Production (actualizing desires vs blind comformance)
This continues from my previous post, Role versus Expression.
To be honest, I wanted to find a better word than "production", because it sounds a bit ambiguous... but no matter, I settled on common words for the concepts that I'm using in my system because they're easier to remember and ultimately, I want to be able to use the system "in anger" rather than refer to my notes.
So, anyhow... if expression is artistic and personal, then production is technical and professional. However, it is different from taking a "work role" or wearing a uniform. In the latter case, your actions are largely dictated by the system which you're within, by intention or implication. For example, every McDonalds is designed to work identical to every other McDonalds, and the people within are expected to act within very specific guidelines.
They would use the word "productive" to describe someone who comforms to these guidelines, but despite the ambiguity, I'm using the word production in a totally different sense.
Production is the process of actualizing a desire. It requires creativity, self-awareness, and some degree of planning. Most of all, it requires self-dependence, and self-love. Although it helps to have a supportive environment, all but the most hostile of environments are powerless in the face of someone who confidently engages in production.
Confidence, is also a word I'm using in a special way, to mean doubless faith (in oneself). I'll get to that later, though.
Now, when I mentioned earlier that I was had the habit of acting in various roles, and found this to be negative, and tricked myself into being expressive since it was similar to performing a role (I'm the blogger, watch me blog)... I eventually needed to trick myself less because the practice of the expression built my capability to keep expressing.
The brain is something like a computer, but it is more accurate to say that computers are very limited, simplified, much less potent forms of brains. One of the things that is hard to do with computers is make them faster at doing something through practice. Instead, we generally use brute-force methods of using faster components.
The human brain is different, though... it gets better at things with practice. Some theories suggest that we're all born, or at least quickly develop in early childhood, certain neurological pathways which make it easier to process certain types of information, and this differs from person to person, and does not have even a high biological or environmental correleation. In other words, we all have unique talents.
Nonetheless, anyone will improve with practice... that's a given, "practice makes perfect" is the saying... but this also goes for negative thinking patterns (it is not true of fear itself, but more on that later). The difference between acting in a role and being expressive is a matter of motivation: conformance or diversion for roles, versus artistic expression, or producing desires as actual results. From anyone else's perspective, it might be difficult to tell what my motivations were for anything that I wrote... it might even seem like splitting hairs, or like something trivial.
For me, though, it is very important because it makes me unhappy to fufill roles continually, even if I am good at it... it frustrates me to try and fail to express myself, and it bothers me greatly if I fail to produce the results that I want.
I'm guessing that it's true for everyone, and reading that back, it looks obvious, but since "evil prevails", it's worth saying it... by that I mean that, if I was happy, I won't prob. have bothered to think about these thigns in the first place... and if I could be happy by just choosing a different role to play, then I would prob. do that... but I won't be happy just by that, because the lack of expression and production are the problem, and I can only be positive by changing the attitudes I take in the present and as the future comes along.
There's a cost to this, perhaps... "others" get accustomed to particular patterns... even if a change is for the better, if I choose to express myself rather than to fufill a role, then maybe my social environment will react negatively. Fitting into a given position and mistaking it for my own identity ("I am my job") is a lot easier than consciously using resources to produce results, esp. if you've failed to do so before... in fact, I never had very much confidence in my own capability of making anything valuable direct, so I lack the confidence I need for production (there's plenty of doubt).
These cost, though, have to be weighed against benefits... or, against the costs of changing nothing.
In the past, I actually thought that my own happiness was not important... I said so explicitly... that was was important was to essentially make the system happy. The concept of actually feeling happy and generally glad to be alive, I assumed wasn't in the cards for me... the only time I was in touch with my emotions was when I was experiencing or remembering something painful... so, even though I wouldn't have used those worlds, my life was constant suffering intersped with moments of distraction.
As time went on, it got worse, and I got more concerned with myself... I tried (back in my preteens) to expain this to people, but they didn't understand what I was worried about... I mean, how could they, anyways? It's taken me maybe half my life to put the pieces together and get a theoretical understand of what's happening, but it is not that the theory was difficult to understnad per se, but rather, the backdrop of "you're not important" and "just shut up and comply" were the kinds of thoughts that dominated my thinking.
Changing nothing means, ultimately, that I would be choosing to sacrifice myself... and all I would gain would be the transient approval of people who, for the most part, haven't been able to interact deeply with me, in any case... and who wouldn't be interested, in the case of them being either soul-less or interested in what I provided rather than who I am.
Whilst the specifics are still undiscovered, setting the right polarity on this level of social interaction is probally one of a dozen very important things which I've chosen to change in my life.
Choices, however, do not imply decisions nor the production of results.
In retrospect, we look at results and confuse them with choices... but, even if we are usually unaware of it, there is a long chain between choice and result.
Now, I've made the choice, but, I haven't been well enough prepared... my old habits of fufilling roles without trying to express myself, and of focusing on conforming to roles rather than focusing on actualizing desires, because all of this expression and production stuff is hard. It is easier to fit within the grooves that society makes than to make you own path, esp. if your environment lacks any form of support....
