Optimism and faking it
I have one hour before I need to pack my shit up and go pick up Laura. I am sitting in the Library ar a fairly comfortable table which provides me minimal foot traffic distractions, window view for ample sunlight and cool construction people building stuff just in case I do want to be distracted from my work. I try to set myself up in these situation when I have to get shit done because I am very easily distracted by people. Just normal conversation, or even walking by me makes me look up to see who it is and weather or not it has boobs. I feel like when I do give myself the right atmosphere I am fairly successful at studying or getting homework done. It has been a few years since I really had to buckle down and learn. I feel like I am doing a good job but I am still reverting back to my old habits of being just good enough. It gets me through the day but I am not really proud of it. I like to be smart, it makes me feel good. I like to think that coming back to school after a few years working has given me a new sense of appreciation for learning and success but I lose it on a daily basis. I get stuck in the bad habits of watching tv and wanting to play. I guess the real motivation is to not feel dumb, not waste money (after paying 12 months of student loans I realize it better fucking be worth it) and most of all graduate and provide for myself and what I am most positive is going to be a full and wonderful family.
My life is most certainly here and I don't want to postpone the important stuff anymore. Most of all I want to be happy though. I think that is why I have made many of the decisions I have over the past 3 years or so. Well I guess I have always done what has made me happy but I have never really taken many risks. I have just done what I was good at.
Taking a risk or two has proven to be very healthy for me. Recently in the past 12 months I have quit 2 jobs, gotten engaged, moved twice, bought 2 cats, started school for the fourth time, and learned to play rugby and not break anything.
Everything out here is going well. We are (besides last week) eating healthy, though it seems like we eat the same 7 meals every two weeks. I have been reading for classes when I never did before. I have installed new mufflers on my motorcycle for better or worse they look sweet. I have found that it is harder to make friends than I thought but I am still Optimistic. It really kinda scars me because I still don't know what acceptable social forum I can use to meet and engage new people. I am a very relaxed person and usually let people come to me. It is kinda out of my comfort zone to seek out people. I tried with the rugby team but it was either people I would never associate with or me 5 years ago, a me I wouldn't associate with today...
Friends are vital to my survival even though I have never been one to have a "best friend". I am the guy that is friends with everyone. Everyone knows me and would love to hang out with me. Don't get me wrong, I creep out almost every girl I meet but it is an endearing creepout, one you can learn to love.
The funny part about friends is sure I miss my buddies back in Michigan but I don't "miss" them. I don't sit and think that things would be better if I was back with them, or they were here with me. They are fairly replaceable in the fact that I just need social interaction. again, don;t get me wrong, my good friends are irreplaceable and I would go to the ends of the earth for many of them, but I just need some buddies to be a jackass with, and talk about shit that relates to my life.
Living with laura has proven to be pretty doable, I am very glad that I moved up to Mt P. with her for a few months before we got out here, it would have been a little shock for me. I get cought up in feeling like a victim when I am cranky or tired because it seems like our apartment is always messy. we are both people that tend not to put shit away unless it will smell or die so that leaves a lot of dishes and clothes out all over. We are pretty good about atacking it all at once but that happens like once a week and I find myself getting stressed when I need to study and there is shit everywhere.
I have found in all fairness that I am responsable (to my own prefrence) for the cooking, general cleanup, and daily chores. I am very ok with it but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and my own analtendancies have stuck me with the responsibility. I am sure I will learn a better balance of handling the daily routine of living with an equal partner. I just find myself sometimes wanting to do as much as I can to promote her success because she certainly has more riding on her studies than I do. I dont mean to take away from my own success but I will graduate with my bacheolors just like thousands and thousands of other people, She however will be getting her Phd which is not so easy to come by.
I am not waiting for "my time" I just want to do what I can while I can do it. In another week I will be working 5 hours a night, god help me while I am in class. Not sure this was the best decision starting work at the end of the semester but what would my life be without risks and taking chances. Whats the worst thing that heppens?
Sorry to anyone who finished reading this because of my sp and grammar. I just started typing and didnt stop til I got bored.
My life is most certainly here and I don't want to postpone the important stuff anymore. Most of all I want to be happy though. I think that is why I have made many of the decisions I have over the past 3 years or so. Well I guess I have always done what has made me happy but I have never really taken many risks. I have just done what I was good at.
Taking a risk or two has proven to be very healthy for me. Recently in the past 12 months I have quit 2 jobs, gotten engaged, moved twice, bought 2 cats, started school for the fourth time, and learned to play rugby and not break anything.
Everything out here is going well. We are (besides last week) eating healthy, though it seems like we eat the same 7 meals every two weeks. I have been reading for classes when I never did before. I have installed new mufflers on my motorcycle for better or worse they look sweet. I have found that it is harder to make friends than I thought but I am still Optimistic. It really kinda scars me because I still don't know what acceptable social forum I can use to meet and engage new people. I am a very relaxed person and usually let people come to me. It is kinda out of my comfort zone to seek out people. I tried with the rugby team but it was either people I would never associate with or me 5 years ago, a me I wouldn't associate with today...
Friends are vital to my survival even though I have never been one to have a "best friend". I am the guy that is friends with everyone. Everyone knows me and would love to hang out with me. Don't get me wrong, I creep out almost every girl I meet but it is an endearing creepout, one you can learn to love.
The funny part about friends is sure I miss my buddies back in Michigan but I don't "miss" them. I don't sit and think that things would be better if I was back with them, or they were here with me. They are fairly replaceable in the fact that I just need social interaction. again, don;t get me wrong, my good friends are irreplaceable and I would go to the ends of the earth for many of them, but I just need some buddies to be a jackass with, and talk about shit that relates to my life.
Living with laura has proven to be pretty doable, I am very glad that I moved up to Mt P. with her for a few months before we got out here, it would have been a little shock for me. I get cought up in feeling like a victim when I am cranky or tired because it seems like our apartment is always messy. we are both people that tend not to put shit away unless it will smell or die so that leaves a lot of dishes and clothes out all over. We are pretty good about atacking it all at once but that happens like once a week and I find myself getting stressed when I need to study and there is shit everywhere.
I have found in all fairness that I am responsable (to my own prefrence) for the cooking, general cleanup, and daily chores. I am very ok with it but sometimes I feel overwhelmed and my own analtendancies have stuck me with the responsibility. I am sure I will learn a better balance of handling the daily routine of living with an equal partner. I just find myself sometimes wanting to do as much as I can to promote her success because she certainly has more riding on her studies than I do. I dont mean to take away from my own success but I will graduate with my bacheolors just like thousands and thousands of other people, She however will be getting her Phd which is not so easy to come by.
I am not waiting for "my time" I just want to do what I can while I can do it. In another week I will be working 5 hours a night, god help me while I am in class. Not sure this was the best decision starting work at the end of the semester but what would my life be without risks and taking chances. Whats the worst thing that heppens?
Sorry to anyone who finished reading this because of my sp and grammar. I just started typing and didnt stop til I got bored.