Quoth My Friend, "Evermore."
Ah. Here we are after a significant absence. My good old trusty diary/public billboard of emotions. And, as usual, I have been driven to write about this situation out of necessity; er…Daniel’s not answering his phone. So now I turn to you, O Mighty Internet!
…
Let’s cut right to the chase.
I’m an Asst. Front End Manager for the local Kroger store. I have now assumed a boundary role; though I do enjoy having fun with my employees, I have to occasionally remind them that I am, in fact, their superior. And it makes me sad that I have to do it, but it’s better than having no respect for my position. I have a good feeling they all -mostly- respect me as a person, but this is my job. I take my job seriously. *sigh*
Anywho, one of these associates has been excessively friendly to me. In a playful way. Jesting about what I do, giving me the “evil eye” when I tell her to stop texting on her phone. Pouting when I cream her on ELMS. Lol
However, I’ve slowly begun gathering a bit of affection for her. The way she acts is very disarming and makes me feel so…relaxed. It is a pleasure to work with her, even though she acts like half the things I do annoy her.
Some time ago, she asked me what I did for fun. I answered honestly, “Well, I don’t really hang out with friends since they’re all mostly at college…or busy with life… So I just stay home and read, write, or play video games.” She had frowned at me then and actually gave me some sound advice: “You really need to get out! And don’t play video games so much. You better not play video games all day tomorrow.” I laughed and kind of shrugged it off. However, the next day, the first day of my two days off, I was sitting on the couch playing video games…and her words came back to me. And I felt incredibly guilty. She told me not to do this! Yet here I am! How ridiculous is this?!
This set into motion a sequence of strange events. She actually commented about how she hoped I hadn’t played video games and I pretty much ignored her. Of course, that was an answer as good as any. Though she’d catch me off-guard at weird times with questions. For example, one day she looked straight at me as I was bagging an order for her and she asked, “Are you happy working here?” I was flabbergasted. Nobody really asks that. I mean, for real, no. We always joke about how we “love” it here. But a real question deserving of a real answer? I managed to fumble out a “I guess, I mean, it’s my job” and move on to helping the customer.
Another crazy event was when I was called in to work on my day off. She asked me if I had to cancel plans. And honestly? I did. Mike and I were supposed to hang out. So I said, yes, I had plans, but I came in to help. And then she managed to create some fictional scenario where I was apparently supposed to be on a date but blew her off to go in to work. Of course, I made my attempt to deny it, but she pushed the subject. I supervised the floor but received numerous inquiries about my supposed “date.” Was she Latina? Was she black? I mean, what?! And, with the encouragement of a rather witty bagger, my “girlfriend” attained a name: Lafonda. Really? LAFONDA?! That’s Spanish for “the diner.” My nonexistent girlfriend’s name is The Diner. *gives up*
After this delightful little joke escalated, any time I was seen on the phone I was talking to Lafonda. I blew off Lafonda if I ever worked in the evening. How is Lafonda? Argh! It’s nuts. Just crazy.
Fast forward to this past Thursday. I worked with her again and, as usual, there were a few Lafonda jokes. She ended up going on a tirade about…something… I can’t remember now, but I was listening but trying to help a customer at the same time. When she finished she cast blame on me for not listening. “I hope you don’t do this with Lafonda. She’ll leave you if you don’t listen like that. And if I find out you ever mistreat her, I’ll beat you up.” Or something along those lines. I just rolled my eyes and went on my merry way.
Let me make a note here saying that as crazy as it all sounds, I’m getting a kick out of it. She’s making things interesting and I’m seriously developing a huge amount of affection for her. She makes things…lively.
Well, later that shift, I took a cart out and returned inside to catch the end of a short conversation where the bagger repeated the name of another bagger, but she said, “No, Christian.” And then something very awkward happened. The bagger then turned to me upon realizing I was there and proceeded to inform me, “She’s got a crush on you!”
…yeah.
I quickly came up with a brilliant plan that would stabilize my boundaries and efficiently shut down any sort of feelings that were pounding in my heart. I said, “Okay,” and walked off to continue my supervision. Yes. A brilliantly failed plan. Good way to blow someone off, right? On the other hand, this bagger is known for his sarcasm and joking manner, so it was also possible that he was just screwing around. But it’s safe to say I did not handle the situation well. The manager side of me refused to let the human side of me back any sort of decent response.
