And what a time it was. (part one)
Such that I'm a week overdue summing it up and filing it "done."
Sooo...last year. Right.
I started my year with the good intention of cleaning this place into something presentable instead of marginally functional. I made some progress on that.
Then I freaked out for a minute. No other way to put that. I pulled in tight and went nuts on at least two people. I have no excuse for this. I've never talked that way before to anyone, I don't think, and I haven't since. No hard feelings in one direction, a tangle mass of odd wires in the other... Sometimes my halo is on a little tight.
Other than that, I don't remember anything before...popfiend's wife Lisa Died. That's right. It was what I would call the first event of the year (in a series) that Shocked Me Awake. I just sat there and stared at the monitor in disbelief.
It was not but a few minutes after, it so seems, that we lost Beans.
I was trying, at that point, to cling to anything and everything positive I could find, shying away from people who were angry, or cold, or verbally violent without any humor or love underneath or besides.
In one extraordinary moment, it backfired.
One of my good friends on here...someone who I witnessed go through a lot...one of the few people I had on all three networks I use (four at one point) and actually knew my last name...ran into a point in life where the stress of having a life online was too much, and therefore not worth it. I won't really give details because that's not fair, and it sort of detracts from the points I'm making. An old illness struck again hard due to the stress of People on the Internet being...People on the Internet. A sensitive soul with a lot on the plate already, that was just enough to hit the overwhelm button. What got me was...their spouse made a quick post to sum up the situation, right before deleting their online presence completely. Like they never existed. To anyone. Their spouse gave a place to send final emails, and I sent a note that went (understandably) unanswered. I had no other contact info and as it stands, to this day I do not know if they're even still alive.
They saw fit that there was no other way for them to handle it, and I don't begrudge it a bit. It's what happened to me afterward that broke my brain. I went through all the stages of grieving. I was angry at the spouse. I was just sure they were coming back. I cried. I felt helpless. I worried. All into silence. There was nothing I could do.
This was not just an ordinary person to me. I looked forward to their posts. Their stories, the way they looked at the world. The photos. Their determination, deep devotion to their family....I looked to this person as one of the few I consider to know what love actually means. Their ability to see good in people and situations was so strong...I suppose that was one of the things that made it hard to be online, if I think about it.
Someone who could see the light side of dark was something I needed so much when I was reading those posts. The stories gave me hope for humanity some days. No matter what they were going through themselves, they always stopped to comment and offer support when I was so sick and/or down. And the photos...they're such good photographers. When I realized I'd never see those faces anymore, I hurt.
And I'd never met any of them.
Gone.
I was just sort of dumbfounded at my reactions...all 900 of them. I never realized how tenuous connections in these communities can be. Or how much you connect on various levels to people and never realize it. What happens in your head when you don't get to say goodbye and you never find out what happened. If they will ever know what they meant to you. How lonely I've been (that I also didn't realize) for real friends and interaction outside of this house. And what did anyone think of this journal? The whole thing rattled me a lot.
I haven't had the courage to sit here nearly as much since then.
You never know what you mean to someone. You post here, however often you do, and you never really know what happens when people read it.
Sooo...last year. Right.
I started my year with the good intention of cleaning this place into something presentable instead of marginally functional. I made some progress on that.
Then I freaked out for a minute. No other way to put that. I pulled in tight and went nuts on at least two people. I have no excuse for this. I've never talked that way before to anyone, I don't think, and I haven't since. No hard feelings in one direction, a tangle mass of odd wires in the other... Sometimes my halo is on a little tight.
Other than that, I don't remember anything before...popfiend's wife Lisa Died. That's right. It was what I would call the first event of the year (in a series) that Shocked Me Awake. I just sat there and stared at the monitor in disbelief.
It was not but a few minutes after, it so seems, that we lost Beans.
I was trying, at that point, to cling to anything and everything positive I could find, shying away from people who were angry, or cold, or verbally violent without any humor or love underneath or besides.
In one extraordinary moment, it backfired.
One of my good friends on here...someone who I witnessed go through a lot...one of the few people I had on all three networks I use (four at one point) and actually knew my last name...ran into a point in life where the stress of having a life online was too much, and therefore not worth it. I won't really give details because that's not fair, and it sort of detracts from the points I'm making. An old illness struck again hard due to the stress of People on the Internet being...People on the Internet. A sensitive soul with a lot on the plate already, that was just enough to hit the overwhelm button. What got me was...their spouse made a quick post to sum up the situation, right before deleting their online presence completely. Like they never existed. To anyone. Their spouse gave a place to send final emails, and I sent a note that went (understandably) unanswered. I had no other contact info and as it stands, to this day I do not know if they're even still alive.
They saw fit that there was no other way for them to handle it, and I don't begrudge it a bit. It's what happened to me afterward that broke my brain. I went through all the stages of grieving. I was angry at the spouse. I was just sure they were coming back. I cried. I felt helpless. I worried. All into silence. There was nothing I could do.
This was not just an ordinary person to me. I looked forward to their posts. Their stories, the way they looked at the world. The photos. Their determination, deep devotion to their family....I looked to this person as one of the few I consider to know what love actually means. Their ability to see good in people and situations was so strong...I suppose that was one of the things that made it hard to be online, if I think about it.
Someone who could see the light side of dark was something I needed so much when I was reading those posts. The stories gave me hope for humanity some days. No matter what they were going through themselves, they always stopped to comment and offer support when I was so sick and/or down. And the photos...they're such good photographers. When I realized I'd never see those faces anymore, I hurt.
And I'd never met any of them.
Gone.
I was just sort of dumbfounded at my reactions...all 900 of them. I never realized how tenuous connections in these communities can be. Or how much you connect on various levels to people and never realize it. What happens in your head when you don't get to say goodbye and you never find out what happened. If they will ever know what they meant to you. How lonely I've been (that I also didn't realize) for real friends and interaction outside of this house. And what did anyone think of this journal? The whole thing rattled me a lot.
I haven't had the courage to sit here nearly as much since then.
You never know what you mean to someone. You post here, however often you do, and you never really know what happens when people read it.
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