Crybaby post...you have been warned.
I am really depressed right now. There's nothing happy in my life at the moment. I feel so alone. Maybe getting some of this off my chest will make me feel a little bit better, so I'm just going to go down the list.
I hate my piece of shit car. Every day brings some new, lovely surprise that makes it even more embarrassing and even more difficult to drive. It stinks like shit and it has since before I inherited it, it makes horrible noises, I could go on forever. All I know is that I desperately need a newer, more dependable car.
I cannot get a new car, however, and probably never will, because I don't make nearly enough money to afford a newer car. I'm lucky if I make 200$ a week. Plus I HATE the job. I hate every aspect of that job. Well, not every aspect of it; there are some pretty cool people working there. Otherwise, I bust my ass doing bitchwork all day long for what basically amounts to peanuts. On thop of all that, I have no insurance. I cannot get insurance where I work, no matter how hard I try. I have been trying like hell to get a new job for almost a year now. As all of my past experience is in a shitty, unstable industry, nobody wants to hire me for a job I'd like to have. I'm looking for a career change, but nobody wants to hire someone without experience. Or education.
I have very little education. Don't get me wrong; I'm not stupid. In fact, I like to think that I'm rather intelligent (I could be wrong there), but I have just been wasting money on school taking classes that sound interesting, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I'm too old to be this lost. Jesus Christ I'm a fucking loser.
I recently discovered in myself a potentially very serious health problem, too, and there was nothing I could do about it since I have no career and therefore no insurance. I called around to a couple of those cheap clinics, but they were all way too expensive for me to even step foot into an office. I cried as I hung up the phone with the last one. Hopefully I won't die, but...well, whatayagonnado, eh? My SO was actually worried about me getting sick, though, and that made me feel really special. SO called to check up on me and everything.
That's not really a good thing, now is it? That it made me feel special that my SO worried about my having a potentially very serious illness? That says a lot about my relationship as it stands. I don't really feel welcome around here. Obviously I make way less money than SO does, therefore I pay very little of the bills. This was brought up in conversation the other day, so now I don't feel like I have any say in our financial situation, but I feel like that's about right, anyway. I don't have any right to dictate what should and shouldn't be done with money around here, therefore I don't even ask for or go so far as to mention things that I want.
It wouldn't do any good anyway, as SO doesn't give a shit what I want. That's pretty apparent. I like to kiss. Nothing makes me happier than a long, passionate kiss with tongue and heavy breathing. Well, I honest to god cannot remember the last time I felt a tongue other than mine. I smoke and SO doesn't, but it was that way when we got together, and it didn't seem to be a problem then. I think that we're only together (on SO's part at least) is because of the convenience of having a SO. I am in love, but SO, I'm pretty sure, is probably not. Obviously kissing is not the only problem.
We don't even talk. We can ride in the car for half an hour and not say two words to each other. I feel so alone right now, but I feel even more alone when we're together in bed. I mean, when we do have sex, it's fucking good, but it's not emotional. I might as well be fucking a hooker. SO is passed the fuck out (?) after about 2 beers, most likely because it's more convenient than having to talk to me. I'm not interesting. Every question I ask or statement I make is disregarded or made fun of, or it's something that has been brought up before and now the subject is buried. When I go to bed, SO turns away. So I don't go to bed, and I'm tired all the time. I'm sure that has a lot to do with why I'm so depressed right now, and it's a vicious cycle.
I miss being loved passionately. I miss feeling like cooking dinner is something that's a special treat instead of a demand. I miss being caressed and held close, and I miss being important in someone's life. I miss someone doing little favors for me just because they were thinking about me. Mostly, I miss being kissed. I want special favors and treats. I want someone to try and make me feel as special as I try and make them feel. I want conversations about stupid shit and important shit and the future and the past and us. Hell, I want conversations, however trivial. I want to feel attractive. I want to feel that someone loves me and thinks about me and would do anything for me. I want someone to touch my face and tell me it's nice, and I want someone to appreciate that being reciprocated. I think what I really want it out of this shithole relationship. It's beating the will to live out of me.
The worst part is that I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I have ZERO close friends, and the person I'm supposed to be closest to is a total stranger. I feel like I am completely alone in this world. My phone rings MAYBE once a day outside of SO calling to inquire about dinner, and it's usually work related when it does ring. I don't have anyone to hang out with socially, and my family is too crazy to tolerate. My last birthday, I got about 3 phone calls. One was a goddamn wrong number. I'm serious.
Hopefully there's some silly reason why I'm feeling so depressed. Hopefully I'm thinking too far into things and being immature and making a big deal out of nothing. I'm normally a very happy-go-lucky person, and if you saw me out, you'd never know anything was amiss. I don't like whining like this, but I had to let it all out. I think I feel a little better now.
Now I'm off to figure out how to LJ-cut this. ~~ Well, that was easy!
P.S. - If you're going to reply, please don't reply with shit I already know like, "You need to get out of that crappy relationship," and, "Why don't you just go get another job?" Words of encouragement are really what I need right now. I thank you in advance, Collective, and I apologize for unleashing all fo this onto you.
