Donate a life if you please..
I want to live a life... Not this half assed tiring existance... I'm just so tired all the time.. DOing the same thing every day. Sleeping, going to college (or not), eating, watching tv, spending ages on the internet.. I hate routines and especially bad ones like this I feel like I've fallen into this bad cycle. I keep sleeping it out for college and I'm just finding it really hard to motivate myself to do anything, like get groceries or anything. I'm sleeping through most of the days and am subsequently up all night. I still have a lot of college work to get done and the next week is going to be quite tough.. I just feel so drained and no energy drink is going to restore this lack of lustre for life.. And I do love my housemates still and I'm here most of the time but I need more.. It takes me a long time to develop friendships and I'm really awkward around people and under-confident to make a move to create friendships. I'm really lonely.. friendwise and romantically.. I just crave a closeness with someone both physically and emotionally.. And the last time I got involved with someone romantically it as a disaster and I ended up making a fool of myself because I wanted more and he came up with the same excuse I always get Oh I don't know what I'm going to be doing in a few months, I might be moving to England and I don't think a relationship is a good idea.. It's always the fucking same.. I hate myself sometimes.. I just don't know what's wrong with me.. I've been with the same group in college for three months and haven't anyone that I can consider a proper friend.. I know it takes a while but I don't even see any potential ones for the future.. I just feel like I have another version of myself wanting to get out but I haven't the confidence to let her out because I know that she's a bit crazy and out there. I'm afraid if I let her out I'll be hated. And I don't even know how to unlock her. I am quiet, I'm always careful not to offend others, I go out of my way to satisfy others so that they won't be disappointed. I used to be very christian and it has created internal conflicts bout the person I believe I should be and the person I really am. I used to feel like such a hypocrite going to church when outside of that life I was reading and doing things against that faith's beliefs. And although I'm not a christian any longer I still struggle with this internal conflict... I'm so busy trying to please others that I'm letting my personality be damaged. I'm scared.. I'm nineteen years old and I still don't know who I am. I struggle with my sexuality.. And am too scared of the reactions of my family and friends if they knew what and who I am. My parents are openly unaccepting of homosexuals and it hurts me that I don't think I w/could have a proper relationship with another woman for fear of what would be said, even though it is something I want to try. I am such a coward. I'm not gay I like both sexes but I hate this restriction society has put on my sexuality and the way I live... I just don't know anymore. I really don't know. I wish I could eerge from this smothering cocoon and just fly away after crawling and wriggling on the ground for so love. I want to start living, do crazy risky shit... But I can't I am conditioned by the restrictions in my mind. The only way I can see of getting rid of this is by getting high or something. Just to get me out of this mindset... I know that's not ideal but I am so tempted right now. I've tried alcohol it doesn't work. I'm so scared and upset I don't know what to do..