ever, and then i started thinking about how much i love it so i decided to go back
Pica Muza: what did she say to you?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: pretty much yea i was bulimic for about a week last month
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and i wanna smack her i wanna be like come live in my head, listen to what i hear all day, every day, do what i do to myself and then come talk to me
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ive gone through about 3 bottles of pills, more pills than anyone should, i take more pills in a day than i eat solid foods. its not healthy, i know this, but its addicting and somehow i cant walk away from it.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and i'm sorry that i'm throwing this on you
Pica Muza: its ok...i just got that all at once
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: yea
Pica Muza: well, does it make you feel powerful?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: yea, its pretty much the only control i have left. i cant control my emotions anymore, my family life, obviously school but thats always been there
Pica Muza: well, i cant tell you to stop and cant force you to get help but if you are popping that many pills tyler...something has to be done
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik
Pica Muza: i mean that can really affect you body in more ways then one
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but i dont know what to do. i dont fit the typical "ana" picture andi know my mom wont believe me. hell the only people that ik believe me are you and zac, breanne sometimes. laura kinda knows but not really
Pica Muza: and if something happened to you i seriously would end up. i would end up in a psychward
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik and i want to at least bring some sort of control to it for the sake of others
Pica Muza: well you have an altered eating disorder. i wouldnt even know what to call it, but seriously if it worsens, see some one. they could help.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i dont want to see anyone, not yet. i want to be able to get back to where i was. restricting like crazy, exercise, kinda stable
Pica Muza: i mean dont quit but shouldnt be pill happy like that.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: yea
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: itll kill me, ik it will. somehow if i die early this is going to be why. if they ask someone be like i know why! this will be it. i wont kill myself i'll either OD on pills or something or take to many and give myself a heart attack
Pica Muza: i know, this is making me all worried and paranoid.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: dont be
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: im trying, believe me i'm trying really hard
Pica Muza: i cant help it, because you are my best. I know you are, but sometime we cant control things and things happen
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i leave em at home when i go to school and im trying to takeem only before and after meals, not inbetween
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik
Pica Muza: i cant preach to you. i know nothing of it only what you tell me, but the pill thing is deff worrying
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i told my uncl a while ago, the one you met, andhe jus brushed it off as a pahase. if my own fucking family doesnt believe me then ive got no where
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: yea
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: im not lettng myself buy anymore after im done
Pica Muza: if you need me...i will race home....if something happens yo you health wise i WILL be there
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: im not stopping all at once just gradually wean mysel off them
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: thank you, that means the world to me
Pica Muza: weening is the best thing you can do
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i want to write down what i hear everyday inmy head and maybe people would understand
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i dont wanna stop and then have somethign happen
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: shits already scaring the crap outta me, i dont need it to fuck myself up more than i already have
Pica Muza: i trust you in what you need to do for yourself, just no uber extremes.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: im tryin to come down from it right now
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: its the stupid shit that gets me and it pisses me off that i let it get me
Pica Muza: i hope that you can take yourself to where you want again
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: me to
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: idk how long itll take
Pica Muza: but i know you can
Pica Muza: well it will take alot of time, but i know you can overcome this
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: idk if i have to hit rock bottom before i can get back up again
Pica Muza: im not sure if this is a rock bottom issue...may just be a battle you need to win
Pica Muza: rock bottome may just mean the worse
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but it feels like i have to hit rock bottom
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i need to see how bad i can get, not because i want to, but a wake up call
Pica Muza: iw wish this wasnt the way to wake you up
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and maybe ill see something else, sometime later on, on my way down that will wake me up before i hit bottom
Pica Muza: i hope so
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i wish i coudl smack myself and be like your fine, a lil chubby but fine
Pica Muza: well weight isnt everything. i mean look at me...im more than chubby.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but weight is everything to me
Pica Muza: i know we all have diff desire of appearence
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: its been the focus of so many arguments in my house since i was like 10 its disgusting
Pica Muza: so maybe family cause this whole thing. gave you a deep seed of cant think of the word
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: self-hatred
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and i really wish i knew how to spell that
Pica Muza: god i suck
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: why?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: no u dont your sitting there listneing to me which is more than half my "friends" would do
Pica Muza: the word is simple but i cant think of it
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: lol
Pica Muza: anyway off track
Pica Muza: i think the issue is way deeper then the weight. maybe if working on family could help. but i dont think right now that ppssible
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i know its not possible right now
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: or in the near future i think
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i think my mom needs to see it. she needs to realize that its not just a diet
Pica Muza: maybe that kind of confrontation could help tho. when you can actually accomplish that
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: yea
Pica Muza: i hate to see it...but once it get so bad your in the hospital, maybe ti will open her eyes
Pica Muza: but god i hate to say that
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but we were both thinking it
Pica Muza: i know
Pica Muza: and that really too bad
Pica Muza: but if that were to happen, i would be there as soon as i could
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik you would
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and of course vice versa
Pica Muza: but i really hate to see it go there. in fear the effect could be irriversiable
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but i almost want it to go there
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: or almost there. which is the disease talking and i know it is. driving me down to double digits and all that crap that i think about, but also so my mom will see. if i get to a lower weight she'll just think i look better and encourage me
Pica Muza: this is really sad...esp if this is what need to be done
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i dont think of it as sad, just drastic
Pica Muza: i really do love you tyler. you are the GREATEST person ive ever known. even if you dont see it. But in my eyes you are
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: everyone says it, i wish i could see it. or see a fraction of it. if i could see just half of what everyone else sees than id have something to hold on to to make myself change
Pica Muza: yah. but what is important is how you see yourself
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i want to pinpoint where it changed
Pica Muza: did you get what i last said?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: Pica Muza: yah. but what is important is how you see yourself
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: thats what i got
Pica Muza: Pica Muza: are you doing to do some self searching to find it, or deem it un findable and live with what you have now?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i think i'm going to live right now
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i've already learned how to live iwth it, the shit that it brings
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i think i have to want to change, its like an addict
Pica Muza: well as of now i wish you luck with this and that things dont get really close to death or coma
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i won tlet them
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: or if i feel it coming im going to check myself in somewhere
Pica Muza: i sure hope so.
