[fic] Lousy Strats
Title: Lousy Strats
Series: Movieverse/StarCraft2 Beta
Rating: T
Summary: Sideways 10pools, Barricade fails at bio balls, and Grindor's Void Rays are unstoppable. If any of that confuses you, don't worry: Demolishor has no idea either.
A/N: This is a goofy attempt at reconciling my addiction to both Transformers and StarCraft2. And sorry ravenousgrue , but Grindor would have murdered you :C
“Again?” Demolishor asked.
“Again?” Sideways didn't even look up, too engrossed with the screen in front of him. “You say that like you thought I was done.”
“Well, you've spent your last three off shifts playing this... game.” It was going to be four shifts, judging by the start up screen on the console, complete with dramatic music blaring in the background. Demolishor didn't mind watching, but that was assuming this didn't happen every single off shift. Since the release of the StarCraft2 beta, though, it had been.
“Hmmm,” said Sideways, talons tapping away on the console. Was he even listening? Probably not. Demolishor would be glad when the novelty of this game wore off. Which would be soon. He hoped.
“Who are you playing?” Demolishor asked, trying to be included, somehow, without touching the game.
“No one yet,” said Sideways. “We're waiting for Grindor to pick a map. Barricade's going to be on, and then we've got some human playing, too.”
“Barricade's playing?” Now that was something else, if not a little disappointing. Barricade had been pretty vocal about his hatred for the game, and how he wouldn't be caught offline playing it. It had made Demolishor feel a little better about his own lack of interest.
“Yeah. He's using Blackout's account,” Sideways pointed at the screen, but Demolishor had no idea what he was looking at. “You know, so he can deny he actually played. Fraggin' weirdo.”
“Who's 'Drilldozer'?” Demolishor asked, trying to read the small screen. Oh, if he caught any of the other Constructicons on this game...
“Eh, some human,” said Sideways. “Grindor likes to wipe them off the map in less than five minutes for fun. Otherwise we just make them lag until we vote them out. Oh - here we go...”
The screen changed, and Sideways hunched over the console, so tense his wings were nearly vibrating. He always got a bit intense when a game was about to begin. The second the screen switched to the game map, the mad clicking of Sideways' talons started, directing the little bugs, the 'Zerg', to do...something. He paused only for a moment to open up a comm line.
“What the frag do you want?” Barricade's voice snarled out of the console.
“Alliance, if you have any hope of defeating Grindor,” Sideways said. “He's not going to go easy on you just because it's your first time.”
“Whatever,” Barricade said, but a moment later his Terran base popped up on the map. Sideways tabbed over to it, checking over the progress - or lack thereof. Demolishor could hear, over the comm, Barricade's own tapping, though it was nowhere near as frenzied as Sideways'.
“Barricade, you need to wall in, fast,” said Sideways. “That way Grindor can't -”
“I know!” Barricade snapped. “Sorry I'm not as fragging fast as you at this nonsense yet!”
“You said you hadn't played this before! I'm just trying to help,” Sideways frowned at the console.
“Blackout showed me a few things last cycle.”
“Yeah, I bet he did,” Sideways snickered.
“What?”
“Nothing,” Sideways straightened up. “Oh, hey, look at that. Drilldozer's lagging. Grindor must not want to deal with humans tonight.”
“Fast game, then?” Demolishor asked. Not at all hopeful, because the shorter the game, the more Sideways played. The longer games wore him out faster.
“No,” said Sideways. “He's going to torture us slowly. Aaannd Drilldozer's voted out. Lucky human.”
“Grindor can't be that good,” Barricade's tone was guarded.
“Actually,” said Sideways, in a tone that suggested he was just getting warmed up. “A couple patches were put out just because of him. Blizzard does their best to make the three races evenly matched, but Grindor kept tipping the scales back towards the Protoss. Plus he's gotta keep hacking new beta keys, otherwise they'll track his account and figure out the best player in the game is, you know, a giant alien robot. Playing from a warship that's not even orbiting Earth.”
“Blackout's beat him.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Sideways rolled his optics. “The infamous copter battle. Whatever. I'll believe it when I see it, and neither of them have made the replay available. Alright, my spawning pool's ready, so I'm gonna send out some Zerglings, try to scout out Grindor's base.”
“Already? Well, have fun with that.”
Sideways didn't respond, instead focusing on making the little crab bugs work on the blue rocks, switching between that and following the 'Zergling' across the map. Demolishor failed to see what was so exciting about this game. “Aw,” Sideways said, as his Zergling exploded in a mess of red pixels. “He's already walled in. Frag.”
“Hey!” Barricade suddenly yelled, and Sideways frantically scrolled up to his base. “Why the frag is his Probe building an extractor on my vespene geysers!?”
“Seriously? Man, that is a jerk strat to pull for one of your first games,” said Sideways. “He's just screwing with you, slowing you down. Nothing you can do but destroy them once they're done.”
“This game sucks.”
Demolishor couldn't agree more, but Barricade was apparently all talk. He was still playing.
“How long is this going to last?” Demolishor asked, as politely as possible. Not 'oh Primus would you wrap it up I'm exhausted', because Sideways obviously enjoyed playing. He wasn't about to ruin it for him.
