Status Update: March
I was really, really happy two weeks ago. I'd been more social - sort of, I had just decided to have a real recital, and my apartment was clean.
The apartment is still clean, the recital is a week away, and I still do a few superficially social things; however, I'm basically very, very sad when I'm home.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
When I'm at school, work, rehearsal - I'm in high spirits, and then I get home and feel like crying. I blamed it on PMS last week - but it's persisting, and I'm not really sure what to do about it, and certainly don't have close enough friends here with whom to talk about it - which is probably the heart of the problem: I'm lonely. How is it I didn't have this problem until summer last year, and now that I have more going on than ever, it's not enough?
I haven't been sleeping well; I wake up at four in the morning and can't sleep anymore, or I sleep so restlessly that I must wake up each hour. I practice a lot - but most of it's to fill time that would otherwise be empty (and I'll admit it's not much time on days I'm working, but on my off days? I've been exhausting myself at the university so I can have a reason to go home and crash).
I thought that I was half-dating someone. I still think something's there - but I may have squashed it for the time being and need to encourage it again if I want to pursue it - which I decided too late that I actually did. Of course, he's shy enough that I'm working on a lot of context clues, some dating back to November.
I'm going to start preparing for the Santa Fe Symphony and Phoenix Symphony auditions; hopefully I can snap out of this breakdown and do a decent job of one of them, at least.
The apartment is still clean, the recital is a week away, and I still do a few superficially social things; however, I'm basically very, very sad when I'm home.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
When I'm at school, work, rehearsal - I'm in high spirits, and then I get home and feel like crying. I blamed it on PMS last week - but it's persisting, and I'm not really sure what to do about it, and certainly don't have close enough friends here with whom to talk about it - which is probably the heart of the problem: I'm lonely. How is it I didn't have this problem until summer last year, and now that I have more going on than ever, it's not enough?
I haven't been sleeping well; I wake up at four in the morning and can't sleep anymore, or I sleep so restlessly that I must wake up each hour. I practice a lot - but most of it's to fill time that would otherwise be empty (and I'll admit it's not much time on days I'm working, but on my off days? I've been exhausting myself at the university so I can have a reason to go home and crash).
I thought that I was half-dating someone. I still think something's there - but I may have squashed it for the time being and need to encourage it again if I want to pursue it - which I decided too late that I actually did. Of course, he's shy enough that I'm working on a lot of context clues, some dating back to November.
I'm going to start preparing for the Santa Fe Symphony and Phoenix Symphony auditions; hopefully I can snap out of this breakdown and do a decent job of one of them, at least.