Pica Muza: i trust you with that
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i will.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and now of course mom's yelling at me to sleep
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: try and rest, i lvoe you thank you time a million for listening to me
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i'll be ok i pormise
Pica Muza: ok love you!!!
Pica Muza: maybe ill see you this weekend
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: deff
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: sometime, i work sat and sunday 12-10
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but i have a lunch break
Pica Muza: ok
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i love
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: you*
Pica Muza: i love you too
xDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ok so only zac knows right now cuz he had breakdown last night and then ihad breakdown last night
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: haha
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: you tell em!
Pica Muza: woot woot...now back to you
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ok so you were the first person to know about my eating issue, i refuse to call it a disorder so we'll refuer to it as issue
Pica Muza: alright
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: so its gotten worse
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: like since you came home and left ive lost about 8 pounds
Pica Muza: oh?
Pica Muza: and what triggered this issue?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and zac told me i need to get help, and somehow i want help but i dont wanna give up my "lifestyle"
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: idk
Pica Muza: you dont need to give it up tyler. but if you keep goin like this it will need to be modified
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: its been there for a while, its always there i never escape it but somethin jus made it expolde all over again. i was getting better, less pills a lil more food, a lil less exercise
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i think ****** kinda triggered it off again, like made me want to go back to it even more than i was already contemplating
Pica Muza: i mean if it gets really bad and its really effecting you as a person, you should really get help
Pica Muza: why did she?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: she did that whole i was anorexic for abotu a week thing again like she did a couple years ago
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and i just kinda sat there and played it off, she has no clue what-so-ever, and then i started thinking about how much i love it so i decided to go back
Pica Muza: what did she say to you?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: pretty much yea i was bulimic for about a week last month
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and i wanna smack her i wanna be like come live in my head, listen to what i hear all day, every day, do what i do to myself and then come talk to me
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ive gone through about 3 bottles of pills, more pills than anyone should, i take more pills in a day than i eat solid foods. its not healthy, i know this, but its addicting and somehow i cant walk away from it.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and i'm sorry that i'm throwing this on you
Pica Muza: its ok...i just got that all at once
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: yea
Pica Muza: well, does it make you feel powerful?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: yea, its pretty much the only control i have left. i cant control my emotions anymore, my family life, obviously school but thats always been there
Pica Muza: well, i cant tell you to stop and cant force you to get help but if you are popping that many pills tyler...something has to be done
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik
Pica Muza: i mean that can really affect you body in more ways then one
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but i dont know what to do. i dont fit the typical "ana" picture andi know my mom wont believe me. hell the only people that ik believe me are you and zac, breanne sometimes. laura kinda knows but not really
Pica Muza: and if something happened to you i seriously would end up. i would end up in a psychward
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik and i want to at least bring some sort of control to it for the sake of others
Pica Muza: well you have an altered eating disorder. i wouldnt even know what to call it, but seriously if it worsens, see some one. they could help.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i dont want to see anyone, not yet. i want to be able to get back to where i was. restricting like crazy, exercise, kinda stable
Pica Muza: i mean dont quit but shouldnt be pill happy like that.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: yea
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: itll kill me, ik it will. somehow if i die early this is going to be why. if they ask someone be like i know why! this will be it. i wont kill myself i'll either OD on pills or something or take to many and give myself a heart attack
Pica Muza: i know, this is making me all worried and paranoid.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: dont be
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: im trying, believe me i'm trying really hard
Pica Muza: i cant help it, because you are my best. I know you are, but sometime we cant control things and things happen
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i leave em at home when i go to school and im trying to takeem only before and after meals, not inbetween
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik
Pica Muza: i cant preach to you. i know nothing of it only what you tell me, but the pill thing is deff worrying
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i told my uncl a while ago, the one you met, andhe jus brushed it off as a pahase. if my own fucking family doesnt believe me then ive got no where
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: yea
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: im not lettng myself buy anymore after im done
Pica Muza: if you need me...i will race home....if something happens yo you health wise i WILL be there
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: im not stopping all at once just gradually wean mysel off them
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: thank you, that means the world to me
Pica Muza: weening is the best thing you can do
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i want to write down what i hear everyday inmy head and maybe people would understand
