Life: Beware.. its a long one.
It has its ups, its okay days... then its down days in hell.
Honestly life… is just really, eating me lately.
I’m struggling with my diseases, and it’s really getting bad.
For those of you who don’t know, I’m bipolar.
And I also suffer from severe depression.
I know most people know what it is, so I wont further the definition.
But lately, it’s really been getting me, hard.
I came back from a fun but, okay… weekend.
And Sunday night after the race, I broke down. HARD.
For really, no reason at all.
Thankfully, I was talking to two of my best friends at the time...
And they supported me and coaxed me out of doing anything stupid.
Believe me, it might a happened. I was that bad.
I was sitting in the living room crying my eyes out….
Trying to figure out a reason why I belonged on this earth.
But then they set me straight…. Because too many people rely on me.
My friends, first most.
I have 6 best friends that I talk to on an almost constant day-to-day basis.
They both were telling me that they really wouldn’t be able to ever forget me.
I’ve made that impact on their life.
But also my family. I honestly wasn’t thinking…
6 years ago, my mom TRIED to commit suicide my freshman year of high school.
It really devastated the family.
How could I do that to them, again?
And then…… my extended outside family. My NASCAR friends... Crew guys and drivers…
How could I, do something so stupid, especially to my driver, at a time…
When he needs my support more than ever? How could I be so stupid?
So… I threw away the stuff in my purse and cried my eyes out for a good hour...
In my room, where the TV was on, the race… replaying.
Hearing Denny’s voice on the TV really got to me…… I need help.
So I plan on getting some help.
I have a lot of things, on my mind that I really don’t need there anymore.
There’s still times when I walk into a store and can’t look at baby clothes because it brings back sad memories.
Or how I have an unexplainable hatred for skateboarders.
Or why I really do hate my mom and stepdad.
And why I am the way I am.
I have a lot of stuff I have bottled up over the span of 20 years, and its time I finally release it all.
I’m getting help. Finally.
Honestly, I hope life’s changing for the good again though.
I’m hoping to get back in touch with someone who really, had an impact on my life.
A very, powerful and supportive impact.
He made my life better in so many ways, and he’s truly why I am the NASCAR fan, I am today.
And also….. I may be getting a visit for a special someone who has my heart.
The only problem is, he lives in Catawba, NC.
But any who, he’s planning on coming out to see me, and maybe…
I may go back with him. He wants to smuggle me back. (hehe).
I’m not happy here anymore. My life’s not the way it was before I left.
I had friends, I went out, and I had fun.
All I do is take care of my little cousins and sit on my ass all day.
I’m sick of it. Really, I don’t know how much more I can take.
The only reason I’d ever stay was my Grandma….. And I just, I need…space, again.
I hate this horrible heat. I hate Arizona.
I hate the people, the stereotypical people I see on a day to day basis.
I hate how the friends I once had, who I try to make plans with to hang out and catch up, continually ditch me.
I’m fed up.
Home isn’t home anymore. I don’t think it will ever be, again.
Other than that, life’s okay.
Denny finished 3rd on Sunday. Great day…. Confidence wise.
I think they know they can do it. And I agree.
I have SOOOOO much faith in them this weekend.
I know they can do this.
It’s Richmond, and I think it’s time Denny got redemption.
Saturday night I’m gonna be so damn NERVOUS, it isn’t even funny.
Honestly. I’m trying to see if someone wants to hang out...
I hate watching races by myself.
Especially Richmond.
Maybe I’ll get my grandma, and we’ll go watch it at the bar.
My Grandma is… beyond words awesome.
Seriously, people want my grandma as theirs.
My grandma has had the coolest cars the past 6 or so years.
My high school years she had a mini van...
That was pimped out and had like bling bling rims, and we called it the ghetto mobile.
A lot of fun memories in that…
Then she has the car she has now. A little Kia decked out in Dale Jr. and NASCAR.
And it used to have spinners… not real ones, but fake ones…
My friends thought they were the greatest.
But also, shes been my rock. She's been the rock for my friends.
She has faith in me that no one else in my family does.
She believes in me.
Shes truly, an amazing, unbreakable woman.
And I'm lucky to have her.
She’s made me the woman I am today.
And I owe her EVERYTHING for that.
I truly do. I can’t express how much she’s impacted my life.
I love her with my all my heart, and I really don’t know what I’d do without her.
I'm glad I'm moving back in with her next week.
I miss us sitting at the breakfast nook, drinking coffee, watching the races together.
Well any who….. I think I’ve said a lot tonight…
I’m gonna run off and try and finish my damn chapter of one of the many stories I’m writing.
Then maybe go read some Edward/Bella fanfic.
(Yes, I know... they have fanfic for EVERYTHING!)
And pray to god, I get through this weekend…….
Because a driver needs his biggest fan in prime fashion for the important weekend.
It’s gonna be a good one. I got that feeling.
I just… wish I was there this year.
But I’ll have Phoenix. And honestly, it’s an amazing race.
I already have Matty K and Ragan on my ‘to meet’ list.
And sadly, I don’t even like either of em, but I wanna meet all the drivers I can.
So…. I have a plan. LOL.
Well, you’ll hear from me probably Friday, after quals…… hopefully.
As long as some hot guys don’t come steal me and take me to Richmond with them.
