i feel like shit
well as the title says, i feel like shit. it has something to do with the way i am when i fall in love. i hate this feeling. i don't know what to make of it. i think it's just overwhelming doubt that i feel stronger about someone then they do towards me. trusting someone's word is so hard after all the bull shit i've been through. i want to believe christina when she tells me she loves me but that's hard to believe when it's coming from her. i find her to be way too good for me and i have doubts that she's going to find some new guy when i get boring. i'm just surprised that i haven't gotten boring yet. i do love her but that's also a huge problem because she's 15 and our lives could take enormous turns and it's so fucking hard for me. i think about everything because i have too much time on my hands. i've fathomed life without her and i dont' want that. i really really don't. she's helped me in ways i can't describe and i've done nothing note worthy for her. when i graduate highschool i want us to be together and when we both go to college i want us to be together, hell we could even live together. i wouldn't mind. but all these things i think of in my infinite spare time make me sad because i truly doubt she thinks the same way. i want her to love me as i love her but i'd find that incredibly hard to believe since i'm just a skinny idiot that is currently wasting his life away. i really feel horrible and i want christina to know how i feel but i don't know how she'll react and i just want love...that's all i've wanted since i can remember. just true unconditional love forever and ever. but i'm so dead inside...losing my will to live as a normal human being. i feel that i may flip out for the smallest reason and just kill someone. i just want to be happy again damnit! i'm gonna smash something inanimate..