Fortunately, I took my break within the next three minutes and managed to escape the front for thirty minutes. However, I knew upon my return that I would continue working with her until we both got off at 9. Upon my return, there didn’t appear to be any sort of awkward behavior coming from her, so I relaxed and just enjoyed the rest of my shift. Well, as much as you can enjoy doing what I do. Hm. Anyway, I ended up bagging for her frequently and was quickly attacked with a question: “How long are you going to be a manager?” I was confused and said, “Well, I hope to eventually become a Front End Manager at my own store.” But she replied, “No, I mean, are you going to stay with Kroger?” And I quickly nodded, as this was indeed part of my current plan, and responded, “Yes, this is what I’m going to do.”
And she shook her head, as if saying, “Aw, Christian, come on. You can do better than that.” And in that moment something happened. A part of me…evolved…and quickly. I stopped and stared off into the store and realized…this is ridiculous. Why am I a manager at Kroger? Do I have any personal investments with my job? No, I just want to climb higher until I can’t climb anymore. Do I enjoy what I do? No, not really. The associates make it enjoyable. Otherwise, my job is extremely stressful. Do I go home with a feeling of accomplishment and/or looking forward to the next day? No. No, no, no. And no, again. Actually, this is the opposite of what I want. This was a short term fix for a long term problem that was changing to an additional long term problem right before my eyes…and I didn’t notice. Why did it take so long to set in?
That answer didn’t hit me until later. However, before I elaborate upon that event, let me also mention what happened shortly after her question. She told me, out of the blue, “There’s something I need to tell you.” It wasn’t about scheduling or a request off. She and all the other associates all have a way of asking about that. Believe me. The only “Connect the Dots” game I could create on short notice was the mention of a crush by the bagger. However, I didn’t really understand the possibility of a crush. No, seriously. We’re very different people, nearly four years apart. But she kept telling me that she had something to tell me. But she’d have customers and kept putting it off. Eventually I had to print off schedules and when I returned to the floor she was heading over to the clock to clock out. And she told me, “I had something to tell you, but I can’t tell you now.” As if the end of the shift was the end of her need to tell me something.
So… needless to say, I’m flabbergasted. What just happened?
Now I get home and I kind of laugh the whole thing off and watch The Daily Show (it’s my routine these days). I mess around with my guitar and head to bed. The next day is quite uneventful other than the surprise appearance of my mysterious associate who, though appears to have plenty of time to talk to me, leaves only with a wave to me (in which I salute back. Yes, salute. I don’t know, ask my genes.) It isn’t until I get home the second day that things begin to crash into me. I find the lyrics for my first song on guitar. It’s called “Something I Need to Tell You.” I know. It’s perfect for my strumming pattern and chord progression. But it’s based on that strange evening with her curious words. And shortly thereafter I discover something: the evolution of my real self. The part of me that knows what I need to do with my life. And it all leads back to this associate. She…is my messenger from God. I feel it. Nobody has ever affected me in such a positive way in a long time. By just being herself and asking those questions of me, she has uncovered the truth behind what I really want for myself…and that I’m truly ready for it. I have asked God on many occasions, “Can you show me? I’m ready.” But now I know why He waited so long. I’ve nearly cleared up my financial situation. Because of problems at home, I am now living independent of my parents. This directly influenced my concentration on music and allowed me to realize that it was not my true profession. With my job at Kroger, once my credit cards are taken care of (a goal I hope to accomplish by August of this year), I will be making a ton of extra money I have nothing to spend it on…except now I do. I have decided to take online courses. I can easily afford it. Everything has lead up to this very point. Everything has guided me to a place in my life where I can finally step through the crossroads and make my journey to a new city. A new life. Just as Daniel was my catalyst for my transition through high school and my discovery of God…she has become the catalyst of the next stage of my future. I realize she may be one of the most important people in my life right now. I’m not sure exactly what happens next, but every time I think about my future I get this…light-hearted giddy adrenaline rush-like feeling inside. I can feel the rightness of what I have realized. God has His hand in this and I am happy. And when I think of her, the same feeling comes over me…and I know that she has been brought to me through the will of God.
I’m so…fortunate… I have nothing else really to say…
Except thank you. You have become an important person to me. A great friend. And you don’t even know… Thank you.
And just for the record, I watched the Thursday night Daily Show on the same night (Friday)…and I have decided that I will pursue Journalism. I don’t know how he did it, but Jon Stewart has inspired me with his honest opinions and open satire. I just hope there’s another place for a man seeking the truth in such a frivolous world.