*Hasta luega, mi amigas.*
Honestly life… is just really, eating me lately.
I’m struggling with my diseases, and it’s really getting bad.
For those of you who don’t know, I’m bipolar.
And I also suffer from severe depression.
I know most people know what it is, so I wont further the definition.
But lately, it’s really been getting me, hard.
I came back from a fun but, okay… weekend.
And Sunday night after the race, I broke down. HARD.
For really, no reason at all.
Thankfully, I was talking to two of my best friends at the time...
And they supported me and coaxed me out of doing anything stupid.
Believe me, it might a happened. I was that bad.
I was sitting in the living room crying my eyes out….
Trying to figure out a reason why I belonged on this earth.
But then they set me straight…. Because too many people rely on me.
My friends, first most.
I have 6 best friends that I talk to on an almost constant day-to-day basis.
They both were telling me that they really wouldn’t be able to ever forget me.
I’ve made that impact on their life.
But also my family. I honestly wasn’t thinking…
6 years ago, my mom TRIED to commit suicide my freshman year of high school.
It really devastated the family.
How could I do that to them, again?
And then…… my extended outside family. My NASCAR friends... Crew guys and drivers…
How could I, do something so stupid, especially to my driver, at a time…
When he needs my support more than ever? How could I be so stupid?
So… I threw away the stuff in my purse and cried my eyes out for a good hour...
In my room, where the TV was on, the race… replaying.
Hearing Denny’s voice on the TV really got to me…… I need help.
So I plan on getting some help.
I have a lot of things, on my mind that I really don’t need there anymore.
There’s still times when I walk into a store and can’t look at baby clothes because it brings back sad memories.
Or how I have an unexplainable hatred for skateboarders.
Or why I really do hate my mom and stepdad.
And why I am the way I am.
I have a lot of stuff I have bottled up over the span of 20 years, and its time I finally release it all.
I’m getting help. Finally.
Honestly, I hope life’s changing for the good again though.
I’m hoping to get back in touch with someone who really, had an impact on my life.
A very, powerful and supportive impact.
He made my life better in so many ways, and he’s truly why I am the NASCAR fan, I am today.
And also….. I may be getting a visit for a special someone who has my heart.
The only problem is, he lives in Catawba, NC.
But any who, he’s planning on coming out to see me, and maybe…
I may go back with him. He wants to smuggle me back. (hehe).
I’m not happy here anymore. My life’s not the way it was before I left.
I had friends, I went out, and I had fun.
All I do is take care of my little cousins and sit on my ass all day.
I’m sick of it. Really, I don’t know how much more I can take.
The only reason I’d ever stay was my Grandma….. And I just, I need…space, again.
I hate this horrible heat. I hate Arizona.
I hate the people, the stereotypical people I see on a day to day basis.
I hate how the friends I once had, who I try to make plans with to hang out and catch up, continually ditch me.
I’m fed up.
Home isn’t home anymore. I don’t think it will ever be, again.
Other than that, life’s okay.
Denny finished 3rd on Sunday. Great day…. Confidence wise.
I think they know they can do it. And I agree.
I have SOOOOO much faith in them this weekend.
I know they can do this.
It’s Richmond, and I think it’s time Denny got redemption.
Saturday night I’m gonna be so damn NERVOUS, it isn’t even funny.
Honestly. I’m trying to see if someone wants to hang out...
I hate watching races by myself.
Especially Richmond.
Maybe I’ll get my grandma, and we’ll go watch it at the bar.
My Grandma is… beyond words awesome.
Seriously, people want my grandma as theirs.
My grandma has had the coolest cars the past 6 or so years.
My high school years she had a mini van...
That was pimped out and had like bling bling rims, and we called it the ghetto mobile.
A lot of fun memories in that…
Then she has the car she has now. A little Kia decked out in Dale Jr. and NASCAR.
And it used to have spinners… not real ones, but fake ones…
My friends thought they were the greatest.
But also, shes been my rock. She's been the rock for my friends.
She has faith in me that no one else in my family does.
She believes in me.
Shes truly, an amazing, unbreakable woman.
And I'm lucky to have her.
She’s made me the woman I am today.
And I owe her EVERYTHING for that.
I truly do. I can’t express how much she’s impacted my life.
I love her with my all my heart, and I really don’t know what I’d do without her.
I'm glad I'm moving back in with her next week.
I miss us sitting at the breakfast nook, drinking coffee, watching the races together.
Well any who….. I think I’ve said a lot tonight…
I’m gonna run off and try and finish my damn chapter of one of the many stories I’m writing.
Then maybe go read some Edward/Bella fanfic.
(Yes, I know... they have fanfic for EVERYTHING!)
And pray to god, I get through this weekend…….
Because a driver needs his biggest fan in prime fashion for the important weekend.
It’s gonna be a good one. I got that feeling.
I just… wish I was there this year.
But I’ll have Phoenix. And honestly, it’s an amazing race.
I already have Matty K and Ragan on my ‘to meet’ list.
And sadly, I don’t even like either of em, but I wanna meet all the drivers I can.
So…. I have a plan. LOL.
Well, you’ll hear from me probably Friday, after quals…… hopefully.
As long as some hot guys don’t come steal me and take me to Richmond with them.
*Hasta luega, mi amigas.*