My sick, sad little existance.
So here I sit, at 6:57 in the morning. My eyes are burning from being overused. I know that in a few more hours, I'll be getting ready to go to my two college classes. I keep staring out my window, just watching the cars go by. I keep finding myself wishing that I could be in one of those cars.. just going somewhere right now. I don't honestly give a fuck where I'd be heading to, just so long as I would be heading there. What has been going in my life? I know, not too many of you on my friend's list really give a rat's ass anymore as to what I'm doing with myself anymore, but fuck it. Here goes.
I broke up with Nikki.. sometime in Febuary. Why? Because she was becoming everything that I hated. Fucking clingy, needed me for everything and what's worse? She tried to make decisions for me in my life. I'm sorry, but I don't give a shit who the hell you are... the only one that makes decisions for me, about me, is me. So, since the break up, in all honesty, I've been feeling like shit. I keep thinking about someone that I shouldn't be thinking about. I miss her.. and no, it's not Nikki. It's someone that I used to rant and rave about... first about how much I loved her, and then about how much I hated her. I won't mention her name here, because there might even be a faint chance she'd read this. But even then, I highly doubt it. You see, I shouldn't be thinking about her, or missing her... because she's happy with the man she has now.. and that's all that really matters to me. I just.. want her to be happy. Regardless of who it might be with.
I keep telling myself that I'm stupid as fuck for even considering the idea of being with her again... not because of her, but because of me. I fucked up my last chance. And to tell you the truth? I know I don't deserve her. I guess, that's what makes it hurt all the more. Just the fact that.. I've come to grips with the fact that I'll never feel her love again, or her soft touch.. or anything else about her besides her friendship... which took a while for me to earn, mind you.
But still.. every time I get to talk to her on a messenger.. even for that small, little bit of time.. I can't help but smile. I sit here in my chair, and smile like a happy ass retard. When she needs something... regardless of how big or small the request, I break my neck trying to get it for her.. I would give her the fucking world if I could. But the only problem is.. she doesn't want the world. All she wants is someone to love her... which is what she has now.
Fucking hell.. I hate me a lot right now. A fucking lot. No, I'm not being emo. But the fact of the matter is.. her and I were together a fucking year ago! So why the fuck is it so hard for me to let go of what I had with her? Well.. let's examine it. I spent quite a few days at her home. While I was there, I felt complete.. and truly happy. I slept in bed next to her.. and I was actually able to sleep (if you know me, you know I'm not very comfortable around people). I miss her touch, the feel of her lips, her body, her mind.. her personality. I miss her jokes, her overall humor.. I miss the look in her eyes when she'd look at me.. like she saw something bigger and better than I could ever possibly conceive. I miss holding her when she cried. I miss taking walks with her. I miss sitting in her room, and just watching her while she played a game. And when I came home from being with her.. I fucking fell apart. True story.. I fucking broke down. All I could think about was being back down there with her. I was so ready to throw away college, hell.. my whole life, just to be with her. I would have turned my back on my whole family for her.. and I think that knowledge scared her.
Yea.. we broke up about year ago this coming May. But I've never had the guts until now to really, truly.. say all of this. I know.. I know I don't fucking deserve her. But it still doesn't take the pain away in wanting her. Bah.. time for medication and more coffee.
I broke up with Nikki.. sometime in Febuary. Why? Because she was becoming everything that I hated. Fucking clingy, needed me for everything and what's worse? She tried to make decisions for me in my life. I'm sorry, but I don't give a shit who the hell you are... the only one that makes decisions for me, about me, is me. So, since the break up, in all honesty, I've been feeling like shit. I keep thinking about someone that I shouldn't be thinking about. I miss her.. and no, it's not Nikki. It's someone that I used to rant and rave about... first about how much I loved her, and then about how much I hated her. I won't mention her name here, because there might even be a faint chance she'd read this. But even then, I highly doubt it. You see, I shouldn't be thinking about her, or missing her... because she's happy with the man she has now.. and that's all that really matters to me. I just.. want her to be happy. Regardless of who it might be with.
I keep telling myself that I'm stupid as fuck for even considering the idea of being with her again... not because of her, but because of me. I fucked up my last chance. And to tell you the truth? I know I don't deserve her. I guess, that's what makes it hurt all the more. Just the fact that.. I've come to grips with the fact that I'll never feel her love again, or her soft touch.. or anything else about her besides her friendship... which took a while for me to earn, mind you.
But still.. every time I get to talk to her on a messenger.. even for that small, little bit of time.. I can't help but smile. I sit here in my chair, and smile like a happy ass retard. When she needs something... regardless of how big or small the request, I break my neck trying to get it for her.. I would give her the fucking world if I could. But the only problem is.. she doesn't want the world. All she wants is someone to love her... which is what she has now.
Fucking hell.. I hate me a lot right now. A fucking lot. No, I'm not being emo. But the fact of the matter is.. her and I were together a fucking year ago! So why the fuck is it so hard for me to let go of what I had with her? Well.. let's examine it. I spent quite a few days at her home. While I was there, I felt complete.. and truly happy. I slept in bed next to her.. and I was actually able to sleep (if you know me, you know I'm not very comfortable around people). I miss her touch, the feel of her lips, her body, her mind.. her personality. I miss her jokes, her overall humor.. I miss the look in her eyes when she'd look at me.. like she saw something bigger and better than I could ever possibly conceive. I miss holding her when she cried. I miss taking walks with her. I miss sitting in her room, and just watching her while she played a game. And when I came home from being with her.. I fucking fell apart. True story.. I fucking broke down. All I could think about was being back down there with her. I was so ready to throw away college, hell.. my whole life, just to be with her. I would have turned my back on my whole family for her.. and I think that knowledge scared her.
Yea.. we broke up about year ago this coming May. But I've never had the guts until now to really, truly.. say all of this. I know.. I know I don't fucking deserve her. But it still doesn't take the pain away in wanting her. Bah.. time for medication and more coffee.