And now…my heart has awakened.
…
Let’s cut right to the chase.
I’m an Asst. Front End Manager for the local Kroger store. I have now assumed a boundary role; though I do enjoy having fun with my employees, I have to occasionally remind them that I am, in fact, their superior. And it makes me sad that I have to do it, but it’s better than having no respect for my position. I have a good feeling they all -mostly- respect me as a person, but this is my job. I take my job seriously. *sigh*
Anywho, one of these associates has been excessively friendly to me. In a playful way. Jesting about what I do, giving me the “evil eye” when I tell her to stop texting on her phone. Pouting when I cream her on ELMS. Lol
However, I’ve slowly begun gathering a bit of affection for her. The way she acts is very disarming and makes me feel so…relaxed. It is a pleasure to work with her, even though she acts like half the things I do annoy her.
Some time ago, she asked me what I did for fun. I answered honestly, “Well, I don’t really hang out with friends since they’re all mostly at college…or busy with life… So I just stay home and read, write, or play video games.” She had frowned at me then and actually gave me some sound advice: “You really need to get out! And don’t play video games so much. You better not play video games all day tomorrow.” I laughed and kind of shrugged it off. However, the next day, the first day of my two days off, I was sitting on the couch playing video games…and her words came back to me. And I felt incredibly guilty. She told me not to do this! Yet here I am! How ridiculous is this?!
This set into motion a sequence of strange events. She actually commented about how she hoped I hadn’t played video games and I pretty much ignored her. Of course, that was an answer as good as any. Though she’d catch me off-guard at weird times with questions. For example, one day she looked straight at me as I was bagging an order for her and she asked, “Are you happy working here?” I was flabbergasted. Nobody really asks that. I mean, for real, no. We always joke about how we “love” it here. But a real question deserving of a real answer? I managed to fumble out a “I guess, I mean, it’s my job” and move on to helping the customer.
Another crazy event was when I was called in to work on my day off. She asked me if I had to cancel plans. And honestly? I did. Mike and I were supposed to hang out. So I said, yes, I had plans, but I came in to help. And then she managed to create some fictional scenario where I was apparently supposed to be on a date but blew her off to go in to work. Of course, I made my attempt to deny it, but she pushed the subject. I supervised the floor but received numerous inquiries about my supposed “date.” Was she Latina? Was she black? I mean, what?! And, with the encouragement of a rather witty bagger, my “girlfriend” attained a name: Lafonda. Really? LAFONDA?! That’s Spanish for “the diner.” My nonexistent girlfriend’s name is The Diner. *gives up*
After this delightful little joke escalated, any time I was seen on the phone I was talking to Lafonda. I blew off Lafonda if I ever worked in the evening. How is Lafonda? Argh! It’s nuts. Just crazy.
Fast forward to this past Thursday. I worked with her again and, as usual, there were a few Lafonda jokes. She ended up going on a tirade about…something… I can’t remember now, but I was listening but trying to help a customer at the same time. When she finished she cast blame on me for not listening. “I hope you don’t do this with Lafonda. She’ll leave you if you don’t listen like that. And if I find out you ever mistreat her, I’ll beat you up.” Or something along those lines. I just rolled my eyes and went on my merry way.
Let me make a note here saying that as crazy as it all sounds, I’m getting a kick out of it. She’s making things interesting and I’m seriously developing a huge amount of affection for her. She makes things…lively.
Well, later that shift, I took a cart out and returned inside to catch the end of a short conversation where the bagger repeated the name of another bagger, but she said, “No, Christian.” And then something very awkward happened. The bagger then turned to me upon realizing I was there and proceeded to inform me, “She’s got a crush on you!”
…yeah.
I quickly came up with a brilliant plan that would stabilize my boundaries and efficiently shut down any sort of feelings that were pounding in my heart. I said, “Okay,” and walked off to continue my supervision. Yes. A brilliantly failed plan. Good way to blow someone off, right? On the other hand, this bagger is known for his sarcasm and joking manner, so it was also possible that he was just screwing around. But it’s safe to say I did not handle the situation well. The manager side of me refused to let the human side of me back any sort of decent response.
