It must be for real, cause now I can feel...
Well, I wanted to put something worth reading into my posts to make them a bit better. I figured I'd start with some thoughts on life that I have thought about in the past. Alas, the notebook I wrote them all down in has gone missing, so you don't get to read my bullshit. Aren't you heartbroken now? I did, however, stumble upon some quotes I had written down in an old notebook, though I have no idea where they came from and can't find anything on the internet. Instead, I think I'll just attempt to ramble on about some random thing that I believe to be true. The point of all of this is for you to respond and tell me what you think, so that I can determine if my reasoning is good, or whether I should alter the way I perceive things. I'm also going to try to put a quotation into the post at some point, and there are completely arbitrary bonus points for anybody who can tell me who said it. I think I'll start off with a potentially lengthy writing on my life and the way I perceive some things.
I have never really liked the person that I am, and I know that most people would probably say the same thing about themselves. I believe myself to be an asshole from time to time. I know that I can be obnoxious and that I don't always say the right thing. I can be insulting and hurtful. Despite all of my shortcomings, I still believe myself to be a decent person. I think I am a responsible and hard working person, and that when I need to, I do the right thing. And though I can be a little rough from time to time, I hope that anybody who reads this knows that any time I have the choice between myself and you, you would always come first.
I think a lot of that comes from the fact that I spent a great amount of my life completely hating myself. There were many reasons for this. One was that I hate to see myself fail at anything. I'm also a very impatient person, especially when it comes to myself. A couple of years ago, I came to the conclusion that as a person, the only real power that you have is to make choices and act upon them. Since I was never one to regret the decisions I had made, this new philosophy allowed me to make peace with myself and accept who I was. I used to think that while acting was definitely important, the decision was more important in that without making the right choice by yourself, the action would be meaningless. And while I still believe the choice to be important to making the action, I now believe that the most important thing is to make the decision for the right reasons. I believe that you must stay true to yourself and your beliefs and do what you think is right because it is what you believe to be best, not what other people believe. This new outlook has me constantly questioning why I do things and rethinking much of what I do.
I have my beliefs. I believe that the choices I make are my choices, and I will be held responsible for the bad choices that I make. I believe that I will be forced to atone for these things in one way or another. I believe that one day I will have to face up to everything that I have done, and everything that I have not done. I feel that the consequences for my actions are something layed upon me by God, and by Him alone. I believe that He has the ultimate power to decide the fate of a person. Even if I didn't truly believe in the power of God, I think I'd still pray, though, because there really is nothing to lose by having faith in something. I think that God has us atone for our actions by testing us. My luck has not always been the best thing around, and I acknowledge the possibility that my actions have something to do with that. I also believe that God tests us based only on what He knows we are capable of, that He doesn't put us into situations that we can't handle. I also believe that God has the power to simply snap His fingers and force us to make the right decision. I think, however, he wishes to test us and see us get there of our own volition.
Every night before I go to bed, I make it a point to pray. It's gotten to the point where I can't fall asleep before I do. Maybe someone listens to my prayers, and maybe not, but I think, if nothing else, that it helps calm me down and give me the ability to stop thinking long enough to fall asleep. Yet, even with praying, there's still a moral dilemma that I always have. Yes, every night I pray that the wrongs I have committed be forgiven, but that is the only time I ever pray for myself. The rest of the time I spend praying for other people, be it my friends, my family, or other people I think might benefit from my wishes. The problem I have comes in that I don't believe it is right to attempt to mess with the free will of other people. As such, I cannot permit myself to pray for specific things for people, and I solve this problem by only wishing that people gain happiness, that they are kept safe from harm, and that I can somehow help them to get there. Even with this, however, I feel that I am somehow treading a thin line, and I really have no idea what to do about this.
When it comes to my personal happiness, I think that being around my friends and seeing my friends happy is about as good as it gets. As much as I hate seeing myself fail, I hate even more seeing the people I care about failing at what they do. Some people have their own little happy place where things are simlper and there's never any reason to be upset or anything. I have one of those, too, but in mine, though I am happy, I could not allow myself to be so until my friends were all happy. I really think that without my friends around from time to time, I would be nothing at all.
I think a lot of dealing with periods of time where happiness is hard to come by can be fixed just by having someone to talk to. I think most people solve this with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the decisions that I've made when it comes to relationships. The fact that I've never really been in any relationship that's lasted more than about a week or so doesn't bother me nearly as much as I think it should. My point is that at this point in my life, there's a lot of things that aren't going as I had hoped they would. And the longer these things sit inside, the more I feel that being in a relationship at the moment could help me. But really, that's not what I want. I think what I need is just someone that I can talk to about everything without them getting freaked out by how crazy I am and all. And while I think I wouldn't mind a relationship at this time, I know that for me it would have to be based on something more than me needing someone to talk to. I tend to believe that someday I'll get what I want out of life, and it'll be good. Until that day, I know that I have to endure and do what feels right to me.
