I'm in serious need...
Of some positive vibes.
Some positive people.
Being surrounded in negativity in hard times makes the difficult the unbearable.
My mom has cancer. She was officially diagnosed May 4th, the day after my birthday. I haven't completely kept it to myself (as a handful of my friends have known about it), but haven't really released it in any public way. I didn't want to...I labeled it as "keeping my private life private". The real label, as I've come to realize, is my own form of self-denial.
Two parents, one disease. One's dead already, this one is battling. To have already gone through this struggle once, and to have reached a dead end (so to speak), makes it difficult to accept the scenario for a second time.
My mom and I have definitely had a rocky and peculiar relationship throughout my lifetime. But nested inside all of it was still unconditional love. And now, that we've both matured, we've both invested time and energy over the years into our relationship, we are so solid. It's still a peculiar relationship, no doubt. And we have our moments of anger, and rage, and we have our disputes. But we are solid, we are strong, and there is a tightly fused bond of love that will never break. She's the truest form of a best friend.
Now, watching her go through this agony...the treatments, the surgeries, the medications...watching her suffer just like my father did, it's the most horrible case of deja vu I've ever had the displeasure of experiencing.
I was supposed to be out of here this September. I was set up to pack and leave for New York. I was working on getting the place, I had the money saving up, I was ready. Now, in a tragic change of events, here I remain. And selfishly, in the beginning, all I could think about it all the chances I was now going to lose. Career, education, location. Now...the tables have turned. As she winces in pain from the mere sight of lamp light, as she lays in bed void of all energy, as she can't even leave the house without it being torture to all her senses...all I can think is that I may have lost opportune moments, but, dammit, she's fighting just to keep from losing her life.
Priorities change. Life lays down a losing hand sometimes. But you just have to grab the next cards and hope for the best. Hope, and pray, and surround yourself in all the positive energy you can. So that's what I'm trying to do, because she needs it. Strength and support are two words you learn, understand, and live by religiously when you get dropped into this situation. And right now, for one of the very few times in my life, I admit that I need it too.
Some of my friends have been absolutely phenomenal. However, as much as I love all of my friends, some are so stuck on negativity, that's its almost painful to be around them. And some, though I believe their intentions and hearts are usually truly good (otherwise I wouldn't call them my friends), take actions and speak words that seem so selfish that I'm starting to step back. They offer assistence, but they do things that contradict their care. And I'm not asking for a pity party, or attempting to use a crutch, I just want a hand to hold on if I need it. To these people, I just want to grab them and scream at them to realize just how fragile this all is, everything you have, everything you do, and everything you are. But right now, my energy and time is devoted to someone else...and I just can't. So I just take a step away.
I've just found myself becoming a firm "believer", I guess you could say, in good and bad energy. It's so contagious, so effective, and infectious. All I want is good surrounding my mom. The light, and the positive. So right now, all I want is the same surrounding me, so I can give it to her three-fold.
My Mom started a blog online, to keep note of her daily happenings, and to be helpful if not inspiring to the next woman who has to battle through this. She tries to be as light-hearted as she can, and I give her so much credit for facing this straight on and trying to be positive for OTHER people, in a time when she's the one in need of others positivity. If at all interested you can find it here:
http://sunnyside2day.blogspot.com/
This entry was originally just supposed to be the first three lines of what I've written...but I guess something in me needed out. My apologies for being so long-winded for those that even take the time to get through it all.
Dez
Some positive people.
Being surrounded in negativity in hard times makes the difficult the unbearable.
My mom has cancer. She was officially diagnosed May 4th, the day after my birthday. I haven't completely kept it to myself (as a handful of my friends have known about it), but haven't really released it in any public way. I didn't want to...I labeled it as "keeping my private life private". The real label, as I've come to realize, is my own form of self-denial.
Two parents, one disease. One's dead already, this one is battling. To have already gone through this struggle once, and to have reached a dead end (so to speak), makes it difficult to accept the scenario for a second time.
My mom and I have definitely had a rocky and peculiar relationship throughout my lifetime. But nested inside all of it was still unconditional love. And now, that we've both matured, we've both invested time and energy over the years into our relationship, we are so solid. It's still a peculiar relationship, no doubt. And we have our moments of anger, and rage, and we have our disputes. But we are solid, we are strong, and there is a tightly fused bond of love that will never break. She's the truest form of a best friend.
Now, watching her go through this agony...the treatments, the surgeries, the medications...watching her suffer just like my father did, it's the most horrible case of deja vu I've ever had the displeasure of experiencing.
I was supposed to be out of here this September. I was set up to pack and leave for New York. I was working on getting the place, I had the money saving up, I was ready. Now, in a tragic change of events, here I remain. And selfishly, in the beginning, all I could think about it all the chances I was now going to lose. Career, education, location. Now...the tables have turned. As she winces in pain from the mere sight of lamp light, as she lays in bed void of all energy, as she can't even leave the house without it being torture to all her senses...all I can think is that I may have lost opportune moments, but, dammit, she's fighting just to keep from losing her life.
Priorities change. Life lays down a losing hand sometimes. But you just have to grab the next cards and hope for the best. Hope, and pray, and surround yourself in all the positive energy you can. So that's what I'm trying to do, because she needs it. Strength and support are two words you learn, understand, and live by religiously when you get dropped into this situation. And right now, for one of the very few times in my life, I admit that I need it too.
Some of my friends have been absolutely phenomenal. However, as much as I love all of my friends, some are so stuck on negativity, that's its almost painful to be around them. And some, though I believe their intentions and hearts are usually truly good (otherwise I wouldn't call them my friends), take actions and speak words that seem so selfish that I'm starting to step back. They offer assistence, but they do things that contradict their care. And I'm not asking for a pity party, or attempting to use a crutch, I just want a hand to hold on if I need it. To these people, I just want to grab them and scream at them to realize just how fragile this all is, everything you have, everything you do, and everything you are. But right now, my energy and time is devoted to someone else...and I just can't. So I just take a step away.
I've just found myself becoming a firm "believer", I guess you could say, in good and bad energy. It's so contagious, so effective, and infectious. All I want is good surrounding my mom. The light, and the positive. So right now, all I want is the same surrounding me, so I can give it to her three-fold.
My Mom started a blog online, to keep note of her daily happenings, and to be helpful if not inspiring to the next woman who has to battle through this. She tries to be as light-hearted as she can, and I give her so much credit for facing this straight on and trying to be positive for OTHER people, in a time when she's the one in need of others positivity. If at all interested you can find it here:
http://sunnyside2day.blogspot.com/
This entry was originally just supposed to be the first three lines of what I've written...but I guess something in me needed out. My apologies for being so long-winded for those that even take the time to get through it all.
Dez