Something I wrote. Um... with an image to go along with it, kinda. I posted it on dA but it's making me freak the fuck out so I'm posting it here, in case I flip a shit and delete it.
Let me preface this by saying that this is not an attack or saying your writing sucks or anything, but I know that I love getting hard critique so hopefully I'm not offending you by doing the same~
The main thing I'd work on in your case is word ambiguity, and the order in which you arrange thoughts in a sentence- there were a few places where things didn't quite 'scan' as well as they should have.
A few examples:
"Though barely discernible against the darkness, he could feel the lines of blood, now having made paths for itself, run down his shoulders and arms." - this is a bit clunky- remember, 9 times out of 10, less is more! This is something that was hard for me to learn to do, but if something like "he could feel the lines of blood run in paths down his shoulders and arms" works better- go for it!
"The irony taste in his mouth"- 'irony' refers to a genre of humor, in this case, simply "iron taste" will work.
"He had passed the black cliffs and the sand that he could remember as bleached white during the day" - again, this is a bit clunky- "He had passed the places he'd once remembered as black cliffs and the bleached white sand" (note that this is still pretty clunky but I couldn't think of anything better- you'll see what I mean, though)
"A harsh wind, pulled over the sea, swept his hair back and blurred the clouds of smoke and flakes of ash" - try "a harsh wind pulled over the sea and swept his hair back before it blurred the clouds of smoke and flakes of ash"- generally, if you have a number of thoughts/actions in one sentence, you should join the ones that are similar and separate the ones that belong to a different action/thought.
"The embers glowed still" - did you mean 'the embers still glowed' or 'the embers glowed, unmoving'?
"Ulysses felt the cuts on his legs, then his torso, then arms, then shoulders, then neck" - the first image I got was that he is feeling the cuts for the first time- obviously this could just be me who would think this (everyone scans things differently), but you could avoid this by changing the sentence to something like "Ulysses felt the pain from the cuts first on his legs, then on his torso, then on his arms, then on his shoulders, then on his neck"- this sentence is a bit repetitive, but you would be able to justify the repetition from stylistic effect- but if this is not your intention, you could even go with "Ulysses felt the pain from the cuts from his legs to his neck".
Obviously, this is not me saying "YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT THIS WAY", just a bit of feedback- I think it's a great piece of self-contained and powerful writing- you should be proud! Let me know if this helps at all!
Thanks so much Felix, of course I don't take any of this as an attack! Ah! I need a lot of work with my writing. I'm so shy about it that I mainly keep it to myself, which isn't really conducive to improvement.
A lot of the clunky wording is really more of my thoughts rushing around and not knowing how to place them, I certainly don't want to be the new Tolkien or Lovecraft.
um um um but yes thank you so much for pointing all this out, this helps a lot not only for this piece but future pieces (of course). I wish I had a better response other than copious thank-yous!
Haha, no prob, I'm glad I could help! Honestly, the best piece of advice I can give you is just practice- get an ear for what 'flows' before you try to have a deliberate style. It's the same as art, really- you have to know the basics before you can know where to break the rules. But you seem to be doing pretty well, I would hardly call you a beginner or anything :p
Oh I absolutely don't think I have a definitive or deliberate style of writing. I mean there are certain themes that carry from one piece to another but I'm still very much experimenting. I just wish that by this time, after oodles of creative writing courses, I knew more about this stuff! I'm just going to have to bother you about it I guess, hehe.
The main thing I'd work on in your case is word ambiguity, and the order in which you arrange thoughts in a sentence- there were a few places where things didn't quite 'scan' as well as they should have.
A few examples:
"Though barely discernible against the darkness, he could feel the lines of blood, now having made paths for itself, run down his shoulders and arms." - this is a bit clunky- remember, 9 times out of 10, less is more! This is something that was hard for me to learn to do, but if something like "he could feel the lines of blood run in paths down his shoulders and arms" works better- go for it!
"The irony taste in his mouth"- 'irony' refers to a genre of humor, in this case, simply "iron taste" will work.
"He had passed the black cliffs and the sand that he could remember as bleached white during the day" - again, this is a bit clunky- "He had passed the places he'd once remembered as black cliffs and the bleached white sand" (note that this is still pretty clunky but I couldn't think of anything better- you'll see what I mean, though)
"A harsh wind, pulled over the sea, swept his hair back and blurred the clouds of smoke and flakes of ash" - try "a harsh wind pulled over the sea and swept his hair back before it blurred the clouds of smoke and flakes of ash"- generally, if you have a number of thoughts/actions in one sentence, you should join the ones that are similar and separate the ones that belong to a different action/thought.
"The embers glowed still" - did you mean 'the embers still glowed' or 'the embers glowed, unmoving'?
"Ulysses felt the cuts on his legs, then his torso, then arms, then shoulders, then neck" - the first image I got was that he is feeling the cuts for the first time- obviously this could just be me who would think this (everyone scans things differently), but you could avoid this by changing the sentence to something like "Ulysses felt the pain from the cuts first on his legs, then on his torso, then on his arms, then on his shoulders, then on his neck"- this sentence is a bit repetitive, but you would be able to justify the repetition from stylistic effect- but if this is not your intention, you could even go with "Ulysses felt the pain from the cuts from his legs to his neck".
Obviously, this is not me saying "YOU HAVE TO WRITE IT THIS WAY", just a bit of feedback- I think it's a great piece of self-contained and powerful writing- you should be proud! Let me know if this helps at all!
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A lot of the clunky wording is really more of my thoughts rushing around and not knowing how to place them, I certainly don't want to be the new Tolkien or Lovecraft.
um um um but yes thank you so much for pointing all this out, this helps a lot not only for this piece but future pieces (of course). I wish I had a better response other than copious thank-yous!
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