Ce n'est pas un 'LJ entry'
Okay, here's what's up. I've got a whole bunch of medium-to-long journal entries in my mental queue, not completely composed yet (which would be convenient because then they'd just take typing-time to post), but I've had a lot of more urgent things on my to-do list and have been too tired and/or too distracted to get to those, and haven't managed to "give myself permission" to spend Active And Focused time composing them while other important stuff remains undone.
I still need to find out how much my emergency room bill will be. I have a lot of (heartfelt!) thank-you notes to write. I have a "how I'm really doing" entry to write. I have unfinished thoughts regarding weapons and violence to set into writeable form. I have a lot of Pennsic prep to do. I have annoying bureaucracies to deal with. I have computers to repair. Bills to pay. Old email to answer. Upcoming scheduling issues to work out. Research to do (the driver I abruptly encountered last month never gave me his insurance information (South Carolina tag "BOBSLED", if anyone can get it faster than I can) and isn't answering my email or my insurer's phone calls). Offers of help to accept -- and figure out exactly how to make use of. Tunes to practice, tunes to transcribe, tunes to finish composing. Kin to visit whom I haven't seen since before their trip to Cyprus. Computers to back up. And a leaking roof to slowly freak out over.
So I've been feeling overwhelmed. Then feeling guilty for feeling overwhelmed. And feeling foolish for feeling guilty. And feeling discombobulated over feeling foolish for how I feel. So that's why y'all haven't seen much more than "quickie" posts and quote-of-the-day entries from me lately. I'm here, I've even got a lot to say -- tales of niftiness as well as moderate woe, and even things that may pass for philosophy; I'm just not coping very well, and feeling that spending the time to compose LJ entries is a luxury. (So what about this one then? I'm typing it stream-of-consciousness and going very quickly and hoping to get it posted very quickly. Y'see, I've also been feeling guilty about neglecting LJ ...)
At least the weather has cooled off, the migraine with which I started the week is gone, and I've rediscovered the theraputic power of "hey-that's-cheating"-flavour[1][2] (blueberry) Jelly Belly jelly beans. I'd forgotten the bag of "hey-that's-cheating" and cognitive-dissonance[3] Jelly Bellys that I'd stashed, and I just found it again. Unfortunately, my arms are hurting rather badly from lugging fallen ceiling plaster and drywall out to the trash yesterday. (It looks like someone in the past just screwed drywall into the old plaster, then later someone applied stucco to the drywall, so the part of the ceiling that fell down included flat chunks and crumbly rock-like chunks, and lots of moldy dust.)
Tonight I'm getting ready for Baitcon, and am running way behind on that as well. So I formed a sort-of-coping plan: I'll make sure I've got the very basics covered -- tent, sleeping bag, meds, clothes, at least one camera, at least seven musical instruments; just the absolute essentials -- and then declare everything else Optional. If I get there without sheet music, oh well. If I get there without photos I wanted to show off, oh well. If I don't have the complete set of lenses and spare bodies, oh well. If I get there without 4/5 of my musical instruments, oh well. Air mattress, extra pillows, road CDs, PDA charger ... oh well. I'll pout (very quietly) later instead of making myself bugfuck crazy tonight. I'll not rush, just pack until I feel the need to sleep or sit in front of the computer for a while, and see how far I get, then make sure I'm dressed when syntonic_comma and anniemal show up with the van.
Similarly, I'll make sure the tarp and buckets are arranged according to my best guess of where they need to be now that there's less ceiling there, try to get to the most urgent of the email, and try very very hard not to drive myself crazy thinking about what's not getting recorded if I don't get arount to programming the VCRs in time. The point of this weekend is to hang out with friends I don't see often enough, make music, relax, and eat interesting flavours of homemade ice cream, not to find out just how stressed I can make myself, right?
Okay, I think I'm getting taste-bud fatigue from the "hey-that's-cheating" jelly beans, so I'll have a few cognitive-dissonance ones now. And then go make sure there's a clear path through the living room to the tent.
Looking forward to seeing several of you at Baitcon, and a few more of you at Pennsic!
[1] When I discovered Jelly Belly jelly beans, I was struck by how convincing the blueberry ones are. Wondering how they'd made an artificial blueberry flavour that good, I was startled to notice that the ingredients listed actual blueberries. Well fine, of course they can make them taste like blueberries if they put blueberries in them!
[2] Yeah, my stream-of-consciousness has footnotes. And forks and loops. I think maybe I broke something back when I was programming in machine language[4] because I couldn't afford an assembler. Or maybe it happened before that.
[3] Buttered popcorn jelly beans. Really. If you ever find yourself trying to explain to someone what the phrase "cognitive dissonance" means, just hand them a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly. They'll get it. (In a pinch you can use a caramel-corn one, but the buttered popcorn flavour is a much more dramatic example.) If you haven't tasted them before, make sure there's someone around to enjoy the expression on your face when you do. And if you have tasted them, you probably didn't need to look at this footnote to figure out which flavour I meant, did you?
[4] Z80 machine code, in hex, on a TRS-80 Model III. I eventually did come up with the $30 (IIRC) to buy the assembler, but by then the brain damage had already been done.