two things turned two dozen things
two things happened to me today that really got me thinking about myself. Josh and I were talking about how we first started dating and how we were personality wise back then. I was working graveyard. I was a size ten wearing red lipstick every day and driving my camaro, while taking automotive classes at mcc. Then today when we were leaving for barnes n noble i noticed a 79 camaro outside in the parking lot of the apartment complex. I just had to take a long good look at it and josh took a phone call and stepped away. it was all fixed up and GORGEOUS. I must have been staring to long cause the owner came out in his camos and started talking to me about it. He introduced himself and we were talking about his car and mine and it was really the first time that I've seen josh jealous, even though it wasn't really jealous. He just introduced himself and made sure to call me sweetie to establish himself. Honestly though, that car was amazing. he even was nice enough to start it for me and i needed some new underwear.
but it really got me thinking. i don't wear my lipstick anymore, and don't have that many friends either. I want to go to car shows and roller derbies. I need to dig out my hot rod magazines. I need more tattoos. i use to be more interesting. at least i think. i want to do more things, like rock climb, go ice blocking again, I want to go to Boston just to see a red socks game. I want to go to concerts. I want to jump. off a roof into a pool, or off a cliff into a lake. on a trampoline.
At least i can start wearing my lipstick again right away. I'm pretty sure i'm going to the roller derby on the 12th. I'm watching my favorite movie American Graffiti which helps.
my main setback is money. i don't have the money to do these things. i don't have enough for school let alone enough to be myself. On the other hand, if i need to be myself i can find the means to do so. just takes some good thrift store hunting and knowing people.
I've been thinking about my past a lot lately. I'm in the car alone for three to five times a week for at least a half an hour at a time so i start to think and then get inside my head and then i realize five minutes later that i'm still driving and its a little scary.
i think about james and how bad i feel about actually dating for four months when i actually didn't like him.
i think about scott and how it would have never ever worked out because he is nine years older than me and has commitment issues since his wife cheated on him. it doesn't matter how awesome rockabilly he is or that his last name was Booe and if we got married i would be Becka Booe.
I think about stan and all the possible reasons we would decide to stop talking and seeing me without an explanation. he can apologize to me on facebook, but can't meet with me to explain what the hell happened when i thought everything was going well.
i think about geoff and how i did that to him, but didn't really mean to. not wanting to jump into anything serious after being hurt but having that feeling there. i really handled it the wrong way. doesn't matter though cause i know he's happy now.
then i think of andy and i get soooo mad. I get mad about the things that he did to me. i get mad that they outweigh any good things that happen. i get mad that i still get so mad about him. i get mad that i use up so much energy thinking about him. i use up so much energy being mad about all of it, i hate it. i don't want to even care anymore. i'm tired of that being a deal at all.
i wish that i could see them all and get things out and behind me. i'm ready to be a different person. one that is better at communication, feelings and relationships. i'm ready to be a person who is honest and forgiving.
I started to when i came clean about everything with my family. I told them everything i've been holding back and i do feel the weight off my shoulders. i feel so relieved even though they haven't changed anything. i don't expect them to open up to me but part of the reason i was so upset and i know that they were was because i didn't feel that i could go to them with these things. and i don't. i don't feel like i can go to them for comfort or support with anything. but they aren't trying to change that. they aren't trying to be the kind of person i can go to, the kind of family that is supportive.
i just need to make sure that i am that type of person that people can feel that way about.
i don't know where i was going but i feel a changing coming on. i just need to be a little less lazy. already started down that road. finally dyed some of my hair purple. pretty happy with myself.
but it really got me thinking. i don't wear my lipstick anymore, and don't have that many friends either. I want to go to car shows and roller derbies. I need to dig out my hot rod magazines. I need more tattoos. i use to be more interesting. at least i think. i want to do more things, like rock climb, go ice blocking again, I want to go to Boston just to see a red socks game. I want to go to concerts. I want to jump. off a roof into a pool, or off a cliff into a lake. on a trampoline.
At least i can start wearing my lipstick again right away. I'm pretty sure i'm going to the roller derby on the 12th. I'm watching my favorite movie American Graffiti which helps.
my main setback is money. i don't have the money to do these things. i don't have enough for school let alone enough to be myself. On the other hand, if i need to be myself i can find the means to do so. just takes some good thrift store hunting and knowing people.
I've been thinking about my past a lot lately. I'm in the car alone for three to five times a week for at least a half an hour at a time so i start to think and then get inside my head and then i realize five minutes later that i'm still driving and its a little scary.
i think about james and how bad i feel about actually dating for four months when i actually didn't like him.
i think about scott and how it would have never ever worked out because he is nine years older than me and has commitment issues since his wife cheated on him. it doesn't matter how awesome rockabilly he is or that his last name was Booe and if we got married i would be Becka Booe.
I think about stan and all the possible reasons we would decide to stop talking and seeing me without an explanation. he can apologize to me on facebook, but can't meet with me to explain what the hell happened when i thought everything was going well.
i think about geoff and how i did that to him, but didn't really mean to. not wanting to jump into anything serious after being hurt but having that feeling there. i really handled it the wrong way. doesn't matter though cause i know he's happy now.
then i think of andy and i get soooo mad. I get mad about the things that he did to me. i get mad that they outweigh any good things that happen. i get mad that i still get so mad about him. i get mad that i use up so much energy thinking about him. i use up so much energy being mad about all of it, i hate it. i don't want to even care anymore. i'm tired of that being a deal at all.
i wish that i could see them all and get things out and behind me. i'm ready to be a different person. one that is better at communication, feelings and relationships. i'm ready to be a person who is honest and forgiving.
I started to when i came clean about everything with my family. I told them everything i've been holding back and i do feel the weight off my shoulders. i feel so relieved even though they haven't changed anything. i don't expect them to open up to me but part of the reason i was so upset and i know that they were was because i didn't feel that i could go to them with these things. and i don't. i don't feel like i can go to them for comfort or support with anything. but they aren't trying to change that. they aren't trying to be the kind of person i can go to, the kind of family that is supportive.
i just need to make sure that i am that type of person that people can feel that way about.
i don't know where i was going but i feel a changing coming on. i just need to be a little less lazy. already started down that road. finally dyed some of my hair purple. pretty happy with myself.