However, in the environmental side, I won't be able to attract support without the active focus on expression and production. Shallow masks formed by roles may social contacts and society on the whole, but they won't ubuild the confidence and capabilities that I need to effectively and efficiently use resources. Without that can-do attitude, the path to support, or "positive synergy" to use the buzzword, will remain closed due to my own attitude.
Basically, I've learned over the past few years that it is not enough for me to continue to fufill roles. It leave me drained, frustrated, and increasingly unmotivated.
By expressing myself to myself, analysing what I was saying, and expressing some more, I eventually developed a model based loosely on Jung's model of consciousness (but customized to my own way of thinking, I suppose) which included the total person (including social environment and conceptual framework, even cosmic intelligence/diety), and used this to make changes to my thinking.
These changes to my thinking helped me to develop a greater capability for expression, remove some of the surpressive thought patterns that had restrained my emtions, shed light on my subconcious thought paters, bypass fears, manage uncertaincies by converting them into continguency plans, and eliminate doubt....
This made me aware of a war within me, between the traditional way and the desired way which had been repressed and ignored. For a while, the traditional way was winning but as I kept becoming more aware of my true emtotions, and kept refering back to the model which started my mind rationally examining the prevailing thought patterns, my attitudes changed a bit and a journey of progress began.
All of this expression really, it might be better if I do it privately... so for a while, that was what I was doing, esp. in the case where I brought up a lot of negativity that was buried for a while, or something... partly, too, I don't consider myself majorly successful so I fear I might be just leading people astray, creating a false impression, or focusing on minor things at the expense of major things....
But, ultimately, there's at time and place for everything...
This started as the place where I express myself freely, and although I use "offline" stuff like notebooks and even computer files (I don't trust digital storage, but lack a printer right now so I handwrite stuff that I want to preserve), I'd like this to remain a place where I express myself freely, and so I decided that it was the time to resume doing so....
Also, it is clear to me now that even if I have trouble implementing the theory, the main problems are things like lack of consistently high self-awareness, self-discipline, and environmental challenges... in other words, it's not that the theory is flawed or keeping me back, but rather, things which shifting my attitude would help with, if not totally overcome, are the major problems... if anything, I need to keep the theory more in the forefront of my mind.
As much as my ego would like to play the role of a wise, happy, greatly accomplished person, and the the difference between resources and capability is invisible to zombies, I can't keep using a flawed pattern of thinking, so, I might be focusing on this for a while....
Feel free to just skip over it, I don't think it will be very interesting, but you're welcome to read it.
To be honest, I wanted to find a better word than "production", because it sounds a bit ambiguous... but no matter, I settled on common words for the concepts that I'm using in my system because they're easier to remember and ultimately, I want to be able to use the system "in anger" rather than refer to my notes.
So, anyhow... if expression is artistic and personal, then production is technical and professional. However, it is different from taking a "work role" or wearing a uniform. In the latter case, your actions are largely dictated by the system which you're within, by intention or implication. For example, every McDonalds is designed to work identical to every other McDonalds, and the people within are expected to act within very specific guidelines.
They would use the word "productive" to describe someone who comforms to these guidelines, but despite the ambiguity, I'm using the word production in a totally different sense.
Production is the process of actualizing a desire. It requires creativity, self-awareness, and some degree of planning. Most of all, it requires self-dependence, and self-love. Although it helps to have a supportive environment, all but the most hostile of environments are powerless in the face of someone who confidently engages in production.
Confidence, is also a word I'm using in a special way, to mean doubless faith (in oneself). I'll get to that later, though.
Now, when I mentioned earlier that I was had the habit of acting in various roles, and found this to be negative, and tricked myself into being expressive since it was similar to performing a role (I'm the blogger, watch me blog)... I eventually needed to trick myself less because the practice of the expression built my capability to keep expressing.
The brain is something like a computer, but it is more accurate to say that computers are very limited, simplified, much less potent forms of brains. One of the things that is hard to do with computers is make them faster at doing something through practice. Instead, we generally use brute-force methods of using faster components.
The human brain is different, though... it gets better at things with practice. Some theories suggest that we're all born, or at least quickly develop in early childhood, certain neurological pathways which make it easier to process certain types of information, and this differs from person to person, and does not have even a high biological or environmental correleation. In other words, we all have unique talents.
Nonetheless, anyone will improve with practice... that's a given, "practice makes perfect" is the saying... but this also goes for negative thinking patterns (it is not true of fear itself, but more on that later). The difference between acting in a role and being expressive is a matter of motivation: conformance or diversion for roles, versus artistic expression, or producing desires as actual results. From anyone else's perspective, it might be difficult to tell what my motivations were for anything that I wrote... it might even seem like splitting hairs, or like something trivial.
For me, though, it is very important because it makes me unhappy to fufill roles continually, even if I am good at it... it frustrates me to try and fail to express myself, and it bothers me greatly if I fail to produce the results that I want.
