Isn't it more impt tt I stay happy?
Say wat u like. I'm happy n ttz all tt matters. I want to remain happy. I really want to stay happy.
Are u gonna tear me down? Kill me all over again? Leave me to those wild dogs to chew on, gnaw on?
I refuse to love because I'm scared. Scared tt one day, once again, I'll be left standing in a pit of lava all by myself to burn in my own tears of pain. I'm terrified of having to once again face suicidal thoughts.. Imagining my dead body at the foot of a really tall building. I'm afraid to love because I don't want to feel my heart break again- that awful awful feeling- the physical pain is unbearable..
Falling in love is a risk. It always is. Either she loves u or she doesn't. But me, little cowardly me, doesn't want to face the truth.. It's so easy to say "I love u", to hear "I love you". It's the fulfilment of that sentence, the need to carry out actions tt compliment those 3 words, tt are the hardest.
It's easier to just co-exist. To love from afar.. To see no need to announce those 3 words.. But to instead, subtly thru actions, display that deep rooted love toward another- To engage in deep conversations tt complete each others otherwise scattered thoughts. Love is so easy to find. It's real true love tt will last through ups n downs tt is harder to find. To find one tt would love perfectly such that the love never goes stale nor over-bearing.
I'm still afraid to love.. I'm still afraid to place someone as the axis of my world to rotate to. And when the need to choose arises, to choose the one I have placed in that special important place. I've done tt once n I died over n over in my little lava pit.
Night after night I cried. Everytime I tot of him, i cried. I didn't want those damn tears to flow. They just did- it was a natural reaction to the pain I felt inside. I wanted to die. To just stab myself where it hurt the most in a bid to stop the pain.
Will you kill me too? Or will you love me for me? Will you be able to accept me as a broken individual, incapable of feeling deep enough emotions because she was hurt beyond repair once? Will you let me love you in my imperfect way? Will you be the one that would not judge me?
Will you just be yourself and not try to be something you aren't for me? Will you be real, human, for me? Will you let me be the one that sees you at your worst so that I will fall in love with the messy person tt wakes up with morning breath n messy hair, the one that throws a horrid temper when something doesn't go right, the one that burps and farts and pukes when the frail body decides to act up? Will you let me be the one that sees you cry when the feeling of sadness or pain takes over? Will you let me wipe away those tears?
It is only when I can love you at your worst, that I can finally be granted the right to love you at your best.
Saying "I love you" is never enough. Instead, Let me show you just how much I can love you.
Let me love you, please... I want to be happy again...
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