Finally
A moment of clarity despite my heavily sedated, emotionally controlled zombie state. I realized that the reasons I began taking all of these psychiatric drugs on a daily basis (mostly instated nine years ago) was for a reason that no longer exists, and it was a bit of a scam to begin with. Having been through a war zone going thru two back to back episodes of breast cancer followed by the anti-social life of a drug addict where I snorted, smoked and even shot methamphetamine. When it came down to (almost) losing my house and being so very close to being caught and my worst fear labeled as a "drug addict" (I had the cancer victim thing going on) I finally quit.
I should remember I have this determination that I could just decide 'times up' and end a three year run. I just decided to quit and I did, no drama. There was so much drama involved with spending every day looking for the drug, getting it, getting it in me, and all the crazy characters I hung out with. I would never say, "made friends with" because people who do meth do not trust one another. There was a joke that a herion addict would steal your drugs, do them and lie about it, but a speed addict would steal your drugs, do them and help you look for them. I became a tweeker and I'm not even going to go down the road of how it destroyed my life because it was too major, there would be too much to detail and looking back at bad times in not good for your mood. But I do want to stay focused on what it did to my neurotransmitters because that is the path I am going down at the present time.
So, I finally quit and found my mood to be in the craziest, emotionally spiraling down and up and down again mood swings of several lifetimes. Who wouldn't have looked at me and give me the diagnosis of bi-polar, mixed, with psychotic features? I can't blame the doctors. I withheld the information I had been doing meth nonstop for over three years. They would have given me a substance abuse and dependence diagnosis and I would have had a prognosis with some hope. There is no cure for bi-polar disorder, just
variations of the pharmaceutical cocktails.
Well, I knew my synapsis were starving to death for the dopamine and seratonin that had been surging thru my brain each time I had a hit of meth and was not against getting all the help I could get from medications. But it's been nine years now. I should have thought about getting off them long ago. My mood states now range from slightly depressed to severely depressed because I am on a mood stabilizer that caps off your highs and a anti-psychotic that is heavily sedative and makes my body twitch and jump while I lay to sleep. It is this drug, Geodon, that is the one I most want to be off of. I'm not psychotic. That was pretty stupid to get addicted to a heavy narcotic but I wasn't seeing or hearing things that weren't there. I must have said some wierd things to get that medication prescribed. However, it is one of the compound drug mixes for bi-polar disorder whether you are showing psychotic symptoms or not. You just might, so you must also take this heavily sedative anti-psychotic drug that will probably leave you with traces of tardive dysnisia, repetitive and involuntary muscle twitches with your stabilizers and your antidepressants.
OK, then I became a drug addict of a different kind. A pharmaceutical drug addict. Less drama. Most of your friends wouldn't steal any. But it's gotten just as out of hand and has robbed me of almost a decade of my life, I have a drug store. Less organized than a drug store, in fact all mixed up along the side of the bed and sidetable, I have my daily regiment. All of the psych ones are prescribed to me daily, one of the pain med is as needed The one's that are prescribed to me daily are Klonapin (for anxiety), Addarall (for attention-deficit), Wellbutrin (anti-depressant), Remeron (my latest added in antidepressant), and Geodon (to prevent manic states and psychotic features), Lamictal (mood stabilizer-a must in a bi-polar regiment) and Klonapin (benzodiazapene, anti-anxiety. (Great for coming down of the Addarral) . Those are the psychiatric drugs. Next I have opiates for pain relief, Opana (oxy & morphine together) and Hydrocodone (Vicodin). How I have gotten all these drugs prescribed to me on a daily basis took due diligence and a strong addict motivated intent. Even my doctor said that it is like I have my foot on the petal (Addarral ampetamine salts) and my foot on the brake (Klonapine, benzo anti-anxiety).
Somehow, the craziness in all of this is that 1) I do not recognize that I got put on most of these drugs because I was coming off a long, intense run with meth and it is almost a decade ago that that happened 2) I feel like I've got something going on because the side effects of one drug helped me get prescribed the next drug (Abusing Vicodin and then taking the test for attention deficit disorder). I've acted like I'm getting away with something and yet I still haven't returned back to work. Most importantly, I've got all these drugs and I still feel in a depression most all of the time.
So, here goes. I've decided to get off of the majority here, leaving Klonapin and anti-depressants last. I am of firm belief that I will feel better in proportion to the amount of medication (drugs) taken away. Last night I started. I only took one instead of two Geodon and I cut my Lamictal in half. (60 mg Geodon, 100 mg Lamictal). I plan to stop taking the Vicodin because I only take them to feel good and I have a limited supply (they are supposed to be only for migraine headache).
I'll think of it as in two phases: One, get rid of all the drugs that are putting a cap on my normal good affect, namely titrated down til I'm completely off Geodon and Lamictal. I also want to stop taking Addarral and Vicadin.
Phase Two: Completely going holistic. Coming off my anti-depressants and using somethings like Same-e and brain nutrition.
Doing Yoga everyday. Explore other avenues to get relief from my pinched nerve and hopefully not need the Opana either, because it is a heavy narcotic, triplicate.
My baseline is severely depressed. I have been spending almost two months now in bed during the day, not feeding myself til my husband comes home from work (except today! benefits starting), having absolutely no energy. So, I can't go much further down. I can only see myself going up and I believe I will start to feel like my old self again! I want to be happy and creative and having fun adventures again.
