Her & Here
I smile at her in the hallway, lost in her eyes of the gentle surf, a color of water that could heal a dying soul. They drive hard into my own soul, lifting it in its chained prison of insecurity and inconfidence. Her hair lightly lands upon her shoulder, a dark auburn contrast to her light blue shirt, as her face turns toward mine in response to my greeting. A small smile forms on her lips when she sees me and her eyebrows lift in anticipation for the words that are sure to follow. Her beauty is impossibly intoxicating, freezing me in my momentary bliss, forever lost in her aura of peace.
Just tell her.
Her brilliant smile melts my soul even as it collapses into a small gesture of friendliness. She lifts her bag over her shoulder, a somehow completely beautiful movement that most would look clumsy and crude in comparison, and steps past me.
"See you later."
Her softly spoken words crash down my barrier of frozen worship, bringing me back into the world of inertia and kinetic energy; physics retains its truthfulness as everything else in the hall resumes motion. A feeling of intense pain creeps up upon me as I turn and look behind at the slowly fading angelic figure stepping delicately amongst the humans. It seeps into my very core, a dark foreboding echo of shadows encompassing the lighted candle within. I look away from her and continue on through my uninteresting day.
Why?
I reach home after taking the horrible bus full of dopers, idiots, and future congressmen since I do not own a car. Upon arrival I go straight to my room and reminisce about the one girl in my life who can have me all. If only I weren't so pitiful and ridiculously shy. If only I could overcome those insecurities and fears. If only. I cry myself to sleep, dreaming about a world created only in my imagination, where happiness lies around the next corner and there is always a light shining from above.
Then I awaken to repeat the process.
...now then. I used to have these feelings, but now...? I have this funny idea that I'll be fine single. I won't require a woman to share my life with, no matter how amazing it seems. After so much pain and torture, especially the latest spans of time where I have felt little to nothing love-wise, I find all I need are my friends, family, and...well...to do what I feel I must do. For the first time in my life, I'm okay with not having marriage...and actually not looking for it. For so long I have sought out this amazing woman that I cannot find because my interests lie in the most extreme version of a woman my imagination seems to have no problem envisioning. My sights are set high enough that I cannot find her. Again, I'm all right with that. Just...let my friends be happy. I will be happy helping them...and doing what I love.
I don't know if this is something that will last. I don't know if this is simply me giving up. But it is something. A decision about my life that I haven't made in a long time.
We'll just have to see.
Just tell her.
Her brilliant smile melts my soul even as it collapses into a small gesture of friendliness. She lifts her bag over her shoulder, a somehow completely beautiful movement that most would look clumsy and crude in comparison, and steps past me.
"See you later."
Her softly spoken words crash down my barrier of frozen worship, bringing me back into the world of inertia and kinetic energy; physics retains its truthfulness as everything else in the hall resumes motion. A feeling of intense pain creeps up upon me as I turn and look behind at the slowly fading angelic figure stepping delicately amongst the humans. It seeps into my very core, a dark foreboding echo of shadows encompassing the lighted candle within. I look away from her and continue on through my uninteresting day.
Why?
I reach home after taking the horrible bus full of dopers, idiots, and future congressmen since I do not own a car. Upon arrival I go straight to my room and reminisce about the one girl in my life who can have me all. If only I weren't so pitiful and ridiculously shy. If only I could overcome those insecurities and fears. If only. I cry myself to sleep, dreaming about a world created only in my imagination, where happiness lies around the next corner and there is always a light shining from above.
Then I awaken to repeat the process.
...now then. I used to have these feelings, but now...? I have this funny idea that I'll be fine single. I won't require a woman to share my life with, no matter how amazing it seems. After so much pain and torture, especially the latest spans of time where I have felt little to nothing love-wise, I find all I need are my friends, family, and...well...to do what I feel I must do. For the first time in my life, I'm okay with not having marriage...and actually not looking for it. For so long I have sought out this amazing woman that I cannot find because my interests lie in the most extreme version of a woman my imagination seems to have no problem envisioning. My sights are set high enough that I cannot find her. Again, I'm all right with that. Just...let my friends be happy. I will be happy helping them...and doing what I love.
I don't know if this is something that will last. I don't know if this is simply me giving up. But it is something. A decision about my life that I haven't made in a long time.
We'll just have to see.