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i dont wanna stop and then have somethign happen
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: shits already scaring the crap outta me, i dont need it to fuck myself up more than i already have
Pica Muza: i trust you in what you need to do for yourself, just no uber extremes.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: im tryin to come down from it right now
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: its the stupid shit that gets me and it pisses me off that i let it get me
Pica Muza: i hope that you can take yourself to where you want again
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: me to
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: idk how long itll take
Pica Muza: but i know you can
Pica Muza: well it will take alot of time, but i know you can overcome this
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: idk if i have to hit rock bottom before i can get back up again
Pica Muza: im not sure if this is a rock bottom issue...may just be a battle you need to win
Pica Muza: rock bottome may just mean the worse
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but it feels like i have to hit rock bottom
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i need to see how bad i can get, not because i want to, but a wake up call
Pica Muza: iw wish this wasnt the way to wake you up
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and maybe ill see something else, sometime later on, on my way down that will wake me up before i hit bottom
Pica Muza: i hope so
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i wish i coudl smack myself and be like your fine, a lil chubby but fine
Pica Muza: well weight isnt everything. i mean look at me...im more than chubby.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but weight is everything to me
Pica Muza: i know we all have diff desire of appearence
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: its been the focus of so many arguments in my house since i was like 10 its disgusting
Pica Muza: so maybe family cause this whole thing. gave you a deep seed of cant think of the word
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: self-hatred
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and i really wish i knew how to spell that
Pica Muza: god i suck
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: why?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: no u dont your sitting there listneing to me which is more than half my "friends" would do
Pica Muza: the word is simple but i cant think of it
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: lol
Pica Muza: anyway off track
Pica Muza: i think the issue is way deeper then the weight. maybe if working on family could help. but i dont think right now that ppssible
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i know its not possible right now
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: or in the near future i think
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i think my mom needs to see it. she needs to realize that its not just a diet
Pica Muza: maybe that kind of confrontation could help tho. when you can actually accomplish that
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: yea
Pica Muza: i hate to see it...but once it get so bad your in the hospital, maybe ti will open her eyes
Pica Muza: but god i hate to say that
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but we were both thinking it
Pica Muza: i know
Pica Muza: and that really too bad
Pica Muza: but if that were to happen, i would be there as soon as i could
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik you would
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and of course vice versa
Pica Muza: but i really hate to see it go there. in fear the effect could be irriversiable
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: ik
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but i almost want it to go there
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: or almost there. which is the disease talking and i know it is. driving me down to double digits and all that crap that i think about, but also so my mom will see. if i get to a lower weight she'll just think i look better and encourage me
Pica Muza: this is really sad...esp if this is what need to be done
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i dont think of it as sad, just drastic
Pica Muza: i really do love you tyler. you are the GREATEST person ive ever known. even if you dont see it. But in my eyes you are
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: everyone says it, i wish i could see it. or see a fraction of it. if i could see just half of what everyone else sees than id have something to hold on to to make myself change
Pica Muza: yah. but what is important is how you see yourself
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i want to pinpoint where it changed
Pica Muza: did you get what i last said?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: Pica Muza: yah. but what is important is how you see yourself
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: thats what i got
Pica Muza: Pica Muza: are you doing to do some self searching to find it, or deem it un findable and live with what you have now?
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i think i'm going to live right now
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i've already learned how to live iwth it, the shit that it brings
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i think i have to want to change, its like an addict
Pica Muza: well as of now i wish you luck with this and that things dont get really close to death or coma
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i won tlet them
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: or if i feel it coming im going to check myself in somewhere
Pica Muza: i sure hope so.
Pica Muza: i trust you with that
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i will.
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: and now of course mom's yelling at me to sleep
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: try and rest, i lvoe you thank you time a million for listening to me
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i'll be ok i pormise
Pica Muza: ok love you!!!
Pica Muza: maybe ill see you this weekend
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: deff
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: sometime, i work sat and sunday 12-10
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: but i have a lunch break
Pica Muza: ok
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: i love
SxDiAmOnDpRiNcEs: you*
Pica Muza: i love you too