Comedy Rob
Today I was thinking of an alternative career should I ever leave the Royal Mail, and what I fancy is stand-up comedy. Now I'm no good at telling jokes but I do have a dry wit. So if I was a stand-up comedian this would be my set so far. Let me know what you think.
*Runs on stage*
Sorry I'm late everyone I had to run here, five miles in the rain. Have you tried catching a bus lately? it's murder! since the government decided that all old age pensioners could use public transport for free the buses and trains are all full. I put my hand out for the bus earlier, it pulled up and the driver said sorry mate we're full up I can't take you. The bus was full of old age pensioners clutching their free travel passes as though they were golden tickets for Willy Wonka's factory. These pensioners never used to go anywhere but now there's no stopping them, they can travel the full length of the country for free, I gotta pay. I thought age discrimination was a thing of the past!
The other day I was fortunate that I managed to get the last seat on the bus, only to have to give it up at the next stop because another load of old people got on and one of them happened to look at me and point with his cane to the sign above my seat 'Please give up your seat for elderly people 'WELL THERE SHOULD BE A SIGN THAT READS PLEASE GIVE UP YOUR SEAT FOR FAYRE PAYING CUSTOMERS'!
There was this poor lass the other day at the bus stop, eighteen year old, single mother, six kids (all to different fathers), two pushchairs and eight shopping-bags, that young lass relies on that bus and she couldn't get on, pensioners out for the day traveling for free at our expense. They sit there banging their zimmer frames on the floor, they're sat on the back seat with their hearing-aids turned up to the max so as to annoy the rest of us, tapping their canes on the window and shouting 'pesky young 'uns'.
So that's why I'm late folks, I couldn't get a bus. Best of all these pensioners have got Jags and Mercs parked on their drives, but now they can travel for free they're not interested in driving!
Is there any Postmen in here tonight?
I used to be a Postman. That's a tough job. Getting up a four in the morning, that's easy. 180 mile an hour winds, the government as evacuated the town but the Postmen and women are still out there delivering the mail, that's easy. Raining so hard that it's bouncing off the tarmac, that's easy. Snow so deep that you have to tunnel from one house to the next, that's easy. What finally finished me was the jibes. 'Postman Pat where's your black and white cat?, If they're bills you can take them back! got any giro's (dole cheques)?' Each time you have to laugh as though you've never heard those lines before.'Oh you're such a cad, oh that's so funny, ooh I've never heard that before' Well one day I finally cracked and I was to be found lying on the floor screaming 'NO I HAVE NO GIRO'S, I DON'T HAVE A BLACK AND WHITE CAT, AND WHO IS BILL? WHO IS HE WHO IS HE, WHY WOULD I DELIVER BILLS MAIL TO YOU? ARGHHHHHH!
What used to wind me up was the little old lady who lived down the bottom of the lane. Every day I would be at the top of the lane and she would shout 'Postman, Postman, is there any mail for me?' she couldn't wait ten minutes till I reached her house, so she expected me to walk down to her house to give her her mail and then go back to the top of the street only to walk back down with everyone else's mail. On the odd occasion I would manage to sneak by without her seeing me, only for her to shout down the lane to me 'Postman, Postman, was there any mail for me?' Yes love, I thought I would walk past your house and not deliver the mail but come back with it later. IF I'VE WALKED PAST AND NOT DELIVERED ANYTHING THEN THERE'S NO MAIL FOR YOU!!!!
People with dogs are the worst. I would have a Pit Bull chasing me over the garden, salivating and sensing blood. The owner would shout 'Don't run don't run, if he senses you're scared it will make him worse, stand still and he'll stop chasing you' Well you'd stand still only to have the pit bull with its jaws wrapped around your kneecap. There's me lying in a pool of blood and lovely Fido is walking off with my knee in his mouth. 'oh he's only playing with you, oh he's never bit anyone before' WELL THAT'S OKAY THEN, IT MAKE ME FEEL A LOT BETTER!
And then I would have my employers on my case because I've had a week off work having a replacement knee fitted and I've had to learn to walk again. 'I don't think losing a knee justifies a week off work' my gaffer said!
Blimey you're a tough audience, not a laugh out of you all night, what's wrong with you? I get it, you're all Polish I guess! Dzien Dobry, jak się masz?
Every where you go now you bump into Polish. I went to the seaside last weekend, I wanted an ice-cream, the guy who served me was Polish. I went out for a coffee and again Polish. You go to the supermarket and the girls on tills are all Polish. You go to the hospital and the Asian doctors have been replaced with Polish. I went to the job center and all the vacancies are in Polish. I was beaten to a job a few weeks ago, why pay me £10 pounds an hour when for the same money they can employ three Polish workers? I might go and live in Poland, there can't be anyone left in that country.
Soon there will be English and Polish old age pensioners fighting for seats on buses!
Did you know they even have Polish Jehovah's Witness now in England? There I was last Sunday settling down to to my lunch, football on the tv and all of a sudden knock knock knock on the door. I answered and some young attractive Polish woman (Why are all the Polish so good looking?) with bible in hand starts jabbering away in a language I don't understand. I'm stood there open mouthed not knowing what's happening or what she's talking about, I'm there for ten minutes and not said a word and she sticks a leaflet in my hand 'W co wierzą świadkowie Jehowy?' what's all that about? There was once a time when I could say 'no thanks I'm not interested in religion' not any more, how do you say that in Polish!!!!
