(no subject)
I think I may be ready to write about Eric's death. It has been very hard to sort through the maelstrom of emotion that I have felt since I got the news a few short days ago. Even now, as I write this I shed my first tears. Shock, anger, frustration, and confusion have filled my thoughts. Guilt? Perhaps in the way that somewhere in my heart I have been preparing for this. I had no idea how or when but I have known this was a distinct possibility from before I even started dating him. It is so strange... someone I shared a bed with is gone. I have not been foolish enough to think that I could put the hurtful things he has said to me aside in order to forgive and forget and be friends or that he would even ever want me back in his life but now... that cannot be even a distant fantasy. I loved him so fucking much... I gave myself to him, heart and soul but it wasn't enough... We had some good times and some very, very bad times but I ALWAYS wanted the best for him... I sacrificed a lot for him although I think he may have never seen it. I opened my arms, heart, and home for him and kept them open until he slammed the door shut in my face. I wanted to see him get a away from Tucson... I wanted him to grow and leave behind all that caused him pain. I tried so hard to compromise with him... He just wouldn't have it. I was willing to do almost anything for him but the one thing that he DEMANDED. He demanded I wait or we were done. He was willing to watch me rot away emotionally as long as I was by his side. That is where I drew the line and that is when he decided I was another enemy. I wish he knew how much of an ally he had in me. I don't think it would make much of a difference... His pain was so great... I just wanted to soften the hurt of living a little by giving him unadulterated love and support and caring. And I did. He may have been blind to it but it was there. When I asked him not to go to Iraq, it was not for selfish reasons- I barely knew him then. I just knew that if he lived through the experience the emotional scars that would be left would be nearly impossible to overcome. He was so strong but so delicate... He was like a beautifully spun spiderweb, strong enough to catch the most determined fly but the softest breeze could send him spinning down and out of control...
Goddammit I knew this would happen.
I could say that perhaps I was instrumental in him staying alive a few months longer than he would have without me but that seems like shallow self flattery... I feel blessed that I was given the opportunity to really get to know him in all of his multi-facets and I feel even more blessed that I have learned so many things because of him, from the best way to cook spaghetti to life changing realizations about myself. Despite all of that, I feel totally selfish when I cry. I can't help thinking about his mom and dad and what they must be going through... and Asia. My god. What she must be feeling and thinking and going through... I just hope her friends and family are there to support her. I have also been thinking a lot about Gwen and Jaysin and everything Gwen must have felt and still feels when she lost Jaysin so suddenly. I feel as though my feelings are totally insignificant and unimportant in comparison. How dare I feel so sad and angry when there are people who perhaps find it that much harder to get out of bed in the morning because he is gone? I do not need pity disguised in kind words, so please do not tell me that I have a right to feel how I feel. I just want to make sure everyone that has been affected by his death are taken care of. I tried calling his mom but she didn't answer. Nick didn't answer either.... I hope Rich is okay. Jesus Eric! How could you do this???? I know you felt alone... But people care and love you! Hell, I still care about and love you!!! How dare you take yourself from this world? That is the chicken's way out. I know you had thoughts of immortality. People like you don't die, right? Well, you did, didn't you! You ran off and left the pain of your loss in your wake. Did you think no one would notice? I know you better that... Or is this one last fuck you to a world that did you wrong? Damn you. You selfish bastard. It figures you would commit the most selfish act possible and then not be here to face the consequences. I hope your mom survives this.
How could you do this? How dare you do this? I bet it wasn't even totally on purpose... I bet you thought you would be driving back to Tucson soon after, didn't you? Did you just take more than you could handle and decide to go for a nice swim, thinking you would be wet but fine for that awful drive home? Why? Did you really do it this time? Was this success? You were never subtle when you talked about not wanting to walk on this earth anymore but did you really mean it? I have a feeling you didn't... you silly boy... You got our attention. Was that all you wanted? We were always listening Eric, and you were and are loved, very much. I know how much you hurt. I am sorry I managed to do nothing but compound that pain, even if it was just a little... I know I was just a blip on your radar but I just wanted you to be okay. I never got to thank you for all of those wonderful meals you cooked for me. You made me feel so special by preparing a magnificent meal every night and I could feel the love you put in every dish... So, thank you. It is tragic that no one else will be tasting your special meatloaf or savoring your lasagna. You had a true gift for the culinay arts.