I have so much more to write, but I really don't feel like subjecting you to more of this reading for now. You probably deserve a medal just for getting all the way through this. I do want it known that this was in no way meant to be insulting to people, and was definitelty not meant as a strike at anyone at all. I also want you to know that I'm not depressed at this point and I'm actually feeling a lot better than I have been as of late. These are just things that I've been thinking about and wondering how other people think. I think that I could also benefit by letting people have a glimpse of how I think and not keep all of my emotion buried deep inside. So for tonight I end with this quote:
"It often takes more courage to change ones opinion than to keep it."
I wish that your day be grand
I have never really liked the person that I am, and I know that most people would probably say the same thing about themselves. I believe myself to be an asshole from time to time. I know that I can be obnoxious and that I don't always say the right thing. I can be insulting and hurtful. Despite all of my shortcomings, I still believe myself to be a decent person. I think I am a responsible and hard working person, and that when I need to, I do the right thing. And though I can be a little rough from time to time, I hope that anybody who reads this knows that any time I have the choice between myself and you, you would always come first.
I think a lot of that comes from the fact that I spent a great amount of my life completely hating myself. There were many reasons for this. One was that I hate to see myself fail at anything. I'm also a very impatient person, especially when it comes to myself. A couple of years ago, I came to the conclusion that as a person, the only real power that you have is to make choices and act upon them. Since I was never one to regret the decisions I had made, this new philosophy allowed me to make peace with myself and accept who I was. I used to think that while acting was definitely important, the decision was more important in that without making the right choice by yourself, the action would be meaningless. And while I still believe the choice to be important to making the action, I now believe that the most important thing is to make the decision for the right reasons. I believe that you must stay true to yourself and your beliefs and do what you think is right because it is what you believe to be best, not what other people believe. This new outlook has me constantly questioning why I do things and rethinking much of what I do.
I have my beliefs. I believe that the choices I make are my choices, and I will be held responsible for the bad choices that I make. I believe that I will be forced to atone for these things in one way or another. I believe that one day I will have to face up to everything that I have done, and everything that I have not done. I feel that the consequences for my actions are something layed upon me by God, and by Him alone. I believe that He has the ultimate power to decide the fate of a person. Even if I didn't truly believe in the power of God, I think I'd still pray, though, because there really is nothing to lose by having faith in something. I think that God has us atone for our actions by testing us. My luck has not always been the best thing around, and I acknowledge the possibility that my actions have something to do with that. I also believe that God tests us based only on what He knows we are capable of, that He doesn't put us into situations that we can't handle. I also believe that God has the power to simply snap His fingers and force us to make the right decision. I think, however, he wishes to test us and see us get there of our own volition.
Every night before I go to bed, I make it a point to pray. It's gotten to the point where I can't fall asleep before I do. Maybe someone listens to my prayers, and maybe not, but I think, if nothing else, that it helps calm me down and give me the ability to stop thinking long enough to fall asleep. Yet, even with praying, there's still a moral dilemma that I always have. Yes, every night I pray that the wrongs I have committed be forgiven, but that is the only time I ever pray for myself. The rest of the time I spend praying for other people, be it my friends, my family, or other people I think might benefit from my wishes. The problem I have comes in that I don't believe it is right to attempt to mess with the free will of other people. As such, I cannot permit myself to pray for specific things for people, and I solve this problem by only wishing that people gain happiness, that they are kept safe from harm, and that I can somehow help them to get there. Even with this, however, I feel that I am somehow treading a thin line, and I really have no idea what to do about this.
When it comes to my personal happiness, I think that being around my friends and seeing my friends happy is about as good as it gets. As much as I hate seeing myself fail, I hate even more seeing the people I care about failing at what they do. Some people have their own little happy place where things are simlper and there's never any reason to be upset or anything. I have one of those, too, but in mine, though I am happy, I could not allow myself to be so until my friends were all happy. I really think that without my friends around from time to time, I would be nothing at all.
I think a lot of dealing with periods of time where happiness is hard to come by can be fixed just by having someone to talk to. I think most people solve this with a boyfriend or girlfriend. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret the decisions that I've made when it comes to relationships. The fact that I've never really been in any relationship that's lasted more than about a week or so doesn't bother me nearly as much as I think it should. My point is that at this point in my life, there's a lot of things that aren't going as I had hoped they would. And the longer these things sit inside, the more I feel that being in a relationship at the moment could help me. But really, that's not what I want. I think what I need is just someone that I can talk to about everything without them getting freaked out by how crazy I am and all. And while I think I wouldn't mind a relationship at this time, I know that for me it would have to be based on something more than me needing someone to talk to. I tend to believe that someday I'll get what I want out of life, and it'll be good. Until that day, I know that I have to endure and do what feels right to me.
I have so much more to write, but I really don't feel like subjecting you to more of this reading for now. You probably deserve a medal just for getting all the way through this. I do want it known that this was in no way meant to be insulting to people, and was definitelty not meant as a strike at anyone at all. I also want you to know that I'm not depressed at this point and I'm actually feeling a lot better than I have been as of late. These are just things that I've been thinking about and wondering how other people think. I think that I could also benefit by letting people have a glimpse of how I think and not keep all of my emotion buried deep inside. So for tonight I end with this quote:
"It often takes more courage to change ones opinion than to keep it."
I wish that your day be grand