Fortunately, I took my break within the next three minutes and managed to escape the front for thirty minutes. However, I knew upon my return that I would continue working with her until we both got off at 9. Upon my return, there didn’t appear to be any sort of awkward behavior coming from her, so I relaxed and just enjoyed the rest of my shift. Well, as much as you can enjoy doing what I do. Hm. Anyway, I ended up bagging for her frequently and was quickly attacked with a question: “How long are you going to be a manager?” I was confused and said, “Well, I hope to eventually become a Front End Manager at my own store.” But she replied, “No, I mean, are you going to stay with Kroger?” And I quickly nodded, as this was indeed part of my current plan, and responded, “Yes, this is what I’m going to do.”
And she shook her head, as if saying, “Aw, Christian, come on. You can do better than that.” And in that moment something happened. A part of me…evolved…and quickly. I stopped and stared off into the store and realized…this is ridiculous. Why am I a manager at Kroger? Do I have any personal investments with my job? No, I just want to climb higher until I can’t climb anymore. Do I enjoy what I do? No, not really. The associates make it enjoyable. Otherwise, my job is extremely stressful. Do I go home with a feeling of accomplishment and/or looking forward to the next day? No. No, no, no. And no, again. Actually, this is the opposite of what I want. This was a short term fix for a long term problem that was changing to an additional long term problem right before my eyes…and I didn’t notice. Why did it take so long to set in?
That answer didn’t hit me until later. However, before I elaborate upon that event, let me also mention what happened shortly after her question. She told me, out of the blue, “There’s something I need to tell you.” It wasn’t about scheduling or a request off. She and all the other associates all have a way of asking about that. Believe me. The only “Connect the Dots” game I could create on short notice was the mention of a crush by the bagger. However, I didn’t really understand the possibility of a crush. No, seriously. We’re very different people, nearly four years apart. But she kept telling me that she had something to tell me. But she’d have customers and kept putting it off. Eventually I had to print off schedules and when I returned to the floor she was heading over to the clock to clock out. And she told me, “I had something to tell you, but I can’t tell you now.” As if the end of the shift was the end of her need to tell me something.
So… needless to say, I’m flabbergasted. What just happened?
Now I get home and I kind of laugh the whole thing off and watch The Daily Show (it’s my routine these days). I mess around with my guitar and head to bed. The next day is quite uneventful other than the surprise appearance of my mysterious associate who, though appears to have plenty of time to talk to me, leaves only with a wave to me (in which I salute back. Yes, salute. I don’t know, ask my genes.) It isn’t until I get home the second day that things begin to crash into me. I find the lyrics for my first song on guitar. It’s called “Something I Need to Tell You.” I know. It’s perfect for my strumming pattern and chord progression. But it’s based on that strange evening with her curious words. And shortly thereafter I discover something: the evolution of my real self. The part of me that knows what I need to do with my life. And it all leads back to this associate. She…is my messenger from God. I feel it. Nobody has ever affected me in such a positive way in a long time. By just being herself and asking those questions of me, she has uncovered the truth behind what I really want for myself…and that I’m truly ready for it. I have asked God on many occasions, “Can you show me? I’m ready.” But now I know why He waited so long. I’ve nearly cleared up my financial situation. Because of problems at home, I am now living independent of my parents. This directly influenced my concentration on music and allowed me to realize that it was not my true profession. With my job at Kroger, once my credit cards are taken care of (a goal I hope to accomplish by August of this year), I will be making a ton of extra money I have nothing to spend it on…except now I do. I have decided to take online courses. I can easily afford it. Everything has lead up to this very point. Everything has guided me to a place in my life where I can finally step through the crossroads and make my journey to a new city. A new life. Just as Daniel was my catalyst for my transition through high school and my discovery of God…she has become the catalyst of the next stage of my future. I realize she may be one of the most important people in my life right now. I’m not sure exactly what happens next, but every time I think about my future I get this…light-hearted giddy adrenaline rush-like feeling inside. I can feel the rightness of what I have realized. God has His hand in this and I am happy. And when I think of her, the same feeling comes over me…and I know that she has been brought to me through the will of God.
I’m so…fortunate… I have nothing else really to say…
Except thank you. You have become an important person to me. A great friend. And you don’t even know… Thank you.
And just for the record, I watched the Thursday night Daily Show on the same night (Friday)…and I have decided that I will pursue Journalism. I don’t know how he did it, but Jon Stewart has inspired me with his honest opinions and open satire. I just hope there’s another place for a man seeking the truth in such a frivolous world.
And now…my heart has awakened.