Half Won Battles (Update)
"Knowledge is half the battle."
Well, you can't half-win a battle... you either fully lose it or you win it; and either way, there are costs and benefits.
I'm chiselling clay tablets for the next couple of weeks... very soul-killing and a combination of under-sleeping and ... a myriad of negative emotions which I'd like to be rid off ... have left me with low energy and being generally uncreative and, at best, passive if not self-defeating at worse.
However, I decided to take actions, no matter how small, to improve things... so, I woke up from an extended nap not too long ago, and I went to Chi Kung, and I moved this PC to a place which is at least 4 degrees F. cooler than before (makes a big difference, but still not coll enough). I wrote part of a short story at work... yesterday, I think... the days are blurring together but I dated it... and I think I partially did it to demonstrate to myself how much more creative I am, when I'm not over-heating.
The things is, I don't need to run the AC at a very high blast, since the two rooms will be easy to insulate, and I would only need to drop the temp. to around 25 C or so in order to be comfortable.... this is me once again justifying it to myself....
The justification isn't what is really lacking, though... it's the will to drive the way... I've always been sacrificing myself (I think it's a bad side-effect of society which equates open selfishness and self-preservation, even, with evil and destruction of others, a zero-sum fallacy big enough to drive several ideologies through).
I'm doing things from day to day but I feel rather detached, which might not be bad in itself but I also feel unable to summon any enthusiasm. The last time something like this happened, I forced a dramatic change... which I don't regret per se but I'd like to actually know what is going on with my emotions and deal with it on a close-to-source-of-problem level, rather than shifiting the axis of my world and shaking up things violently until a randomly better life framework drops out.
The analytical way is more mature, ne? And has less unplesant side-effects.
I really "shouldn't" be this tired; but actually, I haven't been doing anyhting to build up my energy.... I went to Chi Kung class earlier today but it was a brief class and I was in a "suspended sleep" (tired yet unable to sleep) for most of it. Well, I ate about 4x my normal amount today, possibly since I haven't really been eating much the past couple of days... only lunch... and I think that and the "nap" earlier helped a lot. I remember the phone ringing but I didn't get out of bed to answer it until 9 p.m.; I had about an hour of rest... which doesn't seem like enough, rationally speaking.
So, I'm going to back to bed, for now.
Well, you can't half-win a battle... you either fully lose it or you win it; and either way, there are costs and benefits.
I'm chiselling clay tablets for the next couple of weeks... very soul-killing and a combination of under-sleeping and ... a myriad of negative emotions which I'd like to be rid off ... have left me with low energy and being generally uncreative and, at best, passive if not self-defeating at worse.
However, I decided to take actions, no matter how small, to improve things... so, I woke up from an extended nap not too long ago, and I went to Chi Kung, and I moved this PC to a place which is at least 4 degrees F. cooler than before (makes a big difference, but still not coll enough). I wrote part of a short story at work... yesterday, I think... the days are blurring together but I dated it... and I think I partially did it to demonstrate to myself how much more creative I am, when I'm not over-heating.
The things is, I don't need to run the AC at a very high blast, since the two rooms will be easy to insulate, and I would only need to drop the temp. to around 25 C or so in order to be comfortable.... this is me once again justifying it to myself....
The justification isn't what is really lacking, though... it's the will to drive the way... I've always been sacrificing myself (I think it's a bad side-effect of society which equates open selfishness and self-preservation, even, with evil and destruction of others, a zero-sum fallacy big enough to drive several ideologies through).
I'm doing things from day to day but I feel rather detached, which might not be bad in itself but I also feel unable to summon any enthusiasm. The last time something like this happened, I forced a dramatic change... which I don't regret per se but I'd like to actually know what is going on with my emotions and deal with it on a close-to-source-of-problem level, rather than shifiting the axis of my world and shaking up things violently until a randomly better life framework drops out.
The analytical way is more mature, ne? And has less unplesant side-effects.
I really "shouldn't" be this tired; but actually, I haven't been doing anyhting to build up my energy.... I went to Chi Kung class earlier today but it was a brief class and I was in a "suspended sleep" (tired yet unable to sleep) for most of it. Well, I ate about 4x my normal amount today, possibly since I haven't really been eating much the past couple of days... only lunch... and I think that and the "nap" earlier helped a lot. I remember the phone ringing but I didn't get out of bed to answer it until 9 p.m.; I had about an hour of rest... which doesn't seem like enough, rationally speaking.
So, I'm going to back to bed, for now.