(no subject)
I guess I need to write this because I feel like things have just kind of stopped and I've really left no explanation.
And when TJ and I were done,yeah, I was heart broken. And this isn't to say that it doesn't hurt, part of it still does. But I'm okay now. And I guess I'm just having an epiphany over all of this and I need to say it.
TJ and I had a lot of hurt in our relationship, and we had a lot of good too. But love shouldn't be that hard. There has to be someone out there for everyone that it doesn't take bending over backward and ripping your heart out just to be happy with them, just for some of the time. I miss the good, but at the same time, in retrospect, we are both so much better off. He's with Shannon, and happy. And at first it hurt and I was jealous and I couldn't stand it - To think about it, to look at him, to hear his voice...I hated it. But now it doesn't hurt. And it's wonderful to see him smile. And now it even makes me smile. I just hope that he doesn't get hurt and this is what he wants and or needs.
But rewinding a little, while I was so hurt and broken and TJ could offer me no solace, by no fault of his, I had Eric. And somewhere in the midst of me being broken, Eric fell in love with me. And I guess the whole while, I loved him too. I never really thought of it, I always just needed someone to talk to because my heart was only with TJ. And all the while Eric was trying to tell me that he wanted to be with me and all I could say was how much I was in love with TJ. I guess, in the end, I was just afraid to let go because I was comfortable with TJ. But now, as this whole thing really hit me, I know that I don't have to be afraid with Eric. With TJ I was always afraid that I was going to fall and hit the ground hard - and in the end, I did. Harder than I thought I would. But that's the person that Eric says he loves, the person who has nowhere to fall. And that's where he has met me at. I have no fear of falling and breaking now because I have nowhere to go.
I guess all I'm really trying to say is that tonight I have somewhere found closure to a year and a half. And it isn't bitter, and it's not to say I don't love you TJ. I do. You know I always will. But you're just my best friend now. And I'm okay with that. And I think we're both happy. We have closure and I didn't even have to kill your cat (It's a good day when you can work the Saints in). I can finally do it now though: I can just be there for you and we won't get hurt. You have your best friend, and a girlfriend that you are happy with. I have my best friend (I hope) and someone who loves me, even the me that was already so screwed up. Things are finally going right, and have nowhere to go but up.
<3<3
And when TJ and I were done,yeah, I was heart broken. And this isn't to say that it doesn't hurt, part of it still does. But I'm okay now. And I guess I'm just having an epiphany over all of this and I need to say it.
TJ and I had a lot of hurt in our relationship, and we had a lot of good too. But love shouldn't be that hard. There has to be someone out there for everyone that it doesn't take bending over backward and ripping your heart out just to be happy with them, just for some of the time. I miss the good, but at the same time, in retrospect, we are both so much better off. He's with Shannon, and happy. And at first it hurt and I was jealous and I couldn't stand it - To think about it, to look at him, to hear his voice...I hated it. But now it doesn't hurt. And it's wonderful to see him smile. And now it even makes me smile. I just hope that he doesn't get hurt and this is what he wants and or needs.
But rewinding a little, while I was so hurt and broken and TJ could offer me no solace, by no fault of his, I had Eric. And somewhere in the midst of me being broken, Eric fell in love with me. And I guess the whole while, I loved him too. I never really thought of it, I always just needed someone to talk to because my heart was only with TJ. And all the while Eric was trying to tell me that he wanted to be with me and all I could say was how much I was in love with TJ. I guess, in the end, I was just afraid to let go because I was comfortable with TJ. But now, as this whole thing really hit me, I know that I don't have to be afraid with Eric. With TJ I was always afraid that I was going to fall and hit the ground hard - and in the end, I did. Harder than I thought I would. But that's the person that Eric says he loves, the person who has nowhere to fall. And that's where he has met me at. I have no fear of falling and breaking now because I have nowhere to go.
I guess all I'm really trying to say is that tonight I have somewhere found closure to a year and a half. And it isn't bitter, and it's not to say I don't love you TJ. I do. You know I always will. But you're just my best friend now. And I'm okay with that. And I think we're both happy. We have closure and I didn't even have to kill your cat (It's a good day when you can work the Saints in). I can finally do it now though: I can just be there for you and we won't get hurt. You have your best friend, and a girlfriend that you are happy with. I have my best friend (I hope) and someone who loves me, even the me that was already so screwed up. Things are finally going right, and have nowhere to go but up.
<3<3