Baby, baby, let me sleep on it.
It's been quite awhile, my dearest journal! Coming back to read some of my old messages was quite surprising. Haha, I am such a different person now entirely, how I type, think, act, everything. Seeing my post from the first day I dated Hannah was kind of weird, but the past is past.
I don't know, not much is going on, nothing is new really. I sit in my room and read the entire day. I go to Rj`s for a few hours every night for the sole reason that, I know humans are SUPPOSED to have social interaction. I don't consider the two of them friends, even though they are very nice people. I just know I need to go out -some-
School was easy today.
I guess one could say I am lonely, but I don't feel it so much lately. I guess through all the heart ache and pain of losing so many people I just quit caring. Hannah's on my Myspace list now, so if I want a reminder of why I shouldn't care, I can read a blog of hers saying she was never in love with me, or one of her bulletins that mention how anything in the past didn't matter. That keeps me pretty content with life now.
It reminds me that I shouldn't waste emotions on someone else, that you never truly do know someone. People change. Sure, if you can, love away. It was nice. It's just not for me anymore. I don't have any -friends-, but that's okay. I am pretty sure I make this decision myself. At the same time I feel I should quit being so hateful. It can't be healthy. Today, at class, being around people I felt I was walking amongst a crowd of people covered with sewage and shit.
It's quite stressful. And according to the doctor, I have high blood pressure anyway, and none of this is good for my already unhealthy heart.
However, I feel content lately. I feel love in my heart, perhaps it's for myself. I don't know.
I guess, if something or someone good comes along I'll be open to it, but I am in no hurry.
I'm done with random sex with people I don't know. I had sex with five people last year, and received oral sex from two more. I drank every night. This is not me. It's who I was for awhile, but I am going to become more of a person again. I'm going to care about my health, and the risk I take.
I am going to repair my soul if I can.
I can't stand the hurt any longer.
I don't know, not much is going on, nothing is new really. I sit in my room and read the entire day. I go to Rj`s for a few hours every night for the sole reason that, I know humans are SUPPOSED to have social interaction. I don't consider the two of them friends, even though they are very nice people. I just know I need to go out -some-
School was easy today.
I guess one could say I am lonely, but I don't feel it so much lately. I guess through all the heart ache and pain of losing so many people I just quit caring. Hannah's on my Myspace list now, so if I want a reminder of why I shouldn't care, I can read a blog of hers saying she was never in love with me, or one of her bulletins that mention how anything in the past didn't matter. That keeps me pretty content with life now.
It reminds me that I shouldn't waste emotions on someone else, that you never truly do know someone. People change. Sure, if you can, love away. It was nice. It's just not for me anymore. I don't have any -friends-, but that's okay. I am pretty sure I make this decision myself. At the same time I feel I should quit being so hateful. It can't be healthy. Today, at class, being around people I felt I was walking amongst a crowd of people covered with sewage and shit.
It's quite stressful. And according to the doctor, I have high blood pressure anyway, and none of this is good for my already unhealthy heart.
However, I feel content lately. I feel love in my heart, perhaps it's for myself. I don't know.
I guess, if something or someone good comes along I'll be open to it, but I am in no hurry.
I'm done with random sex with people I don't know. I had sex with five people last year, and received oral sex from two more. I drank every night. This is not me. It's who I was for awhile, but I am going to become more of a person again. I'm going to care about my health, and the risk I take.
I am going to repair my soul if I can.
I can't stand the hurt any longer.