“Until Grindor kills us,” Sideways said shrugging his shoulders. Demolishor wanted to ask what the point of playing was, then, but knew better. Losing just fueled Sideways' obsession with practicing more and getting better. “Barricade, you gonna harass him or what?”
“Leave me alone.”
“I don't think Blackout taught you anything, the rate you're going.”
“I said leave me alone.”
The conversation, such as it was, ended there. Sideways devoted his energy into building up his base, expanding, and occasionally sending out small groups to attack Grindor. Grindor did the same, and Sideways started snarling things about his economy getting ruined. After awhile, everything started to look the same to Demolishor. It was a mindless back and forth, building and losing bases, creating armies and watching them fall. He wondered if Bonecrusher and Onslaught actually enjoyed their jobs, watching this.
Demolishor was just starting to cycle into involuntary shutdown when Barricade announced he was going to attack Grindor. Sideways didn't seem too excited about the prospect.
“That's your bio ball?” Sideways just barely repressed a snicker. “C'mon, you need more Marines than that. Throw in some Thors, too.”
“I have enough fragging Marines.”
“Oookay then,” said Sideways, scrolling back over to his own expansion base. He was still trying to recover from one of Grindor's crippling attacks. Demolishor was hoping he would watch the battle, which was slightly more exciting than mining crystals, but he didn't want to bother or distract Sideways.
“WHAT THE FRAG IS THAT!?”
Even Demolishor jumped at Barricade's panicked shriek, and Sideways tabbed to the event in question as quickly as possible. He caught the tail end of witnessing Barricade's bio ball vanish into a... black hole?
“He's got a Mothership!?” Sideways squealed. “How'd he - but that - oh frag!”
“What do I do? Blackout never showed me this!”
“You can't do anything until that Vortex attack ends,” Sideways winced. “Uhhh, I'd start working on another army, if I were you. This one's done for. Hey! Where are your Ravens?”
“My what!?” Barricade cursed. Over the comm, they could hear furious clacking of Barricade's claws on the console.
“I told you to build Ravens!” Sideways wailed. “The Mothership has a passive ability to cloak the units around it! Barricade, you can't fight the Protoss without any detectors -”
“Fine! Whatever!” Barricade cut him off. “I'll aim for the Mothership when I can, right?”
“Uhhh...”
“What!?”
“Just hang on, I'll get some Mutas and Overseers up there for you.”
“I don't need your fragging help!”
“Yeah, so how's 'aiming for the Mothership' working out? Oh wait, your bio ball is gone. Huh.”
“...”
“If we survive this, you're going to learn some things,” Sideways repressed a snicker at Barricade's venomous snarl. Things really weren't looking good: Grindor had successfully repelled Sideways' harassment attempts, and brushed off his attacks like they were nothing. He was struggling to keep hold of his bases, and Barricade was floundering at pretty much everything so far.
As if to remind them of their continued failure, a message from StratCopter popped up on the bottom of the screen: You guys suck.
“Oh, that does it,” Sideways bristled. Demolishor really hoped that did do it. The game could end, and life, outside of StarCraft2, could go on.
*******
“So,” said Demolishor. “How long is the sulking going to last?”
Sideways had his back to the console, wings flat in suppressed emotion, a scowl camped on his face. The game had not ended well. Except, of course, for Grindor.
“Until Grindor dies,” Sideways snapped. “I can't believe Barricade fragging rage quit and left me all by myself!”
“He didn't really seem that into it.” Which was an understatement. 'Rage quit' was probably how Barricade did everything, anyways. Sideways opened his mouth to respond, when the console pinged an incoming message. Sideways swatted the console as hard as he could to open the comm.
“What?” Sideways snarled.
“Hey.” It was Grindor. “Good game. Seriously. Except the part with Barricade throwing a fit about my Void Rays and dropping off without so much as a gg.”
Demolishor watched Sideways' wings pop up at the compliment, and the mutual railing on Barricade dissipated a lot of his anger. “Well, those Void Rays are pretty horrible.”
“Yeah, it's the flavor of the week,” said Grindor. “Listen, Blackout and Bonecrusher want to play 2v2, and I could use some help. You in?”
No, Demolishor thought. Please, no. Stop enabling him. Stop enabling each other. He didn't even want to think about Bonecrusher playing this game, as well.
“Uh, maybe some other time,” said Sideways, shooting a sheepish look towards Demolishor. “Thanks for the invite.”
“Suit yourself.” Grindor dropped off the comm, and Sideways turned to Demolishor, who could hardly believe it. Was he actually taking a break from StarCraft2?
“Hey, wanna watch a movie? I just got a copy of Starship Troopers from Scavenger,” Sideways bounced to his feet, giving his a friend a look that told him there was no denying the Audi.
“That sounds fine,” he said. Any of Sideways' horror movies were an improvement over watching that awful game. Wait - Starship Troopers? That wasn't really horror, was it? It was the one with the space Marines and the giant bugs, and - oh, no.
Well, Demolishor thought, so much for a break from StarCraft2.