and how could anybody deny you
although i am no singular melodramatic teenager who experiences this, i feel like i can't be myself in front of anyone. that includes everyone.
it's like every single person i'm with, if i show them this side of me that they don't like, then i'm ashamed of myself. ashamed for being myself. that's not to say i'm a complete whack job wallowing in my own low self-esteem, because i'm really not that at all. (i mean, i used to be, but who wasn't?) i think that's the reason for my unhappiness. i think that's the reason for every teenager's unhappiness in this joyful period of life. obviously the real problem is that i care too much about what people think about me. writing this right now, i'm speculating how others will judge me. i could make it friends only, but what my friends think affect me the most. all i want is to be able to be whoever the fuck i want to be and be happy. i mean, i can't be myself to my own family. my friends. my closest friends. that's just not how it should be. i can't even confide in a diary for fear that someone may stumble on it.
i hate being a bad writer. i wish i could convey my feelings with the right words. but i can't. i'm not a writer. i'm not an artist. i'm not anything. i'm screwed in life. but at least i still have...
???
[tangents]
1. the funniest revelation occurred. i discovered (don't ask how) that his name backwards sounds exactly like Ngai. ironic, no? i love life.
2. i heard (heard, not eavesdropped) him talking to his friend about books. yes, books. books. wow
it's like every single person i'm with, if i show them this side of me that they don't like, then i'm ashamed of myself. ashamed for being myself. that's not to say i'm a complete whack job wallowing in my own low self-esteem, because i'm really not that at all. (i mean, i used to be, but who wasn't?) i think that's the reason for my unhappiness. i think that's the reason for every teenager's unhappiness in this joyful period of life. obviously the real problem is that i care too much about what people think about me. writing this right now, i'm speculating how others will judge me. i could make it friends only, but what my friends think affect me the most. all i want is to be able to be whoever the fuck i want to be and be happy. i mean, i can't be myself to my own family. my friends. my closest friends. that's just not how it should be. i can't even confide in a diary for fear that someone may stumble on it.
i hate being a bad writer. i wish i could convey my feelings with the right words. but i can't. i'm not a writer. i'm not an artist. i'm not anything. i'm screwed in life. but at least i still have...
???
[tangents]
1. the funniest revelation occurred. i discovered (don't ask how) that his name backwards sounds exactly like Ngai. ironic, no? i love life.
2. i heard (heard, not eavesdropped) him talking to his friend about books. yes, books. books. wow