You were so young and gifted and brillant... What a horrible loss the world has suffered. You will be missed, you stubborn bastard. Good bye Eric.
Disappoint
Just one more time
For the sake of sanity
Tell me why
Explain the gravity
That drove you to this
That brought you to this place
That pushed you down
Into the soil's embrace
Give me the chance
I was denied
To sit and talk with you
For one last time
Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.
I can't forget
Having to see
The words that knocked the wind
Right out of me
It's not enough
I've come undone
Trying to find sense
Where there is none
Just give me peace
You owe me that
To help ward off the fears
I must combat
Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.
And so I ask
For one more chance
To understand
This senseless circumstance
Help me to see
This through your eyes
The reasons I've been trying
To surmise
Though you are gone
I am still your son
And while your pain is over
Mine has just begun
Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.
-Assemblage 23
R.I.P Eric Pelton,
10/10/1978 - 10/17/2004
Goddammit I knew this would happen.
I could say that perhaps I was instrumental in him staying alive a few months longer than he would have without me but that seems like shallow self flattery... I feel blessed that I was given the opportunity to really get to know him in all of his multi-facets and I feel even more blessed that I have learned so many things because of him, from the best way to cook spaghetti to life changing realizations about myself. Despite all of that, I feel totally selfish when I cry. I can't help thinking about his mom and dad and what they must be going through... and Asia. My god. What she must be feeling and thinking and going through... I just hope her friends and family are there to support her. I have also been thinking a lot about Gwen and Jaysin and everything Gwen must have felt and still feels when she lost Jaysin so suddenly. I feel as though my feelings are totally insignificant and unimportant in comparison. How dare I feel so sad and angry when there are people who perhaps find it that much harder to get out of bed in the morning because he is gone? I do not need pity disguised in kind words, so please do not tell me that I have a right to feel how I feel. I just want to make sure everyone that has been affected by his death are taken care of. I tried calling his mom but she didn't answer. Nick didn't answer either.... I hope Rich is okay. Jesus Eric! How could you do this???? I know you felt alone... But people care and love you! Hell, I still care about and love you!!! How dare you take yourself from this world? That is the chicken's way out. I know you had thoughts of immortality. People like you don't die, right? Well, you did, didn't you! You ran off and left the pain of your loss in your wake. Did you think no one would notice? I know you better that... Or is this one last fuck you to a world that did you wrong? Damn you. You selfish bastard. It figures you would commit the most selfish act possible and then not be here to face the consequences. I hope your mom survives this.
How could you do this? How dare you do this? I bet it wasn't even totally on purpose... I bet you thought you would be driving back to Tucson soon after, didn't you? Did you just take more than you could handle and decide to go for a nice swim, thinking you would be wet but fine for that awful drive home? Why? Did you really do it this time? Was this success? You were never subtle when you talked about not wanting to walk on this earth anymore but did you really mean it? I have a feeling you didn't... you silly boy... You got our attention. Was that all you wanted? We were always listening Eric, and you were and are loved, very much. I know how much you hurt. I am sorry I managed to do nothing but compound that pain, even if it was just a little... I know I was just a blip on your radar but I just wanted you to be okay. I never got to thank you for all of those wonderful meals you cooked for me. You made me feel so special by preparing a magnificent meal every night and I could feel the love you put in every dish... So, thank you. It is tragic that no one else will be tasting your special meatloaf or savoring your lasagna. You had a true gift for the culinay arts.
You were so young and gifted and brillant... What a horrible loss the world has suffered. You will be missed, you stubborn bastard. Good bye Eric.
Disappoint
Just one more time
For the sake of sanity
Tell me why
Explain the gravity
That drove you to this
That brought you to this place
That pushed you down
Into the soil's embrace
Give me the chance
I was denied
To sit and talk with you
For one last time
Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.
I can't forget
Having to see
The words that knocked the wind
Right out of me
It's not enough
I've come undone
Trying to find sense
Where there is none
Just give me peace
You owe me that
To help ward off the fears
I must combat
Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.
And so I ask
For one more chance
To understand
This senseless circumstance
Help me to see
This through your eyes
The reasons I've been trying
To surmise
Though you are gone
I am still your son
And while your pain is over
Mine has just begun
Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.
-Assemblage 23
R.I.P Eric Pelton,
10/10/1978 - 10/17/2004