That's all I have for now!
*Runs on stage*
Sorry I'm late everyone I had to run here, five miles in the rain. Have you tried catching a bus lately? it's murder! since the government decided that all old age pensioners could use public transport for free the buses and trains are all full. I put my hand out for the bus earlier, it pulled up and the driver said sorry mate we're full up I can't take you. The bus was full of old age pensioners clutching their free travel passes as though they were golden tickets for Willy Wonka's factory. These pensioners never used to go anywhere but now there's no stopping them, they can travel the full length of the country for free, I gotta pay. I thought age discrimination was a thing of the past!
The other day I was fortunate that I managed to get the last seat on the bus, only to have to give it up at the next stop because another load of old people got on and one of them happened to look at me and point with his cane to the sign above my seat 'Please give up your seat for elderly people 'WELL THERE SHOULD BE A SIGN THAT READS PLEASE GIVE UP YOUR SEAT FOR FAYRE PAYING CUSTOMERS'!
There was this poor lass the other day at the bus stop, eighteen year old, single mother, six kids (all to different fathers), two pushchairs and eight shopping-bags, that young lass relies on that bus and she couldn't get on, pensioners out for the day traveling for free at our expense. They sit there banging their zimmer frames on the floor, they're sat on the back seat with their hearing-aids turned up to the max so as to annoy the rest of us, tapping their canes on the window and shouting 'pesky young 'uns'.
So that's why I'm late folks, I couldn't get a bus. Best of all these pensioners have got Jags and Mercs parked on their drives, but now they can travel for free they're not interested in driving!
Is there any Postmen in here tonight?
I used to be a Postman. That's a tough job. Getting up a four in the morning, that's easy. 180 mile an hour winds, the government as evacuated the town but the Postmen and women are still out there delivering the mail, that's easy. Raining so hard that it's bouncing off the tarmac, that's easy. Snow so deep that you have to tunnel from one house to the next, that's easy. What finally finished me was the jibes. 'Postman Pat where's your black and white cat?, If they're bills you can take them back! got any giro's (dole cheques)?' Each time you have to laugh as though you've never heard those lines before.'Oh you're such a cad, oh that's so funny, ooh I've never heard that before' Well one day I finally cracked and I was to be found lying on the floor screaming 'NO I HAVE NO GIRO'S, I DON'T HAVE A BLACK AND WHITE CAT, AND WHO IS BILL? WHO IS HE WHO IS HE, WHY WOULD I DELIVER BILLS MAIL TO YOU? ARGHHHHHH!
What used to wind me up was the little old lady who lived down the bottom of the lane. Every day I would be at the top of the lane and she would shout 'Postman, Postman, is there any mail for me?' she couldn't wait ten minutes till I reached her house, so she expected me to walk down to her house to give her her mail and then go back to the top of the street only to walk back down with everyone else's mail. On the odd occasion I would manage to sneak by without her seeing me, only for her to shout down the lane to me 'Postman, Postman, was there any mail for me?' Yes love, I thought I would walk past your house and not deliver the mail but come back with it later. IF I'VE WALKED PAST AND NOT DELIVERED ANYTHING THEN THERE'S NO MAIL FOR YOU!!!!
People with dogs are the worst. I would have a Pit Bull chasing me over the garden, salivating and sensing blood. The owner would shout 'Don't run don't run, if he senses you're scared it will make him worse, stand still and he'll stop chasing you' Well you'd stand still only to have the pit bull with its jaws wrapped around your kneecap. There's me lying in a pool of blood and lovely Fido is walking off with my knee in his mouth. 'oh he's only playing with you, oh he's never bit anyone before' WELL THAT'S OKAY THEN, IT MAKE ME FEEL A LOT BETTER!
And then I would have my employers on my case because I've had a week off work having a replacement knee fitted and I've had to learn to walk again. 'I don't think losing a knee justifies a week off work' my gaffer said!
Blimey you're a tough audience, not a laugh out of you all night, what's wrong with you? I get it, you're all Polish I guess! Dzien Dobry, jak się masz?
Every where you go now you bump into Polish. I went to the seaside last weekend, I wanted an ice-cream, the guy who served me was Polish. I went out for a coffee and again Polish. You go to the supermarket and the girls on tills are all Polish. You go to the hospital and the Asian doctors have been replaced with Polish. I went to the job center and all the vacancies are in Polish. I was beaten to a job a few weeks ago, why pay me £10 pounds an hour when for the same money they can employ three Polish workers? I might go and live in Poland, there can't be anyone left in that country.
Soon there will be English and Polish old age pensioners fighting for seats on buses!
Did you know they even have Polish Jehovah's Witness now in England? There I was last Sunday settling down to to my lunch, football on the tv and all of a sudden knock knock knock on the door. I answered and some young attractive Polish woman (Why are all the Polish so good looking?) with bible in hand starts jabbering away in a language I don't understand. I'm stood there open mouthed not knowing what's happening or what she's talking about, I'm there for ten minutes and not said a word and she sticks a leaflet in my hand 'W co wierzą świadkowie Jehowy?' what's all that about? There was once a time when I could say 'no thanks I'm not interested in religion' not any more, how do you say that in Polish!!!!
That's all I have for now!