Failsafe
I'm suddenly less ok than I have been, lately. I was laying in bed a couple nights ago, unable to sleep for the thought stream, when I came to the realization that I want to fail. I'm so deathly afraid of trying and failing that I would rather just fail by default, I guess. I'm caught in this fallacious thought pattern that if I can't do something and be absolutely great at it, then there's no point in doing it.
Call it hubris, call it arrogance, but I desperately want to be the prodigy I've been led to believe that I am, that I very much want to believe that I am. Maybe it's the attention thing, maybe it's some desire to make up for some great wrong that I haven't actually committed, but I need, I NEED to be thought of as great by those around me. Anything less is a miserable failure on my part. I'm so keenly aware of this that I try to fight it, but I feel like, in tempering this need, I'm somehow lowering my self-esteem to the point that, while I still really want to be something great, there is a great chance of failure, and instead of going through that heartache, I would rather just bury myself now, if that makes any sense at all.
I've reached the point where I'm really starting to disgust myself. I don't apply for jobs because I know I'll get fired because I'll hate it and not want to do it. So, instead of getting a source of income, I'm now filing for bankruptcy. I feel like such a fucking disappointment, not only to myself, but to everyone around me. How can people tolerate me? Everyone's busting their ass to make some kind of living and get on with their life, and I'm just sitting around on my ass doing nothing?
I thought I was supposed to be better than this, you know? I feel like I should be able to muster some kind of motivation to do something with myself, but I find nothing where it should be. All I find are guilt and shame, and an increasing desire... I don't even know what for. I just wish things were different, and I stupidly feel powerless to make it happen.
Call it hubris, call it arrogance, but I desperately want to be the prodigy I've been led to believe that I am, that I very much want to believe that I am. Maybe it's the attention thing, maybe it's some desire to make up for some great wrong that I haven't actually committed, but I need, I NEED to be thought of as great by those around me. Anything less is a miserable failure on my part. I'm so keenly aware of this that I try to fight it, but I feel like, in tempering this need, I'm somehow lowering my self-esteem to the point that, while I still really want to be something great, there is a great chance of failure, and instead of going through that heartache, I would rather just bury myself now, if that makes any sense at all.
I've reached the point where I'm really starting to disgust myself. I don't apply for jobs because I know I'll get fired because I'll hate it and not want to do it. So, instead of getting a source of income, I'm now filing for bankruptcy. I feel like such a fucking disappointment, not only to myself, but to everyone around me. How can people tolerate me? Everyone's busting their ass to make some kind of living and get on with their life, and I'm just sitting around on my ass doing nothing?
I thought I was supposed to be better than this, you know? I feel like I should be able to muster some kind of motivation to do something with myself, but I find nothing where it should be. All I find are guilt and shame, and an increasing desire... I don't even know what for. I just wish things were different, and I stupidly feel powerless to make it happen.