I'm guessing that it's true for everyone, and reading that back, it looks obvious, but since "evil prevails", it's worth saying it... by that I mean that, if I was happy, I won't prob. have bothered to think about these thigns in the first place... and if I could be happy by just choosing a different role to play, then I would prob. do that... but I won't be happy just by that, because the lack of expression and production are the problem, and I can only be positive by changing the attitudes I take in the present and as the future comes along.
There's a cost to this, perhaps... "others" get accustomed to particular patterns... even if a change is for the better, if I choose to express myself rather than to fufill a role, then maybe my social environment will react negatively. Fitting into a given position and mistaking it for my own identity ("I am my job") is a lot easier than consciously using resources to produce results, esp. if you've failed to do so before... in fact, I never had very much confidence in my own capability of making anything valuable direct, so I lack the confidence I need for production (there's plenty of doubt).
These cost, though, have to be weighed against benefits... or, against the costs of changing nothing.
In the past, I actually thought that my own happiness was not important... I said so explicitly... that was was important was to essentially make the system happy. The concept of actually feeling happy and generally glad to be alive, I assumed wasn't in the cards for me... the only time I was in touch with my emotions was when I was experiencing or remembering something painful... so, even though I wouldn't have used those worlds, my life was constant suffering intersped with moments of distraction.
As time went on, it got worse, and I got more concerned with myself... I tried (back in my preteens) to expain this to people, but they didn't understand what I was worried about... I mean, how could they, anyways? It's taken me maybe half my life to put the pieces together and get a theoretical understand of what's happening, but it is not that the theory was difficult to understnad per se, but rather, the backdrop of "you're not important" and "just shut up and comply" were the kinds of thoughts that dominated my thinking.
Changing nothing means, ultimately, that I would be choosing to sacrifice myself... and all I would gain would be the transient approval of people who, for the most part, haven't been able to interact deeply with me, in any case... and who wouldn't be interested, in the case of them being either soul-less or interested in what I provided rather than who I am.
Whilst the specifics are still undiscovered, setting the right polarity on this level of social interaction is probally one of a dozen very important things which I've chosen to change in my life.
Choices, however, do not imply decisions nor the production of results.
In retrospect, we look at results and confuse them with choices... but, even if we are usually unaware of it, there is a long chain between choice and result.
Now, I've made the choice, but, I haven't been well enough prepared... my old habits of fufilling roles without trying to express myself, and of focusing on conforming to roles rather than focusing on actualizing desires, because all of this expression and production stuff is hard. It is easier to fit within the grooves that society makes than to make you own path, esp. if your environment lacks any form of support....
However, in the environmental side, I won't be able to attract support without the active focus on expression and production. Shallow masks formed by roles may social contacts and society on the whole, but they won't ubuild the confidence and capabilities that I need to effectively and efficiently use resources. Without that can-do attitude, the path to support, or "positive synergy" to use the buzzword, will remain closed due to my own attitude.
Basically, I've learned over the past few years that it is not enough for me to continue to fufill roles. It leave me drained, frustrated, and increasingly unmotivated.
By expressing myself to myself, analysing what I was saying, and expressing some more, I eventually developed a model based loosely on Jung's model of consciousness (but customized to my own way of thinking, I suppose) which included the total person (including social environment and conceptual framework, even cosmic intelligence/diety), and used this to make changes to my thinking.
These changes to my thinking helped me to develop a greater capability for expression, remove some of the surpressive thought patterns that had restrained my emtions, shed light on my subconcious thought paters, bypass fears, manage uncertaincies by converting them into continguency plans, and eliminate doubt....
This made me aware of a war within me, between the traditional way and the desired way which had been repressed and ignored. For a while, the traditional way was winning but as I kept becoming more aware of my true emtotions, and kept refering back to the model which started my mind rationally examining the prevailing thought patterns, my attitudes changed a bit and a journey of progress began.
All of this expression really, it might be better if I do it privately... so for a while, that was what I was doing, esp. in the case where I brought up a lot of negativity that was buried for a while, or something... partly, too, I don't consider myself majorly successful so I fear I might be just leading people astray, creating a false impression, or focusing on minor things at the expense of major things....
But, ultimately, there's at time and place for everything...
This started as the place where I express myself freely, and although I use "offline" stuff like notebooks and even computer files (I don't trust digital storage, but lack a printer right now so I handwrite stuff that I want to preserve), I'd like this to remain a place where I express myself freely, and so I decided that it was the time to resume doing so....
Also, it is clear to me now that even if I have trouble implementing the theory, the main problems are things like lack of consistently high self-awareness, self-discipline, and environmental challenges... in other words, it's not that the theory is flawed or keeping me back, but rather, things which shifting my attitude would help with, if not totally overcome, are the major problems... if anything, I need to keep the theory more in the forefront of my mind.
As much as my ego would like to play the role of a wise, happy, greatly accomplished person, and the the difference between resources and capability is invisible to zombies, I can't keep using a flawed pattern of thinking, so, I might be focusing on this for a while....
Feel free to just skip over it, I don't think it will be very interesting, but you're welcome to read it.