I hate my piece of shit car. Every day brings some new, lovely surprise that makes it even more embarrassing and even more difficult to drive. It stinks like shit and it has since before I inherited it, it makes horrible noises, I could go on forever. All I know is that I desperately need a newer, more dependable car.
I cannot get a new car, however, and probably never will, because I don't make nearly enough money to afford a newer car. I'm lucky if I make 200$ a week. Plus I HATE the job. I hate every aspect of that job. Well, not every aspect of it; there are some pretty cool people working there. Otherwise, I bust my ass doing bitchwork all day long for what basically amounts to peanuts. On thop of all that, I have no insurance. I cannot get insurance where I work, no matter how hard I try. I have been trying like hell to get a new job for almost a year now. As all of my past experience is in a shitty, unstable industry, nobody wants to hire me for a job I'd like to have. I'm looking for a career change, but nobody wants to hire someone without experience. Or education.
I have very little education. Don't get me wrong; I'm not stupid. In fact, I like to think that I'm rather intelligent (I could be wrong there), but I have just been wasting money on school taking classes that sound interesting, trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. I'm too old to be this lost. Jesus Christ I'm a fucking loser.
I recently discovered in myself a potentially very serious health problem, too, and there was nothing I could do about it since I have no career and therefore no insurance. I called around to a couple of those cheap clinics, but they were all way too expensive for me to even step foot into an office. I cried as I hung up the phone with the last one. Hopefully I won't die, but...well, whatayagonnado, eh? My SO was actually worried about me getting sick, though, and that made me feel really special. SO called to check up on me and everything.
That's not really a good thing, now is it? That it made me feel special that my SO worried about my having a potentially very serious illness? That says a lot about my relationship as it stands. I don't really feel welcome around here. Obviously I make way less money than SO does, therefore I pay very little of the bills. This was brought up in conversation the other day, so now I don't feel like I have any say in our financial situation, but I feel like that's about right, anyway. I don't have any right to dictate what should and shouldn't be done with money around here, therefore I don't even ask for or go so far as to mention things that I want.
It wouldn't do any good anyway, as SO doesn't give a shit what I want. That's pretty apparent. I like to kiss. Nothing makes me happier than a long, passionate kiss with tongue and heavy breathing. Well, I honest to god cannot remember the last time I felt a tongue other than mine. I smoke and SO doesn't, but it was that way when we got together, and it didn't seem to be a problem then. I think that we're only together (on SO's part at least) is because of the convenience of having a SO. I am in love, but SO, I'm pretty sure, is probably not. Obviously kissing is not the only problem.
We don't even talk. We can ride in the car for half an hour and not say two words to each other. I feel so alone right now, but I feel even more alone when we're together in bed. I mean, when we do have sex, it's fucking good, but it's not emotional. I might as well be fucking a hooker. SO is passed the fuck out (?) after about 2 beers, most likely because it's more convenient than having to talk to me. I'm not interesting. Every question I ask or statement I make is disregarded or made fun of, or it's something that has been brought up before and now the subject is buried. When I go to bed, SO turns away. So I don't go to bed, and I'm tired all the time. I'm sure that has a lot to do with why I'm so depressed right now, and it's a vicious cycle.
I miss being loved passionately. I miss feeling like cooking dinner is something that's a special treat instead of a demand. I miss being caressed and held close, and I miss being important in someone's life. I miss someone doing little favors for me just because they were thinking about me. Mostly, I miss being kissed. I want special favors and treats. I want someone to try and make me feel as special as I try and make them feel. I want conversations about stupid shit and important shit and the future and the past and us. Hell, I want conversations, however trivial. I want to feel attractive. I want to feel that someone loves me and thinks about me and would do anything for me. I want someone to touch my face and tell me it's nice, and I want someone to appreciate that being reciprocated. I think what I really want it out of this shithole relationship. It's beating the will to live out of me.
The worst part is that I don't really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I have ZERO close friends, and the person I'm supposed to be closest to is a total stranger. I feel like I am completely alone in this world. My phone rings MAYBE once a day outside of SO calling to inquire about dinner, and it's usually work related when it does ring. I don't have anyone to hang out with socially, and my family is too crazy to tolerate. My last birthday, I got about 3 phone calls. One was a goddamn wrong number. I'm serious.
Hopefully there's some silly reason why I'm feeling so depressed. Hopefully I'm thinking too far into things and being immature and making a big deal out of nothing. I'm normally a very happy-go-lucky person, and if you saw me out, you'd never know anything was amiss. I don't like whining like this, but I had to let it all out. I think I feel a little better now.
Now I'm off to figure out how to LJ-cut this. ~~ Well, that was easy!
P.S. - If you're going to reply, please don't reply with shit I already know like, "You need to get out of that crappy relationship," and, "Why don't you just go get another job?" Words of encouragement are really what I need right now. I thank you in advance, Collective, and I apologize for unleashing all fo this onto you.