Never gone, Never far, In my heart is where you are.

[diamondjul]

I have way to much time on my hands to think about nothing and everything.  And I have decided.  It is better to not know what love is and want it so bad it hurts than to have loved and know exaclty what it feels like to be in love and then lose it.  If you don't know how it feels you really aren't missing out on much but once you know and then it's gone it eat you alive.  Everyday you know that no matter what you can't get that feeling back, its gone.  But it feels so good that you want it so bad and it will eventually kill you.  Unless you find it again.  But I am jealous of the girls that don't know what it is like.  My whole life all I wanted was someone outside of my family to tell me they loved me and I was beautiful and all that good stuff.  Did I really want that though when it just ends in heartache so bad you can't breathe?  I definetely didn't want that.  I think it's impossible to stay in love and make it work.  No one does it.  Even if people stay together the love is probably not there anymore.  It's a sad fact.  Guys are either cheaters, liars, beaters, or a combination.  There is no guy hat can just treat a girl the way she should be treated.  And if he does exsist then he's probably gay.  I know I said there are such things as fairy tales but I am beginning to think I was wrong.  There can't be fairy tales if there are no prince charmings.  It sucks.  It all sucks so bad I can't even take it.  I mean I am trying.  I want to be optimistic and think positive but it is so hard when everything around me is falling to pieces.  How can I stay together when all I know is falling apart?  Everything feels wrong and I really need to feel alright right now.  I thought everything in my life was great.  I was happy and so was everyone else.  Talk about wearing my rose tinted glasses.  I find more and more everyday how good I am at lying to myself.  If it were an Olypmic sport, I would be a gold medalist.

Don't give up on me now.

-Julie