Time to quit and I want to do it without any drama like I was able to do with quiting meth. The only difference is that I am going to be my own Psychiatrist and adjust my medications to the mood states I want to be in. I don't mind swinging mood states. It would be better than to be like this, constantly dead, a zombie with a guarantee won't go manic on ya.
I should remember I have this determination that I could just decide 'times up' and end a three year run. I just decided to quit and I did, no drama. There was so much drama involved with spending every day looking for the drug, getting it, getting it in me, and all the crazy characters I hung out with. I would never say, "made friends with" because people who do meth do not trust one another. There was a joke that a herion addict would steal your drugs, do them and lie about it, but a speed addict would steal your drugs, do them and help you look for them. I became a tweeker and I'm not even going to go down the road of how it destroyed my life because it was too major, there would be too much to detail and looking back at bad times in not good for your mood. But I do want to stay focused on what it did to my neurotransmitters because that is the path I am going down at the present time.
So, I finally quit and found my mood to be in the craziest, emotionally spiraling down and up and down again mood swings of several lifetimes. Who wouldn't have looked at me and give me the diagnosis of bi-polar, mixed, with psychotic features? I can't blame the doctors. I withheld the information I had been doing meth nonstop for over three years. They would have given me a substance abuse and dependence diagnosis and I would have had a prognosis with some hope. There is no cure for bi-polar disorder, just
variations of the pharmaceutical cocktails.
Well, I knew my synapsis were starving to death for the dopamine and seratonin that had been surging thru my brain each time I had a hit of meth and was not against getting all the help I could get from medications. But it's been nine years now. I should have thought about getting off them long ago. My mood states now range from slightly depressed to severely depressed because I am on a mood stabilizer that caps off your highs and a anti-psychotic that is heavily sedative and makes my body twitch and jump while I lay to sleep. It is this drug, Geodon, that is the one I most want to be off of. I'm not psychotic. That was pretty stupid to get addicted to a heavy narcotic but I wasn't seeing or hearing things that weren't there. I must have said some wierd things to get that medication prescribed. However, it is one of the compound drug mixes for bi-polar disorder whether you are showing psychotic symptoms or not. You just might, so you must also take this heavily sedative anti-psychotic drug that will probably leave you with traces of tardive dysnisia, repetitive and involuntary muscle twitches with your stabilizers and your antidepressants.
OK, then I became a drug addict of a different kind. A pharmaceutical drug addict. Less drama. Most of your friends wouldn't steal any. But it's gotten just as out of hand and has robbed me of almost a decade of my life, I have a drug store. Less organized than a drug store, in fact all mixed up along the side of the bed and sidetable, I have my daily regiment. All of the psych ones are prescribed to me daily, one of the pain med is as needed The one's that are prescribed to me daily are Klonapin (for anxiety), Addarall (for attention-deficit), Wellbutrin (anti-depressant), Remeron (my latest added in antidepressant), and Geodon (to prevent manic states and psychotic features), Lamictal (mood stabilizer-a must in a bi-polar regiment) and Klonapin (benzodiazapene, anti-anxiety. (Great for coming down of the Addarral) . Those are the psychiatric drugs. Next I have opiates for pain relief, Opana (oxy & morphine together) and Hydrocodone (Vicodin). How I have gotten all these drugs prescribed to me on a daily basis took due diligence and a strong addict motivated intent. Even my doctor said that it is like I have my foot on the petal (Addarral ampetamine salts) and my foot on the brake (Klonapine, benzo anti-anxiety).
Somehow, the craziness in all of this is that 1) I do not recognize that I got put on most of these drugs because I was coming off a long, intense run with meth and it is almost a decade ago that that happened 2) I feel like I've got something going on because the side effects of one drug helped me get prescribed the next drug (Abusing Vicodin and then taking the test for attention deficit disorder). I've acted like I'm getting away with something and yet I still haven't returned back to work. Most importantly, I've got all these drugs and I still feel in a depression most all of the time.
So, here goes. I've decided to get off of the majority here, leaving Klonapin and anti-depressants last. I am of firm belief that I will feel better in proportion to the amount of medication (drugs) taken away. Last night I started. I only took one instead of two Geodon and I cut my Lamictal in half. (60 mg Geodon, 100 mg Lamictal). I plan to stop taking the Vicodin because I only take them to feel good and I have a limited supply (they are supposed to be only for migraine headache).
I'll think of it as in two phases: One, get rid of all the drugs that are putting a cap on my normal good affect, namely titrated down til I'm completely off Geodon and Lamictal. I also want to stop taking Addarral and Vicadin.
Phase Two: Completely going holistic. Coming off my anti-depressants and using somethings like Same-e and brain nutrition.
Doing Yoga everyday. Explore other avenues to get relief from my pinched nerve and hopefully not need the Opana either, because it is a heavy narcotic, triplicate.
My baseline is severely depressed. I have been spending almost two months now in bed during the day, not feeding myself til my husband comes home from work (except today! benefits starting), having absolutely no energy. So, I can't go much further down. I can only see myself going up and I believe I will start to feel like my old self again! I want to be happy and creative and having fun adventures again.
Time to quit and I want to do it without any drama like I was able to do with quiting meth. The only difference is that I am going to be my own Psychiatrist and adjust my medications to the mood states I want to be in. I don't mind swinging mood states. It would be better than to be like this, constantly dead, a zombie with a guarantee won't go manic on ya.