Warum? Darum! 1/3
Linke and Jan have been roommates for years without a hitch. Now Linke wants out and Jan wouldn't listen to why even if Linke decided to tell him.
There was no doubt about it. Linke was twenty-nine years old and still single, and had been living with the same guy for the past seven years. He hadn’t dated in years, hadn’t even been able to find a date that interested him in that time, not with Jan waiting for him back home. People had stopped asking him if he was dating anyone, had stopped mentioning that he was single. No one tried to introduce him to this or that person they thought was his type and it was painfully obvious why. Even his parents, with whom he had never broached the subject, were positive that Linke was in a committed, gay relationship with his roommate. It seemed everyone but the roommate in question was in on the secret sometimes.
Someone else might wonder how Jan could be so clueless but Linke knew it was a matter of deflection and ambiguous answers on the DJ’s part. Jan thought it was a joke and he thought Linke thought it was, too.
Linke didn’t think it was a joke at all.
He’d fallen in love with Jan in their years living together, had adored him in the years they had played together before that, and had enjoyed his friendship even before that. He had been pretending it was simply friendship ever since, to his friends, to his parents, to Jan, too. Linke had never once sat down and talked to anyone about his true feelings for Jan, afraid that if he let a word pass his lips it would get back to Jan and he would lose what affection his friend had for him. Linke wouldn’t chance that, not if it meant he would keep silent for eternity.
It seemed for a very long time that it would be an eternity of silence until the day Linke found he wanted space. It had become too hard to live with the man he loved so dearly and pretend there was nothing more between them. It was too hard to know that Jan was just down the hall should he ever need him, that the person he would see when he first woke up was his friend and nothing more.
A plan began to form in Linke’s head, one of a separate apartment and possibly a new roommate. Someone completely new who didn’t know Jan and would never think to bring him up. In this new apartment Linke could adjust to a life without Jan’s constant presence. He could heal and possibly even move on. It would be a bold statement that would instantly quell the rumors and calm acceptance of those around him permanently in the matter of him and Jan. It would work.
All he had to do was tell Jan that he was moving out.
ØØØ
Jan had a need for physical closeness- something that both enthralled Linke and exasperated him. It had certainly kept his mental file of wank moments well-stocked but it also made it abundantly clear how much was personal and how much was what Jan did with all his close friends. Linke might as well be Timo or David for all Jan cared, the DJ just wanted to cuddle.
Right now, Jan’s head was resting against Linke’s right shoulder, the rest of his body laid out on the long couch. It was a delicious torture normally but right now it was leaning towards the more standard definition of the latter.
“I was thinking,” Linke began slowly, “it might be time for me to get my own place.”
Jan froze, his whole body tensing. He turned his clear blue eyes, those eyes that Linke loved so much, towards him in silent question.
“Why?” Jan asked simply. Linke’s heart burned in humiliation. He had spent so long worrying about when and how to broach the subject and here it didn’t even matter. There was nothing in Jan’s voice to suggest he felt one way or the other towards Linke’s statement. He didn’t care if Linke left.
“It’s just-”
“You don’t want to stay here,” Jan finished before Linke could. His face darkened and he untangled himself from Linke. “You know what? Fuck you. Just fuck you. Guess it isn’t interesting enough with just me here.”
Jan stalked away.
Linke heard something glass break in the kitchen but he couldn’t bring himself to go check until after he heard Jan stomp off to his bedroom. The door slammed harder than it had after any of their previous, infrequent arguments.
It confused Linke to no end. Why was Jan mad at him? Their building was per room so it wasn’t like Jan would suddenly have to take on double his rent. It never occurred to Linke that Jan could want him. Jan would have given some sign over the years if he wanted anything between them.
ØØØ
Jan wouldn’t let himself get upset. He wouldn’t break simply because Linke had gotten tired of living with him, gotten sick of his moods and his pussyish cuddles. This was probably not even about him personally: Linke probably wanted to finally shrug off the last vestiges of Panik and Jan was just so much extra baggage.
Linke had been so nice about everything, agreeing to rent an apartment together when they had first broken off from Panik. Back then, Jan hadn’t had a job and he certainly hadn’t had enough stored away for more than the first and last month’s rent needed to seal the deal on a place. He would have had to move back in with his parents or mooched off Judith to even be able to have a place to stay. The bandhouse had been out, obviously, but Linke had been right there, telling him he’d cover it and Jan could pay when he found work.
Jan had been in his debt for months after that, needing groceries, needing soap, needing toothpaste. The most basic things he’d never thought about running out of when he’d shared a place with six other guys he could steal shaving cream from. Hell, he could have borrowed Frank’s cologne if he ran out of deodorant when things got really desperate.
But now-
There was no reason for them to stick around each other anymore. They didn’t work together, they didn’t even really do anything that involved each other except hanging out around the apartment or going out to eat.
Jan waited until he heard the front door being locked from the outside before he crept out of his bedroom. Linke was gone. Somehow Jan had thought he’d still be there, like he always was when Jan needed him. But, of course, as the sound of the lock had signified, he wasn’t.
Jan pulled the carton of ice cream from the freezer, ignoring Linke’s pear-flavored sherbet. He settled on the couch with a spoon stuck in his mouth and, with an aching heart, turned the television to the Discovery Channel. He wanted to lose himself in facts or pseudo-facts considering what was currently playing was a Deadliest Catch marathon. Something that filled his head with a world he didn’t know, something that meant he had to pay attention and learn, without leaving room for any thoughts about his real life.
He was asleep, the ice cream melting slowly in the carton when Linke returned. Jan was completely out. He didn’t notice Linke put the lid back on the carton and place it back in the fridge. He didn’t even notice when Linke picked him up, just wrapped his arms sleepily around his favorite pillow’s neck and rested his head in the crook of Linke’s neck as his beloved carried him to his room.
Linke placed Jan down on his bed, tucking the covers around him with care. He wished for the thousandth time that this gesture would mean something to Jan. Linke wasn’t so besotted that he thought Jan flawless but, for him, his little friend was perfect. Linke traced the curve of a loose, dark blonde curl between his thumb and forefinger gently so as not to disturb Jan. He smiled sadly, a weak sort of tug of his lips, and let Jan go before walking to the doorway and flicking the light off.
Jan slept on miserably, oblivious to the echoing pain in Linke’s heart.
